She’s got arthritis, and she’s in a lot of pain a lot of the time, and I think that makes her a mean old bat. She’s rude to waiters, rude to family, rude to me. No, I think she'd be a mean old bat even if she were in perfect health. I have fibromyalgia. I'm in pain a lot. It would never occur to me to tell a young woman that since she doesn't have it, she can't possibly know what pain is. Some years ago I went to a wedding where the poor bride's dress didn't fit well; did the pain make me say "That dress makes you look like a stuffed sausage. Geez, honey, couldn't your dressmaker fit that gown properly?" That would have been "honest", but incredibly hurtful and totally unnecessary. So I just kept my mouth shut like a normal polite person and, when asked, praised the beautiful fabric and how it was the perfect shade to set off the bride's dark hair.
Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary? At the minimum, unless at least two of the three are met, then the considered remark doesn't need to be said.
Exactly. Pain does not make bad, hurtful behaviour any less inexcusable.
I hope by now the OP has stopped calling them mom/dad and reverted to their names, and has likewise withdrawn into a very
distant, cooly polite relationship
that does not involve initiating contact unless absolutely necessary. They have shown that they will only mistreat the OP in a close relationship
. Time to back far, far away.