Author Topic: Sensitive MIL  (Read 10685 times)

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takeheart

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Re: Sensitive MIL
« Reply #45 on: June 24, 2013, 09:31:47 PM »

<snip>
I don't think sickness should be an excuse. Lots of people are sick and manage to behave themselves and not pull drama and guilt trips on their family.

My thoughts exactly.

I think from now on when MIL confronts me with one of her outbursts, I'll respond with something along the lines of, "I don't hate you, but I don't appreciate you approaching me like this," resisting the urge to say what's really on my mind. Then let DH know so he can handle it as he sees fit since she is his mom. When we do visit with each other, I'll keep the conversation to general topics. Maybe at the most we will invite her to lunch or dinner the few times we make plans to go out to eat or randomly text her about DS when he does something outstanding so she does feel a bit more included without me having to go out of my way too much. However, we're not going to completely rearrange our lives to accommodate her.

chibichan

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Re: Sensitive MIL
« Reply #46 on: June 25, 2013, 11:27:17 PM »
Here is my 2 cents ...

I am giving MIL the benefit of the doubt re: age / hormones / medication / chronic pain , etc . Let's say for one moment that she isn't really trying to manipulate or cause drama .

Let's say that she gets in some funky paranoid panic attack where she gets hypersensitive and is convinced that everyone secretly hates her and suddenly ,  little incidents become " proof " that her suspicions are correct .

I would print her out a card ( like a 5x7 or 8x10 ) that says something long the lines of this :

We love you because ____________. List a bunch of things .

We want you in our lives because ___________ . List a bunch of things .

We would never deliberately hurt you by ___________ List a bunch of things .

When you feel unhappy , read this card and know that these things are true .


Give it to her and talk about it . Let her know the card is for her to use when she is doubt or is feeling unloved . If the drama persists , cut her off the the words " MIL , read the card we gave you . There is nothing more we can do to reassure you ."

It's kind of like dealing with a toddler , but it might just work .

The key to avoiding trouble is to learn to recognize it from a distance.

scansons

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Re: Sensitive MIL
« Reply #47 on: June 26, 2013, 10:57:13 AM »
Here is my 2 cents ...

I am giving MIL the benefit of the doubt re: age / hormones / medication / chronic pain , etc . Let's say for one moment that she isn't really trying to manipulate or cause drama .

Let's say that she gets in some funky paranoid panic attack where she gets hypersensitive and is convinced that everyone secretly hates her and suddenly ,  little incidents become " proof " that her suspicions are correct .

I would print her out a card ( like a 5x7 or 8x10 ) that says something long the lines of this :

We love you because ____________. List a bunch of things .

We want you in our lives because ___________ . List a bunch of things .

We would never deliberately hurt you by ___________ List a bunch of things .

When you feel unhappy , read this card and know that these things are true .


Give it to her and talk about it . Let her know the card is for her to use when she is doubt or is feeling unloved . If the drama persists , cut her off the the words " MIL , read the card we gave you . There is nothing more we can do to reassure you ."

It's kind of like dealing with a toddler , but it might just work .

I really like this answer too.  But OP, your husband and BIL would really have to be on board for that to work.  I think if it's just you doing the card, and giving the response, suddenly it would be a bone of contention.  Because the OP's DH still loves her enough to talk to her, but the OP dosen't. 

ladyknight1

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Re: Sensitive MIL
« Reply #48 on: June 26, 2013, 03:12:14 PM »
Communication with your DH is key. Once you have decided how to deal with MIL, then do not deviate from that. Ignore any messages saying "why do you hate me".

I understand living separate lives while living in close proximity, but we get with my PIL for dinner every three months or so. I would establish a regular meeting with her, whether a meal, or time at a park with your DS.

sammycat

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Re: Sensitive MIL
« Reply #49 on: July 05, 2013, 03:20:19 AM »
I would be blunt...let her know you are on to her.  Next time she says "Do you hate me?" Tell her you don't have time to play the "Do you hate me ?" game today. And then drop it.

POD.  I would be sure DH is on board and then let MIL know that you will expect her to act like an adult and if she cannot, you unfortunately cannot be around her. Let her calls go to voicemail, her texts unanswered.  Don't console her.  Let her grow up.

I agree completely. 

I don't have time in my life for manipulative drama queens.

HGolightly

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Re: Sensitive MIL
« Reply #50 on: July 05, 2013, 07:46:48 AM »
What steps/strategies do you and your DH take when your DS throws a tantrum (he is 2 ....they happen)? Pointing out to your DH that if the behaviours are not okay with him when DS acts this way, why is he accepting them from his mom?  This might go a long way to helping him stop enabling the madness.

takeheart

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Re: Sensitive MIL
« Reply #51 on: July 06, 2013, 10:00:01 AM »
What steps/strategies do you and your DH take when your DS throws a tantrum (he is 2 ....they happen)? Pointing out to your DH that if the behaviours are not okay with him when DS acts this way, why is he accepting them from his mom?  This might go a long way to helping him stop enabling the madness.

Whenever DS acts up, we first remove him from the situation and tell him why it's not appropriate or why we want him to stop. If he disregards us, especially when he knows it's wrong, we remove him from the situation completely (e.g. when DS refuses to stop playing with the tub faucets, we physically take him out of the bathroom). If he throws a fit, we let him whine and cry until he realizes he's not going to get his way. Usually by then he comes back to us and asks, "Hug?"

I laughed imagining MIL in DS' shoes, but I understand what you mean--to point out to her that her behavior is unacceptable.