Author Topic: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it  (Read 12600 times)

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Shoo

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #15 on: May 29, 2013, 04:12:46 PM »
I totally agree!  Why don't you get rid of all the stuff that you don't want (that's his).  Just get rid of it already!  What are you waiting for?  You don't need his permission.

rose red

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #16 on: May 29, 2013, 04:22:07 PM »
I just looked up your previous post.  That was almost six months ago when you posted.  It's more than enough time to get rid of stuff that you don't want in your house.  Call a junk company, or a charity that will haul it away for free.  You even mentioned you had offers from buyers for money.

Give your FIL a deadline and stick to it.

Roe

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #17 on: May 29, 2013, 04:24:50 PM »
Yep, throw it away, donate it, burn it...just get it out of your house asap!  You'd be amazed how much this is truly weighing on you.  Once you get rid of it, you'll feel better. 

I was the one who used to get my dad's "this is still good but I don't want to throw it away" stuff. (ie: junk!)  I felt guilty if I didn't take it and show great appreciation for it!  It was only after I said NO MORE that I finally found my own likes and dislikes.  I now only purchase items for the home that truly have a place in my home.  And I've since learned that my style is definitely modern.  :)

Luci

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #18 on: May 29, 2013, 04:34:46 PM »
Many of the things you are discussing, like the cabinets and the flooring, really can be handled by reminding him that things wear out and get ridiculously outdated so need to be replaced. Would he whine if you got a new roof when needed and went with a more modern look? If he can't see the logic in that, he never ever will understand and quit complaining.

As for the things that still have life left in them, I guess that's where he must simply bow to 'not my style'.

The organ thing is silly. That church cannot have it. You don't want it. He doesn't want it. It must go (hopefully to a good home) to make room for your life, not his memories.

Good luck!

Nikko-chan

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #19 on: May 29, 2013, 04:45:46 PM »
As to the organ.... can you donate it to a local high school or college with a music program?

TootsNYC

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #20 on: May 29, 2013, 04:50:02 PM »
Many of the things you are discussing, like the cabinets and the flooring, really can be handled by reminding him that things wear out and get ridiculously outdated so need to be replaced. Would he whine if you got a new roof when needed and went with a more modern look? If he can't see the logic in that, he never ever will understand and quit complaining.

As for the things that still have life left in them, I guess that's where he must simply bow to 'not my style'.


This is really annoying me. There's no need for him to "bow to" anything! Or to "remind" him of anything.

It's not his house!!!!!

Who cares what he says or thinks? He doesn't have to bow to anything, because he's NOT INVOLVED.

It's not his home. Even if the OP were RENTING the home from him, or borrowing it, her home shouldn't be full of his STUFF.

So ignore him completely. Don't even try to get him to "agree"--he doesn't have the standing to do so!

It doesn't matter what he thinks. And if the OP and her DH simply do what they want and blithely go one as if nothing is wrong, then guess what? Nothing WILL be wrong.

When he grumbles about how you've changed the house, just be indulgently amused. "It's so hard to let go of a home you've invested so much in. Poor Granddad, isn't he cute." Feel free to be indulgently condescending and sympathetic to him when he says these things. (heck, make that your "cut-and-paste" sentence--"You're so cute, it's so hard to let go of a home you've invested so much in, isn't it?" Maybe being pitied will shut him up.)

TootsNYC

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #21 on: May 29, 2013, 04:52:54 PM »
The OP may not feel that she can get rid of what is essentially someone else's possession.

But she can transfer its location to be out of HER place and into HIS place.

I'm telling you, I sure would!
I'd either move it into his home, smack in the middle of the g.d. living room, or I'd move it into a storage locker and pay the rent from now until 2 weeks after he gets to the area for his summer vacation.

And then when he gets here, I'd give him the key and the rental contract, and tell him he's on his own in arranging storage of HIS organ, because I don't want it in MY house anymore. And I'd fill all the corners of that storage locker with everything I could find, even if it was a damned spatula.

jedikaiti

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #22 on: May 29, 2013, 05:10:47 PM »
Donate it to someone else.  The church lost their chance.    FIL, we are donating the organ to X organization.  If you want it to go elsewhere, it needs to be out by June 15th.

POD. And let the church know, since they have not seen fit to return your calls, they will not be getting it.
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

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TootsNYC

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #23 on: May 29, 2013, 05:53:05 PM »
Donate it to someone else.  The church lost their chance.    FIL, we are donating the organ to X organization.  If you want it to go elsewhere, it needs to be out by June 15th.

POD. And let the church know, since they have not seen fit to return your calls, they will not be getting it.

You guys are missing something. This is not the OP's organ. Ethically (and probably legally) she can't dispose of it like that.

And she can't tell the church that they can't have it. It's not hers.

It's one thing to go ahead and get her FIL's possession into the hands of the organization that her FIL *already* designated, to speed up that process.

But even if it's in her house, she can't just get rid of it any way SHE wants to.

That's why I've suggested moving it either to a place under her control that's easily transferred to him, or onto his own property.

jedikaiti

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #24 on: May 29, 2013, 06:15:45 PM »
Donate it to someone else.  The church lost their chance.    FIL, we are donating the organ to X organization.  If you want it to go elsewhere, it needs to be out by June 15th.

POD. And let the church know, since they have not seen fit to return your calls, they will not be getting it.

You guys are missing something. This is not the OP's organ. Ethically (and probably legally) she can't dispose of it like that.

And she can't tell the church that they can't have it. It's not hers.

It's one thing to go ahead and get her FIL's possession into the hands of the organization that her FIL *already* designated, to speed up that process.

But even if it's in her house, she can't just get rid of it any way SHE wants to.

That's why I've suggested moving it either to a place under her control that's easily transferred to him, or onto his own property.

Yes, but at some point it does become abandoned property - he can't just leave it there indefinitely. But that's skating legal territory, so I think we should make a note that just kicking it to the curb might not be feasable, and leave it up to the OP to make the determination.

I do think church & (especially) FIL do need a firm deadline with consequences - I like your idea of just putting it on his property. "Have it out by June 15, or we will move it out of our home and leave it in your driveway." Then do it. Make it his problem to deal with and wash your hands of the whole thing.
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #25 on: May 29, 2013, 11:06:37 PM »
I called the Church twice about the organ. Rather than call me back, they called FIL.  The message from FIL was that the organ was NOT leaving the house until he came up.  DH=8 years old.  The comment about the key made me LOL!  The front door handle and lock was our wedding present. I think I just need to remind FIL that MIL wouldn't let him replace the carpeting in their house and it was the first thing he did when he got home from the funeral, so I shouldn't have to live with things that I don't want.

Am I right in understanding that (a) your FIL has a key to your house, and that (b) you can't change the locks, as that would mean getting rid of your FIL's "wedding present"?

If so, that strikes me as a rather manipulative, boundary-tramping wedding gift!

camlan

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #26 on: May 29, 2013, 11:12:42 PM »
Donate it to someone else.  The church lost their chance.    FIL, we are donating the organ to X organization.  If you want it to go elsewhere, it needs to be out by June 15th.

POD. And let the church know, since they have not seen fit to return your calls, they will not be getting it.

You guys are missing something. This is not the OP's organ. Ethically (and probably legally) she can't dispose of it like that.

And she can't tell the church that they can't have it. It's not hers.

It's one thing to go ahead and get her FIL's possession into the hands of the organization that her FIL *already* designated, to speed up that process.

But even if it's in her house, she can't just get rid of it any way SHE wants to.

That's why I've suggested moving it either to a place under her control that's easily transferred to him, or onto his own property.

This (the bolded) all depends on the sale contract for the house. If there is a clause in the contract that the OP and her DH were buying the house and all its contents, then the organ belongs to them. That's what's usually the case--what's in the house becomes the property of the new owners, unless there is something specific in the contract excluding certain items from the sale.

But I agree with Toots. Even if the OP now technically owns the organ, I wouldn't want to have to deal with FIL if they did something with the organ. So pack his stuff up and get it out of the house. There is no reason, other than keeping FIL happy, to keep his stuff.

And in the long run, why on earth would you keep FIL happy at the expense of your own happiness? FIL has two residences--his home and his summer place. He can furnish them to his heart's content.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


artk2002

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #27 on: May 30, 2013, 12:37:48 AM »
I think that the OP is going to have to take unilateral action on the organ and any other of FIL's possessions currently in the house. As long as that stuff is there, he can still think of it as "his place." He has control.

For the organ, set a deadline and say "If it isn't out of here by X, then we will consider that you have given up all rights to it and we will dispose of it as we see fit." Send by registered mail and keep a copy. Either that or start charging him rent.

I don't agree that OP and her DH have to keep it indefinitely simply because it isn't theirs. It's taking up space, rent free in their home. In fact, building on my previous idea, send him a letter saying that you're charging a storage fee and then when he doesn't pay dispose of it in lieu of payment. Get some advice from a lawyer on how to write that up.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

xanne

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #28 on: May 30, 2013, 09:17:45 AM »
When DH bought the house, he supposedly could get rid of everything except the Organ and the dining room set since ILs would take it when they retired to our area.  They never really let go of the house even though they sold it.  I would get calls at work stating that item X was no longer where they put it almost 20 years ago and what did I do with it?  The plan was to put all of ILs stuff in storage - would not be cheap because the organ needs climate control - technically it also needs to be professionally moved since it is a 400+lb beast with tubes.  DH lost his job, so the money was not there to pay for storage and MIL was still living and she was a master manipulator and would make DH's life a living h@ll.  DH asked her to make a decision about her stuff and the crying phone calls and level of grief that came down was incredible.  I have since disposed of some things, but FIL made a lot of items so DH has an attachment to them - they are in his office space since I don't want to live with them.  June 15th is a perfect date, it is our anniversary.  This summer, all of the small sundry items will be gone.  I tried to be nice, but it certainly backfired and I have been living with the results of my actions.

EmmaJ.

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #29 on: May 30, 2013, 11:17:50 AM »
Xanne, your update just reinforces what so many folks here preach:  "Begin as you mean to go on".  You (inadvertently) let your in-laws have control of their former house, and it is going to be very difficult to wrest that control back.

Be strong, be firm, be polite - but take back control!  Get those things out and clear away all their mementos.  You don't have to dispose of them, but get them out of sight.  And be sure and to say things like "I love the view in my house" or "I need to paint my kitchen".