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  • October 22, 2017, 10:11:32 PM

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Author Topic: FIL's unwanted opinions about everything, incl. wed photo, #42, 60, 64, 78  (Read 52977 times)

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SamiHami

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  • No! Iz mai catnip! You no can haz! YOU NO CAN HAZ!
I don't think the OP was out of line to bring it up. As others have said, it is an excellent reminder to him that his words are not forgotten and that he should choose them more carefully. If he doesn't want to be embarrassed by having his past rudeness brought up, perhaps he should stop saying rude things-and apologize sincerely for the ones he has said.

OP, the other thing that troubles me is your comment that he goes through your mail, etc in your home. What do you do when that happens? Do you immediately call him out on it? Does your husband? It shows a continuing pattern of lack of respect. When you/DH find that he has overstepped his boundaries I think it should be made into an issue. Perhaps insisting on having a "family talk" with him and MIL about what being a guest in your home requires, then give him the choice of abiding by your rules or leaving/staying in a hotel. You need to set firm boundaries in your own hyome and be firm that he and MIL abide by them 100% of the time. It is not unreasonable to insist that houseguests respect your privacy and treat you with respect. Especially now that you have LO-you don't want your child growing up thinking it's normal for people to behave the way your IL's do. Better to teach LO that actions have consequences.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

Snooks

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<snip>

OP, the other thing that troubles me is your comment that he goes through your mail, etc in your home. What do you do when that happens? Do you immediately call him out on it? Does your husband? It shows a continuing pattern of lack of respect. When you/DH find that he has overstepped his boundaries I think it should be made into an issue. Perhaps insisting on having a "family talk" with him and MIL about what being a guest in your home requires, then give him the choice of abiding by your rules or leaving/staying in a hotel. You need to set firm boundaries in your own hyome and be firm that he and MIL abide by them 100% of the time. It is not unreasonable to insist that houseguests respect your privacy and treat you with respect. Especially now that you have LO-you don't want your child growing up thinking it's normal for people to behave the way your IL's do. Better to teach LO that actions have consequences.

This one is difficult to balance without looking like you're picking on someone.  If you correct every time there's the risk they'll throw their hands up and say "I can't do anything right", if you take one issue at a time then you feel like Columbo "Just one more thing...".

SamiHami

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  • Posts: 4560
  • No! Iz mai catnip! You no can haz! YOU NO CAN HAZ!
<snip>

OP, the other thing that troubles me is your comment that he goes through your mail, etc in your home. What do you do when that happens? Do you immediately call him out on it? Does your husband? It shows a continuing pattern of lack of respect. When you/DH find that he has overstepped his boundaries I think it should be made into an issue. Perhaps insisting on having a "family talk" with him and MIL about what being a guest in your home requires, then give him the choice of abiding by your rules or leaving/staying in a hotel. You need to set firm boundaries in your own hyome and be firm that he and MIL abide by them 100% of the time. It is not unreasonable to insist that houseguests respect your privacy and treat you with respect. Especially now that you have LO-you don't want your child growing up thinking it's normal for people to behave the way your IL's do. Better to teach LO that actions have consequences.

This one is difficult to balance without looking like you're picking on someone.  If you correct every time there's the risk they'll throw their hands up and say "I can't do anything right", if you take one issue at a time then you feel like Columbo "Just one more thing...".

I get your point, but I don't think it's picking on someone to say, "Hey, when you are a guest in my home you are not to go through our mail."

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

Snooks

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<snip>

OP, the other thing that troubles me is your comment that he goes through your mail, etc in your home. What do you do when that happens? Do you immediately call him out on it? Does your husband? It shows a continuing pattern of lack of respect. When you/DH find that he has overstepped his boundaries I think it should be made into an issue. Perhaps insisting on having a "family talk" with him and MIL about what being a guest in your home requires, then give him the choice of abiding by your rules or leaving/staying in a hotel. You need to set firm boundaries in your own hyome and be firm that he and MIL abide by them 100% of the time. It is not unreasonable to insist that houseguests respect your privacy and treat you with respect. Especially now that you have LO-you don't want your child growing up thinking it's normal for people to behave the way your IL's do. Better to teach LO that actions have consequences.

This one is difficult to balance without looking like you're picking on someone.  If you correct every time there's the risk they'll throw their hands up and say "I can't do anything right", if you take one issue at a time then you feel like Columbo "Just one more thing...".

I get your point, but I don't think it's picking on someone to say, "Hey, when you are a guest in my home you are not to go through our mail."

I totally agree but that's not the only boundary stomping that lorelai's ILs do, there's several threads about them and their behaviour, I was coming at it from that context, meaning, where the heck do you start with people like this?  Because it's "Don't go through the mail, speak in a language everyone understands, don't rename our son..."

AnnaJ

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Quote
I honestly wasn't trying to embarrass him, but I have never gotten over my anger about this incident. I can't decide whether I was being rude or assertive. I said it in the heat of the moment but I said it nicely.

I don't think there's any way to say something rude but nicely and I think this was more rude than assertive, particularly since you said it in front of other people; I'm not sure what 'in the heat of the moment' means, since it doesn't sound as though you and he were arguing at the time.

He looked in SIL's purse?  That's on SIL to deal with.  I can understand the frustration of dealing with someone who is always pushing your boundaries but I think you need to save your push back for when your ILs are actively doing something that affects your family, because it sounds like you need to be at full strength with these two.

Sharnita

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Hmmm, if he goes through your mail I might plant a flier for nursing homes just to give him pause.

Mustard

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Ohhhh, Sharnita; what a naughty idea....

gramma dishes

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Hmmm, if he goes through your mail I might plant a flier for nursing homes just to give him pause.

 ;D

Hillia

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Quote
I honestly wasn't trying to embarrass him, but I have never gotten over my anger about this incident. I can't decide whether I was being rude or assertive. I said it in the heat of the moment but I said it nicely.

I don't think there's any way to say something rude but nicely and I think this was more rude than assertive, particularly since you said it in front of other people; I'm not sure what 'in the heat of the moment' means, since it doesn't sound as though you and he were arguing at the time.

He looked in SIL's purse?  That's on SIL to deal with.  I can understand the frustration of dealing with someone who is always pushing your boundaries but I think you need to save your push back for when your ILs are actively doing something that affects your family, because it sounds like you need to be at full strength with these two.

There is another thread going - the ILs are currently staying with the OP and her family and are doing some amazing boundary stamping and very rude, hurtful things.  If the worst the OP does is say, 'Yeah, remember when you said incredibly mean things about my wedding pictures two years ago?' I think she's holding it together fairly well.

lorelai

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OP here:

The family members who heard me comment have all been victims of FIL's insults and criticisms. SIL actually apologized to me for what FIL said. So I don't feel like they perceived my comments as rude.

As far as FIL? Thinking about it I do think he thought I was rude, as many of you think I was. He doesn't like me instructing him in doing things differently with LO, and he also doesn't like taking things from women. I may have said what I did in a light hearted tone, with a smile, in what I do believe was a "nice" tone, but he was probably thinking 'how dare I, a kid/girl/lesser being, bring up the past and embarrass him?'

I saw the suggestion about apologizing, and even if it may be called for here, I can't bring myself to do it. I don't believe he deserves one after all that he's done. If I apologized, he would say, "don't do it again" just like he did before. I know that may make me seem like a total boor and etiquette-challenged, but I have decided to stand my ground on this. If he ever wants to bring it up with me I can speak later about hurt feelings and am open to bringing up any hurt feelings on his part and acknowledging how my actions made him feel. But there has to be mutual respect and currently, he has none for me. I am open.

I respect all of your opinions, however you sided on this issue!

lkdrymom

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I think what you said was awesome!  There are some people in this world that you just can't deal with politely because they don't understand that. Being blunt is how he is and the only way for him to understand anything. He will always think you rude for standing up for yourself because you are a mere woman. But it will make you feel better that at least you tried. Saying nothing gets you nowhere and makes you feel bad about yourself. 

Wordgeek

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Insofar as this pertains to etiquette, the matter has been well addressed.

Best wishes to the op.


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