Author Topic: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative  (Read 17285 times)

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heathert

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2013, 06:56:18 PM »
In that case, be prepared for them to show up at your house to "reconcile."  Or the other family members.

Jelaza

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #16 on: June 01, 2013, 07:13:03 PM »
Next time you are pressured by the other relatives
You "Do you love ODD?"
Them off guard "Yes, of course"
You "Then why do you keep pressuring me to let, (Cut off relative) back into her life after all the intentional harm he did to her and (other children). He is a serial emotional abuser (or other term that describes his actions) and will never be allowed near my children again. You are to never  bring up the subject with me or my children again.


Them but he is faaaaaammmmllllyyyy


You NO he is not a family is formed by love. He (describe behavior) that is not Love. Drop it now.


Them but -


You drop it did I tell you about ODD cool activity.


After that - when they do bring it up again leave/hang up/kick them out.

I like this, and kherbert is exactly right.  They are not family, because family does not treat you like that.  They may be relatives, but they are not family.

doodlemor

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #17 on: June 01, 2013, 07:47:46 PM »
I'm so sorry that you have all of this stress to deal with, inviteseller.

To add to the excellent suggestions posted I think that maybe you should get rid of the baby things, unless you really think that you will have another child.  If this is what these people are after, foil them by getting rid of it.  You could take the stuff to a consignment shop and get a bit of cash for summer fun.

I would tell the pressuring people *one time only* that my children were more important to me than anyone else in the world, and that doofus person had harmed them.  I would say that I would do anything necessary to protect them, and will have no further contact with doofus - ever.  I would say that I hope this won't affect my relation*ship with you, and the subject is closed to further discussion.  If the person persisted in the begging I would say that I was sorry, but if this is all you want to talk about the call will have to be ended.  Goodby.

If the cut person shows up at your home and won't leave you may have to call the cops.

You are in the right here, and the others are very, very wrong.  Don't hesitate to keep that spine polished.

sammycat

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #18 on: June 01, 2013, 07:50:04 PM »
I like KHerbert's wording too. 

Frankly, at this point I'd also consider cooling my relationship with the relatives who keep harrassing you about this. No matter how much I cared about them in every other aspect, their refusal to acknowledge that your decision about cutting off The Parasite is a valid one would make me question whether they really did care about me as much as they claim.

Twik

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #19 on: June 01, 2013, 07:51:26 PM »
With regards my last paragraph about EvilTwik, it was, of course, done tongue in cheek (as are all EvilTwik posts).

However, the point is that Parasite would have to make a *public* apology, not just one to me. One in which he admitted, in public, that he had done wrong. Since I doubt he would ever do that, I wouldn't worry about the sincerity of the apology. He wouldn't give one, since that would be publicly admitting he was in the wrong.
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*inviteseller

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #20 on: June 01, 2013, 08:12:35 PM »
Thanks Doodlemor..I am wondering what cosmic forces I hacked off this week..but this is just a minor annoyance.  He will not show up at my house as he knows I will not hesitate to call the police and because he has a record, he won't push his luck.  As far as getting rid of the baby stuff, I have been slowly giving it to people I feel would deserve it and are grateful.  But even if my house was top to bottom baby stuff, he has no right to think he should have it.  I do know for a fact, without even talking to him that is what he is after because he hit up other relatives (not hey, if you have anything you're not using, can we use/borrow it..it was give me your baby stuff cause we don't have the money for it).   And you are right Twik, he will never make a public apology because he feels he did nothing wrong.

veronaz

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #21 on: June 01, 2013, 08:40:49 PM »
Try "That isn't up for discussion," followed by a subject change.

This is good, and effective.  I've used this wording.

Also OP, you need to stop allowing Toxic Relative from making you a phone hostage.  Pick up the phone, if it is him, say "Stop calling me or I'll file a harassment complaint." Click.
« Last Edit: June 01, 2013, 09:16:43 PM by veronaz »

gramma dishes

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #22 on: June 01, 2013, 08:50:36 PM »
I'm with LEMon in pointing out to them that they are damaging their relationship with you.  I would stay calm and explain that you aren't going to change your mind about the mooch, but their persistent pressure may change your mind about them.

This. Your personal decisions are not up for debate.

My sentiments exactly!!  I so agree with both of these!

cicero

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #23 on: June 01, 2013, 11:22:56 PM »
So, without losing the 2 who are pressuring me because I do truly love them, how do I get the message to them that baby or not, I want nothing to do with him or the train wreck that is his life???  And how do I politely let them know that it is not love for me that he won't stop calling, but because he is looking to exhort whatever he can with his sob stories?  I absolutely do not approve of his choices and, while happy the baby is healthy, I cannot get excited over this at all because this is just not going to end well.
Sorry you are going thru this. Sometimes you may have to lose/temporarily lose other relationships to get your message across. Don't be afraid to do this if you have to. I had to do something similar when going through a divorce from husband no. 2. I let my family know that during the time we were getting divorced ( it took about a year because idiot ex was dragging his feet on purpose) I couldn't risk having any info going from me to him, therefore if anyone wanted to remain in contact with him, that was totally their choice, but it means that until we finalize the divorce * I* could not be in contact with them. Some people understood and accepted this immediately, for others it was a learning process

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weeblewobble

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #24 on: June 02, 2013, 11:34:09 AM »
As someone who cut off a relative whom DH and I considered to be a danger to our kids, we tried to be patient (at first) with other "helpful" friends and family members who tried to intervene and get us to forgive and forget.  1) Because we noticed that the people who tried to intervene had received only a convoluted, highly sanitized account of the cut-off relative's actions and didn't realize the extent of exactly how bad the situation had become. And 2) Because the family was so accustomed to doing whatever they could to ignore/accommodate this relative's actions to maintain the status quo, It was a frog in the pot situation.  They started with small exceptions, which got bigger and bigger until they were putting up with completely ridiculous behavior.

That said, people got one, maybe two, opportunities to approach us to interfere before we used the following on them.

"We will take that into consideration."  (That was the softball placating "first-timer" response.)

"This is a private matter."
"That is between Cut Off Relative and us."
"This isn't something I'm willing to discuss with you.  Drop the subject or we will leave."

bopper

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #25 on: June 02, 2013, 12:01:11 PM »
"Not sure why you want to defend someone who caused my daughter and myself so much distress. This is not your business, please don't ask again.'

*inviteseller

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #26 on: June 02, 2013, 12:29:27 PM »
bopper..that was the exact line I used and it worked for awhile, but since the baby came the other day, we are back at it.  It amazes me that they know what we are going through at this time with my dad and it is supposed to be all about celebrating the baby..not one word about my dad, and he is a close relative of theirs (altho my dad cut the one pressuring me off a few years ago for his stupidity).  I will just let all calls from all involved go to voice mail and concentrate on my dad and just ignore them.  My sanity is hanging by a thread as is so it might be time for another cut.

MrTango

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #27 on: June 02, 2013, 05:27:34 PM »
In that case, I would use my best menacing voice and say, "I have told you that this is not. Your. BusinessDrop it."

(extra verbal emphasis on the bolded words)

TootsNYC

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #28 on: June 02, 2013, 06:15:36 PM »
Well, it sounds like you've already TRIED all those stern, slightly confrontational methods that people are suggesting.

Maybe it's time to try something completely else.

Sigh at them.

Be really weary--and say, "Do we have to keep going over this topic? Can't you just drop it? Maybe it's time for you to get past it, and just accept that things are how they are."

And maybe a cut-and-paste would work. It sometimes helps when people want to argue about something, or pry, or get you to agree to something. Maybe something like, "We've had this conversation before. I really can't discuss it."

For one thing, redefine the offense. The offense is not you ignoring this other family member. The offense is them harping on the topic with you. So start SAYING that. "You keep bringing this up. You need to move on."

KB

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #29 on: June 02, 2013, 07:41:50 PM »
I have to say I would seriously consider cutting the people telling you that you just HAVE to be friends with the people you have already sensibly cut off. They clearly do not have your best interests at heart, so why stay connected to people who are almost as toxic? Particularly with the other stresses in life, it might be time afterwards to reconsider exactly who you want in your life.