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### Author Topic: Funeral A/B List (Update Post 107)  (Read 26057 times)

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#### jedikaiti

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #90 on: June 09, 2013, 11:29:01 PM »
One thing that really strikes me about so many of these stories about meals is the repeated mention of church. I know very few people who actually attend church regularly. Seriously I would estimate less then 15% of all the people I know (friends, co-workers, neighbors) seem to attend church other then for holidays or big events (or temple, or other religious house). So the idea of having a church provide anything is really just not an option for most people I know. Although truth be told even the people who I know who do attend church still don't have the meals... at least not for the general mourners, they might have them for the family or the church community.

That's one thing I have noticed as well.

When my (maternal) Grandfather died, I think much of the food for the open house after was provided by (paternal) relatives and other friends... although I am sure my parents probably called down to the local grocery store and gotten some meat & cheese trays (or that type of thing) made up  to be picked up while we were at the serivce. But my Grandpa was not religious, and there was no church service, and certainly no church ladies to provide food.
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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #91 on: June 10, 2013, 07:04:39 AM »
Some of the posts here are reading as if the OP's aunt is excluding her husband's children from the funeral. She isn't. She is just choosing not to spend time with them after the funeral, and she is totally within her rights to do this. She could also choose to go out to eat by herself or with her BFF, or just go home to bed. The stepchildren are adults with their own families and can make their own after-funeral plans -- separately or jointly.

I've never been to a funeral/memorial with the expectation of being fed unless it was announced in advance ("Service at X Church/Y funeral home with buffet reception to follow at Z site"). Sometimes I've gone to a funeral and been invited on the spot to attend a gathering afterward or go out to eat. But unless it's announced beforehand, I make my own meal plans for before or after.

Aunt's plans may be out of the ordinary for her family or community, but they're not rude. JMO.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2013, 10:35:45 AM by baglady »
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#### TootsNYC

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #92 on: June 10, 2013, 10:06:12 AM »
Oh, in the midwest people frequently drive to the cemetary (could be 10 or 15 miles away) then drive back to the church.

We're talking a hour's drive through traffic, though.

10 miles is longer in NYC than it is in the Midwest. I grew up there--I know.

The majority of the population doesn't actually live in NYC, though so I am not sure the experience of those living there is a good yardstick for everyone else.  It doesn't sound like your experiences there are anything like the community where OP/aunt are living.

It seems like threads would be pretty short if the only people who replied had experienced the exact same things as the OP.  I grew up in the suburbs of large NE city and my experience is much closer tootsnyc's than anything you described.

yeah, I'm not sure ANY region's experience is a good yardstick for anywhere else.

#### mime

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #93 on: June 10, 2013, 02:44:25 PM »
One thing that really strikes me about so many of these stories about meals is the repeated mention of church. I know very few people who actually attend church regularly. Seriously I would estimate less then 15% of all the people I know (friends, co-workers, neighbors) seem to attend church other then for holidays or big events (or temple, or other religious house). So the idea of having a church provide anything is really just not an option for most people I know. Although truth be told even the people who I know who do attend church still don't have the meals... at least not for the general mourners, they might have them for the family or the church community.

A lot of my family who ren't active church members still have their funerals at the kittle church in my town and for a small fee the church group makes sandwiches and sweets. My father's service was held at the local legion and for $200 the legion women's group provided sandwiches and sweets for close to 100 people. I've also seen the after part held at the funeral home or a community centres, but most often its the Legion or the church basement. There is always food though. ... My church did that too - when I was a SAHM I would occasionally get calls, about two days ahead of time, about reporting for sandwich-making for a funeral. They did charge a nominal fee (probably not much more than covering costs, and for all I know it might have been waived completely in some instances) but it was far less than ordering sandwich-trays from an outside caterer. ... The same is true of many churches around here. My childhood church (and others nearby) never turn down a request for a funeral, regardless of church attendance or membership. There is never a charge. They always provide a meal. This is a way they feel like they can serve the people in the community around them. #### WillyNilly • Member • Posts: 7490 • Mmmmm, food ##### Re: Funeral A/B List « Reply #94 on: June 10, 2013, 03:02:32 PM » One thing that really strikes me about so many of these stories about meals is the repeated mention of church. I know very few people who actually attend church regularly. Seriously I would estimate less then 15% of all the people I know (friends, co-workers, neighbors) seem to attend church other then for holidays or big events (or temple, or other religious house). So the idea of having a church provide anything is really just not an option for most people I know. Although truth be told even the people who I know who do attend church still don't have the meals... at least not for the general mourners, they might have them for the family or the church community. A lot of my family who ren't active church members still have their funerals at the kittle church in my town and for a small fee the church group makes sandwiches and sweets. My father's service was held at the local legion and for$200 the legion women's group provided sandwiches and sweets for close to 100 people. I've also seen the after part held at the funeral home or a community centres, but most often its the Legion or the church basement. There is always food though.

...

My church did that too - when I was a SAHM I would occasionally get calls, about two days ahead of time, about reporting for sandwich-making for a funeral.  They did charge a nominal fee (probably not much more than covering costs, and for all I know it might have been waived completely in some instances) but it was far less than ordering sandwich-trays from an outside caterer.

...

The same is true of many churches around here. My childhood church (and others nearby) never turn down a request for a funeral, regardless of church attendance or membership. There is never a charge. They always provide a meal. This is a way they feel like they can serve the people in the community around them.

My point is, many of the funerals don't even have religious services or if they do they are held at the funeral home not at the church (and in my state at least it is illegal for there to be food of any nature served or consumed to any non-employee within a funeral home). How would the church even know someone died and/or if they did because something was said at the wake how would they get people over to the church to eat the food?

For people not affiliated with organized religion saying "churches do this" its like saying to the average person "oh your local nuclear physicists union handles it" - its just something many people have absolutely no connection whatsoever to.

#### Mammavan3

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #95 on: June 10, 2013, 03:20:32 PM »
Oh, in the midwest people frequently drive to the cemetary (could be 10 or 15 miles away) then drive back to the church.

We're talking a hour's drive through traffic, though.

10 miles is longer in NYC than it is in the Midwest. I grew up there--I know.

The majority of the population doesn't actually live in NYC, though so I am not sure the experience of those living there is a good yardstick for everyone else.  It doesn't sound like your experiences there are anything like the community where OP/aunt are living.

It seems like threads would be pretty short if the only people who replied had experienced the exact same things as the OP.  I grew up in the suburbs of large NE city and my experience is much closer tootsnyc's than anything you described.

yeah, I'm not sure ANY region's experience is a good yardstick for anywhere else.

But it is a good yardstick as to how things are done in that area, and the not-very-bereaved widow is definitely and deliberately choosing to do something that is contrary to the norms in HER area and is, if not rude, at least inconsiderate and unfeeling.

#### Sharnita

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #96 on: June 10, 2013, 03:43:57 PM »
More to the point, the church has offered this in conjuncture with this service and she has rejejected the meal the kids would like because she doesn't want to be sround these people when she might just as easily accept and excuse herself. Wouldn't cost hrr a darn thing snd the rest of the family could have the fellowship and support they desire.

#### NyaChan

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #97 on: June 10, 2013, 03:47:48 PM »
More to the point, the church has offered this in conjuncture with this service and she has rejejected the meal the kids would like because she doesn't want to be sround these people when she might just as easily accept and excuse herself. Wouldn't cost hrr a darn thing snd the rest of the family could have the fellowship and support they desire.

But it isn't the kids' church, it is her church.  If she accepts, won't they expect her to be there?

#### Figgie

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #98 on: June 10, 2013, 04:30:20 PM »
The church is the church that all of the children grew up going to and three of them (and their families) are still members.  So yes, they could have the meal there after the service but my husband's aunt doesn't want to do it that way.

She isn't a malicious woman...there isn't an ounce of malice in the decisions she is making.  She is just a profoundly self-centered person and really isn't capable of putting herself in her stepchildren's shoes and seeing how painful the loss of their father is for them and how she is making things more difficult for them.

I don't know how to explain it...if it isn't about her, it doesn't really exist.  She is just always right and everyone else is wrong or they misunderstood.

And details about when and where the funeral is going to be have been changed because I really don't want anyone possibly knowing that I posted about it.  While I doubt if my husband's aunt would be on Ehell (she knows everything about everything after all)  , I wouldn't want to hurt any of the stepchildren.  I will update later this week after the funeral is over.

#### NyaChan

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #99 on: June 10, 2013, 04:33:13 PM »
The church is the church that all of the children grew up going to and three of them (and their families) are still members.  So yes, they could have the meal there after the service but my husband's aunt doesn't want to do it that way.

She isn't a malicious woman...there isn't an ounce of malice in the decisions she is making.  She is just a profoundly self-centered person and really isn't capable of putting herself in her stepchildren's shoes and seeing how painful the loss of their father is for them and how she is making things more difficult for them.

I don't know how to explain it...if it isn't about her, it doesn't really exist.  She is just always right and everyone else is wrong or they misunderstood.

And details about when and where the funeral is going to be have been changed because I really don't want anyone possibly knowing that I posted about it.  While I doubt if my husband's aunt would be on Ehell (she knows everything about everything after all)  , I wouldn't want to hurt any of the stepchildren.  I will update later this week after the funeral is over.

I thought the children were from out of state.  If they are members of the church then don't they have the same right to the church benefits of post-funeral food?  Why can't the children arrange this with the church?

#### Figgie

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #100 on: June 10, 2013, 04:35:28 PM »
NyaChan, the widow and only the widow is the one who makes the decisions about the funeral.  The stepchildren have no say in this at all.  So, my husband's aunt will have chosen the time, place, music, readings and everything else related to the funeral.  Since she doesn't want to have a meal at the church after the service, there will be no meal.

#### NyaChan

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #101 on: June 10, 2013, 04:37:21 PM »
NyaChan, the widow and only the widow is the one who makes the decisions about the funeral.  The stepchildren have no say in this at all.  So, my husband's aunt will have chosen the time, place, music, readings and everything else related to the funeral.  Since she doesn't want to have a meal at the church after the service, there will be no meal.

Ah I see, it didn't occur to me that the widow's exclusive rights in general would be the same as the church rules.

#### Minmom3

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #102 on: June 10, 2013, 04:55:40 PM »
Some of the posts here are reading as if the OP's aunt is excluding her husband's children from the funeral. She isn't. She is just choosing not to spend time with them after the funeral, and she is totally within her rights to do this. She could also choose to go out to eat by herself or with her BFF, or just go home to bed. The stepchildren are adults with their own families and can make their own after-funeral plans -- separately or jointly.

I've never been to a funeral/memorial with the expectation of being fed unless it was announced in advance ("Service at X Church/Y funeral home with buffet reception to follow at Z site"). Sometimes I've gone to a funeral and been invited on the spot to attend a gathering afterward or go out to eat. But unless it's announced beforehand, I make my own meal plans for before or after.

Aunt's plans may be out of the ordinary for her family or community, but they're not rude. JMO.

But it reads to me as if Aunt is ONLY not having a meal after so she can avoid her stepkids.  I think THAT is rude.  Granted, we don't know the relationship between the widow and the step kids, but OP hasn't said they had a cantankerous relationship, just that Aunt is deliberately and purposefully avoiding them after the funeral.  IMO, that is rude, and hurtful and mean.  If the kids didn't care that she's purposefully avoiding them, would the OP have even posted about this?  I think probably she wouldn't.
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#### TootsNYC

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #103 on: June 10, 2013, 05:19:03 PM »
NyaChan, the widow and only the widow is the one who makes the decisions about the funeral.  The stepchildren have no say in this at all.  So, my husband's aunt will have chosen the time, place, music, readings and everything else related to the funeral.  Since she doesn't want to have a meal at the church after the service, there will be no meal.

Ah I see, it didn't occur to me that the widow's exclusive rights in general would be the same as the church rules.

It's less that and more simply that the church needs to have only ONE person to deal with, and they'll follow the lead of the widow.

If the kids had called up and said, "Stepmom doesn't want to bother w/ a dinner, but we'd like one because we know many people would come, would you do it?" they might be quite willing to.

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##### Re: Funeral A/B List
« Reply #104 on: June 10, 2013, 07:27:24 PM »
NyaChan, the widow and only the widow is the one who makes the decisions about the funeral.  The stepchildren have no say in this at all.  So, my husband's aunt will have chosen the time, place, music, readings and everything else related to the funeral.  Since she doesn't want to have a meal at the church after the service, there will be no meal.

Ah I see, it didn't occur to me that the widow's exclusive rights in general would be the same as the church rules.

It's less that and more simply that the church needs to have only ONE person to deal with, and they'll follow the lead of the widow.

If the kids had called up and said, "Stepmom doesn't want to bother w/ a dinner, but we'd like one because we know many people would come, would you do it?" they might be quite willing to.

I'd like to think this is a possibility, but I'm guessing not. I'm picturing the pastor, or whoever's in charge of putting on post-funeral dinners, backing away in near-panic at the thought of getting involved in a family feud by doing the meal against the widow's wishes. As a general rule, church folk do not like conflict!

Maybe my judgment on this is colored by the fact that I'm from a "funerals do not always come with meals" background, and I've been to a wide variety of funerals/memorials over the years. But I don't see the aunt's decision as mean-spirited. Maybe she's uncomfortable around them because they resent her for replacing their mom. Maybe they have rambunctious children who would be getting on her last nerve. Maybe she's a serious introvert who will have had her fill of being "on" by funeral's end. We don't know.

It would be nice if she could be the bigger person, swallow her distaste for being around the stepkids and include them in the post-funeral meal plans -- whether that meal is at the church, a restaurant or home. But like it or not, one person has the final say on arrangements, and if there is a spouse, that's the person.

I've never been to a funeral or memorial (or lack thereof) where someone wasn't happy with the arrangements. The religious relatives are upset that there was no church service. The atheist friends are annoyed that there *was* a religious service. Some people will be unhappy that there is no reception after the funeral, while others will be displeased to discover there is one, if they weren't expecting it and hadn't budgeted the time for it (this was me at the last funeral I attended).

And I said this upthread, but feel the need to reiterate: This is not the funeral. This is dinner after the funeral. The widow is within her rights to spend the time after the funeral as she chooses. Besides, if she and the stepchildren don't get along, would they really want to spend more time than they have to with her?
« Last Edit: June 10, 2013, 08:23:56 PM by baglady »
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