Author Topic: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it  (Read 12730 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

RooRoo

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 692
  • Iím out of my mind. Please leave a message.
Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #60 on: June 03, 2013, 10:36:52 PM »
I'm going to agree with Mikayla. He gets to walk in to your house any time he feels like it. He gets to store his stuff in your house, with no enforced deadlines from you.

No wonder he thinks it is still his house - it's because you let him act that way. (Plural "you.")

Yes, he can get a window a/c unit. Or, he can go someplace other than your house with a/c. Yes, there are washer/dryer units specially designed for small spaces. And laundromats.

All those are things he'd have to deal with if you didn't live next door. There is no reason you should be forced to move to prove that to him.

Change the locks, and make other arrangements for pet sitting.

I think, if it was me, I'd pick a date about a month from now, make arrangements for help, and inform him that that is the day you will put all of his stuff on his lawn - rain or shine - and the less stuff of his that is in your house by then, the less junk will be on his lawn that day.

But, as many posters have already said, it's all useless unless your DH commits to it and won't back down.
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late

xanne

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 39
Update - Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #61 on: June 20, 2013, 12:01:53 PM »
Well, FIL came to visit right before we left for vacation.  When we returned, the organ was gone! He did comment that there was a lot of expensive furniture in that room and my husband assured him that the built in items had been moved to the attic.  We decided not to bring up the things that were given away.  Anyway, it seems FIL is having some memory issues.  We wanted the organ gone so we could update the room, we had already purchased the flooring and it is stacked in our living room.  FIL asked DH what room all the new flooring is going into?

The cleanout is going to continue all summer, thanks for all the advice!

LeveeWoman

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4153
Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #62 on: June 20, 2013, 12:05:49 PM »
Good resolution!

NyaChan

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4107
Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #63 on: June 20, 2013, 12:07:27 PM »
Yay!!

Slartibartfast

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 11688
    • Nerdy Necklaces - my Etsy shop!
Re: Update - Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #64 on: June 20, 2013, 12:17:48 PM »
Well, FIL came to visit right before we left for vacation.  When we returned, the organ was gone! He did comment that there was a lot of expensive furniture in that room and my husband assured him that the built in items had been moved to the attic.  We decided not to bring up the things that were given away.  Anyway, it seems FIL is having some memory issues.  We wanted the organ gone so we could update the room, we had already purchased the flooring and it is stacked in our living room.  FIL asked DH what room all the new flooring is going into?

The cleanout is going to continue all summer, thanks for all the advice!

Does the rest of the "stuff' actually belong to your FIL, or is it "yours" but he still feels possessive?  Because if it's yours, you might be able to make some money by selling on eBay, having a yard sale, etc.  If it's his, box it up and tell him he's got X days/weeks to retrieve it - after that, you're getting rid of it.  You may have to be willing to deliver it to his trailer on the date you set, but then it will be gone!  And if he does want to be stubborn and not take it, maybe you can make a few bucks.  (If you do this, don't tell him how much you made.  Seriously.  He'd feel entitled to the money, or at least to gripe about how you didn't get enough for it.)

xanne

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 39
Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #65 on: June 20, 2013, 12:40:15 PM »
It was stuff left in the house when ILs moved.  The family has a definite museum attitude toward everything that was ever owned.  The ice skates that have been in the attic since the early 1970s - "those are SIL's skates, we should ask her before you get rid of them." We rely on acts of nature to get rid of some things.  FIL kept every piece of cut off wood from every project he ever worked on in cardboard boxes in the basement.  It was only because during a flood we had 8 inches of water in the basement that we were excused at the next yearly visit from throwing the wood scraps out.  Mind you, they are only hoarders in our house. I think we will be invaded by mice this fall if there is any pushback about the stuff that has to go.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30533
Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #66 on: June 20, 2013, 12:53:58 PM »
Quote
Mind you, they are only hoarders in our house.


I think I might be tempted to say, so VERY mildly, "FIL, do you realize how selfish that sounds, to insist that we keep other people's belongings in our home? I don't think you've ever thought about it that way"

And SIL's skates? I'd make sure they left the house without him ever knowing they were there.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30533
Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #67 on: June 20, 2013, 01:09:24 PM »
Or wait--just ditch SIL's skates no matter what he says, and decide you don't care (and don't need to respond to him) if he says something.

You say, "hmmm," and sell them on Craigslist. Don't try to tell him to change his point of view or his sense of boundaries.

Don't talk about your boundaries. Live them.


Shoo

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 16393
Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #68 on: June 20, 2013, 01:10:40 PM »

Don't talk about your boundaries. Live them.



I agree.  Take action and don't ask for permission to do so.  Just do it.

snappylt

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 458
Re: Update - Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #69 on: June 20, 2013, 06:49:47 PM »
Well, FIL came to visit right before we left for vacation.  When we returned, the organ was gone! He did comment that there was a lot of expensive furniture in that room and my husband assured him that the built in items had been moved to the attic.  We decided not to bring up the things that were given away.  Anyway, it seems FIL is having some memory issues.  We wanted the organ gone so we could update the room, we had already purchased the flooring and it is stacked in our living room.  FIL asked DH what room all the new flooring is going into?

The cleanout is going to continue all summer, thanks for all the advice!

Great news!  Congratulations!

EllenS

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1368
Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #70 on: June 20, 2013, 06:56:08 PM »

Don't talk about your boundaries. Live them.



I agree.  Take action and don't ask for permission to do so.  Just do it.

Good progress on the update, and agree with above quote. The stuff in the house when you bought it is yours.  Every decision to do with furnishing and renovating the house is up to you and DH only.  If you wish to be very generous and gracious, you can give the family a deadline (90 days?) and let them know that if they want anything stored in YOUR house, they need to get it out by that date.  After a warning, dispose of it as you see fit.
You have no moral, legal, ethical or familial obligation to do otherwise.  If FIl makes cracks, ignore him or ask him to leave depending how bad they are.