Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter

[Margo]

I agree that it is apprpriate for you to speak to your mother, show her the texts, and explain how uncomfortable they made you feel, and that they went against what you had said to her.

However, looking at it slightly from the other side:

You told your mother that you and your siblings didn't want to meet her partner. He (or your mom, or both) may have felt that a text was a first step towards that. A text is not a meeting. I think this comes over from bob's text - he seems to be trying (clumsily) to open a door to future meetings.

I agree that the comment about your mom not being happy can be read as a dig at your dad but I wonder if this is to some extent down to the lack of tone and context in a text. I wonder whether your mom had had a conversation with Bob where she'd made some comment such as "They don't want to meet you - I think they blame me for the break up and disapprove of the fact I've met someone new" 'Don't blame your mom' doesn't automatically mean' blame your dad' - it may equally mean - 'don't blame anyone - these things happen' (and of course his understanding of what happened and why the marriage ended will be based on what your Mom has told him

I think the whole text can be read as a well meant but clumsy attempt by Bob to take on board your reluctance to meet and to try to address the (perceived) reasons.
obviously that doesn't in any way mean that your reaction to it is not perfectly valid, but I think there is a strong possibility that this is well meaning but clumsy, rather than deliberately ignoring your boundaries. For that reason, when you do speak to yyou Mom, I would be very clea in focusing on hopw the messages made you feel;

e.g. "I felt that this was putting pressure on me"
" I was surprised as when I told you we were not ready to meet Bob, I also meant I didn't want to speak to him or hear from him, so when he texted me I felt as if he was ignoring that boundary"
"I felt that his comment about not blaming you came over as a dig at dad, and I feel uncomfortable with that"
"Him telling me not to blame you made me feel I was expected to pick sides. I don't want to apportion blame between you and dad"

The daughters text specifically says she was asked to contact you so I would give her a pass- she's got the message at least third hand (you spoke to you mom, your mom spoke to Bob, Bob spoke to his daughter) She may well have been told nothing more than "It's be nice for you and my girlfriends children to get to know each other - here's her number, an you give her a text or call?. She's trying to be friendly (and of course, she may be over-compensating for any doubts she has about her dad being in a new relationship, too) I would be inclined to reply with a brief text saying something like "thanks for the offer. Our parent's separation is very recent so we're not ready to start getting to know Bob or his family yet." it doesn't encourage any future communication but equally it doesn't lose the door on it, in the event that Bob and your mom do stay together and you do get to know them in the future.

[DavidH]

I think the first thing is to find out the entire story from your mother.  Neither message makes it clear that they knew she suggested a meeting and you and your siblings declined.  Did she give them the number, what did she tell them, etc. That kind of decides how to interpret the messages.  I think they heard a very different version of how the conversation around meeting them went with your mother than the one you describe. 

If you don't want to rule out a relationship with them in the future, I'd avoid anything drastic like blocking all future messages or that type of thing, particularly if your mother gave them your number and told them a very different version of events than you described. 

I can see how you can read Robert's message as a dig at your father, but another reading is don't blame your mother, these things just happen.  Isn't it great that she can be happy now.  It also sounds to me like they met prior to the divorce and he was the catalyst for it, but that would be a question to ask your mother in person if that's how you read it too.  I can't imagine he'd mean to imply that in the same text as he's saying hi let's meet, so I think it is a case of being poorly worded all around.

The daughter's message sounds immature, but not mean spirited.  It seems like she heard that the relationship between your mother and Robert is moving forward and there are thoughts of marriage (the steppies comment).  It also sounds to me like she has head that you want to meet, or at least didn't decline a meeting. 

These messages are a great example of when a text message is just not appropriate and ether a phone call or live meeting is needed. 

[veronaz]

These messages are a great example of when a text message is just not appropriate and ether a phone call or live meeting is needed. 

POD.

For Robert to say what he did via text message is just really.........ugh.

[bah12]

I'm also in the ignore and share the messages with your mom camp.  I think it was considerate of your mother to ask you if you wanted to meet her boyfriend first.  And you all said "no".  Everyone needs to respect that.  Not to do so is rude.  To go even further, pressuring you (via  text or otherwise) to meet them, isn't likely going to make you want to meet them any sooner, and probably a lot later. 

[snappylt]

Wow. I'd be tempted to reply with, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible as I am still grieving the loss of my family."

I'm leaning toward the do not reply suggestions.

However, if you do decide to reply, Amylouky's suggestion above seems to me  like a wording you should consider. It is brief, polite, and it gets your point across.

[cwm]

A colleague of mine had a similar experience a few years ago as the OP.
Her Dad decided he wasn't happy in the marriage anymore and left his wife. Shortly after he was with someone else.
My Colleague referes to her dad only as "That man" today for the way he handled everything and spoke ill about his ex-wife.
Not everyone is able to move on after only a few months.

Do you work with me? When my parents divorced, my father not only said things about my mom, but left her and me on the hook with his new woman's angry ex. I'm finally getting to the point where I can speak about my past with him without it being terribly tainted with what he's done since then.

IMO, Robert and Ally overstepped their bounds massively. It may be that Robert doesn't feel that he's being inappropriate in trying to befriend his new girlfriend's daughter, but the jibes at your dad are wrong. It doesn't matter if they were meant lightheartedly, it doesn't come across that way via text. At all. And having his daughter text too? It sounds like Robert or your mom is going overboard and trying to get you on board with the "new" family to try to get your siblings on as well.

My dad, well meaning though he was, tried to play my sister and I against each other in order to get us to accept his new wife, but all it did was get us closer to each other while we compared what he'd said to each of us. Talk to your siblings and see if Robert or Ally have tried the same thing with them. Get the evidence to your mom and try to explain to her that you're happy that she's moved on with her life and you're glad for her happiness, but it's still too soon for you and your siblings. Tell her that the more she pushes the rel@tionship, the more you're likely to resent it and make it feel like you were shoved into it. Reassure her that you will eventually come around when you're ready.

If he is going to be part of her life for a long time, that's great for her for moving on. But familiarity and family bonds can't be forced, they have to grow on their own.

[acicularis]

Robert and Ally may have meant well, but this really comes across as pushy. I would definitely ask your mother how they got your number, and tell her not to give your number to anyone without your permission.

I like the idea of sending back a very short, neutral response to Robert and Ally, saying that you aren't ready to meet them yet. I wouldn't ignore them altogether, or send back a "how dare you contact me?" type message, as who knows what will happen in the future? It's possible your mum WILL end up marrying Robert. In which case, they WILL be your family, and you will have to spend time with them at some point.

I also think that is a good idea. You might not want to burn any bridges, in case Robert and his daughter do become a permanent part of your mother's life. You don't have to say all that much, just say that as you told your mother, you are not ready to meet them yet.

But if they contact you again, I would ignore it.

[gramma dishes]

...   You might not want to burn any bridges, in case Robert and his daughter do become a permanent part of your mother's life. You don't have to say all that much, just say that as you told your mother, you are not ready to meet them yet.

But if they contact you again, I would ignore it.

I agree with this. 

But the very first thing I would do, before responding to either Robert or his daughter, is find out how they got your information.  If Mom gave it to them, that's a betrayal, deliberate or not, and you need to let Mom know you don't appreciate her doing that. 

[veronaz]

If Mom gave it to them, that's a betrayal, deliberate or not, and you need to let Mom know you don't appreciate her doing that. 

Mom definitely has some explaining to do.  On the surface it looks like Robert and his daughter were out of line, but if Mom nudged tham that's another matter.

[m2kbug]

I read it slightly differently, and focused on a different part than you highlighted - the 'My brother and sister didn't want to and I thought it would be better if we all met him together at the right time'

I got the same impression as you, that the OP was more open to the idea.  With that thought in mind, if the OP chooses to meet with them separate (and first), she can help pave the way for the younger sibs.  There's really no wrong way to go here.

I still think the text was odd, and had similar "red flags" that have been expressed, but didn't want to leap to any huge conclusions.  I find it worrisome, and the "steppy" seems to have a different idea of how this rel@tionship is going than the OP...makes 'ya wonder. 

Mom having not dated for some 25 years, maybe she's just overly giddy, new rel@tionships are always exciting, and a little unsure how to maneuver the introductions with the kids.  I never met the boyfriends/girlfriends until things were pretty serious.  I think I met a total of 5, the latter 2 becoming stepparents.

[Zilla]

I too would ignore and just meet  them when you're ready.. Between your mil's partner hitting on you and now this, crazy!

[Shoo]

I too would ignore and just meet  them when you're ready.. Between your mil's partner hitting on you and now this, crazy!

I think that was a different poster, Hollandra.

[NyaChan]

I too would ignore and just meet  them when you're ready.. Between your mil's partner hitting on you and now this, crazy!

I think that was a different poster, Hollandra.

Yup.  Different poster.  I keep having to double check the names too, very similar

[Zilla]

I too would ignore and just meet  them when you're ready.. Between your mil's partner hitting on you and now this, crazy!

I think that was a different poster, Hollandra.

Yup.  Different poster.  I keep having to double check the names too, very similar

Oops, they even use the same terms too. Sorry OP, disregard the second half of my post. 

[Redneck Gravy]

Wow. Definitely show the messages to your mum. But - as a PP stated - be prepared for the unfortunate possibility that she'll take Robert and Ally's side, and claim they did nothing wrong in sending you the texts.

I like the idea of sending back a very short, neutral response to Robert and Ally, saying that you aren't ready to meet them yet. I wouldn't ignore them altogether, or send back a "how dare you contact me?" type message, as who knows what will happen in the future? It's possible your mum WILL end up marrying Robert. In which case, they WILL be your family, and you will have to spend time with them at some point.

Oh, and ((hugs)). This is a sucky situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I agree with this.  Definitely the neutral text back.    WoW, oh, Wow - the boundaries some will cross 

My stepdad asked me if I would like to call him Dad - right after they broke up their respective marriages and started seeing each other       What I actually called him later in life is defintiely not eHell approved.