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Author Topic: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?) update post #22  (Read 14631 times)

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m2kbug

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?)
« Reply #15 on: June 05, 2013, 02:12:35 PM »
I think you should warn your husband well in advance that this may not go smoothly.  If your Dad insists on purchasing something that doesn't inspire confidence in your husband and/or is just plain ugly and your husband looks terrible in it, I think your husband should be prepared to turn it down and if possible just say something to the effect of "Dad, thank you for offering to buy a suit, but the kind you like would simply not be appropriate for my particular needs.  I've really enjoyed spending some "just the guys"time with you today though.   How about we stop somewhere for lunch/dinner/snack/a beer -- my treat!"

Good idea! 

stitchygreyanonymouse

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?)
« Reply #16 on: June 05, 2013, 02:47:27 PM »
The optimist in me wants to think you could try to explain what you told us to your DF. But, I know that logic often fails gifters, especially when they think they know best. I think your best option is to decline. You can soften the blow by saying that DH has his heart set on a specific suit, so you've been budgeting for it, but you appreciate DF's gesture. Otherwise, your DH is going to end up in a suit he won't like, that won't be used, and you'll need to buy one anyway.

My SO’s parents did this to him when he graduated college. They gifted him a suit, but refused to give him any input as to what suit. I expect it was mostly a price thing. The thing is, there's now $200+ of useless, ugly suit hanging in our closet, because it doesn't fit him—even though they did technically tailor it for him, the style would never work for his tall, slender frame. He did wear it to his job interview because he felt he needed to use it since they gave it to him. A few years later, his coworkers admitted that they thought he'd borrowed his dad's suit or something.

I guess it's just a cautionary tale, but both of our families have a habit of getting things for us without our input, and it's causing me, at least, to resent them, because they are spending money that could be better spent on themselves (both always cry poor), and on things that we neither need, nor want. And his, at least, love trying to attach strings as well. Sometimes refusing a gift is best for your relationship.

Roe

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?)
« Reply #17 on: June 05, 2013, 02:51:47 PM »
Just say "no thank you" to the gift. That kind of gift isn't a gift at all.

Exactly.  It's more about a power play than an actual gift.

Amava

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?)
« Reply #18 on: June 05, 2013, 04:03:46 PM »
I think this would be one of these times where "No, thank you" would save everyone a lot of trouble and headache.

Seraphine1

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?)
« Reply #19 on: June 05, 2013, 04:08:42 PM »
I agree that it's a power play.

Will your father ever see this suit once it's purchased? 

My suggestion - other than turning the gift down as it's not really a gift - would be to accept the suit and then return it before any alterations can be made.  If alterations are needed, insist on your using your own tailor (make one up if you don't have one) and say you simply prefer to make your own arrangements rather than depend on the store.  Return it asap and explain the situation to the staff.  If possible, tell the staff in advance of this bizarre situation - they may be able to make a copy of the receipt so that the return is less painful.




RingTailedLemur

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?)
« Reply #20 on: June 05, 2013, 04:32:09 PM »
You won't be able to return it if DF pays on his credit/debit card.

I would just say "no, thank you".

Think of it this way - how much will a suit for your DH cost you, and is that amount of $$$ a price worth paying to avoid all this hassle and get something you actually want?

TootsNYC

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?)
« Reply #21 on: June 05, 2013, 04:36:26 PM »
You won't be able to return it if DF pays on his credit/debit card.

You can *exchange it.*


But I agree with this:
Quote
I would just say "no, thank you".

Think of it this way - how much will a suit for your DH cost you, and is that amount of $$$ a price worth paying to avoid all this hassle and get something you actually want?

And I think I'd say something like, "I never like getting clothes as a gift. It's just awkward, because people's tastes don't match."

kitchcat

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?)
« Reply #22 on: June 05, 2013, 05:04:24 PM »
Just typing this out, I'm wondering if the cost of the suit is exactly what is motivating DF to want to pick it out himself. Say he is willing to spend $200 on a suit. He could be worried that DH will pick out a $600 suit and expect him to pay for it. And maybe that was the issue with your brother as well.

So clarifying the "pay for it or contribute the amount your comfortable with" along with the "DH & I will be picking it out, not you" might solve the issue.

But again, if it doesn't, if DF insists on picking out the suit regardless, then I agree with PPs that you should just turn it down.

With DF, it's really obvious that money is not his concern. The issue is that he believes the type of suit he wants is the "right" kind of suit a man should have and anything else is unacceptable. The "my way or the highway" thing is a constant issue with DF regarding almost everything. Remember Danny Devito in Matilda? "I'm big, you're little. I'm smart, you're dumb. I'm right, you're wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it." I wish I was joking but that is kinda his general attitude.  ::)

Exchanging the suit wouldn't really work because the place my father wants to go does the alterations in-store for no additional cost. You pick out your suit, pay for it, and go straight to the alterations department. I think the store does that because once you have it altered, you can't return/exchange it. So if DH were to say he was not getting the alterations done there/would do it later/etc, DF would know what's up.

I think we're just going to tell DF no thanks. I was thinking something like:
"We appreciate your offer but DH would rather choose a suit himself he likes and feels confident in."
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Please pass the Calgon

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?) update post #22
« Reply #23 on: June 05, 2013, 05:18:02 PM »
Take DF shopping with you. Have DH try on suits and pick one that he likes. If DF tries to power trip with "my way or the highway" then you two take the desired suit up to the counter and buy it yourselves. I've been in this situation before and trust me, this will take the bluster out of DF's sails and make it very clear that he doesn't get to control you.

If you can't afford a suit at this time then a simple "No thanks, that's not quite my style", and being prepared to go home without a suit if DF is especially determined to control you, should work. It works best if you are extra gracious and stick with a "no, it's totally fine that we're going home without a suit. We'll look elsewhere another time and find one that's PERFECT for DH!"

Cami

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?) update post #22
« Reply #24 on: June 05, 2013, 05:37:07 PM »
My MIL was very fond of "gifts" like that. (She once spent 3 years searching for a church that would accept her "gift" -- money to buy a specific custom-designed sculpture by a specific sculptor to be put in a specific place in the church with a large plaque with her name on it on the base of said sculpture. She was incensed that every church refused her "generosity".)

  To cut to the chase: we just would tell her, "Thanks for the thought, but that's not going to work out for us." Lather, rinse, repeat.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2013, 05:39:20 PM by Cami »

Slartibartfast

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?) update post #22
« Reply #25 on: June 05, 2013, 06:03:19 PM »
"Thanks for the offer!  DH has a pretty specific idea of what kind of suit he'd be able to wear in a professional setting, though, and it's not necessarily going to be on the less expensive end.  We'd be happy to split up the cost of whatever he finds based on how much you had intended to spend, though!  It really is a generous gift!"

That way if he wants to control your DH's taste in suits purely to prove he can, he'll have to come out and say it.  And you'll have the perfect opening to say "thanks, but no thanks."

artk2002

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?)
« Reply #26 on: June 05, 2013, 06:03:59 PM »
I know nothing about buying suits. Is this something that you buy off the rack or that has to be customized?

If its off the rack, I think your DH should get whatever suit your DF wants and then just come right back to exchange it.

If its something customized, I POD a previous posters suggestion of declining and say that he would really like to pick out his own suit. Your DF can then say that he wasn't planning on picking out our DH's suit. Or something like that.

Even if you buy off the rack, you almost always have to have it altered which would make returns a problem.
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Lynda_34

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?)
« Reply #27 on: June 06, 2013, 12:23:40 AM »
I know nothing about buying suits. Is this something that you buy off the rack or that has to be customized?

If its off the rack, I think your DH should get whatever suit your DF wants and then just come right back to exchange it.

If its something customized, I POD a previous posters suggestion of declining and say that he would really like to pick out his own suit. Your DF can then say that he wasn't planning on picking out our DH's suit. Or something like that.

I bought suits for the boys/men living with me through Gentlemen's Wearhouse.  They have excellent sales.  I got burned with H&M suits.  They did a bait and switch with suits so I went to Gentlemen's Wearhouse and gave them the business.  I later found out that the Wearhouse owns H&M but they seemed more honest at the time.

TootsNYC

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?) update post #22
« Reply #28 on: June 06, 2013, 07:57:26 AM »
It's sort of insulting to think that your DH is man enough to serve his country, but not man enough to choose his own clothes properly!

I'm always a staunch defender of the idea that the giver completely gets to choose the gift. But even *I* would never do this! (It's a far cry from giving someone all the equipment they need to make their own frosting.)

lowspark

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Re: A gift with strings attached (clothing as a gift?)
« Reply #29 on: June 06, 2013, 07:59:40 AM »
I think we're just going to tell DF no thanks. I was thinking something like:
"We appreciate your offer but DH would rather choose a suit himself he likes and feels confident in."

I like it. Short, simple and to the point.

I hope you'll update us on how it all turns out in the end.  :)
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