General Etiquette > Family and Children

Inviting half of a social "unit," when their "other half" is rude/disrespectful

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cutejellybeen:

--- Quote from: MineralDiva on July 27, 2013, 05:25:35 PM ---
--- Quote from: PastryGoddess on July 27, 2013, 05:10:59 PM ---She just is not welcome to interact with the rest of the family, at what are considered to be family events.

For events that he is hosting, you or the rest of the family have no say in who he invites. 
For events that others are hosting, I agree that him inviting her is stepping over the line of etiquette

--- End quote ---

That is true.  Though given the dramatic history involved with this person, I would hope that he would choose to avoid creating more, by leaving her invitation unwritten.  There is no reason to include her as "family."  She is most decidedly not.  Nor is it fair to the rest of us, to have her forced into our orbit at every turn, when it can clearly and easily be avoided for a pleasant time to be had by all.  Hers can just come at another time, WITHOUT us.  It would be different, if she'd demonstrated that she could be trusted to behave - WE certainly can.  But she can't, she hasn't, and she won't - ever.  So why continue to force the issue and have her there?  I am slowly beginning to understand why there is such a problem with so-called "family events," if he insists on not getting a clue here.  Nobody wants to attend what should be a happy event - and be subjected to THAT.  It's bad enough, when the person is IN the family.  But when they're not?  Oh, E-Hell no!



--- End quote ---

I was with you up until you started in on how his stepmother was not "family". My father and stepmother were married for 18 yrs. My relationship with her didn't just disappear because she and my father divorced.  I would have no problem cutting off blood relatives who told me that she was no longer my family. She was the one who was there for 18 years. Not the other relatives.

If I were throwing a party for a child you can bet that I would be inviting my stepmother.  If that meant other family didnt come, so be it, that's on them. Step Mom may not be in your Family, but it sounds like she still is someone Nephew considers family - you dont get to decide who his family is.

snowdragon:

--- Quote from: cutejellybeen on July 29, 2013, 11:35:42 AM ---
--- Quote from: MineralDiva on July 27, 2013, 05:25:35 PM ---
--- Quote from: PastryGoddess on July 27, 2013, 05:10:59 PM ---She just is not welcome to interact with the rest of the family, at what are considered to be family events.

For events that he is hosting, you or the rest of the family have no say in who he invites. 
For events that others are hosting, I agree that him inviting her is stepping over the line of etiquette

--- End quote ---

That is true.  Though given the dramatic history involved with this person, I would hope that he would choose to avoid creating more, by leaving her invitation unwritten.  There is no reason to include her as "family."  She is most decidedly not.  Nor is it fair to the rest of us, to have her forced into our orbit at every turn, when it can clearly and easily be avoided for a pleasant time to be had by all.  Hers can just come at another time, WITHOUT us.  It would be different, if she'd demonstrated that she could be trusted to behave - WE certainly can.  But she can't, she hasn't, and she won't - ever.  So why continue to force the issue and have her there?  I am slowly beginning to understand why there is such a problem with so-called "family events," if he insists on not getting a clue here.  Nobody wants to attend what should be a happy event - and be subjected to THAT.  It's bad enough, when the person is IN the family.  But when they're not?  Oh, E-Hell no!



--- End quote ---

I was with you up until you started in on how his stepmother was not "family". My father and stepmother were married for 18 yrs. My relationship with her didn't just disappear because she and my father divorced.  I would have no problem cutting off blood relatives who told me that she was no longer my family. She was the one who was there for 18 years. Not the other relatives.

If I were throwing a party for a child you can bet that I would be inviting my stepmother.  If that meant other family didnt come, so be it, that's on them. Step Mom may not be in your Family, but it sounds like she still is someone Nephew considers family - you dont get to decide who his family is.

--- End quote ---

  This. Especially the bolded from Pastry Goddess and cutejellybeen. Nephew should not have lied to folks about his stepmom being invited, but no one gets to decide who he loves as family.

pierrotlunaire0:

--- Quote from: MineralDiva on July 27, 2013, 02:43:50 PM ---I told him he needed to work it out if he can with her.  It was important.  But if they couldn't work it out, remember that wives and girlfriends may come and go, but moms - and daughters/children - are forever.   

To answer the questions about my sister's ex-husband above:  He has done anything and everything he could, to destroy the relationship my sister has or could have with her sons.  There has been soooo much ugliness on his part, for so many years, that if he died tomorrow, I would probably quietly get drunk to celebrate -
--- End quote ---

First of all, your sister has proven that the first paragraph is not true:  Mom will only be forever if he toes the line and turns his back on his GF.

And, even if the Ex did say horrible things about your sister, your sister's actions seem to prove he was right.  There is a lot of vindictiveness on your sister's part: against her Ex, against her Ex's Ex (stepmom), against the son's GF.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her as well.

SlitherHiss:

--- Quote from: snowdragon on July 29, 2013, 01:50:47 PM ---
--- Quote from: cutejellybeen on July 29, 2013, 11:35:42 AM ---
--- Quote from: MineralDiva on July 27, 2013, 05:25:35 PM ---
--- Quote from: PastryGoddess on July 27, 2013, 05:10:59 PM ---She just is not welcome to interact with the rest of the family, at what are considered to be family events.

For events that he is hosting, you or the rest of the family have no say in who he invites. 
For events that others are hosting, I agree that him inviting her is stepping over the line of etiquette

--- End quote ---

That is true.  Though given the dramatic history involved with this person, I would hope that he would choose to avoid creating more, by leaving her invitation unwritten.  There is no reason to include her as "family."  She is most decidedly not.  Nor is it fair to the rest of us, to have her forced into our orbit at every turn, when it can clearly and easily be avoided for a pleasant time to be had by all.  Hers can just come at another time, WITHOUT us.  It would be different, if she'd demonstrated that she could be trusted to behave - WE certainly can.  But she can't, she hasn't, and she won't - ever.  So why continue to force the issue and have her there?  I am slowly beginning to understand why there is such a problem with so-called "family events," if he insists on not getting a clue here.  Nobody wants to attend what should be a happy event - and be subjected to THAT.  It's bad enough, when the person is IN the family.  But when they're not?  Oh, E-Hell no!



--- End quote ---

I was with you up until you started in on how his stepmother was not "family". My father and stepmother were married for 18 yrs. My relationship with her didn't just disappear because she and my father divorced.  I would have no problem cutting off blood relatives who told me that she was no longer my family. She was the one who was there for 18 years. Not the other relatives.

If I were throwing a party for a child you can bet that I would be inviting my stepmother.  If that meant other family didnt come, so be it, that's on them. Step Mom may not be in your Family, but it sounds like she still is someone Nephew considers family - you dont get to decide who his family is.

--- End quote ---

  This. Especially the bolded from Pastry Goddess and cutejellybeen. Nephew should not have lied to folks about his stepmom being invited, but no one gets to decide who he loves as family.

--- End quote ---

This is where I fall, too.

LittleLou:
I think your sister has to acknowledge that this action is essentially cutting off this girl. That's your sister's choice, of course, but very few parents would let their child see someone who had cut off themselves. If I was a parent, I couldn't see ever being comfortable with that.

Unfortunately, your sister can cut off, or snub, this girl but this girl is not an island and it would be foolish to think this won't have an effect on your sister's relationship with her son and gd. It's not fair but it's the way it will work.

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