Author Topic: Have you ever lied to your children?  (Read 13012 times)

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Curious Cat

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #30 on: May 30, 2013, 07:35:10 AM »
Our kids were only 3 and 4 when we suddenly had to decide on euthanasia for the family cat. He'd been kind of lethargic for several weeks, and when the vet did exploratory surgery she found advanced cancer.  She called us during the procedure, and we made the decision (which I realize will not be popular here) to end his life there and then.  Our figuring was that extending his life including pain would only have benefited us, not him.

We felt that our kids were too young to explain euthanasia.  We simply told them them that Leo was sicker than we realized and that he died at the vet's.

If anyone here thinks that we were evil to do so - so be it.

I'd have done the same thing in both instances (cat and explaining it to the kids).

I agree. I don't think this is lying as much as omitting details. Leo was sicker than you realized and he did die at the vet. It was an age-appropriate explanation.

Hugs Karen.  What a tough spot to be in. If anyone judges you they are definitely not worth your time.

Judah

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #31 on: May 30, 2013, 11:16:25 AM »
It's always bothered me that my mother lied to me growing up. It was never anything serious, just the white lies a lot of parents tell their kids to make life easier, but I resented it. So I vowed never to lie to my own kids. And other than Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy, I haven't. I don't think lying makes life easier; maybe in the short run, but in the long run lying makes life more complicated.
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*inviteseller

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #32 on: May 30, 2013, 11:22:20 AM »
Would I tell my kids that I was less than honest over things?  Sure, because I have never lied about the big stuff..yes, I have fibbed about food to get them to eat something, I have glossed over details about an animal death but they always know the animal has died (my backyard is something out of a Stephen King novel), I have made up stories to get out of reading the same book/singing the same song/playing ring around the rosy for the gajillionth time, made up stories to get an earlier bedtime accomplished or a nap.  I was not scarred by my dads fibs (he had some good ones that we still laugh about) and it has been fun watching my brother get busted on a badly thought out fib to his kids.  There is a lot of fibbing in parenting and as long as you don't outright lie all the time to your kids about the important stuff I say go with what works.

Zilla

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #33 on: May 30, 2013, 11:22:32 AM »



I do omission or changing the subject.  If asked directly and they are intent on getting the answer, I answer truthfully.  Or I will simply tell them that they are too young for an exact answer but here's what I can say about it.  I too was raised with a liar and it bothered me a lot.  So I don't even lie about Santa/Tooth Fairy or anything.  Oh and I am infamous with my kids for the noncommittal answer which I know they will remember and probably complain when they are older.  Which is Mmmhmm? :D

gramma dishes

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #34 on: May 30, 2013, 11:23:59 AM »
Yes.

- my car won't start unless everyone is buckled in


That's not a lie.  ???   I said exactly the same thing to my kids. 

But it was definitely the truth.  I wouldn't turn the key in the ignition until I'd heard the correct number of seatbelt snaps.  So the car really wouldn't start until everyone was buckled up!

Marzipan

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #35 on: May 30, 2013, 11:24:41 AM »
DD1 and I laugh over a lie I told her. I was reading her a book one day when she was about 18 months old - you know the kind, every second page is the same and there's a squeaker to squeak in between pages. I had read this book, no exaggeration, at least thirty times in a row (and every second page was the same). I had sung it in the style of an opera singer, read it in a squeaky voice, read it in a gruff voice and every other voice, in a desperate bid to maintain my sanity.


No wonder she wanted you ready the book over and over again.  You made it sooo much fun to listen to!
« Last Edit: May 30, 2013, 11:27:08 AM by Marzipan »

wonderfullyanonymous

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #36 on: May 30, 2013, 11:34:29 AM »
As far as I can remember, I've told the kids the truth. They knew where babies came from, and how they got there. The older 2 saw their siblings come into this world.

If an animal passed away, they were told, if an adult was sick, they were told the truth.

There is however, one little white lie I told, and that was so I could get through the night, with out being awakened by a screaming child because of a night terror.

Monsters under the bed. For Monsters under the bed, I developed Monster Spray. Monster spray was any spray bottle, filled with water, with a couple drops of anything pretty smelling in it. At night before said child would go to bed, Monster Spray was liberally sprayed around and under the bed, and then left in the bedroom for the child to use later, if they needed it.

No more monsters, no more night terrors, that meant sleeping all night for me.

gramma dishes

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #37 on: May 30, 2013, 11:38:56 AM »
As far as I can remember, I've told the kids the truth. They knew where babies came from, and how they got there. The older 2 saw their siblings come into this world.

If an animal passed away, they were told, if an adult was sick, they were told the truth.

There is however, one little white lie I told, and that was so I could get through the night, with out being awakened by a screaming child because of a night terror.

Monsters under the bed. For Monsters under the bed, I developed Monster Spray. Monster spray was any spray bottle, filled with water, with a couple drops of anything pretty smelling in it. At night before said child would go to bed, Monster Spray was liberally sprayed around and under the bed, and then left in the bedroom for the child to use later, if they needed it.

No more monsters, no more night terrors, that meant sleeping all night for me.

Well, see?

The monster spray worked great!  No monsters at your house hiding under beds or in closets!!  So it turned out to be the truth.   :)

Pen^2

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #38 on: May 30, 2013, 11:42:37 AM »
A lot of things aren't appropriate to tell children, because they're not emotionally equipped to deal with them. I know a woman who works in some pretty awful places, helping stop human trafficking involving teenaged and pre-teen girls. This woman has children, who are both well under ten (five and seven, maybe?). They just know that: "mummy's job is helping make sure that other kids get to have nice families like us. She finds sad ones who don't have families and finds them a new mummy and daddy and makes things all better." It is true but there are no gory unpleasant details. I think that's the key: omit what is obviously too much for them, but otherwise keep them vaguely on track with something at their level. I don't like the idea of lying to kids just when it's convenient: keep them in the loop as much as is possible.

Children aren't adults. It's not fair to throw them in the deep end with serious issues and treat them like they're able to cope.

I have no children of my own, but I've kind of lied to other people's kids... There was this little girl at work, 6 years old, who had found out that dragons weren't real and was quietly upset. I took her aside and said that they are absolutely real, it's just that we call them dinosaurs now, but not everyone knows that. (A lot of dragon legends were based on dinosaur fossil finds, as were griffins etc). I'm pretty sure that counts as a lie, though. I can't really justify it by saying it cheered her up and was otherwise inconsequential, but there you are. Kind of like monster spray and the seat belt-connected car ignition.

Zilla

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #39 on: May 30, 2013, 11:45:48 AM »
Yes.

- my car won't start unless everyone is buckled in


That's not a lie.  ???   I said exactly the same thing to my kids. 

But it was definitely the truth.  I wouldn't turn the key in the ignition until I'd heard the correct number of seatbelt snaps.  So the car really wouldn't start until everyone was buckled up!


I showed the kids the seatbelt law vdeo and that I didn't want to get in trouble with the law.  This was enough for them.  What I didn't like was when other moms threatened their kids that the police will take them away.  Um no.  They will issue a ticket.  And makes kids terrified of all police officers which isn't a good thing in an emergency.

cwm

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #40 on: May 30, 2013, 11:46:03 AM »
I don't have kids of my own, but I'm helping raise my niece and helped a lot when my cousins were younger. I remember BEING Santa Claus for my younger cousins, he was so excited when I came back to have seen Santa, but was sad because I didn't get to see him.

My parents did the Santa/Tooth Fairy/Easter Bunny thing with us, until we got old enough to call them out on it. I found out about Santa before my sister did, and one Christmas morning we were getting into the car to go to my grandma's for Christmas breakfast. My sister pointed up at the roof and screamed that Santa MUST have come the night before. Apparently a squirrel had run across the rooftop making it look like hoof prints in the snow. I knew better, but I let her be completely excited about it, and all day she got to tell people she saw the reindeer prints on our house.

Whenever my sister or I was enough to ask about the lies, we were told the truth. I remember going to visit my great grandma in the hospital with Alzheimer's and thought how terrible it was that she didn't remember us, but she said something to my mom that my mom told me that I'll never forget, and I'll never lie about mental illness to any child. My mom and g-grandma were sitting aside while all the kids played, it was grandma's birthday and we had all gone to visit because she was relatively healthy, aside from her memory. There were pictures everywhere and she just turned to my mom and smiled and said, "You know, these are the happiest people I've seen here in a long time. They're such a beautiful family, I just wish I knew who any of them were." Even though she couldn't remember us, we made her day so much better, and all the kids knew beforehand that she wouldn't remember us but that if she did, she would love us very much no matter what.

shygirl

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #41 on: May 30, 2013, 11:53:51 AM »
My son is almost 3, and so far I haven't had any reason where I would need to lie to him.  Except Caillou.  Whenever he asks to watch Caillou, I tell him Caillou is sleeping.  I CAN'T STAND Caillou!

I don't think my son would understand the truth, which is "Mama hates Caillou so you can't watch that show when Mama is around".

Judah

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #42 on: May 30, 2013, 11:56:10 AM »
My son is almost 3, and so far I haven't had any reason where I would need to lie to him.  Except Caillou.  Whenever he asks to watch Caillou, I tell him Caillou is sleeping.  I CAN'T STAND Caillou!

I don't think my son would understand the truth, which is "Mama hates Caillou so you can't watch that show when Mama is around".

I hated Barney when my kids were little and my kids knew it. They didn't even ask to watch the show because they knew I'd veto it. Fortunately, we didn't really get TV (it was in and out, long story) so it only came up very rarely.
« Last Edit: May 30, 2013, 11:57:43 AM by Judah »
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

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gramma dishes

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #43 on: May 30, 2013, 12:11:46 PM »

...   and I'll never lie about mental illness to any child. ...   

***************************************************************************************************

...   and she just turned to my mom and smiled and said, "You know, these are the happiest people I've seen here in a long time. They're such a beautiful family, I just wish I knew who any of them were." Even though she couldn't remember us, we made her day so much better, and all the kids knew beforehand that she wouldn't remember us but that if she did, she would love us very much no matter what.



That is such a beautifully sweet, heart warming story.  Made me feel all mushy inside just to read it.   :)

But please don't equate memory loss with mental illness.  It's really not the same.  Categorizing them together isn't really fair to those who are personally experiencing, or are grappling with the effects of, either of the two issues. 

MrTango

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #44 on: May 30, 2013, 12:44:35 PM »
I don't have any children of my own, but I do have a neice (9) and nephew (18).
My policy when it comes to children is that I will never tell them something that I don't believe to be true.

I will, however, defer to their parents by telling the kid that they need to ask their parent about that.  Sometimes, I'll turn their question around and ask what they think the answer is and why they think that way.  Sometimes, I'll offer a point of view that allows room for multiple answers to the same question.  Other times, I'll be intentionally vague in my response.