Author Topic: You said I could have them...  (Read 11356 times)

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sparksals

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #60 on: May 30, 2013, 02:17:28 AM »
OP here. Thanks everyone for the advice and (somewhat harsh at times) input. My husband and I are going to talk to MIL, in a non accusatory manner, just to see if we can clear things up.

What is there to clear up?  MIL changed her mind and wants toll keep the stones.  They are hers and FIL's.  What do you think a non-accusatory discussion will accomplish?  Sounds to me MIL will be put in another awkward.position.   This sounds like a huge deal over stones. 

AngelicGamer

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #61 on: May 30, 2013, 03:02:36 AM »
OP here. Thanks everyone for the advice and (somewhat harsh at times) input. My husband and I are going to talk to MIL, in a non accusatory manner, just to see if we can clear things up.

What is there to clear up?  MIL changed her mind and wants toll keep the stones.  They are hers and FIL's.  What do you think a non-accusatory discussion will accomplish?  Sounds to me MIL will be put in another awkward.position.   This sounds like a huge deal over stones.

I took it to mean about speaking up sooner rather than talking more about the stones.  OP, could you clarify?




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lemonfloorwax

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #62 on: May 30, 2013, 07:58:49 AM »
Is it possible that MIL's husband disagreed with her decision to give the stones to the friend? I know that has happened to me - I've made those types of decisions/offers without discussion and then my husband lets me know later that he wishes I hadn't.

I know, she should not have offered then without discussion, but it happens. And then my husband doesn't want me to "throw him under the bus" so I have to say that something else changed.

No, that's not the case at all. FIL doesn't really care what happens with them. He just writes the checks.

lemonfloorwax

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #63 on: May 30, 2013, 08:04:59 AM »
OP here. Thanks everyone for the advice and (somewhat harsh at times) input. My husband and I are going to talk to MIL, in a non accusatory manner, just to see if we can clear things up.

What is there to clear up?  MIL changed her mind and wants toll keep the stones.  They are hers and FIL's.  What do you think a non-accusatory discussion will accomplish?  Sounds to me MIL will be put in another awkward.position.   This sounds like a huge deal over stones.

I took it to mean about speaking up sooner rather than talking more about the stones.  OP, could you clarify?

Im not making "a huge deal over stones". Thanks for that, though.
My husband and I are just going to ask, "Hey, you remember about a week ago when we were discussing the stones and you said friend could have them? Well, on Memorial Day, you said you were keeping them. I just wanted to know why you changed your mind. No hard feelings."
I actually believe in open communication with my in laws. I am quite sorry I started this topic as I have been accused of some pretty bad things. I should have just talked to MIL in the first place. I was just frustrated. I will find a better place to vent.

Shoo

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #64 on: May 30, 2013, 10:52:54 AM »
OP here. Thanks everyone for the advice and (somewhat harsh at times) input. My husband and I are going to talk to MIL, in a non accusatory manner, just to see if we can clear things up.

What is there to clear up?  MIL changed her mind and wants toll keep the stones.  They are hers and FIL's.  What do you think a non-accusatory discussion will accomplish?  Sounds to me MIL will be put in another awkward.position.   This sounds like a huge deal over stones.

I took it to mean about speaking up sooner rather than talking more about the stones.  OP, could you clarify?

Im not making "a huge deal over stones". Thanks for that, though.
My husband and I are just going to ask, "Hey, you remember about a week ago when we were discussing the stones and you said friend could have them? Well, on Memorial Day, you said you were keeping them. I just wanted to know why you changed your mind. No hard feelings."
I actually believe in open communication with my in laws. I am quite sorry I started this topic as I have been accused of some pretty bad things. I should have just talked to MIL in the first place. I was just frustrated. I will find a better place to vent.

I don't see the point in putting her on the spot like that.  Is it your intention to make her feel guilty for changing her mind?

She changed her mind for *whatever* reason, and, frankly, you are beginning to sound like you think you deserve some sort of explanation.  I don't think you do.  Why would you want to put her on the spot AGAIN?  Putting her on the spot is what started this whole thing.  Let it go.

Virg

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #65 on: May 30, 2013, 11:05:53 AM »
Surianne wrote:

"I'm not sure what's over-the-top about the word miscommunication?"

It's inaccurate, and it attempts to excuse a faux pas by equating it with unavoidable confusion in communication.  The communication was clearly defined at all steps.  MIL clearly agreed to give friend the flagstones, and then when she changed her mind she clearly failed to communicate that change to lemonfloorwax or friend.  That's not miscommunication, that's not "I said one thing but she thought I meant something else", that's just dropping the ball.

Shoo wrote:

"I don't see the point in putting her on the spot like that.  Is it your intention to make her feel guilty for changing her mind?"

My reasoning would be to point out that she failed to inform me when she changed her mind and that left me in an awkward position, in the hopes that telling her would cause her not to do it (fail to inform me) again.  As I said before, it's not that she changed her mind, it's that she did so and then did nothing to communicate that fact.

Virg

Cat-Fu

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #66 on: May 30, 2013, 11:14:58 AM »
Honestly, I think the OP does deserve an explanation. This is her MIL, not some stranger. I can't see myself promising things to people I care about then just saying, "oh, I changed my mind, nm!" and then dropping it with no apology or explanation. Maybe that's fine etiquette-wise, but relationships don't work like that.  (Well, mine don't.)
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DavidH

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #67 on: May 30, 2013, 11:15:59 AM »
I don't understand the problem of saying MIL, it was very awkward when you put me in the middle having agreed to give the pavers to my friend and then changed your mind without telling me.  In the future, could you give me a heads up when something like that happends.  Why should the OP have to hold her tongue rather than have an open discussion around it?

To go and demand the pavers would be another thing entirely, but that's not what she's proposing. 

MariaE

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #68 on: May 30, 2013, 11:39:38 AM »
Agree 100% with the last three posters.
 
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wolfie

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #69 on: May 30, 2013, 11:51:15 AM »
I would be a lot more casual about asking why she changed her mind. I would be asking along the lines of

"So what are you going to be doing with the stones now?"

JoieGirl7

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #70 on: May 30, 2013, 12:27:09 PM »
I don't understand the problem of saying MIL, it was very awkward when you put me in the middle having agreed to give the pavers to my friend and then changed your mind without telling me.  In the future, could you give me a heads up when something like that happends.  Why should the OP have to hold her tongue rather than have an open discussion around it?

To go and demand the pavers would be another thing entirely, but that's not what she's proposing.

MIL put the OP in the middle?!  The OP put herself there.

JoieGirl7

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #71 on: May 30, 2013, 12:32:37 PM »
OP here. Thanks everyone for the advice and (somewhat harsh at times) input. My husband and I are going to talk to MIL, in a non accusatory manner, just to see if we can clear things up.

What is there to clear up?  MIL changed her mind and wants toll keep the stones.  They are hers and FIL's.  What do you think a non-accusatory discussion will accomplish?  Sounds to me MIL will be put in another awkward.position.   This sounds like a huge deal over stones.

I took it to mean about speaking up sooner rather than talking more about the stones.  OP, could you clarify?

Im not making "a huge deal over stones". Thanks for that, though.
My husband and I are just going to ask, "Hey, you remember about a week ago when we were discussing the stones and you said friend could have them? Well, on Memorial Day, you said you were keeping them. I just wanted to know why you changed your mind. No hard feelings."
I actually believe in open communication with my in laws. I am quite sorry I started this topic as I have been accused of some pretty bad things. I should have just talked to MIL in the first place. I was just frustrated. I will find a better place to vent.

The rules here are pretty excplicit about venting not being allowed.

Also, everyone here has been assuming that she didn't tell you she wasn't going to give them to your friend in a timely manner and it seems that all of this has happened in the course of a week, a detail you didn't share until now.

And if you beleive in open commnication, then you should express that you were disappointed and why, not just say "no hard feelings" because obviously there were hard feelings.

And finally, you have to take the advice and criticisms here for what it is-- people on the internet who were not there and who do not know you or your MIL.  So, everyone's perspective is not only going to be different but based on their own idea of exactly how this played out.

If we were all standing there, you would probably have more agreement with you POV.  Its just how it works.

Surianne

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #72 on: May 30, 2013, 12:37:00 PM »
I don't see the point in putting her on the spot like that.  Is it your intention to make her feel guilty for changing her mind?

She changed her mind for *whatever* reason, and, frankly, you are beginning to sound like you think you deserve some sort of explanation.  I don't think you do.  Why would you want to put her on the spot AGAIN?  Putting her on the spot is what started this whole thing.  Let it go.

I agree.  It's time to let it go if you want to maintain decent relations with your MIL.  Nothing good will come out of bringing it up again.

Surianne wrote:

"I'm not sure what's over-the-top about the word miscommunication?"

It's inaccurate, and it attempts to excuse a faux pas by equating it with unavoidable confusion in communication. 

Unavoidable?  Where did I say that?  I'm very confused by your objection here and by your interpretation of the the word miscommunication.  The word miscommunication implies it was avoidable -- things could have gone better if both parties communicated well, but this particular time, that didn't happen (OP put MIL on the spot; MIL agreed without thinking it through); no big deal, it happens to everyone sometimes. 

sparksals

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #73 on: May 30, 2013, 12:38:23 PM »
OP here. Thanks everyone for the advice and (somewhat harsh at times) input. My husband and I are going to talk to MIL, in a non accusatory manner, just to see if we can clear things up.

What is there to clear up?  MIL changed her mind and wants toll keep the stones.  They are hers and FIL's.  What do you think a non-accusatory discussion will accomplish?  Sounds to me MIL will be put in another awkward.position.   This sounds like a huge deal over stones.

I took it to mean about speaking up sooner rather than talking more about the stones.  OP, could you clarify?

Im not making "a huge deal over stones". Thanks for that, though.
My husband and I are just going to ask, "Hey, you remember about a week ago when we were discussing the stones and you said friend could have them? Well, on Memorial Day, you said you were keeping them. I just wanted to know why you changed your mind. No hard feelings."
I actually believe in open communication with my in laws. I am quite sorry I started this topic as I have been accused of some pretty bad things. I should have just talked to MIL in the first place. I was just frustrated. I will find a better place to vent.


When you post here, you have to expect different opinions and sometimes challenges to your actions.  You post about it, it is fair game. 


It does sound like you are making a big deal about it.  They are stones.  MIL changed her mind.  She has the right to do that.  The 'no hard feelings' sure sounds like a guilt trip.


You did have a solid etiquette issue.   People here are honest and you need a thick skin in order to hear all the varying opinions that don't agree with yours.  Sorry you feel you need to go elsewhere.   However, just so you know, using the word 'vent' will most likely get your thread locked.  Venting isn't allowed here. 

Edited to remove strange displayed formatting.
« Last Edit: May 30, 2013, 12:42:10 PM by sparksals »

sparksals

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Re: You said I could have them...
« Reply #74 on: May 30, 2013, 12:40:18 PM »
I don't understand the problem of saying MIL, it was very awkward when you put me in the middle having agreed to give the pavers to my friend and then changed your mind without telling me.  In the future, could you give me a heads up when something like that happends.  Why should the OP have to hold her tongue rather than have an open discussion around it?

To go and demand the pavers would be another thing entirely, but that's not what she's proposing.


I don't think the MIL put the OP in the middle.  The OP put  herself there by putting the MIL on the spot by suggesting her friend without her MIL first suggesting it.  MIL did not ask for suggestions.   I personally believe the MIL didn't want to give the stones to OP's friend and that is why she changed her mind.  She was put on the spot originally.  People are allowed to change their mind. 
« Last Edit: May 30, 2013, 12:44:08 PM by sparksals »