Author Topic: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter  (Read 32880 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Pioneer

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 117
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #75 on: May 28, 2013, 04:01:34 PM »
Why am I reminded of the baby on Dinosaurs going "Gotta love me!"?

Seriously, this is overstepping boundaries but more importantly it is rushing intimacy beyond all normal standards. You may have to love infants, but not grown men and putative stepsisters  of indeterminate age. I wonder if he's rushed your Mom the same way. If so, you should watch for the inevitable end game of people who want to be loved before you get to know them. It's usually not on the up and up.

Yep this.  He may be rushing your mother the same way.  That is a big red flag.

I'm with Twik and Otterpop.  My Creep-O-Meter is twanging.   

Other posters have focused on two scenarios:  Mom gave out your number, or Boyfriend hacked into her phone's contact list.  I see a third:  Mom gave out your number . . . but felt pressure to do so.  See if you can have that conversation with your mother - in private!
"Try to live your life so that you wouldn't be afraid to sell the family parrot to the town gossip." -- Will Rogers

veronaz

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2165
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #76 on: May 28, 2013, 04:30:53 PM »
Quote
My Creep-O-Meter is twanging.   

Love this.   ;D ;D ;D

cheyne

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1059
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #77 on: May 28, 2013, 06:52:05 PM »
Speak to your mother about the texts.  Find out if she purposely gave BF your number or if he got it some other way.  The fact that she's been seeing this man for only 6 weeks and is already trying to get him to meet her kids is alarming to me.  You may want to talk to your brother and sister to see if they have also been texted by this man and his daughter. 

I would ignore their texts for now.  Give yourself time, you owe these people nothing.  Your family fell apart only 4.5 months ago and NO ONE should expect you to make nice with strangers that just happen to know your mum. 


baglady

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4633
  • A big lass and a bonny lass and she loves her beer
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #78 on: May 28, 2013, 10:42:05 PM »
Given the timeline, I strongly suspect that your mom's relationship with Robert is serious and he's not just her "boyfriend of a few weeks." As in, either she fell in love with Robert while she was still married (not judging, it happens), or they hit it off as friends and decided to take it to the next level once she was free.

Whichever is true, it sounds as if she, Robert and Ally are living in a Brady Bunch fantasy world: Of course all the children will accept that their mom and dad have found The One, are meant to be together and all the "steppies" (stepparents, stepchildren and stepsiblings) will get along beautifully just like on TV.

I don't think either Robert or Ally is being creepy ... just clueless as to the impact this new situation is having on you and your siblings. Ignore the texts for now and concentrate on your own emotional health, and you will be better equipped to deal with Robert and Ally becoming permanent fixtures in your mother's life if it comes to that.
My photography is on Redbubble! Come see: http://www.redbubble.com/people/baglady

Ceallach

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4776
    • This Is It
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #79 on: May 29, 2013, 03:38:50 AM »
OP, can I suggest whatever course of action you take that you try to keep your emotions out of it when dealing with them?   I get the impression they are trying to placate you and force you into something you are not ready for.  The best way to combat that is to take the higher ground, respond neutrally, so that they can't dismiss you as irrational / dramatic / emotional.    Make it clear that any discussion on how you are feeling is to be between you and your family members.    I've been there and it's a highly emotional situation, but if you focus on objective facts it's harder for them to try to push their agenda onto you.  "I'm not interested" is much more effective than "I don't feel comfortable with that" or "I'm not ready because I'm still recovering from the divorce".      Remember that you don't owe them anything.   This is between you and your mother, you don't have a relationship with these people.   

I still think the best course of action is to ignore them completely and deal only with your mother, but just wanted to include the above as based on their previous conduct it's possible they'll be forced upon you again.      If I were you, I'd be inclined to say to my mother:   "Mom, you know that I told you I may be ready in a few months to meet them but that now was too soon.  These unsolicited messages from them make them seem pushy and quite frankly rude.   I was serious about meeting them in a few months but now I'm not sure if I have any interested in meeting them whatsoever.  Please tell them not to contact me again".      Obviously you will meet them at some point if the relationship continues, but I think it's worth letting her know exactly how off-putting this incident is.   Honestly I can't stop thinking about this thread, this situation really bothers me.  Trying to force somebody a relationship onto somebody while they are still dealing with a highly emotional family situation just seems.... so wrong.   
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


Steve

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 901
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #80 on: May 29, 2013, 05:22:21 AM »
Well, after 6 pages of the same type of advice, I am ready to ask the OP for an update?



LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6574
    • Blog
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #81 on: May 29, 2013, 07:06:54 AM »
I'd like to hear an update too!

I must say, it's been really refreshing to read the responses. When I saw the OP's first post, I feared that people would be telling her things like "Your mom and Rob are a social unit now, so you need to treat them as such, and meet him" or even "This your mom! Don't you care about her happiness?! Buck up and support her by meeting her new man!"

rashea

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9684
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #82 on: May 29, 2013, 09:09:32 AM »
I'd like to hear an update too!

I must say, it's been really refreshing to read the responses. When I saw the OP's first post, I feared that people would be telling her things like "Your mom and Rob are a social unit now, so you need to treat them as such, and meet him" or even "This your mom! Don't you care about her happiness?! Buck up and support her by meeting her new man!"

If it had been 4 years, you'd get that. At 4 months, not so much.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

Vermont

veronaz

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2165
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #83 on: May 29, 2013, 12:34:14 PM »
Quote
If it had been 4 years, you'd get that. At 4 months, not so much.

It's only been 6 weeks.    :-\

rashea

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9684
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #84 on: May 29, 2013, 12:55:01 PM »
Quote
If it had been 4 years, you'd get that. At 4 months, not so much.

It's only been 6 weeks.    :-\

I meant since the parents split up.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

Vermont

alis

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 240
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #85 on: May 29, 2013, 07:41:11 PM »
I'm so sorry :( I went through a similar instance 3 years ago (my parents were even still living together). It's AWFUL. I think some people forget that adult children are still their children, and act as if they are a 'buddy' instead.

My response (which was a Facebook message from her new boyfriend) was something along the lines of "my mother is still married to my father, do not contact me". Polite? No? I don't care.

Calistoga

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 401
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #86 on: May 29, 2013, 07:46:14 PM »
The boyfriend reads as creepy...but the daughter just reads as really odd. How old is this girl? What has to happen for you to think that after a very short period of time, you'd be talking about being someone's step sister? I remember getting that level of excited when I was 7.


gmatoy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1321
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #87 on: May 29, 2013, 08:00:24 PM »
I'm so sorry :( I went through a similar instance 3 years ago (my parents were even still living together). It's AWFUL. I think some people forget that adult children are still their children, and act as if they are a 'buddy' instead.

As per the bolded, Oh! Yes! It has been over 30 years since my parents divorced and I still remember the grief stricken phone call that I got from my middle sister. We hurt! And if I had gotten that type of call immediately after my parents separated ...well, there is no etiquette approved version of what I would have said!

rose red

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7658
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #88 on: May 29, 2013, 09:47:27 PM »
Well, after 6 pages of the same type of advice, I am ready to ask the OP for an update?

This poster started two threads about "toxic" people and have not updated in either thread.  I'm also curious about updates and if she took any action.

Twik

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 28531
Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
« Reply #89 on: May 29, 2013, 11:41:08 PM »
Given the timeline, I strongly suspect that your mom's relationship with Robert is serious and he's not just her "boyfriend of a few weeks." As in, either she fell in love with Robert while she was still married (not judging, it happens), or they hit it off as friends and decided to take it to the next level once she was free.

Whichever is true, it sounds as if she, Robert and Ally are living in a Brady Bunch fantasy world: Of course all the children will accept that their mom and dad have found The One, are meant to be together and all the "steppies" (stepparents, stepchildren and stepsiblings) will get along beautifully just like on TV.

I don't think either Robert or Ally is being creepy ... just clueless as to the impact this new situation is having on you and your siblings. Ignore the texts for now and concentrate on your own emotional health, and you will be better equipped to deal with Robert and Ally becoming permanent fixtures in your mother's life if it comes to that.

Actually, if the timeline were longer, I doubt the rush would be on now.

Robert sounds like he's demanding complete intimacy and acceptance right now. This does not make me think its because he's so deeply in love, it's because he wants to sweep the op's mother up in an immediate fantasy. This may be because he normally lives in a fantasy world, or it may be that he has an ulterior motive. In either case, the op needs to step very carefully, because his "ooh, I just love you all, let's not stop to think before we're all besties," attitude may just as quickly swing to "you don't love me? I'm now your worst enemy."

This is very high on the creepy scale, and I'd be surprised if he really has known the op's mother for that long. His demand for instant intimacy would have already surfaced. This is not a patient person.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."