Author Topic: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"  (Read 4660 times)

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JeseC

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When receiving an invitation to a wedding where the couple has indicated they would prefer charitable donations to X or Y instead of gifts, what is the proper etiquette.  Does one still get a card, and if so what does on put in it?

guihong

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2013, 10:14:04 AM »
Get a nice card and give your congratulations to the happy couple (incidentally, asking for donations is an etiquette faux pas).  Donate to the cause or not, as you wish.



JeseC

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2013, 10:16:41 AM »
Get a nice card and give your congratulations to the happy couple (incidentally, asking for donations is an etiquette faux pas).  Donate to the cause or not, as you wish.

I do have to say - what wouldn't be a faux pas in the situation where the couple doesn't want gifts?  Do you just have to accept them no matter what?  I've seen "word-of-mouth" proposed, but given that the invites are spread across most of the U.S. and several foreign countries somehow I doubt that would work.

guihong

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2013, 10:37:59 AM »
Yes, you thank the person (by note), and then you're free to do whatever with the gift.  Having "No gifts please" on the invite is technically a boo-boo, but many invitations have that.  I can see how word of mouth wouldn't work in your case, but for a smallish gathering, that's how it's supposed to be done.  The boo-boo is "directing" people how to donate to charity, and linking charity with a wedding.  Prince William got away with it, but he's an exception ;).

(Warning: other threads on this topic have gone down the drain).



shhh its me

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2013, 10:50:48 AM »
   I don't think there is ONE specific right answer to reply when "no gifts/donations" is on an invitation because its never suppose to be there.  Personally I think the explicitly expressing "please don't spend money one us"  is one of the least offensive faux pas a couple can make.  I think a card with a person note of congratulations and "a gift has been made to charity in your names" is fine; If you despise the charities you don't have to donate or mention it on the card.  I think in either case you still give a card.

katycoo

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2013, 10:51:00 AM »
Get a nice card and give your congratulations to the happy couple (incidentally, asking for donations is an etiquette faux pas).  Donate to the cause or not, as you wish.

I do have to say - what wouldn't be a faux pas in the situation where the couple doesn't want gifts?  Do you just have to accept them no matter what?  I've seen "word-of-mouth" proposed, but given that the invites are spread across most of the U.S. and several foreign countries somehow I doubt that would work.

You get what you get. If you wanted to give a physical gift I'd buy from somewhere local to the couple and have it delivered.

peaches

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2013, 10:57:15 AM »
Get a nice card and give your congratulations to the happy couple (incidentally, asking for donations is an etiquette faux pas).  Donate to the cause or not, as you wish.

POD

peaches

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2013, 11:04:55 AM »

I do have to say - what wouldn't be a faux pas in the situation where the couple doesn't want gifts?  Do you just have to accept them no matter what?  I've seen "word-of-mouth" proposed, but given that the invites are spread across most of the U.S. and several foreign countries somehow I doubt that would work.

When a couple says they would prefer charitable donations to X or Y, they aren't saying "no gifts". In fact, they are suggesting a particular gift, and in the invitation. That's not appropriate IMO.

If they do that, you can follow their suggestion or not (just as you can choose a gift from a registry if the couple has one, or not).

Whenever couples try to control gift-giving, they are getting into tricky territory. The gracious thing to do is to accept the gifts that are given.
 
« Last Edit: June 09, 2013, 11:10:25 AM by peaches »

m2kbug

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2013, 11:12:25 AM »
When a charitable donation is asked, are you supposed to donate in the HC's name?  I think it's fine to mention a HC's preferred charity (by word of mouth), but probably inappropriate to tell or expect where people are to put their money.  If you're donating in the couple's name, and you choose a charity they are displeased with, I could see that being a problem as well.


Outdoor Girl

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2013, 11:37:52 AM »
I think etiquette needs to change on 'No gifts, please'.  I don't find anything offensive about that, at all.  Not even the assumption that it would otherwise be a gift giving occasion.

Asking for charitable donations is another matter, though.  If they had a wedding website with a registry list and they put 'Donations to X or Y charities' on the registry, that would be OK.  It is the modern day equivalent to word of mouth, IMO.  And where it gets really sticky is if charities X and Y are not charities a guest is willing to support.  Does the guest then donate to a charity of their own choice that the happy couple may not support?  Or does the guest decline to donate and only give a card?  Or does the guest go against the wishes of the happy couple and buy them a physical gift?  I think I would just give them a cash gift and if they chose to donate it to their charity, so be it.

guihong has it right for what the OP should do, I think.
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YummyMummy66

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #10 on: June 09, 2013, 11:55:28 AM »
I would get them a card regardless congratulating them on their wedding.

If you wish to donate to the charity of their choice, when you make your donation, you state it is for so and so.  They will usually receive a letter in the mail from that charity sharing the donation.  I don't know if they share the amount, but they do let them know there was a donation.  Of course, then you are constantly getting notices from said charity!

My husband donated for a charity for a funeral, per request in lieu of flowers for a co-worker.  We received a copy of the letter sent to his co-worker. (His father passed).  Now, we are always receiving items from said charity.

If it is not a charity of your choice, I would either get the couple a gift or give them a cash gift.

JeseC

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #11 on: June 09, 2013, 01:59:43 PM »
Yes, you thank the person (by note), and then you're free to do whatever with the gift.  Having "No gifts please" on the invite is technically a boo-boo, but many invitations have that.  I can see how word of mouth wouldn't work in your case, but for a smallish gathering, that's how it's supposed to be done.  The boo-boo is "directing" people how to donate to charity, and linking charity with a wedding.  Prince William got away with it, but he's an exception ;).

(Warning: other threads on this topic have gone down the drain).

One more question: if one is doing something associated with the charity but not giving a cash donation, would it be appropriate to enclose a photo in the card?

*inviteseller

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #12 on: June 09, 2013, 02:27:07 PM »
That's nice that they would rather have a charitable donation made then gifts, but it is still asking for something and that is a no no.  If you agree with the charities, you can make a donation, if not, don't. 

TootsNYC

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #13 on: June 09, 2013, 03:04:49 PM »
Get a nice card and give your congratulations to the happy couple (incidentally, asking for donations is an etiquette faux pas).  Donate to the cause or not, as you wish.

I do have to say - what wouldn't be a faux pas in the situation where the couple doesn't want gifts?  Do you just have to accept them no matter what?  I've seen "word-of-mouth" proposed, but given that the invites are spread across most of the U.S. and several foreign countries somehow I doubt that would work.

YES!

I can think of nothing ruder than not accepting a gift. I mean, what would possibly acceptable? Handing it back? Incredibly rude.

When someone is given a gift that they don't want, they simply say "thank you" graciously. And then they do whatever they want with the gift, later, when the giver can't see them donate it or sell it or give it away or toss it.

There is an incredibly narrow window in which it is appropriate to refuse a gift.


As for directing people to charities--Prince William got away with it because he didn't put it in his invitation to his actual guests. It was a press release to the public, who weren't actually invited.

TootsNYC

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Re: One more wedding question - "In lieu of gifts, please donate"
« Reply #14 on: June 09, 2013, 03:06:11 PM »
Now, we are always receiving items from said charity.


Isn't that annoying? It's the thing that has kept me from donating to some causes. I just don't want the junk mail. Sure, I can throw it out, but I don't want the irritation.