Author Topic: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)  (Read 3548 times)

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NyaChan

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #15 on: May 28, 2013, 03:59:57 PM »
I'm going to go out on a limb a little bit.

She's my mother. I'm her only child, I shouldn't have to find out about her surgery from my fiancÚ.

Then why didn't you ask her? Or why didn't you write down the date when she told you the first time, or if she didn't give it, why didn't you ask for it? When she didn't say anything in a week, why didn't you call back and ask for the specifics?

Do you see how this is your responsibility as well as hers? She told you the general fact. If you want the specifics, you should ask for them.


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If she "doesn't want to bother me", well:
a) I'm an adult. She can't keep shielding me from life (only to turn around and complain that I'm not "an indipendent woman" and how she has to care for everybody in the family but nobody cares for her)

Do you see how your insistence that she should have made sure you knew the exact date simply make it look as though you are *not* an independent woman? And how are you  not actually "caring for" her?
   If you were going to truly "care for" her, you would be more proactive about getting the information or deciding/offering what you were able/willing/available to do for her, so that she can decide whether to accept your offer.
   If you are going to maintain that she should tell you the date without you having to ask, and that she should tell you what she needs (making a request instead of accepting an offer--sort of like asking someone to give you a gift), and you get to then ignore the whole thing until SHE calls YOU, that you aren't really providing much of a level of care?
     Asking the questions, getting the details, writing them down, following up on them--that's being an independent woman. That's taking care of her under your OWN steam. It's not that comforting for her to be taken care of under HER steam (with her calling to tell you when her surgery is, etc.).

I don't think you are going out on a limb at all.  My thoughts are pretty much in this direction as well. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #16 on: May 28, 2013, 04:21:08 PM »
I'm just afraid it could sound harsher than I meant it.


Eeep!

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #17 on: May 28, 2013, 04:26:37 PM »
I could be wrong, but I suspect that the reason that your uncle knew about her surgery was because he asked/talked to her about it.  Which is something you were free to do too.  Your mother did inform you that she was having the surgery, you just didn't get the specifics. And you even admit that might be because you didn't remember the date when she told you it.  I am completely baffled by the notion that your mother should be called to task for talking about something with her brother (I'm assuming he is an uncle by way of your mother).   I totally understand that life has a way of getting away from us and then you all of a sudden realize "crap! I totally forgot about mom's surgery!" but to then make that something that your mom did wrong? I'm really having a hard time following that.

I think that if I mentioned to a family member that I was having surgery and they offered to come help me afterwards but then they never followed up with me, I would tend to think that perhaps the initial offer really wasn't that sincere.  Or their life got too busy.  Either way, that sort of thing really isn't something that my natural tendency would be to contact them again about.  Now, perhaps I tend to not want to bug people a little too much but I don't think I am alone in that way of thinking. 

And personally, the few times that I have forgotten about my mom having some sort of procedure (she has had several health issues lately) I have felt terrible that I forgot, not mad at her.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

GSNW

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #18 on: May 28, 2013, 04:30:50 PM »
I'm just afraid it could sound harsher than I meant it.

I think the harsh response would be to "confront" mother about this issue, I don't think your response is out of line.  It's entirely possible mom is having some stress and communication failed.  It happens. 

If mom is prone to pity parties about no one taking care of her, I can see where OP's frustration would come in... but that's still on her to decide if she wants to participate/comfort/care for mom and make plans/inquiries accordingly.

White Lotus

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #19 on: May 28, 2013, 06:07:27 PM »
I am hearing "crud monkeys! I forgot Mom's surgery!  She didn't tell me the specifics, either!  Is it on her, or on me, and what do I do now?"
I suggest calling her and telling her your heard the date and want to know if she needs anything from you around this surgery.  It is, IMO, actually, on both of you, so stop worrying about it, and, later, remind her that is it your joy and privilege to help her when she needs it, and you'd like to be kept in the loop as you are never too busy to help her when she needs it. 

kakack

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #20 on: May 28, 2013, 09:58:53 PM »
I am hearing "crud monkeys! I forgot Mom's surgery!  She didn't tell me the specifics, either!  Is it on her, or on me, and what do I do now?"
I suggest calling her and telling her your heard the date and want to know if she needs anything from you around this surgery.  It is, IMO, actually, on both of you, so stop worrying about it, and, later, remind her that is it your joy and privilege to help her when she needs it, and you'd like to be kept in the loop as you are never too busy to help her when she needs it.

My mother was in the hospital for a few days a couple of years ago, but neither she or Dad saw the need to mention it until a week later to all us kids.  Needless to say, we were all very upset when we found out.  Dad explained that they didn't want everyone to rush to their house and do nothing but sit in the waiting room, but it would have been nice to know, in case something had gone wrong (it was a heart issue).  They have both promised since to notify us if either one has to go into the hospital again.  And I have promised to keep my SIL (brother's wife) from rushing down and creating drama, which is want they were afraid of in the first place.

I mention this, because I see you wanting to be there for your mother, just as she would more than likely like to be there for you if you were ill.  If nothing else, you could send flowers or a special treat and call to check up on her a few times to make sure she has everything she needs.

Twik

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Re: Don't know what to do or feel (minor medical issues mentioned)
« Reply #21 on: May 30, 2013, 01:40:10 AM »
She's my mother. I'm her only child, I shouldn't have to find out about her surgery from my fiancÚ.

If she "doesn't want to bother me", well:
a) I'm an adult. She can't keep shielding me from life (only to turn around and complain that I'm not "an indipendent woman" and how she has to care for everybody in the family but nobody cares for her)

b) that's exactly what my grandmother, her MIL, does and my mother has always complained at lenght about that kind of behavior.

Forgive me, but this is the kind of idea that the HIPPA privacy laws were written for. It is your mother's choice entirely (who and how and IF to share her medical info with) and unless she tells you personally it is your responsibility to say and feel nothing at all.

I'm sorry, but I don't think that HIPPA is going to be able to completely rewrite human nature. Children *will* feel something about their parents' illnesses regardless.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."