Author Topic: Inviting half of a social "unit," when their "other half" is rude/disrespectful  (Read 12933 times)

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Sharnita

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TurtleDOve I think we probably do agree.  I think it would probably make the grandchild uncomfortable, to say the least, to be around somebody who felt that way about her mom so I don't see it as using her.  With tensions running so high I wouldn't put her in the middle of all of that until/unless things are resolved between the "adults".  It isn't really about what percent of the blame goes to whom.  It is about keeping her out of the fray.

TurtleDove

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When the hour grew later than she would have been at work, son had to tell his mother that GF was at the neighbor's watching to see when they left, because she didn't want to have anything to do with them.  That's a bit much.

I think for me, based on what you've told us about your sister, it doesn't ring true that the GF would just out of no where have such a strong reaction to your sister.  It seems to make more sense that your sister has shown herself to be unstable and unpleasant and that is why the GF has chosen to minimize contact.  By not inviting GF, your sister didn't give GF any reason to change her negative view of your sister, and gave her significant reason to reinforce it.

MineralDiva

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When the hour grew later than she would have been at work, son had to tell his mother that GF was at the neighbor's watching to see when they left, because she didn't want to have anything to do with them.  That's a bit much.

I think for me, based on what you've told us about your sister, it doesn't ring true that the GF would just out of no where have such a strong reaction to your sister.  It seems to make more sense that your sister has shown herself to be unstable and unpleasant and that is why the GF has chosen to minimize contact.  By not inviting GF, your sister didn't give GF any reason to change her negative view of your sister, and gave her significant reason to reinforce it.

I'm finding myself in agreement with you.  Something doesn't quite make sense.  I think I'll just go, eat, drink, be merry, stay out of the way of any flying bodies, and try hard not to be one of them.  lol

nolechica

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Quote
On one occasion, when my sister and future husband visited to see eldest son, baby's mother and baby, the baby's mother "hid out" at a neighbor's house, while my sister was visiting, leaving eldest son to lie about her being at work.  It was later revealed that baby's mother did not wish to spend any time in the same place as my sister.

Honestly, I don't think leaving while the son visits with mom is that bad.  It does seem that they gave TMI though.

And I agree that if this were posted from the son's POV, we'd say mom was wrong to not invite both, that doesn't change just b/c it's mom's wedding, both or neither.  Any idea when his wedding (if he's formally engaged) will be? As this could have repercussions later if MOG isn't helping pay for his wedding.

She didn't leave.  She refused to come home until THEY left.  Son told his mother that GF was working.  When the hour grew later than she would have been at work, son had to tell his mother that GF was at the neighbor's watching to see when they left, because she didn't want to have anything to do with them.  That's a bit much.

That is different, but still means son should've had a better story with less TMI and if I was GF, I'd totally avoid entirely rather than have another scene.  I avoid family frequently, but never harshly (no kids involved).

MineralDiva

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On one occasion, when my sister and future husband visited to see eldest son, baby's mother and baby, the baby's mother "hid out" at a neighbor's house, while my sister was visiting, leaving eldest son to lie about her being at work.  It was later revealed that baby's mother did not wish to spend any time in the same place as my sister.

Honestly, I don't think leaving while the son visits with mom is that bad.  It does seem that they gave TMI though.

And I agree that if this were posted from the son's POV, we'd say mom was wrong to not invite both, that doesn't change just b/c it's mom's wedding, both or neither.  Any idea when his wedding (if he's formally engaged) will be? As this could have repercussions later if MOG isn't helping pay for his wedding.

She didn't leave.  She refused to come home until THEY left.  Son told his mother that GF was working.  When the hour grew later than she would have been at work, son had to tell his mother that GF was at the neighbor's watching to see when they left, because she didn't want to have anything to do with them.  That's a bit much.

That is different, but still means son should've had a better story with less TMI and if I was GF, I'd totally avoid entirely rather than have another scene.  I avoid family frequently, but never harshly (no kids involved).

I agree.  If you're going to lie...at least have the good sense to do it well!  Geez!  ;)

MineralDiva

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Someone in one of the responding posts, I think asked about the eldest son's upcoming wedding.  At this time, from what I can gather from other family members, there may not be one.  It seems he may be re-evaluating the relationship also.  Unfortunately, they will be forever linked through the life they brought into the world together. 

If there is a wedding, I doubt that unless something drastic changes, his mother and her new husband will be invited.  I can't imagine too many other family members on his mother's side, getting invitations either...unless they're just looking for more gifts to make sure they mention they've subsequently thrown away.  :(  That'll be another "have-a-nice- life, glad-I'm-not-part-of-it" moment for me.

*inviteseller

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I think OP's sister is getting flamed bad here.  Son & DIL throw away her gifts to the baby but everything a former step mother gives is just peachy?  Nobody but former step mother gets invited to babies events, or if they are invited they are humiliated?  I had the former husband from hell also who did everything in his power (along with his evil mother) to turn my older DD against me, causing such problems that I had to take legal measures because of their shenanigans and this is what it sounds like is going on in the family.  OK, OP's sister is a bit of a Special Snowflake, but she tries to be part of hers son's life and is rudely snubbed...along with the rest of the family.  I have a feeling former step mother and daddy loooove telling son and DIL how horrible OP's sister is and how much better they are.  Bet they shower them with everything to keep them as the favorites.  I have lived that and I don't care if they are adults or not, being caught in the games parents play in a divorce is hard, no matter the age.  This DIL has even snarked at OP for no apparent reason, other than she sounds like a big word that rhymes with witch.  And as I said before, they dangle the grandchild in front of OP's sister. There is no evidence OP's sister has ever done anything to make then feel unsafe to have their child around her..they want to use an innocent child as a bargaining chip.  They need to either cut OP's sister (if they honestly cannot deal with her) or try to take steps to get along, but saying if I don't get my way (allow my gf to be rude and nasty to you and your family) you don't see your grandchild.  That shows they are the toxic ones IMO

snowdragon

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On one occasion, when my sister and future husband visited to see eldest son, baby's mother and baby, the baby's mother "hid out" at a neighbor's house, while my sister was visiting, leaving eldest son to lie about her being at work.  It was later revealed that baby's mother did not wish to spend any time in the same place as my sister.



   So, from the DIL's perspective she could have been giving the OP's sister time to visit with her son and granddaughter alone. I don't see anything wrong with this and think the son culd have worded it better. "Oh, she wanted us to have sometime alone." or something that did not need to be "reveald" hurthurfully lately. Heck, I live with my mother and I sometimes leave to give her time to be alone with someone who's in from out of town.

     One of my brothers married a truly toxic person and we still tried to make her feel welcome for the sake of my brother. I simply can not understand the idea that all the blame in this falls on the GF.

  I'd like to hear the GF's side of all of this. She treated the actual mother rudely in favor of the ex step mom? Or could she have just been more comfortable with the person she knows better, and not sure of her self around the OP's sister and not sure how to act towards her? The baby's grandparents were there, but not the rest of the famil? perhaps in the GF's family of orgin extended family is not invited to such things.
 
    The toy thing would bother me, but do the parents of the childhave rules about toys that grandma is not following?

   There is something more going on here....the indications that the GF is snippy over facebook comments from and Aunt in law she's never met, and that there was once a good relation with the GF and the OP's sister tell me that.   

  Honestly I think the only innocent in this is the baby - the one who is going to loose out on knowing ALL of her family. As someone who grew up rarely seeing her father's family. I would urge the OP sister's to reach out to the future DIL and try and repair the relationship -- and be open to hearing the concerns from her son's family.

Quote
There is no evidence OP's sister has ever done anything to make then feel unsafe to have their child around her..they want to use an innocent child as a bargaining chip.

  We  are only hearing one side of the issue and the OP's sister is not coming off too well, to a good many people - I maintain that there is more to this story.

Sharnita

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For whatever reasom, she no longer feels she can be cordial/civil to the child's mother. If thay is the case then  being around her could create tension and discomfort for the child.  Even if it isn't Grandma's "fault" it doesn't change the reality of the situation for the child. Grandma doesn't like mommy and child lives with mommy.

MineralDiva

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I think OP's sister is getting flamed bad here.  Son & DIL throw away her gifts to the baby but everything a former step mother gives is just peachy?  Nobody but former step mother gets invited to babies events, or if they are invited they are humiliated?  I had the former husband from hell also who did everything in his power (along with his evil mother) to turn my older DD against me, causing such problems that I had to take legal measures because of their shenanigans and this is what it sounds like is going on in the family.  OK, OP's sister is a bit of a Special Snowflake, but she tries to be part of hers son's life and is rudely snubbed...along with the rest of the family.  I have a feeling former step mother and daddy loooove telling son and DIL how horrible OP's sister is and how much better they are.  Bet they shower them with everything to keep them as the favorites.  I have lived that and I don't care if they are adults or not, being caught in the games parents play in a divorce is hard, no matter the age.  This DIL has even snarked at OP for no apparent reason, other than she sounds like a big word that rhymes with witch.  And as I said before, they dangle the grandchild in front of OP's sister. There is no evidence OP's sister has ever done anything to make then feel unsafe to have their child around her..they want to use an innocent child as a bargaining chip.  They need to either cut OP's sister (if they honestly cannot deal with her) or try to take steps to get along, but saying if I don't get my way (allow my gf to be rude and nasty to you and your family) you don't see your grandchild.  That shows they are the toxic ones IMO

Right on.  While there may be issues on both sides, I really think you summed it up very nicely here.  Her way of handling things may not always have been the most....prudent.  But she loves those boys and never wanted anything more than to be a part of their lives.  Her former husband did - and is doing - his best to see that never happens. 

Arrynne

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I haven't read the whole thread yet.   I do understand your sister's dilemma.  I wouldn't want someone that was nasty to me at my wedding either.   However, etiquette and family harmony dictate that the almost-DIL must be invited.  In her should I would have extended the invitation but privately asked my son to ask his girlfriend/wife to rein it in during the event.  I also would have asked a close friend or other family member to keep an eye on the potentially problematic almost-DIL and maybe have security around to escort her off the premises if she was out of line.

I had a "Jerry Springer" wedding myself.   We purposely didn't serve alcohol except for a single glass of champagne for a toast because we knew my future FIL was a sloppy drunk.  He minded his manners that day (other than changing into jeans and a plaid shirt the moment the ceremony was over).  Unfortunately, certain other family members ended up having a scream-fest on the front porch of the hall.  You prepare for what you can, and deal with the rest. 

shhh its me

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There is no evidence OP's sister has ever done anything to make then feel unsafe to have their child around her..they want to use an innocent child as a bargaining chip.  They need to either cut OP's sister (if they honestly cannot deal with her) or try to take steps to get along, but saying if I don't get my way (allow my gf to be rude and nasty to you and your family) you don't see your grandchild.  That shows they are the toxic ones IMO

I think "I don't like her/him" is actually a good enough reason for a couple to not let a grandparent interact with their child.  IT may not be the best thing or the most grownup thing but no one is entitled to a relationship.  If you cut people off without merit there will be consequences , but it doesn't seem like son or gf's life would be that effected by the consequences;  They don't invite OP sister to things or take gifts from her or even invite her family to things. 

The son and GF may both be terrible or Sister might be over dramatic and controlling (it's probably some of both) Not inviting the gf to the wedding certainly wasn't an olive branch though. 

nolechica

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Someone in one of the responding posts, I think asked about the eldest son's upcoming wedding.  At this time, from what I can gather from other family members, there may not be one.  It seems he may be re-evaluating the relationship also.  Unfortunately, they will be forever linked through the life they brought into the world together. 

If there is a wedding, I doubt that unless something drastic changes, his mother and her new husband will be invited.  I can't imagine too many other family members on his mother's side, getting invitations either...unless they're just looking for more gifts to make sure they mention they've subsequently thrown away.  :(  That'll be another "have-a-nice- life, glad-I'm-not-part-of-it" moment for me.

That was me, and ouch, sounds like a mess all around.

MineralDiva

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Someone in one of the responding posts, I think asked about the eldest son's upcoming wedding.  At this time, from what I can gather from other family members, there may not be one.  It seems he may be re-evaluating the relationship also.  Unfortunately, they will be forever linked through the life they brought into the world together. 

If there is a wedding, I doubt that unless something drastic changes, his mother and her new husband will be invited.  I can't imagine too many other family members on his mother's side, getting invitations either...unless they're just looking for more gifts to make sure they mention they've subsequently thrown away.  :(  That'll be another "have-a-nice- life, glad-I'm-not-part-of-it" moment for me.

That was me, and ouch, sounds like a mess all around.

Oh good.  Thanks for letting me know.  I tried to go back over the thread to find where you asked the question, but I couldn't seem to.

Yes.  It's going to be an interesting adventure, for sure! 

LifeOnPluto

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I haven't read the whole thread yet.   I do understand your sister's dilemma.  I wouldn't want someone that was nasty to me at my wedding either.   However, etiquette and family harmony dictate that the almost-DIL must be invited.  In her should I would have extended the invitation but privately asked my son to ask his girlfriend/wife to rein it in during the event.  I also would have asked a close friend or other family member to keep an eye on the potentially problematic almost-DIL and maybe have security around to escort her off the premises if she was out of line.



I think this would have been the best way to handle it. And ironically, if the OP's sister had invited her son and FDIL, it's entirely possible the FDIL would have made some excuse not to attend anyway!