Author Topic: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)  (Read 3647 times)

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Last_Dance

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BG: months ago my mother told me she'd have to undergo a minor surgery. I honestly can't remember if she said the exact date, but I do remember I told her to let me know when it would be and offered to come keep her company or help her around the house.
After that first phone call, the subject was never brought up again, though that's partly on me: I just didn't think to ask.

Now, it turns out that the surgery is tomorrow.
I was told so yesterday evening  by my DF, who heard it from my uncle - I wasn't there because it was a business call, not a social one. I don't know exactly how the subject came up, I guess my uncle assumed we already knew about it.

What I do know is that my mother told him on Saturday. My mother and I talked later on the same day and she didn't mention anything at all.

What do you think? Should I pretend I don't know anything? Should I confront her about having to find out from my uncle?
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Oh Joy

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2013, 04:02:49 AM »
I'm sorry, I don't understand.  Why would you want to confront her about it?

GSNW

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2013, 04:15:44 AM »
You offered help/company, which I think is appropriate.  It seems as if your mom would have let you know if she wanted to take you up on the offer.  Don't "confront" her about anything.  Maybe she thinks she told you the date, maybe she's stressed and forgot.

You can call her to let her know you're thinking of her...  "Hi mom, I know your procedure is Tuesday... please let me know if i can help."

I don't see that anyone would benefit from a confrontation.

Last_Dance

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2013, 04:16:20 AM »
She's my mother. I'm her only child, I shouldn't have to find out about her surgery from my fiancÚ.

If she "doesn't want to bother me", well:
a) I'm an adult. She can't keep shielding me from life (only to turn around and complain that I'm not "an indipendent woman" and how she has to care for everybody in the family but nobody cares for her)

b) that's exactly what my grandmother, her MIL, does and my mother has always complained at lenght about that kind of behavior.
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cicero

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2013, 04:16:40 AM »


What do you think? Should I pretend I don't know anything? Should I confront her about having to find out from my uncle?
but you *do* know about it. As far as your mother knows, *she* told you about it a while ago, and while i understand that it's not been weighing on *your* mind all this time, it has been on *her* mind. you did offer to be there for her. Like Oh Joy - i am not sure what you want to confront her about?

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Hmmmmm

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2013, 06:28:32 AM »
I also don't see the value of confronting her. You did not follow up with her about the actual date. Just call and say that you know the surgery is Tuesday and is there anything you can do.

MorgnsGrl

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #6 on: May 28, 2013, 06:41:11 AM »
She's my mother. I'm her only child, I shouldn't have to find out about her surgery from my fiancÚ.

But you didn't. She told you about it ages ago. Presumably, if she needed anything from you, she would have talked to you about it again.

TootsNYC

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2013, 09:37:05 AM »
Also--think about what you want.

If what you want is for your mom to mention things like the surgery in casual conversations, "confronting" her is not going ot get you that. It'll just make her defensive.

I'd say you could call her up and say, "Mom, I heard your surgery is Tuesday--I'm so sorry I didn't ask you for the date and put it on my calendar! I hope it goes well, is there anything you need from me? Can/should I stop by the hospital? I think you need someone sitting quietly in the room when you come back from the recovery room--will someone be there, or should I make arrangements?
    "I wanted to ask you--can you help me be sure I know all the info on when important things like this are? I think I thought you'd tell me, and I'm sorry because I could have asked sooner, but I guess I just thought it was scheduled further out when you didn't say anything. I have to balance between not wanting to pry and getting busy and forgetting.
   "It's important to me to be available when you have health issues--you're my mommy. So would you help keep me in the loop?"

Margo

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #8 on: May 28, 2013, 09:55:23 AM »
Also--think about what you want.

If what you want is for your mom to mention things like the surgery in casual conversations, "confronting" her is not going ot get you that. It'll just make her defensive.

I'd say you could call her up and say, "Mom, I heard your surgery is Tuesday--I'm so sorry I didn't ask you for the date and put it on my calendar! I hope it goes well, is there anything you need from me? Can/should I stop by the hospital? I think you need someone sitting quietly in the room when you come back from the recovery room--will someone be there, or should I make arrangements?
    "I wanted to ask you--can you help me be sure I know all the info on when important things like this are? I think I thought you'd tell me, and I'm sorry because I could have asked sooner, but I guess I just thought it was scheduled further out when you didn't say anything. I have to balance between not wanting to pry and getting busy and forgetting.
   "It's important to me to be available when you have health issues--you're my mommy. So would you help keep me in the loop?"

POD.

Although I think I might wait and have the second part of the conversation, about wanting to be kept in the loop, for a future date when you can sit with her in person, and when she isn't about to have surgery!
It may help to acknowledge that she is (or feels she is) doing it for your benefit - Perhaps say "I know you don't want to 'bother' me, but your my Mom, it's not a bother - and I'll worry less if I feel confident that you'll let me know about things like this. "

If this kind of behavior is common then in future you may need to get a bit more proactive; e.g - if she tells you she is having x text done, ask her when. If she doesn't know, ask her whether she's been told hoe log it will take to get the appointment through. Then call her back on that date. Or a week after the first conversation.  With luck, it should help to convince he that you genuinely want to know, and that she is not doing you a favour by 'shielding' you from the news. (it may also make her feel more 'looked after' if you are making more of the running, and if the reason for not telling you is that she wants to keep this private and actively doesn't want to tell you (as opposed to not getting round to it, or assuming you'd ask) then she may be more likely to actually tell you *that*.

bopper

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #9 on: May 28, 2013, 11:01:12 AM »
BG: months ago my mother told me she'd have to undergo a minor surgery. I honestly can't remember if she said the exact date, but I do remember I told her to let me know when it would be and offered to come keep her company or help her around the house.
After that first phone call, the subject was never brought up again, though that's partly on me: I just didn't think to ask.



You DID ask.  You said "let me know when it would be".  She didn't tell you.
But I would not confront her, but just say "I heard you are having your surgery tomorrow. My offer to come up and help still stands.  Would you like me to come?"

NyaChan

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2013, 11:05:51 AM »
Honestly, if it was that important to you to be informed and in-the-know, you should have followed up with her.  You may be her only child, but she is also (as far as I can tell from your post) your only mom.  You say your uncle knew - did she call him up to tell him about the surgery, or is it possible that he called her and asked for the specifics; something you did not do.  Yes you asked her to let you know, but she either chose not to - her choice entirely - or forgot, and you didn't ask.

Oh Joy

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2013, 11:51:03 AM »
I also would have two conversations with her.

The first today, that you heard procedure ABC got scheduled and asking how you can help.

The second in a few weeks, that your feelings were hurt to hear it second hand and whatever else you think would be good to share.

Best wishes to both you and your mother.

AnnaJ

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2013, 02:01:19 PM »
I also would have two conversations with her.

The first today, that you heard procedure ABC got scheduled and asking how you can help.

The second in a few weeks, that your feelings were hurt to hear it second hand and whatever else you think would be good to share.

Best wishes to both you and your mother.

^^^this^^^

magician5

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #13 on: May 28, 2013, 03:04:37 PM »
She's my mother. I'm her only child, I shouldn't have to find out about her surgery from my fiancÚ.

If she "doesn't want to bother me", well:
a) I'm an adult. She can't keep shielding me from life (only to turn around and complain that I'm not "an indipendent woman" and how she has to care for everybody in the family but nobody cares for her)

b) that's exactly what my grandmother, her MIL, does and my mother has always complained at lenght about that kind of behavior.

Forgive me, but this is the kind of idea that the HIPPA privacy laws were written for. It is your mother's choice entirely (who and how and IF to share her medical info with) and unless she tells you personally it is your responsibility to say and feel nothing at all.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

TootsNYC

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #14 on: May 28, 2013, 03:29:03 PM »
I'm going to go out on a limb a little bit.

She's my mother. I'm her only child, I shouldn't have to find out about her surgery from my fiancÚ.

Then why didn't you ask her? Or why didn't you write down the date when she told you the first time, or if she didn't give it, why didn't you ask for it? When she didn't say anything in a week, why didn't you call back and ask for the specifics?

Do you see how this is your responsibility as well as hers? She told you the general fact. If you want the specifics, you should ask for them.


Quote
If she "doesn't want to bother me", well:
a) I'm an adult. She can't keep shielding me from life (only to turn around and complain that I'm not "an indipendent woman" and how she has to care for everybody in the family but nobody cares for her)

Do you see how your insistence that she should have made sure you knew the exact date simply make it look as though you are *not* an independent woman? And how are you  not actually "caring for" her?
   If you were going to truly "care for" her, you would be more proactive about getting the information or deciding/offering what you were able/willing/available to do for her, so that she can decide whether to accept your offer.
   If you are going to maintain that she should tell you the date without you having to ask, and that she should tell you what she needs (making a request instead of accepting an offer--sort of like asking someone to give you a gift), and you get to then ignore the whole thing until SHE calls YOU, that you aren't really providing much of a level of care?
     Asking the questions, getting the details, writing them down, following up on them--that's being an independent woman. That's taking care of her under your OWN steam. It's not that comforting for her to be taken care of under HER steam (with her calling to tell you when her surgery is, etc.).