Well, my husband's uncle (brother of the widow) called my husband to ask him if there was anything he could think of to do to get his sister/my husband's aunt to change what she is doing. Of course, there truly isn't anything my spouse can do are say, as she is as stubborn as the day is long.
Her stepchildren all seem to be decent people. The three youngest were 14, 12 and 11 when she married their father and so she was quite involved in raising them. As far as we have known, there is no issue with the stepchildren treating her badly (she has never complained and she would have if she felt at all disrespected).
Her brother thinks that she is so obsessed with having a full choir sing at the service that nothing else appears to matter to her. I expect that he probably knows his sister and is correct about what is going on with her.
My spouse doesn't believe that she is acting this way because she is grieving...her behavior is pretty typical of the kind of person that she is, which is extremely self-centered. I really think that it just doesn't cross her mind that her choices are impacting people other than herself. She just doesn't really think about other people and never really has.
My husband has decided that we aren't going to stay for the graveside service, which will be after dark. We will be driving a total of five hours round trip and this will just be too late for us with a 2 1/2 hour drive home. So, we won't be going to the restaurant after the graveside service, as we are heading home right after the funeral instead.
I'm kind of glad, because to be honest, being in a cemetery after dark sort of creeps me out.