Author Topic: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up Question pg 5  (Read 10855 times)

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veronaz

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #30 on: June 06, 2013, 11:03:06 AM »
To be honest, I completely disagree with telling him ONCE anything at all. He sounds ouke a potential stalker. Who in the world creates fantasy relationships and leaves a dozen unhinged messages? That's right, someone who has stalker tendencies.

Do not engage. Any sentence, any reaction or any response that acknowledges him will start him on a fantasy that your 'relationship' is improving. Even sitting at the same table as him has led him to believe that the relationship has improved. It does not matter what you say. The fact that you now acknowledge his existence when you did not before is an upgrade and it will be taken as encouragement. Do not treat him as a normal person i.e. tell him no. A normal person will not have behaved the way he did. He is not normal.

Just ignore him. If any of your mutual friends ask why, just explain to them that he did a 'crazy' on you. Walk away from him, do not make eye contact and never ever respond to anything he says.

Nemesis, I hear what you’re saying.  But if this gets to the police report/stalking/prosecution stage I guarantee OP will be asked if she told him to stop, leave her alone, that she wasn’t interested. Otherwise he can turn it into a “lover’s quarrel, playing hard to get” sort of thing.

I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, and OP, I hope it never gets to that stage, but I do think you need to tell him once to leave you alone – nothing else.  I do not think you should tell him ‘why’ – he knows why and that’s just an attempt to get a dialogue going.

TurtleDove

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #31 on: June 06, 2013, 11:14:32 AM »
But if this gets to the police report/stalking/prosecution stage I guarantee OP will be asked if she told him to stop, leave her alone, that she wasn’t interested. Otherwise he can turn it into a “lover’s quarrel, playing hard to get” sort of thing.

Bingo. Should this escalate, the first step is asking him to stop.  If he has never been asked to stop, he is doing nothing "wrong."

JeseC

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #32 on: June 06, 2013, 11:23:56 AM »
To be honest, I completely disagree with telling him ONCE anything at all. He sounds ouke a potential stalker. Who in the world creates fantasy relationships and leaves a dozen unhinged messages? That's right, someone who has stalker tendencies.

Do not engage. Any sentence, any reaction or any response that acknowledges him will start him on a fantasy that your 'relationship' is improving. Even sitting at the same table as him has led him to believe that the relationship has improved. It does not matter what you say. The fact that you now acknowledge his existence when you did not before is an upgrade and it will be taken as encouragement. Do not treat him as a normal person i.e. tell him no. A normal person will not have behaved the way he did. He is not normal.

Just ignore him. If any of your mutual friends ask why, just explain to them that he did a 'crazy' on you. Walk away from him, do not make eye contact and never ever respond to anything he says.

Nemesis, I hear what you’re saying.  But if this gets to the police report/stalking/prosecution stage I guarantee OP will be asked if she told him to stop, leave her alone, that she wasn’t interested. Otherwise he can turn it into a “lover’s quarrel, playing hard to get” sort of thing.

I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, and OP, I hope it never gets to that stage, but I do think you need to tell him once to leave you alone – nothing else.  I do not think you should tell him ‘why’ – he knows why and that’s just an attempt to get a dialogue going.

Even short of that, there's a fair chance he'll try to get others involved if the OP doesn't respond in the way he wants.  A good loud "Leave me alone" has the effect of alerting others in the vicinity that he has been told to stop.  You can also alert the bar staff that you have a man who will not leave you alone after being told to.

TootsNYC

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #33 on: June 06, 2013, 11:37:39 AM »
Because so often the onlookers don't understand "the crazy"--they didn't experience it, they can't fathom it--there's a risk that the OP will end up receiving pressure from other people to "stop being so rude."

I'd go for saying, "Look, I do not want to talk to you or be friends with you. I can't stop you coming to the bar, and I don't intend to harass you in any way. But I do NOT want to have any sort of relationship with you. I have made this clear to you before. Leave me alone. Do not YOU harass ME."

That sounds a bit less curt to anyone who might hear her. But it's still pretty damned emphatic, and there is no JADE-ing.

TurtleDove

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #34 on: June 06, 2013, 11:45:06 AM »
Because so often the onlookers don't understand "the crazy"--they didn't experience it, they can't fathom it--there's a risk that the OP will end up receiving pressure from other people to "stop being so rude."

I'd go for saying, "Look, I do not want to talk to you or be friends with you. I can't stop you coming to the bar, and I don't intend to harass you in any way. But I do NOT want to have any sort of relationship with you. I have made this clear to you before. Leave me alone. Do not YOU harass ME."

That sounds a bit less curt to anyone who might hear her. But it's still pretty damned emphatic, and there is no JADE-ing.

Perfect. 

JeseC

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #35 on: June 06, 2013, 11:55:26 AM »
Because so often the onlookers don't understand "the crazy"--they didn't experience it, they can't fathom it--there's a risk that the OP will end up receiving pressure from other people to "stop being so rude."

I'd go for saying, "Look, I do not want to talk to you or be friends with you. I can't stop you coming to the bar, and I don't intend to harass you in any way. But I do NOT want to have any sort of relationship with you. I have made this clear to you before. Leave me alone. Do not YOU harass ME."

That sounds a bit less curt to anyone who might hear her. But it's still pretty damned emphatic, and there is no JADE-ing.

Even shorter:

"I already made it clear that I do not want a relationship of any sort with you.  Now leave me alone."

Short, emphatic, makes it clear that you have already been dealing with him and he is not respecting your wishes.

VorFemme

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #36 on: June 06, 2013, 01:16:43 PM »

I'd go for saying, "Look, I do not want to talk to you or be friends with you. I can't stop you coming to the bar, and I don't intend to harass you in any way. But I do NOT want to have any sort of relationship with you. I have made this clear to you before. Leave me alone. Do not YOU harass ME."


"I do NOT want to have any contact with you. Leave me alone."

Keep It Short & Simple
« Last Edit: June 06, 2013, 01:18:54 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

veronaz

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #37 on: June 06, 2013, 02:17:38 PM »

I'd go for saying, "Look, I do not want to talk to you or be friends with you. I can't stop you coming to the bar, and I don't intend to harass you in any way. But I do NOT want to have any sort of relationship with you. I have made this clear to you before. Leave me alone. Do not YOU harass ME."


"I do NOT want to have any contact with you. Leave me alone."

Keep It Short & Simple

"Leave me alone."   
PERIOD.  Nothing else.  Not another word. 

That's all that's needed.  3 simple words.
At this point etiquette and polite explanations should be tossed out the window.

Safety trumps etiquette, hands down.

« Last Edit: June 06, 2013, 02:24:32 PM by veronaz »

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #38 on: June 12, 2013, 12:09:42 PM »
OP here with an update.  Since I last posted I skipped 80's night. I had no contact with OM since the last time I had been there and he approached me prompting my original post. Today when I open up facebook (must have not have fully blocked him, stupid privacy settings) I found Om had sent me the following message:

"I was unaware at the the time. I am sorry and i am apologizing for what I did wrong, back then. at times I acted too close, too serous. I probably made you tense and i eventually felt hurt and took it out the wrong way. I felt like an old man in the way. It was a very bad feeling for me. I went overboard. I met you at the wrong time. I was under the influence of a bad experience and the bad aura "spilled over."

However, I was an influence. Because of me, you became a regular at Billy's, met b, found area to hang with and got to about some good bands. I am te one who convinced you to become a Starfarm "like". You still respond to Starfarm posts. I wish that we can focus on the good and forget the bad. It would make encounters less stressful."

Billy's is the name of the club, B is our mutual friend.  This part is true as he did introduce us.  Starfarm is a band that he did introduce me to as well.  However I was attending 80's night at this club before I met him.  So now I think it's time to put this into effect followed by ignoring.  Even if it means I can't hang with B while OM is around.
Because so often the onlookers don't understand "the crazy"--they didn't experience it, they can't fathom it--there's a risk that the OP will end up receiving pressure from other people to "stop being so rude."

I'd go for saying, "Look, I do not want to talk to you or be friends with you. I can't stop you coming to the bar, and I don't intend to harass you in any way. But I do NOT want to have any sort of relationship with you. I have made this clear to you before. Leave me alone. Do not YOU harass ME."

That sounds a bit less curt to anyone who might hear her. But it's still pretty damned emphatic, and there is no JADE-ing.

So I'll send that response back to him, update my settings on facebook, and continue with the cut direct.  Now all I'll need is responses to tell B when he asks why I'm not sitting with him.

cwm

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OP here with an update.  Since I last posted I skipped 80's night. I had no contact with OM since the last time I had been there and he approached me prompting my original post. Today when I open up facebook (must have not have fully blocked him, stupid privacy settings) I found Om had sent me the following message:

"I was unaware at the the time. I am sorry and i am apologizing for what I did wrong, back then. at times I acted too close, too serous. I probably made you tense and i eventually felt hurt and took it out the wrong way. I felt like an old man in the way. It was a very bad feeling for me. I went overboard. I met you at the wrong time. I was under the influence of a bad experience and the bad aura "spilled over."

However, I was an influence. Because of me, you became a regular at Billy's, met b, found area to hang with and got to about some good bands. I am te one who convinced you to become a Starfarm "like". You still respond to Starfarm posts. I wish that we can focus on the good and forget the bad. It would make encounters less stressful."

Billy's is the name of the club, B is our mutual friend.  This part is true as he did introduce us.  Starfarm is a band that he did introduce me to as well.  However I was attending 80's night at this club before I met him.  So now I think it's time to put this into effect followed by ignoring.  Even if it means I can't hang with B while OM is around.
Because so often the onlookers don't understand "the crazy"--they didn't experience it, they can't fathom it--there's a risk that the OP will end up receiving pressure from other people to "stop being so rude."

I'd go for saying, "Look, I do not want to talk to you or be friends with you. I can't stop you coming to the bar, and I don't intend to harass you in any way. But I do NOT want to have any sort of relationship with you. I have made this clear to you before. Leave me alone. Do not YOU harass ME."

That sounds a bit less curt to anyone who might hear her. But it's still pretty damned emphatic, and there is no JADE-ing.

So I'll send that response back to him, update my settings on facebook, and continue with the cut direct.  Now all I'll need is responses to tell B when he asks why I'm not sitting with him.

Tell B the truth, even if it's slightly modified. Say that you're not comfortable with the dynamic at that table. Make sure he knows it has NOTHING to do with him, and he's more than welcome to join you at another table, but won't be joining him at the regular table. There's no need to go into details about it, but there's no need to hide it either.

LeveeWoman

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #40 on: June 12, 2013, 12:16:18 PM »
OP here with an update.  Since I last posted I skipped 80's night. I had no contact with OM since the last time I had been there and he approached me prompting my original post. Today when I open up facebook (must have not have fully blocked him, stupid privacy settings) I found Om had sent me the following message:

"I was unaware at the the time. I am sorry and i am apologizing for what I did wrong, back then. at times I acted too close, too serous. I probably made you tense and i eventually felt hurt and took it out the wrong way. I felt like an old man in the way. It was a very bad feeling for me. I went overboard. I met you at the wrong time. I was under the influence of a bad experience and the bad aura "spilled over."

However, I was an influence. Because of me, you became a regular at Billy's, met b, found area to hang with and got to about some good bands. I am te one who convinced you to become a Starfarm "like". You still respond to Starfarm posts. I wish that we can focus on the good and forget the bad. It would make encounters less stressful."

Billy's is the name of the club, B is our mutual friend.  This part is true as he did introduce us.  Starfarm is a band that he did introduce me to as well.  However I was attending 80's night at this club before I met him.  So now I think it's time to put this into effect followed by ignoring.  Even if it means I can't hang with B while OM is around.
Because so often the onlookers don't understand "the crazy"--they didn't experience it, they can't fathom it--there's a risk that the OP will end up receiving pressure from other people to "stop being so rude."

I'd go for saying, "Look, I do not want to talk to you or be friends with you. I can't stop you coming to the bar, and I don't intend to harass you in any way. But I do NOT want to have any sort of relationship with you. I have made this clear to you before. Leave me alone. Do not YOU harass ME."

That sounds a bit less curt to anyone who might hear her. But it's still pretty damned emphatic, and there is no JADE-ing.

So I'll send that response back to him, update my settings on facebook, and continue with the cut direct.  Now all I'll need is responses to tell B when he asks why I'm not sitting with him.


Why not just tell him the truth?

veronaz

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Quote
So I'll send that response back to him

OP, this is a bug, HUGE mistake.  I don't understand why you feel you need to respond to this idiot at all.  You're giving him exactly what he wants - attention.  Why?  ???

Yes, you need to check your FB settings and make sure you BLOCK him.

BeagleMommy

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Do not respond to this man.  Check your FB settings and make sure he is completely blocked.

If he approaches you at the bar simply say "leave me alone" in a firm, loud voice.  Make sure others know he is bothering you.

As for B, I vote for telling him the truth:  "B, I know OM is your friend, but I have serious issues with him and he has crossed the line in his behavior toward me.  I would be happy to see you when OM is not around, but I cannot and will not be around him."

LEMon

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The reason to reply is, as several posters have mentioned, so that it is made clear to him that he is to leave her alone.  OP needs to make that clear once (and only once).  Simply ignoring him does not say, "leave me alone" to everyone.  Should it get worse and she has to go to others for help, the first question asked will be, "have you told him to leave you alone?"

TootsNYC

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The reason to reply is, as several posters have mentioned, so that it is made clear to him that he is to leave her alone.  OP needs to make that clear once (and only once).  Simply ignoring him does not say, "leave me alone" to everyone.  Should it get worse and she has to go to others for help, the first question asked will be, "have you told him to leave you alone?"

I also think she might benefit from saying, "Look, I don't want to have conversations with you. I'm going to ignore you. I don't need to be nasty to you or anything--I just don't want to talk to you.
   "So do not speak to me, if we accidentally end up at the same table. *I* won't make any scene unless *you* push the issue. So don't talk to me. Just politely ignore me the way I'm ignoring you."