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Author Topic: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29  (Read 4837 times)

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Psychopoesie

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? Another question post 29
« Reply #30 on: May 23, 2015, 01:21:20 AM »
Thanks everyone!

I feel better about not moving the party to Sunday.  I know my parents and sis would have been okay with it, and if DH had felt it was important to have his parents there he would have said so.  As it is, he just expressed his surprise at their prior commitment and said "Oh well, so they miss the party."

So we are standing by our Saturday plan and will express polite disappointment that they cannot attend.

Though, I found out FIL will most likely be not attending the BBQ.  It sounds like MIL will be attending with a friend and the nieces.  I don't think FIL will come to DD's party by himself though.

Should I call him and extend an invite for just him to come by if he wants,  in case MIL does not bring it up with him as an option?  Or is that overstepping?

That sounds like something MIL and FIL should be able to work out themselves, without prompting from you.

So I wouldn't call.

lkdrymom

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #31 on: May 23, 2015, 09:02:05 AM »
Stop chasing after these people. That is just what they want. You extended the invite to both of them....you don't need to keep doing that. 

rose red

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #32 on: May 23, 2015, 11:53:02 AM »
Stop chasing after these people. That is just what they want. You extended the invite to both of them....you don't need to keep doing that.

POD a thousand times. Stop twisting yourself to cater them and giving them headspace. They are not more important than you or your other guests. Do what's best for you and your DH/children. It's time they do some work in this relationship instead of demanding you are always the one who need to change plans to fit them.

Idlewildstudios

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #33 on: May 23, 2015, 11:55:45 AM »
Ack!

You're right.  I am a people pleaser, so it's hard for me to stop chasing sometimes.  There's probably a very good chance that MIL won't even tell FIL about DD's party.  But that is between them, not on me, you are correct.

Thank you!

Minmom3

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #34 on: May 23, 2015, 03:16:34 PM »
Just my own 2 - If I'm working 6-7 days a week, 10-12 or more hour days, the LAST thing I'd want to do would be spend my ONE day off with my difficult parents.  I completely sympathize with OP's husbands desire to have that one day a week be just him, his wife and their daughter and nobody else, and I'm really glad OP has kept to the original plan.

I have worked those hours and those days, and by the end of a stretch of it, I'm completely deflated mentally and physically, and I refuse to be around people who are difficult and with whom I can't relax.
Newly widowed, fairly cranky, prone to crying at the drop of a hat.  Newly a MIL; not yet a Grandma.  Keeper of chickens and dispenser of eggs! ;D  Owner of Lard Butt Noelle, kitteh extraordinaire!

wonderfullyanonymous

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #35 on: May 24, 2015, 07:17:42 AM »
What are the chances that MIL accepted this invite, thinking that you would change the party to Sunday?

I agree with the others as well. You gave her a verbal save the date, and she scheduled on her own, this is not your fault.

Surianne

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #36 on: May 24, 2015, 11:26:44 AM »
What are the chances that MIL accepted this invite, thinking that you would change the party to Sunday?

I agree with the others as well. You gave her a verbal save the date, and she scheduled on her own, this is not your fault.

I don't think the mother in law was every aware that the party was Saturday night.  According to the first post in the thread, the OP decided the date early in   the week, and informed the MIL on Thursday, unless I'm reading things incorrectly?  So the MIL did not know about the party's date and time when she RSVPed for the barbecue. 

HannahGrace

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #37 on: May 24, 2015, 11:34:50 AM »
What are the chances that MIL accepted this invite, thinking that you would change the party to Sunday?

I agree with the others as well. You gave her a verbal save the date, and she scheduled on her own, this is not your fault.

I don't think the mother in law was every aware that the party was Saturday night.  According to the first post in the thread, the OP decided the date early in   the week, and informed the MIL on Thursday, unless I'm reading things incorrectly?  So the MIL did not know about the party's date and time when she RSVPed for the barbecue.

That's how I read it. The party was going to be some time this weekend, but the MIL didn't know the exact date until two days before. Surely she wasn't supposed to keep the entire weekend open.

Idlewildstudios

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #38 on: May 24, 2015, 11:41:13 AM »
Just to clarify, I gave MIL just over a weeks notice, not 2 days.  DD's party is next weekend, not this weekend.
Sorry if that wasn't clear :)

And yes, MIL RSVP'd for the BBQ before I called her to confirm the actual day and time.  So she was clear to accept her prior invite since she did not at that time know for sure which day we were having DD's party.  She knew we were having it next weekend, just not which day until I called her on Wednesday. ( I was off a day in my OP)
« Last Edit: May 24, 2015, 11:48:08 AM by Idlewildstudios »

Snooks

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #39 on: May 24, 2015, 11:42:28 AM »
What are the chances that MIL accepted this invite, thinking that you would change the party to Sunday?

I agree with the others as well. You gave her a verbal save the date, and she scheduled on her own, this is not your fault.

I don't think the mother in law was every aware that the party was Saturday night.  According to the first post in the thread, the OP decided the date early in   the week, and informed the MIL on Thursday, unless I'm reading things incorrectly?  So the MIL did not know about the party's date and time when she RSVPed for the barbecue.

That's how I read it. The party was going to be some time this weekend, but the MIL didn't know the exact date until two days before. Surely she wasn't supposed to keep the entire weekend open.

Honestly, I think it doesn't matter because if MIL had that weekend pencilled in for her grand-daughter's birthday and she didn't want to miss out she could pick up the phone and say "Hey Idlewildstudios we've had an invite for a BBQ on Saturday night, have plans been finalised for the party yet?" then Idlewildstudios knows that grandparents aren't available Saturday night or MIL gets told the state of plans and can make a decision based on that.  It's the standard thing of communication solving problems.

gellchom

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #40 on: May 24, 2015, 06:33:20 PM »
What are the chances that MIL accepted this invite, thinking that you would change the party to Sunday?

I agree with the others as well. You gave her a verbal save the date, and she scheduled on her own, this is not your fault.

I don't think the mother in law was every aware that the party was Saturday night.  According to the first post in the thread, the OP decided the date early in   the week, and informed the MIL on Thursday, unless I'm reading things incorrectly?  So the MIL did not know about the party's date and time when she RSVPed for the barbecue.

That's how I read it. The party was going to be some time this weekend, but the MIL didn't know the exact date until two days before. Surely she wasn't supposed to keep the entire weekend open.

Honestly, I think it doesn't matter because if MIL had that weekend pencilled in for her grand-daughter's birthday and she didn't want to miss out she could pick up the phone and say "Hey Idlewildstudios we've had an invite for a BBQ on Saturday night, have plans been finalised for the party yet?" then Idlewildstudios knows that grandparents aren't available Saturday night or MIL gets told the state of plans and can make a decision based on that.  It's the standard thing of communication solving problems.

The bolded says it, in my opinion.  It works both ways: she could've checked to see if a decision had been made, and the OP could've told her as soon as they chose the date rather than waiting.  (I don't know if the BBQ invitation came in the interim, and it doesn't affect the principle anyway, even if it wouldn't have helped in this case.)

It all depends on what's most important to you.  For some people, it is sticking to the schedule that suits their family.  For others, it's more important to have all the grandparents there.  Either is valid, and that's fine, but neither is an excuse to be harsh or punishing about whatever your decision is.  I think the OP is fine keeping the Saturday night party, but I would still tell the in-laws I was sorry I didn't get the date to them sooner and that I regret they won't be there.  How we implement and communicate our decisions can be as important as the decisions themselves.

sammycat

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #41 on: May 24, 2015, 08:00:06 PM »
Honestly, I think it doesn't matter because if MIL had that weekend pencilled in for her grand-daughter's birthday and she didn't want to miss out she could pick up the phone and say "Hey Idlewildstudios we've had an invite for a BBQ on Saturday night, have plans been finalised for the party yet?" then Idlewildstudios knows that grandparents aren't available Saturday night or MIL gets told the state of plans and can make a decision based on that.  It's the standard thing of communication solving problems.

I agree.

JenJay

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #42 on: May 24, 2015, 08:21:07 PM »
I agree with the consensus that you didn't do anything wrong, don't owe an apology, and shouldn't feel bad for refusing to reschedule the party.

I'd like to add that I think, going forward, you should stop being so lenient with MIL's flakiness because obviously she can commit to things in advance, she's just been choosing not to. I'm actually rather annoyed that she expected you to accommodate her schedule when she's never put forth much effort to accommodate yours!
Oregon

sammycat

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Re: Was I rude or hurtful? New question post 29
« Reply #43 on: May 24, 2015, 09:17:40 PM »
I agree with the consensus that you didn't do anything wrong, don't owe an apology, and shouldn't feel bad for refusing to reschedule the party.

I'd like to add that I think, going forward, you should stop being so lenient with MIL's flakiness because obviously she can commit to things in advance, she's just been choosing not to. I'm actually rather annoyed that she expected you to accommodate her schedule when she's never put forth much effort to accommodate yours!

POD.