Author Topic: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up Question pg 5  (Read 12779 times)

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Reader

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BG- Over a year and half ago while attending a 80's night at a bar I began a friendship with an older man (OM), 20 years my senior and I'm 35, who had a girlfriend at the time.  Whenever we would both attend we would save seats for the other, watch drinks, etc. I classified him as a bar buddy, someone I saw only at the bar, did not have his phone number or he mine, and did not hang out with outside of the bar.  At one point he and his girlfriend broke up, so it happened that we were both single at the same time.   At this time we at become friends on Facebook, but still had not exchanged phone numbers.  We used to trade dating horror stories, and our friendship continued as usual until around last Valetine's day.   About a week or so before the holiday I had brought a date to the 80's night.  And then right before the holiday I had posted about a craving for chocolate cupcakes from a bakery in town I drive by but didn't have time to stop in that day.  This is when all heck starts to break loose.  OM posted up on my wall that he would have paid a person to go get the cupcakes for me and had them personally delivered to my office, which made me uncomfortable, so I told him so in a message.  That elicited a response that basically let me know that he was interested in dating me.  I was honest with him in my reply that I was not interested in anything more than friendship with him.  He seemed to accept that and we seemed to go back to our old friendship.  Fast forward 5 months, and I am dating a new guy and take him to 80's night.  I introduce him to OM and everything seems fine.  That is until I sign into Facebook the next day.  My entire wall was filled with nothing but his multiple posts ranging from the, how I did him wrong, what a bad person I am, how his mother warned him to dump me and he was glad he took her advice, etc, etc, plus very long not nice private messages.  Basically the whole time I was friends with him, he thought we were dating  :o The posting and messages were enough with that it set off red flags and made me question our friendship.  End result was I unfriended him, and then when he created a secondary account with a new name to send me more private messages to tell me how bad of a person I was, that resulting in me not only blocking both his pages, but employing my first ever direct cut. End BG - virtual cookies if you could follow that.

Current day - I still attend 80's night, and so does OM.  We have mutual friends in common, but I have acted like he does not exist.  I do not speak to him, or about him to mutual friends.  I did share the same table as him for a friend's birthday party recently, and since then he has tried to approach me to become friends again.  He caught me off guard last time when I was outside smoking a cigarette, and checking my phone for messages.  Had I realized he had approached me, I would have been more prepared for when he asked me if I wanted to bury the hatchet.  Luckily I was saved by a phone call and he wandered back inside and I was able to avoid him.

My question is what is a good short response to him.  I need to practice not JADEing, and need something to shut him down, so he will not continue to seek my friendship. 
 
« Last Edit: June 19, 2013, 03:37:49 PM by Reader »

MrTango

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2013, 01:37:11 PM »
Say nothing.  Just walk away.

cwm

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2013, 01:41:02 PM »
Had I realized he had approached me, I would have been more prepared for when he asked me if I wanted to bury the hatchet.

Wait, he went crazy on you, made a second FB account to keep attacking you, and now he's asking if YOU want to bury the hatchet? Evil Cwm would mention how upset he was last time I had said I only wanted to be friends, and his mom did warn him about me, has he stopped listening to her? Then again, Evil Cwm has to be locked in a box most of the time, she's not so well-behaved as I'd like.

Say nothing.  Just walk away.

This. Anything you could say would be an invitation to conversation, and seeing as how he's known to already make interesting assumptions about any percieved friendship from your end, it's NOT something worth even responding to. If he talks to you, give him a blank stare and then walk away.

JeseC

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2013, 02:10:02 PM »
If you must say something, keep it as short as possible.  I might not walk off without saying anything, but I'd keep it to a simple "not interested, please leave me alone."  If he persists, "I SAID 'leave me alone'!"  Mainly for me because I've found a short sentence cuts down on the number of other people who want to help out...

DavidH

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2013, 02:21:41 PM »
It sounds like he is not likely to get the clue, so next time he tries to engage you in conversation say, "I have no interest in talking to you now or in the future" and then just walk away.

m2kbug

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2013, 02:24:15 PM »
This dude sounds a little off his rocker.  I think I would just say, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested," and walk away.  I can't really think of any good words to use, but just keep it short and to the point.  "You know what happened and I just can't do that."  "Leave me alone."  I think the most important thing is to be clear and firm.  You have managed to keep yourself separated, and outside of not going to 80s night anymore, continue what you're doing.  Try not to be alone.  If you want to go outside, see if someone would like to join you or grab a smoke when someone else goes out.  I would hate to start anything that may come across as gossip or bashing of anyone's character, but if this guy starts to become more persistent, you might be better off filling in a couple of your friends what's going on with OM so they can help watch out for you.  I hate to leap right into the danger zone, but this seems like a creepy enough situation, I think you need to keep this in mind. 

Seraphia

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2013, 02:40:20 PM »
Had I realized he had approached me, I would have been more prepared for when he asked me if I wanted to bury the hatchet.

Wait, he went crazy on you, made a second FB account to keep attacking you, and now he's asking if YOU want to bury the hatchet? Evil Cwm would mention how upset he was last time I had said I only wanted to be friends, and his mom did warn him about me, has he stopped listening to her? Then again, Evil Cwm has to be locked in a box most of the time, she's not so well-behaved as I'd like.

Say nothing.  Just walk away.

This. Anything you could say would be an invitation to conversation, and seeing as how he's known to already make interesting assumptions about any percieved friendship from your end, it's NOT something worth even responding to. If he talks to you, give him a blank stare and then walk away.

I'm with you, cwm, I think the best thing to do is continue to pretend he doesn't exist. If he can willfully mispercieve "I am not interested in anything besides friendship" as "We are now BF/GF," he's not going to hear "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" correctly either. There is no "nice" thing that you can say and not run the risk of his seizing on it as proof of your renewed affections.
Ancora Imparo - I am still learning

JeseC

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2013, 02:49:03 PM »
If you must say something, keep it as short as possible.  I might not walk off without saying anything, but I'd keep it to a simple "not interested, please leave me alone."  If he persists, "I SAID 'leave me alone'!"  Mainly for me because I've found a short sentence cuts down on the number of other people who want to help out...

Actually, now that I think about it - if it comes to saying the second one, I would make a fuss.  It's worth a very loud "I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE" at this point.  Something that makes it clear that (1) you do not want to engage with him, and (2) he is insisting on trying to bother you anyway.  It seems like it would be in your interest to have attention drawn to his behavior, if he persists.

ladyknight1

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #8 on: June 05, 2013, 02:59:57 PM »
Ignore him.

Possum

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #9 on: June 05, 2013, 03:14:01 PM »
Don't reconnect.  Life is too short to put up with that brand of crazy.  Not only that, if you "reconcile" with him, he may take that as a forgiveness of his behavior, and thus see his behavior as something he can repeat again--on you or someone else.

You're already done with him, stay done with him.  Nothing good can come of a reconciliation.

JeanFromBNA

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2013, 03:24:31 PM »
I'm with you, cwm, I think the best thing to do is continue to pretend he doesn't exist. If he can willfully mispercieve "I am not interested in anything besides friendship" as "We are now BF/GF," he's not going to hear "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" correctly either. There is no "nice" thing that you can say and not run the risk of his seizing on it as proof of your renewed affections.

I particularly agree with this.  All you need say is "No.  That's not possible."  Repeat as necessary without JADEing.

Reader

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #11 on: June 05, 2013, 04:26:08 PM »
Thanks for all the suggestions!

I'm making a list in case I have to use these repeatedly, because he did give me the feeling that since I sat at the same table for our friend's party, even though I ignored him, that meant I was willing to reconcile.  And I don't want to enage the crazy as said on the boards, and have a repeat of said behavior.

As for safety, I'm quite friendly with one of the bartenders, and the doorman, plus I'm personal friends with the bouncer (as in I see him socially outside of the club), so if he were to cross that line I have 3 men for back up. 

If I do run into him again I'll make sure to post an update on how it goes.


*inviteseller

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #12 on: June 05, 2013, 05:52:01 PM »
He is 55 and his mom told him to break off his fake relationship???  Run as fast as you can.  I know you like going to these nights, but I would skip some because obviously, Mr. Smooth can't 'get over you' if you keep interacting (if only in his mind!).  If he does speak with you, just walk away.  I would also make sure someone walks you to your car at the end of your evening...this guy has more than a few screws loos!

gemma156

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #13 on: June 05, 2013, 05:55:04 PM »
It's sounding like that he's having trouble understanding what relationships are.  Some guys are like that, when he approaches calmly tell him as he is having trouble understanding what casual friendships are, that you are not interested in renewing your casual friendship as he builds it into something its not.  That you are uncomfortable around him now, for him to move away and to not approach you again. 

Aquamarine

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #14 on: June 05, 2013, 06:09:25 PM »
Ignore, ignore, ignore!  IF you respond you are only teaching him that he has to hassle you that minimum amount to get you to respond.  He sounds crazy and the fact that he wants to make up should be meaningless to you.  If you don't want to make up then you ignore, you don't respond because doing so will set a precedent that will come back to bite you.

If you ignore him it will also make it more difficult more him to create his fantasy relationship with you.  If you are talking to him, well hey, in his mind that's a start, right? 

If you ever have a face to face run in with him decide in advance what one phrase you want to use and then only use that same identical phrase every time it happens.  This will make it seem in his eyes less of a "conversation".  Say your words and then walk off.  Every. Time.

This whole things will be much easier if you practice, plan and visualize what you will say and do in advance.
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