Author Topic: Have you ever lied to your children?  (Read 12792 times)

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Carotte

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #60 on: May 30, 2013, 05:49:18 PM »
I certainly didn't make a habit of it, but when my small DD asked, "Mummy, what's this?" and the correct answer was, "That?  Why, that is Mummy's vibrator," I am fairly sure I was shockingly untruthful.

Ahaha, we had family friends ( the mom and small daughter) staying with us last year, the girl was in my room going through the box where I keep my old stuffed animals, and where I apparently also put my red fuzzy handcuff (gag gift from a friend, still 'hidden' from my parents). I'm not sure what I said, most likely that ii was for playing pretend, and you know, the red fuzz is so that no one gets hurt, and no you cannot go play with them and show your mom.

Snooks

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #61 on: May 30, 2013, 05:49:33 PM »
Age appropriate truths are generally a good thing but please remember when you've told them and don't assume that your adult children filled in the gaps in the intervening years.  In fairness I didn't need to know all the gory details of various family members illnesses and deaths when I was younger but I'd also never given them much thought afterwards so it did shake me up a bit to hear them as an adult.

Ms_Cellany

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #62 on: May 30, 2013, 05:55:55 PM »
When my nephew asked the "why do I hafta do X?" kind of questions, my sister would tell him, "It's in the contract."
"What contract?"
"The one you signed when you were born. You agreed to do X."
"I wanna see it."
"You can't. That's part of what you agreed to when you signed it."

Eventually he caught on, but "the contract" became a great shared joke.
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jpcher

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #63 on: May 30, 2013, 06:14:59 PM »
Interesting thread!

;D I agree! and, Lynn2000 I really liked your post. Nicely written.

I, too, have skirted issues or omitted certain facts . . . like how I really was during my teenage years when they asked me about my life growing up. I told them about cutting classes and how mad my parents were when I missed curfew, but they don't need to know all the gory details :-[ . . . but I don't think that's lying because I never painted my past as a happy one.


I want my DS to always be honest with me. How can I expect that if I am not always honest with him?

This. Exactly. I never lied to my kids for the very reason that I firmly believe that they will inevitably find out they've been lied to, whether it's tomorrow or in 10 years. And once they find out I've lied, how will they ever trust me again, and how can I expect them not to think it's perfectly OK to lie to me?

My kids are grown now and they really do appreciate that when I say something to them, they have no doubt that I fully believe it to be true.

Yup. My sentiments, exactly.


Yesterday I realized that I don't think that it's possible for me to lie to my kids . . . Hence, the reason for my post.


Both DDs (19 & 21) have been getting on me about my health. While I'm (still) in relatively good health I know I need to exercise more and make a few changes with my dietary habits.

I told them that I would start walking around the building after lunch.

But, of course, a rush job came in and, well, I never did go for my walk yesterday. (I know, excuses, excuses, right?)*

When DD#2 asked me about my walk I honestly thought about lying to her. Who's going to know? Right? But I just couldn't do it.

I'm not a liar. In general, I like to think of me as an honest person, but I do occasionally tell lies . . . like to my Boss "I'm sick today and won't be in" or maybe I'll tell a friend "I'm busy that day" when I'm really not sick or busy.



I was just surprised at myself that telling a lie to my kids would affect me in such a manner. I felt like I should put my hand to my forehead if I were going to lie (not really, I just read that post today, but it's such a kid-like-solution if you're going to lie! ;D)

Yeah. No. I can't lie to my kids.



Thank you all for your posts. I really like reading other posters viewpoints on this subject. ;D





*I didn't walk after lunch today, either ::), and fully intended to walk a few blocks when I got home from work. It was pouring rain. BUT! I did walk up and down the stairs to my basement 8 times. That counts, doesn't it?


(4 replies while I was typing . . . posting anyway, will come back to read the others. Thanks again!)

MOM21SON

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #64 on: May 30, 2013, 06:29:14 PM »
I don't think I have ever lied to my son.

However, I did just do something sneaky.  He does not eat cheese, only on pizza.  He claims he does not like it.  I don't know how he knows that because he has never had any kind of cheese except on pizza and a few grilled cheeses when he was very young.

I bought some guava and cheese pastries today and peeled the sticker off saying what flavor they were.

I may regret doing that because he may just eat them all!

Zilla

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #65 on: May 30, 2013, 06:47:53 PM »
When DD asked me how the new baby will get out of my tummy, and how did she... I vaguely described how most births happened, but that for her (and new baby) the doctors put in a zipper, take the baby out, then zip me back up.  I didn't want to lie about the c-section process but I thought the zipper imagery would be less traumatic than cut-n-sew.

We usually tell her the truth about things, though age-appropriate and light on details.


When oldest was about 8 or 9, we were in the car driving somewhere.  We had run several errands and on the way home.  (with a tiny BG, kids at her school were already "dating")  She piped out of the blue, "Mommy what's sex?"  I almost yelled out in surprise but I kept my cool.  And was thankful that I was in the front seat so she couldn't see my red face.  I was thinking omigosh are they already talking about that at her school!  So I decided to be truthful and told her this long story about a man and a woman.  At the end I was like sweating bullets and asked her if she understood or had any questions.  She was silent and said she was confused.  I then asked her well where did she hear it?  She said she read it on the camp application I was filling out for her on one of our errands.  It said, "Sex" F or M....


Yeah, that was brilliant of me. Real Brilliant.

MOM21SON

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #66 on: May 30, 2013, 06:51:05 PM »
When DD asked me how the new baby will get out of my tummy, and how did she... I vaguely described how most births happened, but that for her (and new baby) the doctors put in a zipper, take the baby out, then zip me back up.  I didn't want to lie about the c-section process but I thought the zipper imagery would be less traumatic than cut-n-sew.

We usually tell her the truth about things, though age-appropriate and light on details.


When oldest was about 8 or 9, we were in the car driving somewhere.  We had run several errands and on the way home.  (with a tiny BG, kids at her school were already "dating")  She piped out of the blue, "Mommy what's sex?"  I almost yelled out in surprise but I kept my cool.  And was thankful that I was in the front seat so she couldn't see my red face.  I was thinking omigosh are they already talking about that at her school!  So I decided to be truthful and told her this long story about a man and a woman.  At the end I was like sweating bullets and asked her if she understood or had any questions.  She was silent and said she was confused.  I then asked her well where did she hear it?  She said she read it on the camp application I was filling out for her on one of our errands.  It said, "Sex" F or M....


Yeah, that was brilliant of me. Real Brilliant.

LOL.  Snorting soup out of your nose is not a good thing.

And my cat is staring at me.

*inviteseller

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #67 on: May 30, 2013, 07:11:40 PM »
CRUD MONKEYS! Zilla...my DD wants to know why mommy is laughing so bad.  I have over explained things too but not to that extent!

veronaz

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #68 on: May 30, 2013, 07:32:37 PM »
I think the question is too general and a bit strange.  :-\  Everyone has lied to their children at some point.

katycoo

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #69 on: May 30, 2013, 07:40:18 PM »
A lot of what people are claiming in this thread to be truths are simply justified lying.  Lying my omission, white lies, minor fibs to calm a child - all lies.  And this is exactly why some lies have a place in society.

There is a fine line between lies that protect kids and lies which ultimately make them feel betrayed down the track.  Is agreeing that there are monsters and giving them spray better than reassuring them that there are no monsters?  Is telling them the dog went to a family who couldn't afford their own and were desperately lonely better than telling the kids it died?  Is telling your child that they're great at the violin becuase they love it better than confessing that they're absolutely awful and encouraging them towards something they're more naturally skilled at?

The point is, for some kids going with the fib IS better for them than the dead truth, and for others it isn't.  You just have to hedge your bets based on your knowledge of your own child and hope you did the right thing.  But one way is not suitable for all.

kherbert05

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #70 on: May 30, 2013, 09:22:27 PM »
Yes.

- my car won't start unless everyone is buckled in


That's not a lie.  ???   I said exactly the same thing to my kids. 

But it was definitely the truth.  I wouldn't turn the key in the ignition until I'd heard the correct number of seatbelt snaps.  So the car really wouldn't start until everyone was buckled up!


I showed the kids the seatbelt law vdeo and that I didn't want to get in trouble with the law.  This was enough for them.  What I didn't like was when other moms threatened their kids that the police will take them away.  Um no.  They will issue a ticket.  And makes kids terrified of all police officers which isn't a good thing in an emergency.
POD. Not my kid but cousins. I had a convertible. We were driving down 59 to go to the Zoo. Right around Buffalo Speed way I realize Sandy, age 6 or 7 was too tall in the rear view mirror. I do a quick look back. The imp is on his KNEES with the belt across the his thigh just above the knee -hands up in the air. If I stop suddenly he is going to fly out. He still swears it is one of the few times he heard me curse. I just remember telling him to get his rear on the seat and feet on the floor or I would warm his seat up for him.

I got off the freeway as soon as I safely could and I lit into him. I made it perfectly clear if he EVER pulled a stunt like that again I would never take him anywhere, because I won't chance him getting killed and I can't afford the ticket from the police. To his credit he was amazed I could get punished for what he did wrong. According to him he should get the ticket. I make sure he is buckled in again and get back on the free way. At which point his Sister 9 or 10 asks, "Why do they tell us not to get high at school, but that sign says to get high - and what is getting high?"

I ask if I could please answer that question after we get out of Houston traffic.

I ended up explaining the difference between
1. Getting High
2. and Getting high of life
3. What getting high meant

A couple of Christmases before I had gotten peanuts. Gone to the urgent care unit, and been taken back to the party*. I asked if she remembered what I acted like when we got back from the Urgent care unit. She did. I explained that I was "high", but only because the doctors had to give me powerful medication to save my life. That other people did that on purpose.

I had an interesting conversation with my Cousin, their mother, when I took them home that day. But my cousin told me later that one thing that kept her from getting drunk or doing drugs was that conversation about how I felt like my body was not under my control.



*Our car was buried at the top of my Aunt's very long driveway with 7 - 9 cars behind it. A teenage cousin had taken Mom, Aunt, and me to the Urgent care place - without my Dad, Uncle, or cousin's parents knowing because there were 75 - 100 people there and we couldn't wait to find them). We stayed at Aunt's for a while, because my parents didn't want me having a secondary reaction during the 45 min drive home.
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future

Arrynne

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #71 on: May 31, 2013, 04:26:35 AM »
My SIL told her two year old that her goldfish got a haircut when it died and they replaced it with a slightly smaller one.

MindsEye

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #72 on: May 31, 2013, 08:28:47 AM »
Interesting thread! There is such a spectrum of "not literal truth" responses. To me, a lot of things are metaphorical (which the child understands as literal at first), "playing pretend," age-appropriate simplifications, positive spins/being tactful, or even personal beliefs, rather than outright lies.

Adults have to deal with a lot of social nuances, polite fictions, omissions, and saying completely the opposite of what they're actually thinking (or not saying anything at all), in order to function in society; and I think this is something that can be taught to kids starting at a really young age. That we don't tell Billy his new shirt is ugly, for example, even when he asks--we can tell him it looks fine, or that we like a certain aspect of it, or even that we like another shirt better, but blurting out exactly what we think without moderation can be hurtful.

This.  Exactly this.  All of Lynn2000's post actually, but primarily this.

Largely because growing up I knew several people who were quite proud that they "never told a lie" and frequently used that "virtue"  - "What are you getting upset about?  I am just telling the truth!" - as a whitewash/excuse for being really, really mean and hurtful.


RingTailedLemur

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #73 on: May 31, 2013, 08:31:50 AM »
Interesting thread! There is such a spectrum of "not literal truth" responses. To me, a lot of things are metaphorical (which the child understands as literal at first), "playing pretend," age-appropriate simplifications, positive spins/being tactful, or even personal beliefs, rather than outright lies.

Adults have to deal with a lot of social nuances, polite fictions, omissions, and saying completely the opposite of what they're actually thinking (or not saying anything at all), in order to function in society; and I think this is something that can be taught to kids starting at a really young age. That we don't tell Billy his new shirt is ugly, for example, even when he asks--we can tell him it looks fine, or that we like a certain aspect of it, or even that we like another shirt better, but blurting out exactly what we think without moderation can be hurtful.

This.  Exactly this.  All of Lynn2000's post actually, but primarily this.

Largely because growing up I knew several people who were quite proud that they "never told a lie" and frequently used that "virtue"  - "What are you getting upset about?  I am just telling the truth!" - as a whitewash/excuse for being really, really mean and hurtful.

YES!

"I just tell it like it is" usually means "I am rude and hurtful and if you get offended it's because you can't take the truth."

NestHolder

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Re: Have you ever lied to your children?
« Reply #74 on: May 31, 2013, 01:17:19 PM »
My father lied to me about something huge, and I've always been grateful.

I think I'd probably best put this in hidden text.  When I was a little girl, my father had to tell me, and my younger sister, that our mother had been murdered.  He told us it was very quick and would not have hurt.  It wasn't until I was in my thirties that my sister—who's obviously more curious than I—told me our mother had been raped and strangled.

I'd be quite happy not knowing the truth now, really.