Author Topic: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter  (Read 5965 times)

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seriously?

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Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« on: June 11, 2013, 09:03:13 AM »
Hi, if this is in the wrong place, please move, but I think it spans a few categories!!

I've had problems with my FIL in law in the past..but I am not sure how to link to it.  He is generally socially awkward, clueless and incompetent in general.  Yes, it sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

Here's where it gets weirder...my son has been dating his GF for almost a year.  FIL didn't meet her until about 3 weeks ago.  However, my DD was playing with grandpa's phone and scrolling through is pictures and saw a photo or two of his GF ... they must have come from her FB.  He friended her when my DS started getting serious with her late last year.  I thought that was odd in and of itself...and she laughed it off. (at this time she didn't know about the photos).  So my DD tells her that my Grandpa has pictures of you on his phone last month.  I believe (and rightly so) that girlfriend was freaked out.  I mentioned this to my mother in law and her response was "Oh but he really likes her"  UMMM wait? He NEVER met or SPOKE to her. 

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon.  My  BF and her DD (16) and I were playing a board game.  Her DD told me not only does he follow her on Twitter (as well as facebook friends) BUT he started following some of her FRIENDS (who he does not know)!!!  I am just in shock that any grown man would find this appropriate. But again, he is completely unaware of social norms and acceptable behavior. I promised my BF's DD I would talk to him about it.

So, this Thursday evening we're supposed to have dinner for my DD's 12th birthday. MIL and FIL will both be in attendance. My husband works night shift and will be missing the dinner.  I would like to send an email to my MIL (since he wouldn't even understand if I sent it directly to him) about this and having her talk to him about removing the teenage friends and to stop following them on other social media. 

I know I may hear responses such as "have your DH talk to him/her"...he's aware of the situation and thinks it is bizarre and inappropriate, but I feel that since all of the information was "given" to me, I'm the person who should address it.

Please please can you provide me some thoughts and feedback?

Winterlight

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2013, 09:11:12 AM »
I think you should stay out of it, personally. They can decline to friend/unfriend/block him if they so choose, and you stepping in will not end well.
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To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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kherbert05

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2013, 09:34:10 AM »
Honestly I think you should tell your FIL to knock it off and not friend any of your kids friends. But you should also tell help your kids' friends block him on Facebook. If I was one of the friend's parents I would
a) Have a serious conversation with my kid about friending people and blocking them
b) be reporting him to facebook as a possible creep.
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future

katycoo

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2013, 09:38:50 AM »
I think that particularly the older generation don't really get social media as aren't sure of its boundaries.

I'd be far more concerned about the lack of privacy settings on GF's FB page.

*inviteseller

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #4 on: June 11, 2013, 09:43:59 AM »
I think you need to talk to him now about him friending these girls immediately.  Maybe he is socially clueless, but what he is doing is creepy.  He has pictures of your son's gf?  He is friending your BF's DD and other girls?  If I was a parent of one of these girls I would be seriously angry that some unknown man was friending my teen daughter, and would wonder why he is doing it and possibly come to a horrible conclusion, right or wrong.  I do look in my DD's friend list all the time (she is 18 today) and we talk about older men who befriend young girls they don't know (she has had numerous unknown men try to friend her).  And it is not only FIL you need to talk to about this, but MIL too as she obviously doesn't see what the problem is.  But..I would do it before DD's birthday celebration.  Don't have what could be a bad conversation on what should be a fun day.

Eden

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2013, 09:44:44 AM »
I know a fair number of people who friend friends' friends, kids' friends, etc. I personally don't get it, as I only request friendships with people I care to communicate with, but I don't really think it's that unheard of. I'd let it go unless you learn he's doing something extremely inappropriate. If they friended him they opened themselves up to him having access to them. It's their choice.

jmarvellous

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2013, 10:04:38 AM »
First: I would wait and not bring this up right around a big party. It will put a damper on the occasion and could even cause a scene.  As icky as this is, it doesn't yet seem urgent.

So,  at a time when it could be brought up quietly, privately and in-person, with your partner and both FIL and MIL present,  I would say, "I don't know if you know this, but some teenagers in the family and their friends have confided in me that they are feeling uncomfortable about some of FIL's online behavior.  I agree with them that it feels a bit odd to have an adult who is a stranger to them following them on twitter or Facebook,  or storing their photos on his personal devices. I can't tell you how to use the Internet,  but I do think it would be wise to consider how you'd view another adult man interacting in the same way with DD online. Unfortunately, in today's world, your motivations don't matter very much, so there's no need to justify it. But I would like to ask you to stop."

If he lets you get out that whole spiel,  it will do a few things: Build him up as the responsible adult, take away any claim that you are accusing him directly,  and put the onus on him to act. It avoids directly telling who "told on" him or telling him what YOU think of his behavior and allows him to reconsider without going on the defensive.

Personally,  this sounds creepy and uncomfortable to talk about.  You have my best wishes!

Miss Unleaded

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2013, 10:11:21 AM »
I know a fair number of people who friend friends' friends, kids' friends, etc. I personally don't get it, as I only request friendships with people I care to communicate with, but I don't really think it's that unheard of. I'd let it go unless you learn he's doing something extremely inappropriate. If they friended him they opened themselves up to him having access to them. It's their choice.

I'd be really curious to know if he's friending everyone he knows and their friends as well or if he is only friending the ones who are young and female.

I can see a socially clueless person friending people on FB due to a vague connection, but I can also see that this behaviour could be really creepy as well.  And putting FB photos onto his phone?  I think that's pretty dodgy with someone you've never met in person and only have a tangential acquaintance with.

Judah

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #8 on: June 11, 2013, 10:15:06 AM »
FIL may have made the friend requests, but the teenagers accepted them. If they didn't want to be "friends", why did they friend him? If these kids are minors, it's really on their parents to set the boundaries and talk to their kids about online safety.
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YummyMummy66

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2013, 10:16:10 AM »
Personally, I would not say anything.

As others have said, your FIL can be blocked and no one has to friend anyone on FB.  If you do, then that is your choice.

But, like another poster stated, my concern would be is your FIL only following young females or both genders of the younger generation?   If just females, my "creep" factor goes off. 

And no matter who knows the dirt or who it was addressed to, your dh is the one who is should be talking to his parents.

Roodabega

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2013, 10:38:51 AM »
I just wanted to address following vs friending.  The FIL can follow someone without being their friend.  It would allow him to see public posts as well as pictures that are public.  So it may not be a "well they friended him so they have to accept what he can see".  It's more they should check their security to see what the public can see of their page.

menley

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #11 on: June 11, 2013, 10:41:28 AM »
FIL may have made the friend requests, but the teenagers accepted them. If they didn't want to be "friends", why did they friend him? If these kids are minors, it's really on their parents to set the boundaries and talk to their kids about online safety.

I was just wondering the same thing! I've had friends' fathers send me a friend request before (and they were not close friends - one of them was a girl I knew from high school, 12 years ago, and I haven't seen her since) and simply deleted the request. Of course, I'm now in my thirties and I know that I can do that. Perhaps these teens feel an implied pressure because it's a parental or authority figure. But if that's the case, I think the best thing the OP can do is urge the teens that they don't have to, and shouldn't, accept friend requests from people they don't know.

MrTango

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #12 on: June 11, 2013, 11:09:10 AM »
FIL may have made the friend requests, but the teenagers accepted them. If they didn't want to be "friends", why did they friend him? If these kids are minors, it's really on their parents to set the boundaries and talk to their kids about online safety.

I was just wondering the same thing! I've had friends' fathers send me a friend request before (and they were not close friends - one of them was a girl I knew from high school, 12 years ago, and I haven't seen her since) and simply deleted the request. Of course, I'm now in my thirties and I know that I can do that. Perhaps these teens feel an implied pressure because it's a parental or authority figure. But if that's the case, I think the best thing the OP can do is urge the teens that they don't have to, and shouldn't, accept friend requests from people they don't know.

I'd go one step further: They don't even have to accept a friend request from someone they do know unless they actually want to accept the request (with the exception of a parent mandating that their minor child list them as a friend on FB).

cwm

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #13 on: June 11, 2013, 11:58:09 AM »
I know my FB is locked down so tightly that most people can't even search for me. Other people that I have friended are locked down so they can't see a lot of my stuff. It's saved me a lot of hassle from strangers, so I've never really had to deal with random people following or friending me unless I let them.

Honestly, though, your daughter's birthday dinner isn't a good place to discuss this. You need to get your DH on board and find a day when he's not working and sit down with MIL and FIL and explain exactly why some people might think it's in appropriate. Don't judge, don't blame, and don't accuse him of anything, just lay out what he's been doing and why it could be seen as being creepy or bizarre. Try to do it without being judgemental. He may honestly not understand why what he's doing is not considered normal, and may completely change once he sees things from another perspective.

hobish

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Re: Father in Law--Facebook and Twitter
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2013, 12:07:33 PM »
I think you should stay out of it, personally. They can decline to friend/unfriend/block him if they so choose, and you stepping in will not end well.

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