Author Topic: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up Question pg 5  (Read 12238 times)

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Nemesis

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #15 on: June 05, 2013, 06:29:50 PM »
Ignore, ignore, ignore! IF you respond you are only teaching him that he has to hassle you that minimum amount to get you to respond. He sounds crazy and the fact that he wants to make up should be meaningless to you.  If you don't want to make up then you ignore, you don't respond because doing so will set a precedent that will come back to bite you.

If you ignore him it will also make it more difficult more him to create his fantasy relationship with you.  If you are talking to him, well hey, in his mind that's a start, right? 

If you ever have a face to face run in with him decide in advance what one phrase you want to use and then only use that same identical phrase every time it happens.  This will make it seem in his eyes less of a "conversation".  Say your words and then walk off.  Every. Time.

This whole things will be much easier if you practice, plan and visualize what you will say and do in advance.

I cannot stress the bolded enough. If he calls 100 times and you ignore the first 99, but answer the 100th to tell him to get lost, he learns that he needs to call you 100 times for a response. Once he receives a response, the attentions he gives you will increase. Do NOT go there.

You are doing the right thing. Continue ignoring his existence.

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #16 on: June 05, 2013, 10:13:19 PM »
In general, I don't mend fences unless the person offers an apology that demonstrates they understand what they did was wrong and that they're making changes to ensure it never happens again. 

In this case, however, the guy went so far over the line that I'd never trust him again.  From the OP, it appears that seeing Reader with another man triggers big time craziness and that he doesn't have a clue that his behavior is frighteningly inappropriate.

I agree with previous posters that the only words you should speak to him are "Leave me alone". 

It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #17 on: June 05, 2013, 11:01:27 PM »
Urg. This guy sounds unhinged. I'd tell him once, firmly "I'm not interested. Don't speak to me, or contact me again."

If he persists, you may need to get your bar staff friends to intervene.

TootsNYC

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #18 on: June 05, 2013, 11:10:17 PM »
I can understand, though, why his mom thought he should break up with you. You were obviously not treating him the way a good girlfriend would. You never came around to see the family; you never spoke to him on the phone; etc.

Of course she'd think you were a bad girlfriend!
That's because you WEREN'T one.

LeveeWoman

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #19 on: June 05, 2013, 11:11:43 PM »
It's sounding like that he's having trouble understanding what relationships are. Some guys are like that, when he approaches calmly tell him as he is having trouble understanding what casual friendships are, that you are not interested in renewing your casual friendship as he builds it into something its not.  That you are uncomfortable around him now, for him to move away and to not approach you again.

This is not a situation of "some guys are like that" at all.

This person is unstable.

veronaz

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #20 on: June 05, 2013, 11:21:05 PM »
Quote
If you ignore him it will also make it more difficult more him to create his fantasy relationship with you.  If you are talking to him, well hey, in his mind that's a start, right? 

This.  Don't respond to him at all, ever, in any form.  He's a nutjob.

shhh its me

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #21 on: June 05, 2013, 11:31:36 PM »
  HE was  completely delusional about your "relationship" , you ignore him or pick one short phrase " leave me alone ".  You're saying it so other people hear it .  He may have convinced his mother you were dating  , he might be able to convince you just had a bad break up and they should "help" you get back together.  He  might try to follow you home ect. 

Gyburc

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #22 on: June 06, 2013, 07:08:13 AM »
OM posted up on my wall that he would have paid a person to go get the cupcakes for me and had them personally delivered to my office, which made me uncomfortable, so I told him so in a message.  That elicited a response that basically let me know that he was interested in dating me.  I was honest with him in my reply that I was not interested in anything more than friendship with him.  He seemed to accept that and we seemed to go back to our old friendship.

Given that OM was able to persuade himself that you were dating him after the exchange above, he doesn't seem to have much of a grip on reality, or respect for other people's wishes or feelings. I have to agree with the PPs, this man sounds unstable.

I don't think you owe him anything more than a clear statement: 'I am not interested in being friends with you. I am not interested in dating you. Do not speak to me again. Leave me alone.' As Merry Mrs Martin said, I would also make sure that your acquaintances knew what was going on, so that they don't get the wrong end of the stick.

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Piratelvr1121

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #23 on: June 06, 2013, 07:35:35 AM »
Yikes, he does sound unhinged.  I wouldn't blame the mother too much, she was getting inaccurate info about this "relationship".  I couldn't help but chuckle though and wonder, if the woman was smart enough to see through him and know that the word "relationship" didn't mean what he thought it meant, and told him to "break up with her" because she knew he wouldn't listen if she tried to explain otherwise.

But yes, what the others said and in fact I'd suggest that you not go anywhere alone while at this bar.  If you go out for a smoke, bring someone with you.  Safety in numbers.  Even if the guy never lays a hand on you, OP, it helps to have someone there so he can't say later "I never said that!" 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

bopper

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #24 on: June 06, 2013, 09:26:01 AM »
Is there a manager/bartender/bouncer at the bar you could explain the situation to?  Tell them the story but that you just don't want to interact with the guy.

If he approaches you, then just say "I am not interested in chatting and then get up and "go get another drink" somewhere near a  manager/bartender/bouncer.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #25 on: June 06, 2013, 10:08:20 AM »
I am also a bog fan of body language.

If you see him approaching, turn your gaze away, hold up your hand (classic Policeman Stop gesture), and then say, "Leave me alone."

If he persists, walk away.
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy

veronaz

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #26 on: June 06, 2013, 10:24:12 AM »
Quote
But yes, what the others said and in fact I'd suggest that you not go anywhere alone while at this bar.  If you go out for a smoke, bring someone with you.  Safety in numbers.  Even if the guy never lays a hand on you, OP, it helps to have someone there so he can't say later "I never said that!" 

Good idea.

I’m not a fan of altering behavior just because of some idiot, but in this case I would say “Leave me alone” once, and only once.  Make sure someone else hears you.

To make a very long story short, I had a similar problem and there came a point when I was asked if I told the man to “leave me alone”.  I had, and it’s important to do that – firmly and only once.  He might ask “Why?  What do you mean?  What’s your problem? Have I offended you?” etc.  ::) Don’t respond.  Don’t answer any questions or engage in dialogue.   

Marguette

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #27 on: June 06, 2013, 10:39:05 AM »
I do think you need to say once to leave you alone and that you were never his girlfriend, otherwise to him you will always be the ex-girlfriend that is cutting him off for reasons unknown.

TurtleDove

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #28 on: June 06, 2013, 10:46:54 AM »
I do think you need to say once to leave you alone and that you were never his girlfriend, otherwise to him you will always be the ex-girlfriend that is cutting him off for reasons unknown.
This.  I have dealt with several situations that ring similarly to this.  In my experience, ignoring did NOT make the person stop, it made them redouble their efforts in an attempt to get an explanation for WHY I didn't want to talk to them.  In my experience, being very direct and honest about why and THEN ignoring worked.

It seems like the OP has sortof already done the honest and direct thing, but it might make sense to be very clear with him, one more time, and THEN ignore forever.

Nemesis

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #29 on: June 06, 2013, 10:48:40 AM »
To be honest, I completely disagree with telling him ONCE anything at all. He sounds ouke a potential stalker. Who in the world creates fantasy relationships and leaves a dozen unhinged messages? That's right, someone who has stalker tendencies.

Do not engage. Any sentence, any reaction or any response that acknowledges him will start him on a fantasy that your 'relationship' is improving. Even sitting at the same table as him has led him to believe that the relationship has improved. It does not matter what you say. The fact that you now acknowledge his existence when you did not before is an upgrade and it will be taken as encouragement. Do not treat him as a normal person i.e. tell him no. A normal person will not have behaved the way he did. He is not normal.

Just ignore him. If any of your mutual friends ask why, just explain to them that he did a 'crazy' on you. Walk away from him, do not make eye contact and never ever respond to anything he says.