"Never Speak His Name Around Me!"

[LifeOnPluto]

OP, can you clarify how Warren is reacting badly? If he's blowing up and snapping "Never speak his name around me!" and going into long rants about how awful Adam (and Kyle) are, then I think the problem is more on him.

If he's more inclined to sigh sadly, and look mournful, then I agree with Toots that it sounds like he's still grieving the loss of the relationship. In which case, I think some sensitivity is called for - by either avoiding mentioning Kyle and Adam unless they are absolutely relevant to the conversation, or gently suggesting that Warren gets professional help.

[TootsNYC]

Even if he's blowing up, he may be grieving. That's pretty narrow a definition of "grieving and deserving of sensitivity or help"--not everybody grieves by sighing, mournful looks, etc.

And even if he's blowing up, he might benefit from having somewhere safe to work it through.

[HoneyBee42]

Start calling Adam 'Voldemort' in any conversation where his name comes up.

Seriously, though, I agree with WillyNilly.

O/T:  My DH does this with his ex-GF!     Great minds think alike!

And my children started referring to their father as "He Who Shall Not Be Named" ... and I said "Voldemort?" The rest is history.

[gmatoy]

Even if he's blowing up, he may be grieving. That's pretty narrow a definition of "grieving and deserving of sensitivity or help"--not everybody grieves by sighing, mournful looks, etc.

And even if he's blowing up, he might benefit from having somewhere safe to work it through.

And how do you decide if your circle is the correct place for him to "work it out"? I am asking because we had a similar situation in our circle and there was a great divide on this question.

[Seiryuu]

Start calling Adam 'Voldemort' in any conversation where his name comes up.

Seriously, though, I agree with WillyNilly.

That's what my cast members for FAME dubbed our ex-tech director who bailed on us before dress rehearsal. More common that I thought it'd be, huh.

[Allyson]

Thanks, everyone! You're mostly echoing my own feelings--the thing is, I tried to be as neutral as possible but I *do* feel like Warren is being a bit hyperdramatic. I agree he's still hurting, and perhaps does need time to grieve, but while this is happening--it's hard to know what to do, you know? He's not a good enough friend for me to be his listening ear, and while my boyfriend does that for him a bit, there's only so much he can handle.

To those who asked how he reacts badly--it's sort of in between sighing sadly and blowing up. He gets snappish and nasty. An example would be, someone said "Oh, I've got to run--having dinner with Adam and Kyle" and Warren said sarcastically, "Have fun with that." He's said that he wishes people wouldn't bring them up, but then asks questions where it's hard not to mention them. I never thought that maybe he wanted to hear about them at the same time as not--like picking at a scab or something. But that makes sense, he's subconsciously fishing for information perhaps.

I don't think he's being deliberately attention-seeking; I do think his emotions are real. Sometimes it feels like navigating a minefield though! I mean, he's not going out of his way to put his issues on us, and all friendships involve some degree of helping each other emotionally. It's hard for me because I am *much* closer to Kyle than to Warren (I like Adam well enough but we're not close, where I'd consider Kyle once of my best friends.) I know that Warren thinks I took Kyle's 'side' during the breakup, which is only true in that I was close enough to Kyle to be the one who took him out for drinks and listened to him, so I heard more of his side of the story. I tried to stay neutral/supportive with both of them, but different levels of friendship, so it wasn't always possible.

[TootsNYC]

Even if he's blowing up, he may be grieving. That's pretty narrow a definition of "grieving and deserving of sensitivity or help"--not everybody grieves by sighing, mournful looks, etc.

And even if he's blowing up, he might benefit from having somewhere safe to work it through.

And how do you decide if your circle is the correct place for him to "work it out"? I am asking because we had a similar situation in our circle and there was a great divide on this question.

 

*I* never said nor intended to imply that a social circle is an appropriate place to work it out.
In fact, I said the exact opposite--that if he's unable to take the hint, then he needs to take his grief to a pro.


I've only see that "somewhere safe to work it through" being used to apply to therapy, or to a relationship with a single friend that is similar to therapy.

[Amava]

And maybe he needs help dealing with that problem. Maybe it's less that he needs to grow up and more that he needs to heal.

You took the words out of my keyboard, Toots.

[PeterM]

And maybe he needs help dealing with that problem. Maybe it's less that he needs to grow up and more that he needs to heal.

You took the words out of my keyboard, Toots.

Not mine. He might well need to heal, yes, but I think his behavior shows that he definitely needs to grow up.

[nolechica]

And maybe he needs help dealing with that problem. Maybe it's less that he needs to grow up and more that he needs to heal.

You took the words out of my keyboard, Toots.

Not mine. He might well need to heal, yes, but I think his behavior shows that he definitely needs to grow up.

Agreed, creating awkward situations repeatedly won't solve his heartbreak or anger.

[johelenc1]

Warren needs to put on his big boy panties and get over himself.

I would have no patience for this.  I certainly wouldn't go up to Warren and gloat - "hey, guess who I saw last night all lovie-dovie at the movies!".  But, I certainly wouldn't avoid mentioning their names and I definitely wouldn't go around telling other people not to mention their names.

Hurting or not, Warren can't have the world revolve around him.  Also, it's been two years!  One since Kyle and Adam started dating!  Granted, grief is individual, but it sounds like to me that Warren isn't even trying.  And, it's his responsibility to try - not everyone else's responsibility to tip-toe around him.

[Deetee]

I think Kyle made the right choice.

[sweetonsno]

I think your best bet is to just not mention Adam or Kyle around Warren. You don't need to lie, but you don't need to elaborate. Instead of saying that you had dinner with A & K, say that you had dinner with some friends. If he asks about the event, just say that it was a great success and don't mention A & K.

The reason for this suggestion is two-fold:
1. First, I think it is impolite to unnecessarily discuss topics that you know are painful for other people. (Obviously, the exception is a direct question. If Warren specifically asks you about Adam and/or Kyle, then it's on him if he gets upset when you mention their names.) Yes, this happened a long time ago and most people would probably be "over" it. However, some folks take longer to heal than others. I'd err on the side of trying to not hurt my friends.
2. It's really annoying to deal with attention-seeking behavior, even when the emotions may be real. Don't give him a reason/excuse to get angry or sigh like Ophelia. It will probably make things more pleasant for you if there is less sighing and snapping. Additionally, if Warren is motivated by receiving comforting words, you'll take away the "reward" by denying him an opportunity to need that comfort.

[gmatoy]

Even if he's blowing up, he may be grieving. That's pretty narrow a definition of "grieving and deserving of sensitivity or help"--not everybody grieves by sighing, mournful looks, etc.

And even if he's blowing up, he might benefit from having somewhere safe to work it through.

And how do you decide if your circle is the correct place for him to "work it out"? I am asking because we had a similar situation in our circle and there was a great divide on this question.

 

*I* never said nor intended to imply that a social circle is an appropriate place to work it out.
In fact, I said the exact opposite--that if he's unable to take the hint, then he needs to take his grief to a pro.


I've only see that "somewhere safe to work it through" being used to apply to therapy, or to a relationship with a single friend that is similar to therapy.

Ah, thanks for clarifing that for me! It is easy to misunderstand the written word, without voice inflections and facial clues. Sorry that I didn't get what you meant.