Author Topic: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative  (Read 17794 times)

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gramma dishes

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #30 on: June 02, 2013, 08:05:39 PM »
I have to say I would seriously consider cutting the people telling you that you just HAVE to be friends with the people you have already sensibly cut off. They clearly do not have your best interests at heart, so why stay connected to people who are almost as toxic? Particularly with the other stresses in life, it might be time afterwards to reconsider exactly who you want in your life.

I think so too.  I'm considering that you did say that the people now pressuring you probably don't really know the whole story of what happened, but that doesn't matter.  They're disrespecting both you and your daughter personally AND your choice to have no further contact with this man by trying to insist that you "play nice" with him.

If they bring it up one more time, I'd say "I am definitely NOT going to discuss this any more.  No, there will be no reconciliation.  Don't bring it up again."  And if they do bring it up again, they've let you know where you stand and I'd drop them too, in a heartbeat!

As to they guy himself, block his phone number, emails, and anything else blockable.  You owe him nothing.  Not a word.

NyaChan

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #31 on: June 02, 2013, 08:12:14 PM »
For stuff like this I feel like just asking people - "Do I seem like the sort of person who would cut someone off just like that?  Don't you think that if I am taking such a drastic measure, that there is a really really good reason why I would have to do this?"  I mean seriously, it isn't as if it is some enjoyable or fun thing to cut someone off.

*inviteseller

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #32 on: June 02, 2013, 09:11:39 PM »
gramma dishes - Yes, they know exactly what was done.  The one person poohpoohed it and said 'you know how he is' and I replied that it was no excuse.  I have decided to go into ignore mode.  The one person who had cut, then went back started to pressure me and all I said was "I love you, so let's not discuss this and respect each others decisions' and she backed off.

gramma dishes

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #33 on: June 02, 2013, 09:27:15 PM »
gramma dishes - Yes, they know exactly what was done.  The one person poohpoohed it and said 'you know how he is' and I replied that it was no excuse.  I have decided to go into ignore mode.  The one person who had cut, then went back started to pressure me and all I said was "I love you, so let's not discuss this and respect each others decisions' and she backed off.

What an incredibly tactful, diplomatic and actually quite sweet response.  I'm glad it worked for you.

And I'm sorry I misunderstood.  I don't know what made me think they didn't know the details or the seriousness of what he had done.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #34 on: June 02, 2013, 11:48:13 PM »
Less words are better.  If you talk for too long, people think that you are having a conversation with them, when in fact you are living your boundaries which aren't up for discussion.

despedina

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #35 on: June 03, 2013, 07:45:38 AM »
OP, I'm not sure how many phone calls you are getting each day but have you considered changing your phone number?  Also, I agree with the poster who said to tell Mr. Cut-off that you will file harassment charges. As someone who's cut off a relative, I know I about lost my mind when I was getting constant phone calls about and from said relative.  When I threatened to file a report the calls ceased.

TootsNYC

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #36 on: June 03, 2013, 10:25:11 AM »
For stuff like this I feel like just asking people - "Do I seem like the sort of person who would cut someone off just like that?  Don't you think that if I am taking such a drastic measure, that there is a really really good reason why I would have to do this?"  I mean seriously, it isn't as if it is some enjoyable or fun thing to cut someone off.

I think, actually, that this would be a perfectly reasonable thing to say.

And it would be reasonable to take offense at them thinking you ARE so petty that you'd cut someone off for no reason.


Less words are better.  If you talk for too long, people think that you are having a conversation with them, when in fact you are living your boundaries which aren't up for discussion.

As my 15yo would say:  "True, dat!"

(this is part of what the "cut and paste" technique does--it keeps YOU from saying more words)

bopper

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #37 on: June 03, 2013, 10:37:53 AM »
"I know you wish we could have a good relationship. I do too. But things as they are, that cannot happen."

Janice

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #38 on: June 03, 2013, 11:11:04 AM »
POD to all the other posters advice on staying the course. Don't let this toxic person back into your life in any way.

Can you block Toxic Relative's phone numbers (all of them) so you don't even need to deal with the voicemails? Unless you need to keep them as evidence of harassment, it seems that the less energy you need to expend on this person, the better.

As for the relatives singing "let's play happy families", my response would likely be along these lines:

"This issue is not your business and is not up for discussion. Please do not bring it up again. Goodbye."

And then end the call immediately, and don't answer if they call back. This does two things - provides an immediate consequence, much like a time-out for a tantruming toddler, and prevents them from continuing the conversation in that direction.




Piratelvr1121

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #39 on: June 03, 2013, 11:44:25 AM »

I like this, and kherbert is exactly right.  They are not family, because family does not treat you like that.  They may be relatives, but they are not family.

This is something I've learned in the last few years, myself.  I've cut out my parents and one of my aunts because no matter what I said to her, she would NOT stop hinting or outright telling me that I needed to make up with my parents.  I didn't tell her anything that happened, just asked her repeatedly to respect that I had my reasons and then finally unfriended and blocked her on fbook when she wouldn't. 

I can't remember exactly what my MIL said once, but it was something along the lines of "Your true family is made up of the people who you want to have around and will always support you."  I don't really feel like I'm missing out on having family because I'm still on good terms with my brother and extended family, but also have my IL's and my best friend. :)

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

whatsanenigma

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #40 on: June 03, 2013, 12:41:11 PM »

I like this, and kherbert is exactly right.  They are not family, because family does not treat you like that.  They may be relatives, but they are not family.

This is something I've learned in the last few years, myself.  I've cut out my parents and one of my aunts because no matter what I said to her, she would NOT stop hinting or outright telling me that I needed to make up with my parents.  I didn't tell her anything that happened, just asked her repeatedly to respect that I had my reasons and then finally unfriended and blocked her on fbook when she wouldn't. 

I can't remember exactly what my MIL said once, but it was something along the lines of "Your true family is made up of the people who you want to have around and will always support you."  I don't really feel like I'm missing out on having family because I'm still on good terms with my brother and extended family, but also have my IL's and my best friend. :)

Another approach might be to say "Yes, he is family.  DD is also family."  You might go even farther and say "By his own, voluntary actions, he forced me to choose between members of my family, and I chose my DD.  Why do you think I should choose him over her instead, given that none of this is her fault?".

Virg

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #41 on: June 03, 2013, 02:19:53 PM »
whatsanenigma wrote:

"Another approach might be to say "Yes, he is family.  DD is also family."  You might go even farther and say "By his own, voluntary actions, he forced me to choose between members of my family, and I chose my DD.  Why do you think I should choose him over her instead, given that none of this is her fault?"."

The problem here is that this is JADEing (specifically J with a dash of D).  The people who would continue to harass you over such a decision don't care why you think it's justified, and so any explanation is just an extension of the discussion and an opportunity to try to change your mind.  "Talk to the hand" is the only tactic that works every time, because that allows you to control the interaction.  So, the best answer is to say "no" and nothing more, and then cut them off too if they can't accept it, at least until they learn to accept your decision and stop harassing you about it.

Virg

whatsanenigma

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #42 on: June 03, 2013, 03:20:42 PM »
whatsanenigma wrote:

"Another approach might be to say "Yes, he is family.  DD is also family."  You might go even farther and say "By his own, voluntary actions, he forced me to choose between members of my family, and I chose my DD.  Why do you think I should choose him over her instead, given that none of this is her fault?"."

The problem here is that this is JADEing (specifically J with a dash of D).  The people who would continue to harass you over such a decision don't care why you think it's justified, and so any explanation is just an extension of the discussion and an opportunity to try to change your mind.  "Talk to the hand" is the only tactic that works every time, because that allows you to control the interaction.  So, the best answer is to say "no" and nothing more, and then cut them off too if they can't accept it, at least until they learn to accept your decision and stop harassing you about it.

Virg

It might be, but it might be what it takes to finally drive the point home that they are asking the OP to choose between her daughter and the other relative.  Sometimes this kind of thing works, when for some reason people don't understand what they are saying, such as when people are just too persistant in asking about when you're going to have children and you need to point out that what they are really asking about is your scrabble life.   They don't realize what they have been doing and they feel weird and stop. 

My mom and I are in kind of a similar situation ourselves with regards to my brother and people telling us we should make up with him, after we cut him off after a "final straw" moment regarding him mistreating me.  Several people have attacked my mom with the words "He's your SON!" and finally she started to reply with "And SHE [me] is my DAUGHTER." There are still some people that don't fully understand and gossip behind our backs, but at least have stopped saying things to our faces.

Texas Mom

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #43 on: June 03, 2013, 04:06:26 PM »
gramma dishes - Yes, they know exactly what was done.  The one person poohpoohed it and said 'you know how he is' and I replied that it was no excuse.  I have decided to go into ignore mode.  The one person who had cut, then went back started to pressure me and all I said was "I love you, so let's not discuss this and respect each others decisions' and she backed off.

That is perfect!  It's true & it works, so stick with that.

You don't owe anyone any sort of explanation for your decision.

*inviteseller

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Re: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative
« Reply #44 on: June 03, 2013, 04:50:02 PM »
It is only 2 pressuring and one is backing off with just a few murmers, but the other one is just unbelievable in his inability to see the damage, but it could be that it is my brother and the person I cut is his son.  My brother is cut from some relatives and I would not even think to say to them "awwww c'mon" because they have their reasons (pretty good in my opinion), but I think the problem is he can't figure out why he has been cut so he can't figure out why I would do it to his kid.  He is so oblivious to the fact that just because your family doesn't mean everyone should just smile and say "oh you silly!"  I just have been letting all the calls go to VM then deleting the messages.