Author Topic: Rude to not give a wedding gift?  (Read 6965 times)

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kareng57

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #30 on: June 07, 2013, 09:17:37 PM »
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I think the etiquette is that if you give a gift at the shower, you aren't obligated to give a second one at the wedding... is that right?

You have it backwards.  According to Miss Manners, the shower gifts are not the ones that are "required" (for lack of better word).

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Manners is incapable of saying "bachelorette") parties, a rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, a dinner, a dance and the next day's brunch until everyone concerned has been worn to a frazzle. And that they all require presents.
Only the ceremony and a celebration immediately after have the full sanction of etiquette; the rest is for those who have the stamina. A true engagement party is one at which the bride's father announces the engagement as a surprise, and showers are solely at the discretion of friends."

This quote rings weird and I wonder what the beginning of the sentence was. It sounds like she is bemoaning people thinking gifts are required for all these wedding sub-events, and saying that having a shower is not automatic and your friends have to throw it for you. As I understand showers, they are specifically for giving gifts, and you wouldn't go if you didn't want to give one.


Yes - showers are one of the few events (children's birthday parties are another) where gifts are central to the occasion, and therefore there's an expectation.  I wouldn't call it "rude" to attend a shower without a gift, but it would be kind of eyebrow-raising.  Generally, a guest who could not afford a gift would simply not attend.  And in some circles, shower gifts tend to be fairly expensive (such as $ 50+) and cash is the expected wedding gift.

While it's certainly customary for attending guests to give wedding gifts - weddings, by themselves, are not mandatory gift-giving occasions - even if the great majority of guests do give them.  The polite fiction is that they are a nice surprise, and a HC should not be wondering why they never received a gift from particular guests.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #31 on: June 08, 2013, 03:38:36 AM »
I've often wondered about this in relation to cutesy poems asking for money. Essentially, most of them say "If you want to give us a gift, cash would be nice. But most importantly, we'd like your well wishes".

In that situation, would it be rude to take the couple at their word, and simply write a nice message in a card? Or is this a situation where you're supposed to "read between the lines" and pony up at least a few bucks?

DottyG

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #32 on: June 08, 2013, 09:13:48 AM »
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Also, you all really DO need to *go read the original piece*.

I DID read the original piece.  My post was made having already done so.


TootsNYC

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #33 on: June 08, 2013, 11:16:59 AM »
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Also, you all really DO need to *go read the original piece*.

I DID read the original piece.  My post was made having already done so.

Sorry for the "all"--My post was direct at future posters and at those who hadn't read it yet.

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #34 on: June 08, 2013, 01:30:02 PM »
My anti-virus software blocks the site, so I can't read the original piece.

It seems very odd to me that a third of the wedding guests did not give a gift or card, and I'm interested in hearing people's theories as to why this would happen.  Were the couple and guests very young?  Is the couple still in college and the guest list included a bunch of the groom's frat buddies?  Is one side of the family a bunch of poorly socialized moochers? 
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

z_squared82

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #35 on: June 10, 2013, 10:03:01 AM »
I believe it is not rude to not give a gift. Like the professional(s) say, An invitation is not an invoice.

That being said, I would still do a card. I think at my brokest (when I was unemployed) I actually made a card with stuff I already owned and printed photos I had taken so they could frame (I was recently out of photography school at the time).

I was really embarassed when I was a date to several weddings with my now-boyfriend and I found out he hadn't even bothered with a card. Like, *REALLY* embarassed. Especially if there was an open bar (b/c the norm where I'm from is domestic draft and wine is free, but everything else is cash). One was even a really good friend. He said a gift and card had never occurred to him. ::)

TootsNYC

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #36 on: June 10, 2013, 10:35:29 AM »
An invitation may not be an invoice.

But *accepting* an invitation is.

If you attend a wedding, I think it is rude to not give a present. I don't think brides & grooms should be going out of their way to take offense, but honestly--you can't come up with SOMEthing?


Calistoga

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #37 on: June 10, 2013, 10:53:25 AM »
I, personally, wouldn't feel right if I didn't get a card... my favorite wedding gifts were cards. I don't even really consider them to be a gift so much as a little keep sake that I can look at and enjoy after the wedding is over. Kind of like signing the guest book, but with more room.

sparksals

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #38 on: June 10, 2013, 10:54:10 AM »
I can relate to the writer of the story.  I don't care about the gifts.  It is the acknowledgement that really means the most. 


DH's parents didn't so much as give us a card for our wedding.  They attended our very small wedding, and his mother tried to invite her whole family, to which my husband told her she couldn't.  We were on a very tight budget, it was my second wedding, we just bought a house and i had to go through the immigration process. 


I have always felt she didn't approve of our marriage since she didn't acknowledge it.  Sure, they attended, but a card wishing us well would have been nice.  After knowing her for almost 10 years, I'm wondering if she intentionally didn't gift anything b/c we couldn't have her extended family.  She has shown some pretty   revengeful behaviour over the years.   She is very well off and doesn't understand that others have a strict budget.  She said once she can't believe how everyone doesn't have $5000 sitting around for an ER. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #39 on: June 10, 2013, 11:06:58 AM »
I can relate to the writer of the story.  I don't care about the gifts.  It is the acknowledgement that really means the most. 

YES! That is why not giving a gift when you DID attend the wedding is rude.

sparksals

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #40 on: June 10, 2013, 02:45:40 PM »
I can relate to the writer of the story.  I don't care about the gifts.  It is the acknowledgement that really means the most. 

YES! That is why not giving a gift when you DID attend the wedding is rude.


Exactly.  And the lack thereof sometimes has a message.

*inviteseller

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #41 on: June 11, 2013, 09:28:08 AM »
I have one time only given just a card because I was a broke 21 yr old..but I was in the wedding and all my money was tied up in that.  I made sure to give the gift of my time to help with every aspect of the wedding and she said that was what she needed the most.  As far as the socially accepted amount to give..to me, there is no set amount.  It is what a person can afford.  I have heard people complain that so and so should have given more because they have <insert new car, house ect> but until you know that persons financials, you (general) don't know how much money they have to spend.  And the people who have to come from out of town spend a lot of money to travel and be there.  As far as 1/3 not even giving a card, there has to be more to it because you expect one or two guest to be clueless but 1/3 ??? 
My own story - I have said before, my former husband and myself ended up not having the wedding we wanted thanks to his mom, and had a lovely intimate ceremony at the JP with just a few close friends.  My family still acknowledged it with cards and because we were in the process of moving to another state, generous cash gifts.  His family?  No cards, no well wishes and his mother brought our wedding gift to us when she came to visit us in our new place 5 months later..it was one pillow.  Yes, our wedding gift was ONE pillow.  I still sent her a gushing thank you note, telling her that hubby slept so well on that pillow!   ::)

Two Ravens

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #42 on: June 11, 2013, 09:45:22 AM »
I can relate to the writer of the story.  I don't care about the gifts.  It is the acknowledgement that really means the most. 

YES! That is why not giving a gift when you DID attend the wedding is rude.


Exactly.  And the lack thereof sometimes has a message.

I don't think someone's wedding is a time to "send a message." If you need to "send a message," then show it by your absence.

Cami

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #43 on: June 11, 2013, 09:50:29 AM »
I've seen this behavior more over the years and more commonly where I live now than anywhere else. The overall attitude I see from people who make no acknowledgement is that it's an arduous task to get dressed up for a wedding, to go to a wedding and therefore, their presence is their gift. These are the same types of people who call up the HC and ask for special meals (just because they don't like what's being offered) or transportation to the wedding. I was in conversation with one couple who quite proudly stated that they were so busy, that the HC should consider themselves "lucky" that they were attending and they couldn't possibly take the time/effort to even get a card (although she was wearing an entirely new outfit bought just for the occasion). I was recently at a wedding where there was a gift table and someone expressed shock that they were supposed to bring a gift to a wedding "these days" since brides and grooms are now older and established, so they don't need anything and besides, aren't weddings all about hosting a party for the guests, so why would the honorees -- the guests -- have to bring a gift? 

I can relate to the writer of the story.  I don't care about the gifts.  It is the acknowledgement that really means the most. 

YES! That is why not giving a gift when you DID attend the wedding is rude.


Exactly.  And the lack thereof sometimes has a message.

I don't think someone's wedding is a time to "send a message." If you need to "send a message," then show it by your absence.
But if they don't attend the wedding, they don't get the free food, drink and party or additional fodder to criticize the HC later on.

Calistoga

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Re: Rude to not give a wedding gift?
« Reply #44 on: June 11, 2013, 10:26:58 AM »
To be quite honest if coming to my wedding is such a horrible hassle for you... I'd rather you didn't come. I'm not sure when it was decided that an invitation to a wedding was on par with a summons to jury duty.