Author Topic: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest  (Read 10866 times)

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Tea Drinker

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #75 on: May 31, 2013, 07:53:06 PM »

I think, overall, the lesson from the OP in this is that a) it's worth being aware that people do make polite excuses all the time and it's worth considering that before assuming that they literally mean what they say (I realise that this is annoying).

It occurs to me that if someone just says "no thanks" or "thanks, I wish I could" I will take it as meaning that either they don't want to, or the reason why they can't is irrelevant/outside either of our control (such as a previous engagement if I am offering tickets to something that is happening at a very specific time). If they say "I'd like to but..." and then mention something that I can change, I am likely to take that at face value. So, if you decline my invitation because you are having dinner with someone else that night, I'll say "we should get together some other time, then." If you say you can't afford it, and I'm sure I can, I might offer to pay for your ticket as well as my own; if I have picked a place with stairs, not realizing that someone is now using a wheelchair, I am likely to offer to try to find a different location, because dinner with my friends is usually more important than the specific restaurant.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

DavidH

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #76 on: May 31, 2013, 08:07:11 PM »
To answer your question, do you need to adjust your attitude, I think the answer is yes.  The initial discussion around pet sitting and changing the ticket clearly irked you, but his saying let's talk on the phone instead is just not that unreasonable.  If you didn't want to talk, a simple reply of email is easier for me is all that is required.  Offerring other suggestions is also not that unreasonable and shouldn't have put you over the edge.  It's true they wouldn't work, but I'm not sure that should have been immediately obvious to him 

The changing plans is annoying and basically assuming you had extra time that morning was out of line.  The easy solution would be to say that you have other plans later and would he rather come by now to get the key or later when you're back from your walk.  Inviting you to breakfast shouldn't have been that irritating.  First off, he didn't know you had other plans that morning and the issue of being on a tight budget wouldn't have been obvious to him, particularly since you had just recently offered to pay to change his ticked. 

Mansplaining is a rather derogatory work and really has no place on an etiquette forum.  If we are to indulge in gender based criticism, one could describe your comment about how you should only give and never ask for anything back as flounce or your rather unreasonable degree of irritation as having a biologic basis.

Lynn2000

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #77 on: May 31, 2013, 08:50:34 PM »
I don't think he was a jerk, but I can see why things got cranky.

When you asked him to petsit, the feeling I got from you was that you assumed he would agree and are irked he did not.  By pointing out that he is unemployed and SF is so great, the message I heard from you is that you don't think his time is valuable.  I appreciate that you didn't mean that, but it may have been what he heard too and it put his back up.

Likewise, his going out with a friend put your back up because he thoughtlessly got in the way of your plans.  i suspect he did not realise that and thought instead he was doing you a favour, but I can see why it bothered you.

Neither of you did particularly well her, but I don't think either of you were deliberately rude.

This is my general opinion (also explained well by others). I'm not seeing a lot of outright rudeness in the situation, but rather two people who aren't communicating well, and are getting on each other's nerves right from the beginning. Which really does not bode well for the stay. I feel like the OP is letting her irritation snowball, though, and it's starting to come out at the guest (for example the text message about breakfast), and that's not a good situation. I know that I, personally, do not do well with houseguests, even those just "crashing," and it would seem like a really big deal to me, and very stressful. Thus, I never offer my place to anyone. I think the OP should just do her thing, making sure to inform her guest of her schedule and expectations, and if they don't align with his, don't worry about it, just let him find his own solution.
~Lynn2000

Surianne

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #78 on: May 31, 2013, 09:27:22 PM »
Quote
It also irked me greatly that he would assume I have nothing but time and he can change the prior plans (me meet him on his arrival, drive him to my house) to having someone else come get him and go for a leisurely breakfast in a restaurant. 

Haven't read the entire thread....

This is what [in my experience] unemployed people do!  My friend who is currently unemployed [and making no effort to find a job] gets bored during the week and wants me to cut out of my job to "go plaaaay !!!! Let's go play!!!"  Never realizing that if I did that I'd get fired.  Or maybe that's what she really wants.

I don't think that's a fair assumption about the OP's guest.  He asked her to breakfast, not to take the day off, and he's in town for a conference, so it sounds like he has his own fairly serious plans.   

Craftymom

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #79 on: May 31, 2013, 09:51:59 PM »
How do we know that nobody else responded? Many people, including myself, do not not respond to requests on facebook.

I have had friends on facebook ask around for various things. Some of them I have been able to help with. When that happens, I will text them or call them. I don't know everyone on their friend list and don't want any of my business out there.

As to the bolded question, there IS a possibillity that other offers were conveyed by email or text, but the fact is whether other offers came in or not, the dude ended up with the OP.

veronaz

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #80 on: May 31, 2013, 09:56:18 PM »
Quote
It also irked me greatly that he would assume I have nothing but time and he can change the prior plans (me meet him on his arrival, drive him to my house) to having someone else come get him and go for a leisurely breakfast in a restaurant. 

Haven't read the entire thread....

This is what [in my experience] unemployed people do!   My friend who is currently unemployed [and making no effort to find a job] gets bored during the week and wants me to cut out of my job to "go plaaaay !!!! Let's go play!!!"  Never realizing that if I did that I'd get fired.  Or maybe that's what she really wants.

I don't think that's a fair assumption about the OP's guest.  He asked her to breakfast, not to take the day off, and he's in town for a conference, so it sounds like he has his own fairly serious plans.

DollyPond, that's an inaccurate and rather cruel generalization to make about people who are jobless.  To make such a statement based on your friend's actions is inappropriate.

« Last Edit: May 31, 2013, 09:58:23 PM by veronaz »

Drunken Housewife

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #81 on: June 17, 2013, 02:36:28 AM »
Well, the visit is over.  I was bemused by the extremely negative reaction I got here (I expect to get disagreement, but I didn't expect to get accused of running a bait and switch  :) ).

It went fine, after the initial morning.  I was angry because my guest cancelled our plans (for him to text me when he was arriving and have me pick him up at a set location, in exchange for having someone else pick him up, take him to a restaurant, and then take him to my house whenever they finished brunch).  Some people felt that I was being unreasonable over that, when it would have involved me canceling other longstanding plans involving another person in order instead to spend the morning waiting at my house for whenever my houseguest decided to show up.  It was said that he was doing me a favor and giving me extra time, when that was not the case.  Thankfully he did cancel those plans, so I was able to get what I needed to do done.

I got other catsitters.  All cats were sat satisfactorily, by people who professed being happy to do it.

I was, actually, the only person who offered to house this friend (I said that earlier in the thread, but for some reason, people were disputing it).  I know that because my guest told me so.  He said if it weren't for me, he wouldn't have been able to attend this conference. 

The timing was poor for me, but I was glad to help him out, although things got off to a rough start.  The guest also managed to annoy my husband at the beginning of the stay, and my husband is one of the world's most difficult people to annoy (unlike his tetchy wife).  But in the end, the old friend got to go to his conference, he stayed here for free, no harsh words were exchanged, and we went off on our trip (we left before the houseguest did).   At no point did the guest do any cat-related things. 
« Last Edit: June 17, 2013, 02:38:36 AM by Drunken Housewife »
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Gyburc

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #82 on: June 17, 2013, 06:48:44 AM »
I'm glad it went OK, Drunken Housewife, even after the rough start!

Best,

G
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JoyinVirginia

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Re: reasonable or unreasonable to be irked at incoming houseguest
« Reply #83 on: June 17, 2013, 08:57:51 AM »
Thanks for the update, and hope your trip was fun.
I was surprised by the emotional investment of some posters replying to this topic.
Glad it all went fairly well in the end. You are a very very good friend to offer a place to stay.