Author Topic: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest  (Read 10861 times)

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JoieGirl7

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #45 on: May 28, 2013, 08:45:33 PM »
2. It makes no difference whether you pick him up or someone else does it.  What matters is how he is going to get in your house.  So, when he said he was going out for breakfast and invited you, your response should have been "I have plans.  Could you come round the house and pick up a key before you go out I have to leave soon."

I just don't see that anything he did was really all that annoying.  Maybe you are a person who has a need to have their exact expectations met, I don't know.  Maybe you are mad at him about something else and it is bleeding into this situation?

Someone's change in plans does not have to lead to you rescheduling your morning.  There are other ways around it.  And failing that, you can always put it on the other person.  You could have gone hiking and had him catch up with you later on in the day.  He would have had to occupy himself somehow until then but that would have been his problem, not yours.

One has to understand the logistics of getting around the Bay Area, especially the time/cost involved.  Living here, I understand the OP's frustration about "friend" changing plans at the last minute and his assumption that OP could do the same.

She was going to pick him up and bring him to her place.  She now does not have to do that.

His friend is picking him up.  So, let that friend bring him to her place to pick up a key and then he can go do whatever he likes!  Simply staying at home while someone else brings him there so he can get a key doesn't take any more time from her than she had planned on giving in the first place. 

She doesn't have to change her schedule at all.  And if he doesn't want to stop by and pick up a key, then its on him to reconnect with her later when she doesn't have plans.

gramma dishes

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #46 on: May 28, 2013, 08:52:21 PM »
I think you need to change your attitude.   ...

The OP is doing this guy a HUGE favor by allowing him to stay as a guest in her home even though she herself will not be there all the time.  It seems to me that he is the one who is totally taking advantage of her.  As I mentioned before, changing plans at the last minute throws things off and introduces a brand new issue.  That of his bringing a stranger into her home when she will not be there (or even if she IS there for that matter).

Isn't it usually incumbent upon the guest -- the guy who's asked for a place to stay -- to make at least a reasonable attempt to discuss plans (or plan changes) in advance so as not to inconvenience her and not open her house up to strangers?

sammycat

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #47 on: May 28, 2013, 08:58:19 PM »
I think you need to change your attitude.   ...

The OP is doing this guy a HUGE favor by allowing him to stay as a guest in her home even though she herself will not be there all the time.  It seems to me that he is the one who is totally taking advantage of her.  As I mentioned before, changing plans at the last minute throws things off and introduces a brand new issue.  That of his bringing a stranger into her home when she will not be there (or even if she IS there for that matter).

Isn't it usually incumbent upon the guest -- the guy who's asked for a place to stay -- to make at least a reasonable attempt to discuss plans (or plan changes) in advance so as not to inconvenience her and not open her house up to strangers?

I agree with gramma dishes.

If anyone needs an attitude adjustment, it's the visiting person.  It seems like every time OP does something nice for this guy, he reacts like a jerk.

JoieGirl7

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #48 on: May 28, 2013, 09:04:07 PM »
I don't see that he has acted as a jerk at all!

How is asking to talk on the phone instead of chatting on the internet being a jerk?

And he did change his plans somewhat but the OP doens't have to be a brat and act like she has to change her plans when she doesn't.

She seems to get her nose bent out of shape no matter what this guy does.

Also, she doesn't have to let someone into her apartment.  All she has to do is say--I'm not comfortable having other guests here when I am not.  But, I will be here until x-o'clock to give you a key."

The OP seems to want to take offense at every turn instead of gently asserting herself.

And if she didn't want the bother that comes with someone coming and staying with you, she didn't have to reach out and respond to his request in the first place!

sammycat

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #49 on: May 28, 2013, 09:13:25 PM »
I think we may have to agree to disagree, as it appears we have vastly opposing views on this matter.

veronaz

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #50 on: May 28, 2013, 09:30:32 PM »
Quote
he may not be able to enjoy all the  "cool things to do" on his extra time in SF if they cost money.

He was in SF to attend a conference.  I don’t know what kind of conference he's attending, but most conferences I’ve attended include lodging and meals in the package – not free, of course.

It amazes me how some people will go out of town (especially to a pricey place like SF…..similar to NYC or Las Vegas) and not be able to pay for lodging and meals/other expenses and incidentals.

I’m not saying everyone should have money to stay at a 5 star hotel, but there are B&Bs, and people who rent out safe, clean rooms to people on a short term basis.  In some cities the YMCA/YWCA also rents out rooms for a few days. Going on Facebook asking to stay with someone is not the best route, and is actually flying by the seat of one's pants.

However, I agree with this concerning the OP:
Quote
And if she didn't want the bother that comes with someone coming and staying with you, she didn't have to reach out and respond to his request in the first place!

« Last Edit: May 28, 2013, 10:08:44 PM by veronaz »

baglady

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #51 on: May 28, 2013, 09:35:10 PM »
I'm assuming he budgeted for the conference (maybe he bought the tickets before becoming unemployed?) but didn't necessarily have additional money for an extra few days in town. But money was only one of the possible reasons I suggested for his not wanting to hang around and pet sit.
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Jaelle

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #52 on: May 28, 2013, 09:48:14 PM »
I think you need to change your attitude.   ...

The OP is doing this guy a HUGE favor by allowing him to stay as a guest in her home even though she herself will not be there all the time.  It seems to me that he is the one who is totally taking advantage of her.  As I mentioned before, changing plans at the last minute throws things off and introduces a brand new issue.  That of his bringing a stranger into her home when she will not be there (or even if she IS there for that matter).

Isn't it usually incumbent upon the guest -- the guy who's asked for a place to stay -- to make at least a reasonable attempt to discuss plans (or plan changes) in advance so as not to inconvenience her and not open her house up to strangers?

I agree with gramma dishes.

If anyone needs an attitude adjustment, it's the visiting person.  It seems like every time OP does something nice for this guy, he reacts like a jerk.

And I agree with both of you.

The OP is doing this guy a HUGE favor. How much would accommodations cost otherwise? And I don't see two messages as badgering him over the pet-sitting. She is not a mind-reader. (I presume. :D) And when she did drop it, he wouldn't!

OP, I do think you're being a little cranky ... but I don't think it's unjustified, personally.

(And "brekkies?" Seriously? Ugh!)
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lady_disdain

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #53 on: May 28, 2013, 09:52:15 PM »
He was in SF to attend a conference.  I donít know what kind of conference he's attending, but most conferences Iíve attended include lodging and meals in the package Ė not free, of course.

Interesting. Most conferences I have been were held in hotels but staying there was never part of the conference fee, although rooms were offered, usually at a small discount. Since these hotels tend to be larger, more expensive hotels, that still isn't very budget friendly. Coffee break snacks are usually offered, occasionally a buffet lunch but that is it, food wise.

zyrs

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #54 on: May 29, 2013, 12:41:55 AM »
OP, does your guest have your phone number?  Because if he does, he should have just called you rather than demanding that you call him.

He also should have called you to discuss the change of plans so you could work out the key problem.  He is the one getting free lodging from you, it would just be nice of him to call you if there is a change of plans.

AnnaJ

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #55 on: May 29, 2013, 01:00:07 AM »
I really don't understand the "huge favor" part of this - I have had friends and acquaintances as houseguests and don't see it as an enormous issue.  If I did, quite bluntly, I would not invite them - and this might be something the OP would consider in the future.

I see some communication issues, but nothing to suggest this guy is a terrible person or an inconsiderate lout. 

Raintree

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #56 on: May 29, 2013, 02:01:31 AM »
I think the OP is being overly cranky.

First, I don't see the comment "all this back and forth over the interwebz is driving me crazy" as snarky or angry at all. It's just a statement of fact, along the same lines as "let's sit down to have this conversation, my feet are killing me."

It was perfectly reasonable for the OP to ask the houseguest if he wanted to extend his stay and petsit, and it was perfectly reasonable to offer to pay his train ticket change. After all, it could have turned out that he would have LOVED to petsit if not for the cost of changing his ticket. Perhaps like many of us, he just didn't know how to say no. The OP could have worded it better perhaps, ie "Well if I paid for your ticket change, would you want to, or should I ask someone else?" That would have given him the opportunity to say, "I think you'd better get someone else; I have to be back in HomeCity anyway."

I don't know if I'd have been particularly offended by his making other suggestions even if they were no good. I don't know exactly how that conversation went down, but is it possible he started offering these other suggestions as a result of feeling pressured by the OP to find a solution?

As for having the other person pick him up, perhaps he felt he was saving the OP a trip and she'd be relieved. After all, she was going to pick him up, take him back to her place, and go do something else. Maybe he thought she'd like to be invited for breakfast; fine if she couldn't make it, but it's nice to be invited! It does sound as though he didn't think the key issue through though. I agree with the previous suggestion that a good response would be, "I can't make it out for breakfast as I have prior plans, so if you can get here before X time to get a key, great, but if not, you'll have to wait till I get home and make your own way here."

I do think that he should never presume to be able to invite some unknown (to the OP) friend inside though, whether she is home or not, but especially if she isn't home.

Unusual Banana

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #57 on: May 29, 2013, 07:26:33 AM »
I would definitely have been annoyed by the way he expressed his desire to communicate by phone instead of by "interwebz". He implied that talking on the phone is objectively better than online messaging, which it's not, and he showed no consideration for your preferences (which might have differed from his own). I much prefer email, text messages, and IM to phone calls if I can't talk to someone in person because I'm less likely to misread something than I am to mishear it and I like to be able to re-read the messages later if I need to. I'm willing to talk on the phone if someone really prefers it for some reason but it's irritating when people behave as if the telephone is the only reasonable way to communicate.

I don't think you did anything wrong by asking him to petsit or by offering to pay to change his ticket when he didn't clearly tell you he couldn't or didn't want to petsit, you had no way of knowing whether the train ticket was just an excuse not to do it. I'm not sure it was wrong of him to offer suggestions for alternative petsitters but it does sound like his suggestions were completely inappropriate and I can see how it could have been annoying.

Him changing his plans didn't necessarily mean he expected you to change yours. When he told you he'd arranged for someone else to pick him up you could have just told him what times you'd be available to give him a key and things (although it sounds like he cancelled the breakfast when he found out you had plans that morning so that part probably did depend on you being available whenever he wanted you).

veronaz

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #58 on: May 29, 2013, 07:56:33 AM »
Quote
I would definitely have been annoyed by the way he expressed his desire to communicate by phone instead of by "interwebz". He implied that talking on the phone is objectively better than online messaging, which it's not, and he showed no consideration for your preferences (which might have differed from his own).
I disagree.

Once it had been established that he was going to stay at OPís house, itís understandable that he would want to actually firm up arrangements in a real conversation vs. texting, FB, or emails.  They are supposedly friends Ė what would be wrong with having a conversation?  (Aside from the cutesy language) I see nothing wrong with that.

Just because some people love to text these days and hate to talk on the phone doesnít mean that a phone conversation is ineffective.  Quite the contrary; itís faster, more personal, and conveys tone whereas  the other methods usually do not.

There have been times when someone keeps texting and Iíve typed ďcall me Ė we need to talkĒ.  That doesnít mean I have an attitude or that Iím a bad person.  Iím not understanding why itís such an issue in this situation.


RingTailedLemur

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #59 on: May 29, 2013, 08:20:19 AM »
I don't think he was a jerk, but I can see why things got cranky.

When you asked him to petsit, the feeling I got from you was that you assumed he would agree and are irked he did not.  By pointing out that he is unemployed and SF is so great, the message I heard from you is that you don't think his time is valuable.  I appreciate that you didn't mean that, but it may have been what he heard too and it put his back up.

Likewise, his going out with a friend put your back up because he thoughtlessly got in the way of your plans.  i suspect he did not realise that and thought instead he was doing you a favour, but I can see why it bothered you.

Neither of you did particularly well her, but I don't think either of you were deliberately rude.