Author Topic: Funeral A/B List (Update Post 107)  (Read 11713 times)

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WillyNilly

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #45 on: June 07, 2013, 10:04:25 PM »
Perhaps part of the issue is the widow knows no one will be providing the meal. If she isn't a member of a church and knows her friends & neighbors don't usually provide food, then it would fall to her. I mean the dinner OP was invited to is with the widow hosting right? And her reasoning for the limited guest list is she doesn't want to host the stepkids friends, right? So really I don't blame the widow for not wanting to host.

sammycat

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #46 on: June 07, 2013, 10:04:52 PM »
Sammycat - we expected nothing less, she actually out did herself in her rudeness in front of an audience at the church luncheon, but DD and I and 2 of his friends had a good laugh about it later.

She sounds like a real peach.  :-\

I can understand, to an extent, exes not being particularly welcome at a funeral (not that that excuses any rudeness), but treating the children, especially minors, of the deceased, in that manner too, takes it to another completely unacceptable level.

Sharnita

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #47 on: June 07, 2013, 10:07:14 PM »
Perhaps part of the issue is the widow knows no one will be providing the meal. If she isn't a member of a church and knows her friends & neighbors don't usually provide food, then it would fall to her. I mean the dinner OP was invited to is with the widow hosting right? And her reasoning for the limited guest list is she doesn't want to host the stepkids friends, right? So really I don't blame the widow for not wanting to host.

No, I think she is hosting so she doesn't have to lunch with her stepkids family and friends which is something she would have to do if the church hosted/provided the food. 

*inviteseller

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #48 on: June 07, 2013, 10:29:32 PM »
I also see it as she doesn't want to socialize with the steps and their friends.  She admitted she knows it is wrong, so she is rude.  And why is she having an interment at night?  I don't know any cemetery that would do that and to be honest, it would.creep.me.out!

TootsNYC

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #49 on: June 07, 2013, 10:31:52 PM »
Here in NYC, I've almost never seen the church provide a luncheon--it's always on the family. And it's almost always at a restaurant. Because few NYers have homes that large (my ILs do; see 3rd graph).

For one thing, it's held after the graveside service, and the cemeteries are usually a ways away, so it's not like it's contiguous. People would have to come BACK to the church, or BACK to the restaurant, and most of them don't unless they're close family.

So the church doesn't hold the luncheons here that they have done for my family back in the Midwest.

Once there was a memorial mass for a sibling of my MIL or FIL who died in Europe, and afterward all the relatives simply showed up at my MIL's house and looked at her, waiting for food. My MIL hadn't been expecting it in the least; I thought it was SO rude. Nobody brought anything (true, since most of them didn't live close, they'd have had to stop at a grocery store, which they might not have easily located, but still!)


TootsNYC

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #50 on: June 07, 2013, 10:33:48 PM »
One point: there's nothing keeping the deceased husband's own children from gathering together on their own, without their step mother. Given how little she cares for them, it might be best that way.

Perhaps the OP's husband's sister is simply gathering HER family around HER. And since this is not an official "everybody getting together after," she doesn't want things to get confused. She's not really acting as an official hostess of a larger gathering; she simply gathering her OWN support system. Probably the OP and her husband wouldn't be of that much comfort to their uncle-by-marriage's children.

Sharnita

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #51 on: June 07, 2013, 10:36:01 PM »
Oh, in the midwest people frequently drive to the cemetary (could be 10 or 15 miles away) then drive back to the church.

TootsNYC

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #52 on: June 07, 2013, 10:37:46 PM »
Oh, in the midwest people frequently drive to the cemetary (could be 10 or 15 miles away) then drive back to the church.

We're talking a hour's drive through traffic, though.

10 miles is longer in NYC than it is in the Midwest. I grew up there--I know.

Sharnita

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #53 on: June 07, 2013, 10:42:04 PM »
Oh, in the midwest people frequently drive to the cemetary (could be 10 or 15 miles away) then drive back to the church.

We're talking a hour's drive through traffic, though.

10 miles is longer in NYC than it is in the Midwest. I grew up there--I know.

The majority of the population doesn't actually live in NYC, though so I am not sure the experience of those living there is a good yardstick for everyone else.  It doesn't sound like your experiences there are anything like the community where OP/aunt are living.

Figgie

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #54 on: June 07, 2013, 10:42:16 PM »
She and her husband were long time members of a fairly large Catholic Church.  If she didn't want to pay for a meal, she wouldn't have to, as it would be provided by the church to everyone who attended the funeral.

She isn't willing to do that and I don't really understand or know why.  Although I'm sure I'll find out at the funeral, as she has absolutely NO mouth to brain filter and never has. :)  It could be that she thinks she is punishing her step-children or it could be that she is trying to show everyone else how to do a funeral, as this is the first one she has ever planned. 

But those are just guesses...we really don't know why she is doing what she is doing.  I just wish that she would have chosen the high road and allowed the church to provide the meal and then, if she wanted to spend time with only her family, she could have invited people over for dessert or something.

Sharnita

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #55 on: June 07, 2013, 10:44:34 PM »
She and her husband were long time members of a fairly large Catholic Church.  If she didn't want to pay for a meal, she wouldn't have to, as it would be provided by the church to everyone who attended the funeral.

She isn't willing to do that and I don't really understand or know why.  Although I'm sure I'll find out at the funeral, as she has absolutely NO mouth to brain filter and never has. :)  It could be that she thinks she is punishing her step-children or it could be that she is trying to show everyone else how to do a funeral, as this is the first one she has ever planned. 

But those are just guesses...we really don't know why she is doing what she is doing.  I just wish that she would have chosen the high road and allowed the church to provide the meal and then, if she wanted to spend time with only her family, she could have invited people over for dessert or something.

Or maybe she could have privately asked those people to make sure they sat next to her at the lunch?  She still could have had "her" table.

NyaChan

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #56 on: June 07, 2013, 11:04:25 PM »
Once there was a memorial mass for a sibling of my MIL or FIL who died in Europe, and afterward all the relatives simply showed up at my MIL's house and looked at her, waiting for food. My MIL hadn't been expecting it in the least; I thought it was SO rude. Nobody brought anything (true, since most of them didn't live close, they'd have had to stop at a grocery store, which they might not have easily located, but still!)

That is exactly what shouldn't happen  >:(  How did MIL handle it?

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #57 on: June 08, 2013, 03:57:46 AM »
I tend to agree with everything Inviteseller has said. I've never heard of having a funeral at night. And I do agree with the Minister - it's rude for the aunt to have the service and funeral during a time that most people normally eat dinner.

It's unfortunate that the aunt seems to be working so hard at cutting the deceased's children out of the picture (although obviously I don't know both sides of the story). In this case, it might be best if the deceased's children arrange their own memorial service for their father.

TootsNYC

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #58 on: June 08, 2013, 11:20:20 AM »
Once there was a memorial mass for a sibling of my MIL or FIL who died in Europe, and afterward all the relatives simply showed up at my MIL's house and looked at her, waiting for food. My MIL hadn't been expecting it in the least; I thought it was SO rude. Nobody brought anything (true, since most of them didn't live close, they'd have had to stop at a grocery store, which they might not have easily located, but still!)

That is exactly what shouldn't happen  >:(  How did MIL handle it?

She went in the kitchen and started cooking, and sent DH & I and another sympathetic cousin to the grocery store for precooked chicken, etc.

There was one of the older ladies that just really offended me--it was her judgmental, expectant look. And I realized that my MIL & FIL have always had people over to their house for lots of events, and everybody else has just gotten really, really lazy.

LadyR

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Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #59 on: June 08, 2013, 01:06:49 PM »
I'm used to after a funeral there being sandwiches and sweets in a hall or church basement. No formal meal, but everyone is welcome.