Author Topic: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up Question pg 5  (Read 12652 times)

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JenJay

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That reads like "Listen, I know I acted like a big, creepy jerk, but I'm pretty much solely responsible for all the fun times you're enjoying now so the least you can do is acknowledge that and be nice to me."

He's still a big, creepy jerk. I'd ignore him.

Pen^2

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That reads like "Listen, I know I acted like a big, creepy jerk, but I'm pretty much solely responsible for all the fun times you're enjoying now so the least you can do is acknowledge that and be nice to me."

He's still a big, creepy jerk. I'd ignore him.

That's how it read to me, also. The second half of it is, "I'm the reason you came to place, I'm the reason you met person, I'm the reason you had fun." The only reason to add these things in is to make it look like a) deep down he's actually a lovely bloke despite acting psycho intermittently, or b) the OP owes him. Both are incorrect; the second is frankly audacious.

The thing with relationships is that when something changes and a person crosses a line, things can't go back to how they were before (which is what he was asking). An example everyone knows well: people almost never stay friends after a break up, and on the rare occasions that they do, it's a different kind of friendship from before. When something changes in a relationship dynamic, things can't just go back to how they were before.

It's good that he seems to have finally clued in to the fact that he was way out of line, but it's far too late, and what he is asking is unreasonable. Also he makes no indication that this won't happen again when another 'bad aura' comes along. It reads nicely until you stop to think about what he's actually saying, and then you realise that it isn't much of an apology. "Sorry I did bad stuff, it was just because I was feeling kind of funky." This doesn't address all the crazy "my mother said you were a bad girlfriend" nonsense; he doesn't mention it at all, actually. And first and foremost, the OP does not feel remotely comfortable with this guy (neither would anyone sane, I fear) who has shown that he has a very possessive, ugly, crazy, stalker side to him.

Either tell him one last time "sod off and I will not contact you again" (better put, of course) or continue to ignore him. Either way, update your Facebook privacy settings if you haven't already. But be aware that responding will send a message that if he writes something that sounds heartfelt (on the surface, anyway) then he knows he can get a response, and will quite probably try harder for a response in the future.

veronaz

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The reason to reply is, as several posters have mentioned, so that it is made clear to him that he is to leave her alone.  OP needs to make that clear once (and only once).  Simply ignoring him does not say, "leave me alone" to everyone.  Should it get worse and she has to go to others for help, the first question asked will be, "have you told him to leave you alone?"

I also think she might benefit from saying, "Look, I don't want to have conversations with you. I'm going to ignore you. I don't need to be nasty to you or anything--I just don't want to talk to you.
   "So do not speak to me, if we accidentally end up at the same table. *I* won't make any scene unless *you* push the issue. So don't talk to me. Just politely ignore me the way I'm ignoring you."

She doesn't have to reply to his recent Facebook note - that is an entirely different matter.  The suggested wording is too lengthy and frankly, the things about "making a scene" and "pushing the button" is ...... a bit much.

Upthread when everyone (including me) was advising OP to tell him to "leave me alone" was if/when he approaches her - in person.  That had nothing to do with a reply to the recent FB message - especially in view of the fact OP said she was blocking him from contacting her on FB.

That reads like "Listen, I know I acted like a big, creepy jerk, but I'm pretty much solely responsible for all the fun times you're enjoying now so the least you can do is acknowledge that and be nice to me."

He's still a big, creepy jerk. I'd ignore him.

This. 

I'd ignore the FB note, make sure to block him, and if he approaches at the club or anyplace else say "Leave me alone" (period) and walk away.
« Last Edit: June 12, 2013, 02:13:57 PM by veronaz »

ellebelle

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My little piece about this...this sounds like something my father would write, a non-apology. He is a champ about writing he's sorry but not actually taking responsibility for anything. My advice....IGNORE him, block him completely, if he comes up to you, walk away.

4 years ago I told my father to have a nice life, but that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He STILL emails me, and I have never responded. I had to actually kick him out of the hospital when he showed up after I had my daughter. The words "you need to leave" repeated over and over are the only words I have spoken to him  in 4 years.  He continues to believe that if he apologizes enough that I will let him back in my life. He has blamed mental illness, his ex wife, money problems, etc all for his past behavior toward me.

If I ever respond to even one of his messages then I will have to start over. Please consider having a conversation with your friend B and explain what is going on. If you feel that you must email this guy back keep it short and sweet, "leave me alone."
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peaches

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I would not respond in any way, shape or form. That just continues the conversation.

Not responding does send a clear message IMO.

veronaz

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These types feel that any attention, even negative attention, is exciting.  They want to keep the dialogue going, even if the other person is telling them to drop dead. 

kckgirl

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Today when I open up facebook (must have not have fully blocked him, stupid privacy settings) I found Om had sent me the following message:

Go to Settings at the top of your Facebook (it looks like a gear). Click on account settings. On the left side, click on blocking. In the Block Users section, type OM's name where it says "add name or email" and click block. He won't be able to contact you after that.
Maryland

Allyson

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In situations like this, there's often a debate between 'send one final message saying 'don't contact me'' and absolutely no contact. I don't think either is a *mistake* necesssarily, but rather it's up to what the person feels most comfortable doing. Personally, I would go for one final message. Yes, it could be to some degree 'what they want', but it would make me feel better and give *me* the sense of closure and 'I've said everything I need to say'. Someone else might feel exactly the opposite. But, I sometimes think people believe that in any harassing-type of situation, no contact at all is the *only* right answer, and I think that's sometimes true but not always!

lorelai

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I'm wondering if a combo approach might work in this case. Since he has shown that he cannot control his communication digitally, I don't think an online response will work. 'Please leave me alone' will probably still elicit a response from him. That said, in person if he approaches you I think one good solid LOUD 'leave me alone' will help. Just once. After this I'd walk away from him every time.

gramma dishes

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OP ~~  YOU thought you had him completely blocked.  Had you actually done so, you would not have received his message.  I'd just pretend you DID have him blocked and that you never saw it.

However, I do think you should tell "B" what happened.  Make sure B knows that if you don't sit at his table it has nothing to do with him.  And also make sure that B realizes that you would never expect him to choose between you and this guy.  He can be friends with both of you.  Just not at the same place at the same time.

JenJay

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OP ~~  YOU thought you had him completely blocked.  Had you actually done so, you would not have received his message.  I'd just pretend you DID have him blocked and that you never saw it.

However, I do think you should tell "B" what happened.  Make sure B knows that if you don't sit at his table it has nothing to do with him.  And also make sure that B realizes that you would never expect him to choose between you and this guy.  He can be friends with both of you.  Just not at the same place at the same time.

Big fat pod.

kckgirl

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OP ~~  YOU thought you had him completely blocked.  Had you actually done so, you would not have received his message.  I'd just pretend you DID have him blocked and that you never saw it.

However, I do think you should tell "B" what happened.  Make sure B knows that if you don't sit at his table it has nothing to do with him.  And also make sure that B realizes that you would never expect him to choose between you and this guy.  He can be friends with both of you.  Just not at the same place at the same time.

I agree with gramma!
Maryland

Library Dragon

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The reason to reply is, as several posters have mentioned, so that it is made clear to him that he is to leave her alone.  OP needs to make that clear once (and only once).  Simply ignoring him does not say, "leave me alone" to everyone.  Should it get worse and she has to go to others for help, the first question asked will be, "have you told him to leave you alone?"

This!

One of my staff was receiving notes from a patron and he would come in and stare at her.  She was told by police that the first thing she had to do was to tell him to leave her alone.  Personal safety is paramount.

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Gyburc

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Re: I did a cut direct, and now the person wants to make up
« Reply #58 on: June 13, 2013, 06:39:20 AM »
Reader, I think you should tell him once and clearly that you are not interested in being his friend or anything else, and that he has to leave you alone. Then ignore.

I don't usually see red flags waving everywhere, but this person really concerns me. He starts off by apologizing - good for him - but then comes out with a whole host of excuses for his behaviour. Then, as the PPs have also noticed, he tells you that all your success in this particular social group is down to him.

Basically his message says 'Sorry you got freaked out but I was in a very bad place and influenced by bad auras and things, and anyway, you owe me for all the support I've given you.' And he is still trying to persuade you to continue some form of rel@tionship with him.

Remember, the last time you tried to make it clear that you were only interested in being his friend, he persuaded himself that you were actually dating him - despite the fact that you explicitly told him you weren't.

I'm standing by my previous judgement; I think this man is unstable, and I think you would be wise to cut him off entirely.
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TootsNYC

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That reads like "Listen, I know I acted like a big, creepy jerk, but I'm pretty much solely responsible for all the fun times you're enjoying now so the least you can do is acknowledge that and be nice to me."

He's still a big, creepy jerk. I'd ignore him.

You know what? I changed my mind. JenJay is right.

But I would explicitly say, "leave me alone" before I blocked him.

And I *would* now go on a pre-emptive campaign with all the OTHER people at the bar that I was at all close to, to say, "Listen, I don't really want to associate w/ this guy--he gets the wrong idea. I've told him specifically to leave me alone. I don't plan to ever make a scene, but I want you to know about this before HE does, so you will understand. I'm not out to get him, you can still be friends with him--I just need him to leave me alone. I don't want to talk to him, etc. I don't plan to make it be awkward. But if HE does, I might need you to back me up."