Author Topic: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it  (Read 12984 times)

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heartmug

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #30 on: May 30, 2013, 11:51:37 AM »
If it were me, I would not let DH stand by and let his father treat me like that.  His parents = his problem.  Personally, I would get to counseling to let someone else referee how you both are to act in this situation.  It doesn't sound like he puts you first in his life.  My own DH for the early part of our marriage never stood up for me and it was a big problem.
One option in a tug of war with someone is just to drop the rope.

wyliefool

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #31 on: May 30, 2013, 12:11:47 PM »
Me, I would sell the house. Even if I have to move across the street. (Altho I'd prefer it be farther away from the ILs' 2d home!) It will never be your house to your FIL. I would also smash the organ into tiny little pieces and then burn them. But I live in the country, where that's how you dispose of trash.

Otherwise, I agree w/ Toots. Store everything or start charging rent for it if you can't afford that, and then once he's back next door move everything over there. Get it all out of your house. Change the locks, or at least have them rekeyed. It will be money well spent, I promise.

TootsNYC

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #32 on: May 30, 2013, 03:07:46 PM »
I'm wondering--have you ever sat FIL and simply talked to him?

Said to him, "Do you notice how you said this, and that, and the other thing? And do you remember that DH and I *purchased* this house--we paid you a fair value for it. Do you remember that I actually *owned* my own home before, and that I put my OWN, non-family, money into THIS house?
   "And how would you react if I told you about your house, the things you say to me? Do you see how unfair you are? I want to ask you to stop."

Have you ever said that to him? Especially in a specific, "I have something to tell you" way, instead of just in passing at the time of the comment?

JeanFromBNA

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #33 on: May 30, 2013, 03:31:09 PM »
You may be holding onto a nice little investment with that Hammond Organ:  http://hammondorgansale.com/products__prices.  Since they're not being made anymore, and are becoming increasingly rare, the prices for a well-kept organ will likely increase. 

I get your frustration.  If it was, say, a child's particle-board bedroom set from the 1960's  ::), I would have it off like a prom dress.  Here in Music City, we are more aware of the value of large, bulky musical instruments. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #34 on: May 30, 2013, 03:50:44 PM »
You may be holding onto a nice little investment with that Hammond Organ:  http://hammondorgansale.com/products__prices.  Since they're not being made anymore, and are becoming increasingly rare, the prices for a well-kept organ will likely increase. 

I get your frustration.  If it was, say, a child's particle-board bedroom set from the 1960's  ::), I would have it off like a prom dress.  Here in Music City, we are more aware of the value of large, bulky musical instruments.

That's really interesting! I was actually thinking the opposite--that the church called FIL *because* they don't really want it. And that part of the problem is that *no* one wants it, since it's old technology.

But I love the idea of finding a buyer and presenting them to FIL as a fait accompli.

*inviteseller

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #35 on: May 30, 2013, 03:53:58 PM »
I am not, by any means backing up the father, but you FIL sounds like my dad.  Change is hard, letting go of the house and control over redoing anything takes away the memories of the past.  It took my dad about forever and a day into his remarriage to start changing things in the house (kitchen, bathroom, painting).  He didn't come right out and say it, but comments were well, things are going to be so different, which to me meant "it looks so different from when your mom and I moved in."  It took all of us telling him how hideous the kitchen looked and the color of the walls worked in the 70's, not so much now.  My step mother did her best not to make too many changes but it must have been hard, once us kids were all out of the house to keep living in the shadow of my long deceased mother.  And the fact that he still sees your husband as a child means he has not moved on from when they lived as a family in the house.  Instead of just saying "MY house, deal with it.", maybe you and he, without your husband as it will take out the memories factor, have a quiet chat about why he hates all the changes?  You should still go ahead and make the changes, but try to understand his feelings also.  As far as the organ..the church was so wrong to call him that they would NOT be getting it.  Give him a deadline to take action as to where it is going to go, with the understanding it will no longer be in your house, and if he can't make that decision, do what you have to with it. 

JeanFromBNA

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #36 on: May 30, 2013, 06:08:49 PM »
You may be holding onto a nice little investment with that Hammond Organ:  http://hammondorgansale.com/products__prices.  Since they're not being made anymore, and are becoming increasingly rare, the prices for a well-kept organ will likely increase. 

I get your frustration.  If it was, say, a child's particle-board bedroom set from the 1960's  ::), I would have it off like a prom dress.  Here in Music City, we are more aware of the value of large, bulky musical instruments.

That's really interesting! I was actually thinking the opposite--that the church called FIL *because* they don't really want it. And that partof the problem is that *no* one wants it, since it's old technology.

But I love the idea of finding a buyer and presenting them to FIL as a fait accompli.

Yep.  The Hammond B3 is in particular demand in music studios for its distinctive sound.  It can be heard on Procol Harum's Whiter Shade of Pale (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mb3iPP-tHdA) and Booker T and the M G's Green Onions (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bpS-cOBK6Q).

I would think that you would have no trouble finding a buyer for a Hammond organ.  If it's rare enough, someone would be willing to pick it up and ship it themselves.

Kaypeep

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #37 on: May 30, 2013, 09:12:47 PM »
The next time FIL makes a comment about changing something  I would flat out confront him and say something like "You know, FIL.  This isn't the first time you've made a comment like this to me, and honestly I'm really tired of hearing them.  You are on your third home already, but still keeping things here and laying a claim to it in a way, and I've had enough.  I paid my own money and joined DH as co-owner of this home.  Why is it wrong for *me* to want to make changes in *my* house?  I'm letting you know right now that I do not plan on spending another summer listening to remarks or criticisms about *my* house.  We've done you a favor and stored your things long enough, and this is the last season of doing so.  You have until ____ to remove A, B, C, etc and do what you want with them but they can't stay here anymore.  Anything left here after that date will be removed as I see fit.  You are always welcome here, but these things are not.  I appreciate your cooperation."

xanne

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #38 on: May 31, 2013, 08:40:57 AM »
The organ is an A-100 - the no frills version of the B3.  Last year when the church said they weren't going to make a decision for a year about whether or not they wanted the darn thing, we were told we could sell it.  The first buyer didn't offer as much as FIL wanted and when the second buyer offered a fair price, FIL told us the church was going to take it  - and he had know about it since before the first buyer arrived.  Everything is need to know with DHs family and we are rarely read in.  DH has the family "live in a museum" gene, but I have been slowly changing things and he is happy with the changes.  Typical change cycle can be up to a year.  Say that something needs to be changed, let it go for several months, bring up again, lather rinse repeat.  Eventually it becomes a good idea and happiness for all parties happens after the change is made.  I guess that is part of the reason I have put up with being a storage facility for so long. I am just running out of patience.

SPuck

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #39 on: May 31, 2013, 08:52:34 AM »
My dad is the same way about living in a museum. (Or in the case of our house a crumbling museum, but that is a different thread) Your three choices are A) Throwing your own fit B) Just getting rid of the items and seeing how your husband reacts to the sudden change C) Counseling to your husband through his process faster. Personally I suggest option B with a message that you have lived in someone else's house for over a decade and you are tired of it.

Your FIL is a non-person on this situation expect for maybe any legal matters involving the organ. If he sees a changed house and throws a hissy fit that is his issue. You can show him your door if that happens.

RebeccainGA

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #40 on: May 31, 2013, 09:28:29 AM »
I so understand this, from both ends. Our DD is living, with roommates, in our old house (which we still own, and rent to them). We went to stay a night there (by mutual arrangement, we have a bedroom that is *ours* still in the house, as we do occasionally need to return to that area) and DP was horrified by the state of the bathroom, and by a few other things (large lines of empty liquor bottles, acquired empty from the bar one of them works at, used as decor, etc.). I told her that it was THEIR home now, and while our bathroom may be in one state, there are two early 20s men living there with three large dogs, and DD may as well be a boy as far as her behavior/cleaning standards go (and, she's out of the country at the moment!).

I don't have much advice, and I see you've gotten some good ideas from lots of folks. Just know that you're not the only one in that boat, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And it's not a train, usually. :-)

bopper

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #41 on: May 31, 2013, 09:37:58 AM »
Another option:

FIL is probably lamenting that his life is changing/fading.
So is his comment that the organ is gone really about the organ or about the fact that he enjoyed the time of his life when the organ was being used.
So could you ask him "It is too bad that no one can play that organ.  Who used to play it? What type of music did they play?" and listen to his stories while mean while the organ is going to a good home.  There are people that restore Hammond Organs so maybe they would appreciate it (google it).

or "I will bet that carpeting looked awesome when it was new!  Where did you pick it out? Is that store still there?"


xanne

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #42 on: May 31, 2013, 11:05:01 AM »
I know my MIL used to play the organ, but in the 12 years that I knew her, she only played it once and not because they weren't in and out of the house whether or not we were home. I had a nightmare that FIL decided to keep the organ (there is another one in his permanent residence) and learn to play and that each day I came home from work to him badly playing and singing hymns.  FIL has become a zealous Whovian in the past few years, but I was raised Vulcan. I do listen to FILs stories, I know all about the carpeting in the house and the people who installed it.  FIL built the house which is part of the issue. I really think it is more about control.  My MIL was an extremely manipulative person (I am severely allergic to that) and some of it rubbed off on FIL. I think he just needs a gentle reminder that he has moved on and there are people who would be thrilled with the museum collection.

SPuck

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #43 on: May 31, 2013, 11:32:20 AM »
xanne, you have had the patience of a saint for the better part of a decade, but at this point your father-in-laws feelings do not matter, it is not his house any longer. If he had sold it to a stranger he wouldn't get this level of control over a house that isn't his, and he shouldn't get it just because his son and daughter in law bought his old house.

QueenfaninCA

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Re: Setting Boundaries - for someone who just doesn't get it
« Reply #44 on: May 31, 2013, 12:52:37 PM »
The next time FIL makes a comment about changing something  I would flat out confront him and say something like "You know, FIL.  This isn't the first time you've made a comment like this to me, and honestly I'm really tired of hearing them.  You are on your third home already, but still keeping things here and laying a claim to it in a way, and I've had enough.  I paid my own money and joined DH as co-owner of this home.  Why is it wrong for *me* to want to make changes in *my* house?  I'm letting you know right now that I do not plan on spending another summer listening to remarks or criticisms about *my* house.  We've done you a favor and stored your things long enough, and this is the last season of doing so.  You have until ____ to remove A, B, C, etc and do what you want with them but they can't stay here anymore.  Anything left here after that date will be removed as I we see fit.  You are always welcome here, but these things are not.  I We appreciate your cooperation."

There, fixed that for you.

But otherwise POD.