Author Topic: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not. New prob pg3.  (Read 10015 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #15 on: June 04, 2013, 11:32:55 AM »
A few people in my area have twigged the relationship and made comments about the groom ‘marrying up’ (the worst I know of is ‘she might come to her senses before the wedding’, basically people have a higher opinion of Candy than her fiancé. They both know this.) 

This would really offend me if I were Candy or her groom.  I don't understand while Candy and her groom would tacitly allow such offensive opinions to flourish by giving off the impression Candy is embarrassed of the union.

Based on this, I am not so certain privacy is the motivation.  I suppose it is no one's business what is motivating Candy, and I would agree to her request, but based on what we know from the OP I don't view this relationship with much favor.  There is privacy and then there is denying a relationship exists.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #16 on: June 04, 2013, 12:41:46 PM »
I don't think it's right to decide whether someone's reasons for a request are valid or not.  Candy asked the OP not to share pictures of her and her fiance with other people.  It's a reasonable request and it's not up to the OP to decide whether or not the reasons behind that request are valid. If the OP decides not to honor that request, they need to be prepared for Candy to pull back from the friendship.

Its not fair to Candy and her fiance to make unfounded assumptions about their relationship based on second hand knowledge.

TootsNYC

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #17 on: June 04, 2013, 12:46:05 PM »
I can't imagine why you'd be showing photos of Candy's wedding anyway, but I don't think her request is unreasonable  at all.  She wants to keep her private life private, and that's her business, nobody else's.  It doesn't sound like she's trying to hide her marriage from the company, just from the busy bodies who want to gossip about her.  I don't blame her a bit.

I agree.

And maybe she's a bit unrealistic that this will be successful for very long but I think she's perfectly reasonable to ask this of you, and it's not YOUR PLACE to tell her to "suck it up and take the slagging."

bah12

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #18 on: June 04, 2013, 12:53:45 PM »
I'm a little confused.  If no one at work knows who Candy is marrying, then why would some of them have an impression that he is "marrying up" or that she is better liked than her groom?  I actually don't blame Candy at all for not wanting her coworkers to know anything about her private life.  If they're gossiping about someone that they don't even know they know, I can't imagine what kind of gossip would arise if they did find out.

Anyway, I don't think it's at all unreasonable for her to ask that you not show her wedding pictures to coworkers or post them on Facebook.  And while it might be unrealistic to expect that no one at work would ever find out who she's married to, I don't think it's unreasonable not to want to volunteer the information, or even ask her friends not to add to the gossip mill.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #19 on: June 04, 2013, 01:06:38 PM »
A few people in my area have twigged the relationship and made comments about the groom ‘marrying up’ (the worst I know of is ‘she might come to her senses before the wedding’, basically people have a higher opinion of Candy than her fiancé. They both know this.) 

This would really offend me if I were Candy or her groom.  I don't understand while Candy and her groom would tacitly allow such offensive opinions to flourish by giving off the impression Candy is embarrassed of the union.

Has she heard any of these opinions? I know if it were me, hearing such opinions would push me to keep my cards closer to the vest to try and give them less to talk about.  Though sometimes, there's just no winning with some people.  You talk about it you get gossipped about, don't talk about it, you get gossipped about.  ::)

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Virg

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #20 on: June 04, 2013, 02:01:36 PM »
Alias wrote:

"However my boss asked me directly if they were seeing eachother (in a way that told me he already knew the answer) and I'm not going to lie for her."

This, combined with the other stuff you mentioned, leads me to think she's got a very good reason to try to keep her coworkers out of her private life.  Given your OP description of how everyone involved in this is positioned, your boss asking you if Candy and the groom are seeing each other was highly inappropriate and rather than thinking about lying for her or coming clean, you should have told him that he was crossing the line and if he had any questions about the groom's relationships he should be talking to the groom and not involving you.  This is made even more unprofessional because he's your boss so it's easy to see where you may feel coerced into discussing Candy's and groom's private affairs rather than telling him to butt out.  It sounds like the gossip mill in your workplace is out of hand, and Candy's request becomes all the more reasonable because of that.

Virg

bopper

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #21 on: June 04, 2013, 02:16:51 PM »
Sure it is reasonable.  It is her info to share.  You just say "I haven't gotten the pictures off my camera yet."  or "They didn't really come out well" or "Here is a nice one of Candy in her dress, but that is all I have with me."

Alias

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #22 on: June 04, 2013, 02:27:40 PM »
I didn't include my reply to Candy in the original post, but it was along the lines of 'I really don't expect to be asked for pictures, so that won't be a problem.  I also don't post other people's weddings on facebook, that's your job!'  I never had any intentions of bringing photos to work or posting them on the internet, that's not my place and I know it.

Yes, it is a gossipy office.  It's the whole organisation, and there's nothing really to be done about it.  I unfortunately opened my boss up to the question in a way - he asked me what I thought of the groom. I told him I'd known him personally before I worked with him (true, I hadn't met him before they started dating, we were in different buildings), so I couldn't really answer that.  He then cornered me - it's because he's dating Candy, isn't it?  He knows Candy and I were in school together.  He was also apparently at the same event they got together at, so he'd known all along. It's a disaster trying to keep anything in our place secret.

As for the comments to Candy and the groom, they have been made directly to the groom.  Candy says he's different outside of work, and she wishes  he'd put more effort into his job.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #23 on: June 04, 2013, 02:31:23 PM »
That sounds like a horrible place to work.  I'm sorry anyone has to put up with that

bah12

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #24 on: June 04, 2013, 02:38:13 PM »
I didn't include my reply to Candy in the original post, but it was along the lines of 'I really don't expect to be asked for pictures, so that won't be a problem.  I also don't post other people's weddings on facebook, that's your job!'  I never had any intentions of bringing photos to work or posting them on the internet, that's not my place and I know it.

Yes, it is a gossipy office.  It's the whole organisation, and there's nothing really to be done about it.  I unfortunately opened my boss up to the question in a way - he asked me what I thought of the groom. I told him I'd known him personally before I worked with him (true, I hadn't met him before they started dating, we were in different buildings), so I couldn't really answer that.  He then cornered me - it's because he's dating Candy, isn't it?  He knows Candy and I were in school together.  He was also apparently at the same event they got together at, so he'd known all along. It's a disaster trying to keep anything in our place secret.

As for the comments to Candy and the groom, they have been made directly to the groom.  Candy says he's different outside of work, and she wishes  he'd put more effort into his job.

I'm still lost...people at work may think they know who Candy is marrying but don't really.  So, they are gossiping about it.  And they are making comments to the actual groom?  Do they know he's the groom?  Are people aware that he's also getting married or just talking about Candy?

It sounds to me that people must either already know who she's marrying and are being incredibly rude for outwardly telling him that he's beneath her or they don't know who she's marrying and are being incredibly rude by making negative comments about someone they don't even know.
Add to that the fact that your boss outwardly asks you about the private lives of your coworkers, and I don't blame Candy for her position one bit. 
And what a horrible position for both Candy and her groom to be in.  They have to work extra hard to keep work busy bodies out of their private lives. 

Alias

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #25 on: June 04, 2013, 03:01:18 PM »
I'm still lost...people at work may think they know who Candy is marrying but don't really.  So, they are gossiping about it.  And they are making comments to the actual groom?  Do they know he's the groom?  Are people aware that he's also getting married or just talking about Candy?

It sounds to me that people must either already know who she's marrying and are being incredibly rude for outwardly telling him that he's beneath her or they don't know who she's marrying and are being incredibly rude by making negative comments about someone they don't even know.
Add to that the fact that your boss outwardly asks you about the private lives of your coworkers, and I don't blame Candy for her position one bit. 
And what a horrible position for both Candy and her groom to be in.  They have to work extra hard to keep work busy bodies out of their private lives.

My department know he's marrying Candy. Her department doesn't (too my knowledge anyway) The comment was made 'in jest' but both were hurt by it.

WillyNilly

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #26 on: June 04, 2013, 03:48:25 PM »
Yt could be that they don't want the photos out there, the wedding publicized, etc because they feel badly they can't invite more work friends, or they don't want a work "shower". Or maybe one of them previously dated someone else in the company and things ended badly. There are a billion reasons to keep something low-key that aren't abut shame or hiding or secrets.
My department know he's marrying Candy. Her department doesn't (too my knowledge anyway) The comment was made 'in jest' but both were hurt by it.
One reason might be so she doesn't have to hear such comments in her own dept. Bad enough he hears them in his.

As for it not occurring to the OP to post pictures of the wedding, as we have seen from other threads, that is hardly a universal mindset. there are hundreds - literally hundreds - of photos from my wedding on Facebook (my dad walking me up the aisle, the ceremony, first dance, cake cutting, etc) and not one single one of them was posted by myself or my DH. Most were posted within 36 hours of the wedding. I didn't mind one bit, and I have to say I probably see some random friend of a friend's wedding shots in my newsfeed at least once a month because my friend's post them.

Posting photos from a wedding one attends, in my experience, is much much MUCH more commonplace then refraining from posting pictures one attends. So her asking was her simply taking reality into account. Sure the OP might be part of that 2 out of 10 people who doesn't do this as a matter of course, but its better for the bride to assume everyone is part of the 8 out of 10 people who do.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2013, 03:55:03 PM by WillyNilly »

TootsNYC

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #27 on: June 04, 2013, 04:28:45 PM »
I can imagine that if I worked in an atmosphere like that, I might not want my coworkers to know too much anyway, just so they don't "smudge" my shiny new husband by "getting their fingerprints" all over the idea with their gossip.

jpcher

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #28 on: June 04, 2013, 06:45:33 PM »
Alias wrote:

"However my boss asked me directly if they were seeing eachother (in a way that told me he already knew the answer) and I'm not going to lie for her."

This, combined with the other stuff you mentioned, leads me to think she's got a very good reason to try to keep her coworkers out of her private life.  Given your OP description of how everyone involved in this is positioned, your boss asking you if Candy and the groom are seeing each other was highly inappropriate and rather than thinking about lying for her or coming clean, you should have told him that he was crossing the line and if he had any questions about the groom's relationships he should be talking to the groom and not involving you.  This is made even more unprofessional because he's your boss so it's easy to see where you may feel coerced into discussing Candy's and groom's private affairs rather than telling him to butt out.  It sounds like the gossip mill in your workplace is out of hand, and Candy's request becomes all the more reasonable because of that.

Virg

I have to POD Virg's entire post. Especially the bold.

In the future, whenever anybody asks you about Candy's relationship (or anybody's personal lives for that matter) I suggest that you respond "Please talk to Candy directly. I'm staying out of the gossip mill."

Or as Sgt. Shultz says "I know nutink!" and bean dip.

For Candy and her HTB's sake, please remember and practice those words. Because it sounds like people will ask you about the wedding and probably beg for pictures. "Oh. You were there! Give me the scoop!"



Unless, of course, you really don't care about loosing Candy's friendship and trust.



I think that her request was perfectly reasonable and should be honored.

Alias

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Re: Keeping work and home seperate when they're not.
« Reply #29 on: June 05, 2013, 04:27:12 AM »
As for it not occurring to the OP to post pictures of the wedding, as we have seen from other threads, that is hardly a universal mindset. there are hundreds - literally hundreds - of photos from my wedding on Facebook (my dad walking me up the aisle, the ceremony, first dance, cake cutting, etc) and not one single one of them was posted by myself or my DH. Most were posted within 36 hours of the wedding. I didn't mind one bit, and I have to say I probably see some random friend of a friend's wedding shots in my newsfeed at least once a month because my friend's post them.

Posting photos from a wedding one attends, in my experience, is much much MUCH more commonplace then refraining from posting pictures one attends. So her asking was her simply taking reality into account. Sure the OP might be part of that 2 out of 10 people who doesn't do this as a matter of course, but its better for the bride to assume everyone is part of the 8 out of 10 people who do.

Thanks for this!  I was just a wee bit taken aback that she thought she needed to tell me not to put photos on facebook... I said I don't post photos of other peoples weddings, and I meant it (I even went back and checked, and I haven't put any wedding pics other than my own up there) but it didn't occur to me that she wouldn't have noticed that.  You're right, a lot of people do.  I just don't agree with putting photos from other people's big events on my page.  My page is about me, my life and family, not other people!

I don't expect to be pressed about the wedding... I don't think any of them here have even realised that it's so soon or that I'm going.  Some people seem to think it's a terrible place to work but it's really not, this is just an isolated incident.  The culture here (we're not in the US) is very relaxed and slagging is the norm (culturally, not just this office).  I think some here who aren't used to that are taking it as more than it is. 

I won't go against her wishes, it's important to her and doesn't really matter to me so why would I? I've also gone along with it until now.   If anyone asks about it I will say it was lovely (I'm sure it will be) and no I haven't got any photos with me, sorry.  That will be the end of it I'm sure.