Author Topic: Inviting half of a social "unit," when their "other half" is rude/disrespectful  (Read 11739 times)

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MineralDiva

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This pertains to my sister's upcoming second wedding - and the half of the couple she has invited, is her eldest son.  The "other half" that is not invited, is his girlfriend/fiancee/mother of my sister's grandchild.  However, I do believe that the situation applies to other areas than weddings.  So I'd like to see how my fellow EHellions feel.  The only thing that makes this "different," is the fact that one of the members of the couple in question, is direct family.

So...what do you do?  My sister would love to have her son there.  His younger brother will be attending (not sure if he's bringing anyone).  Unfortunately, the eldest son's "partner" has been so rude, disrespectful and downright nasty to my sister, that she is unwelcome.  This is not without substantiation.  BUT...

Son has refused to attend his mother's second wedding, without his girlfriend.  "Either she comes too, or I don't - AND you will never see your granddaughter again, until you apologize - and maybe not even then."

I understand both sides of this - especially after being here for as many years as I have.  Should my sister have done her best to ignore the rude girlfriend, so that she could have her eldest son at her special event (even though the girlfriend would make it a point to cause a problem)?  OR...should she just not have invited either of them?

My own daughter did not get an invitation to this shindig, which kind of irked me as well.  However, my sister didn't feel that she would be able to take time away from work, to make the cross-country trip to attend.  She was right, my daughter cannot take the time off on that date - but an invitation would have been nice!  She felt rather snubbed by her aunt - and I wanted to reach through the phone and throttle her aunt too - on behalf of EHellions everywhere. 

In some ways (okay, a lot of'em) this smacks of "It's myyyy dayyyyy."  In some cases, I can understand the thought process.  In others...the mind simply boggles. 

Since I currently don't have to worry about a work schedule, because I am unemployed again at the moment, I will be attending this "event."  It will be the first time in 9 years, that I've been able to go back to visit family - and almost all of them will be in attendance - including our parents, who are still living.  So I'm looking forward to that.  I'm NOT looking forward to any drama with my sister and her eldest son.

 



 

Sharnita

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I think that for somebody who is punishing another for rudeness, your sister is rude herself.  It also seems pretty risky if she wants to see her grandchild again.

Outdoor Girl

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While I fully understand her motivations, I think your sister was wrong.  If this was a girlfriend of a month or two, it would have been fine to invite just her son.  But then, younger son should have been given a single invite, as well, and it sounds like he was given a +1.

But this woman is the mother of her grandchild and is potentially going to marry her son so yes, she should have been invited.  I'm not sure if inviting fDIL now is going to fix this...

Of course, son's little ultimatimum is wrong, as well.
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Cat-Fu

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I think this is a situation where you simply stay out of it.

I'm confused, though, why is event in quotes?
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jmarvellous

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I agree that staying out of it is smart! And they are both being overly dramatic, but your sister, who doesn't have etiquette on her side,  is being far worse. She needs to back off, but not because you tell her to.

nuit93

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I think this is a situation where you simply stay out of it.

I'm confused, though, why is event in quotes?

I was wondering that too...

Shoo

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Your sister needs to be the bigger person and invite her son and his partner.  I have to say, though, that I'd be absolutely heartbroken to know that a child I raised turned out so mean and selfish that he'd threaten to keep my grandchild away from me unless I bent to his will.  That would tear me up.

MineralDiva

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I think this is a situation where you simply stay out of it.

I'm confused, though, why is event in quotes?

Event is in quotes, because the situation does not apply only to weddings. 

peaches

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From an etiquette standpoint, you invite both halves of a couple to a wedding, or neither.

Inviting one-half of a couple, besides being inconsiderate, tends to backfire (as your sister is finding out).

I do agree with Cat-Fu that this isn't your problem to worry about (thankfully!).

MrTango

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Depending on what specifically your nephew's SO has done to your sister (it'd have to be pretty severe), I think she is within her rights to invite her son only and not his SO.

Your sister, however, has to live with the consequences of making that decision (including losing contact with her son and her grandchild, if that is the consequence her son and SO choose).

Pesonally, I'd stay as far away from this drama as physically possible.  If my sister were acting this way, I'd stay so far away that I'd probably decline the invite altogether.

MineralDiva

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I agree that staying out of it is smart! And they are both being overly dramatic, but your sister, who doesn't have etiquette on her side,  is being far worse. She needs to back off, but not because you tell her to.

Oh yes.  I'm definitely staying out of it. 

MineralDiva

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Depending on what specifically your nephew's SO has done to your sister (it'd have to be pretty severe), I think she is within her rights to invite her son only and not his SO.

Your sister, however, has to live with the consequences of making that decision (including losing contact with her son and her grandchild, if that is the consequence her son and SO choose).

Pesonally, I'd stay as far away from this drama as physically possible.  If my sister were acting this way, I'd stay so far away that I'd probably decline the invite altogether.

If it weren't for the fact that I will get to spend some quality time with my parents and other siblings (and their families), while I'm there - and I haven't been able to do that for many years - I would have indeed declined the invitation.  There will be other times with siblings.  But my parents are getting older.  There aren't many more of those times left to enjoy.  I'm making the effort for them.

NyaChan

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Your sister needs to be the bigger person and invite her son and his partner.  I have to say, though, that I'd be absolutely heartbroken to know that a child I raised turned out so mean and selfish that he'd threaten to keep my grandchild away from me unless I bent to his will.  That would tear me up.

In this case, I don't see it as you must bend to my will.  I see it as, this is my partner in life, my family and you don't get to disrespect her and then still see our child.  I would be uncomfortable having my kid (hypothetical kid, I don't have any) around someone who treated my SO this way.  The woman may have treated the Mom badly, but I doubt the son sees it that way.

Shoo

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Your sister needs to be the bigger person and invite her son and his partner.  I have to say, though, that I'd be absolutely heartbroken to know that a child I raised turned out so mean and selfish that he'd threaten to keep my grandchild away from me unless I bent to his will.  That would tear me up.

In this case, I don't see it as you must bend to my will.  I see it as, this is my partner in life, my family and you don't get to disrespect her and then still see our child.  I would be uncomfortable having my kid (hypothetical kid, I don't have any) around someone who treated my SO this way.  The woman may have treated the Mom badly, but I doubt the son sees it that way.

True, yes, but we don't know exactly how nasty (or what kind of nasty) the son's partner has been/is to the OP's sister.  I would still find it heartbreaking if my son held seeing my grandchild over my head just because I refused to be abused by his partner.  That seems so unfair.  I guess I'd be upset that my son turned out to be someone who allowed his partner to treat me that way.

*inviteseller

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I am going against the grain here and say that she is within her rights not to have someone at her wedding that is rude, nasty and abusive towards her, especially if there is the worry this person may cause problems.  It is not rude to not want your day ruined by someone who does not like you or treat you well.  In the case, she should not have invited her son though because it is rude to invite half of a socially recognized couple.  And if the son wants to get bent and play the grandchild card (wtg dad) so be it...his partner doesn't have to like his mom, but if she treats her like dirt and he allows it then he has his own problems.  I would never be involved with anyone who was disrespectful to my family.  I don't care if you like them, just keep your feelings in check.  I don't see where OP's sister is rude, or why she should suck it up to see her grandchild.  I have no time for people who use children as pawns in family power plays.  It is a horrible thing to do to a child.  Unless a family member is toxic and can't be trusted, there is no earthly reason to dangle them in front of a person and say "you want to see the child?  Then you will do what we say."  As far as your sister not inviting your DD...that one is a gray area to me.  She knew she wouldn't be able to make the trip due to her schedule, wasn't rude about it, and because of knowing she didn't send an invite looking like she was fishing for anything.  It would have been nice for her to send one as a token, but she probably didn't want it to be seen as a gift grab or to make your DD feel she needed to be there.