Author Topic: Breaking the News  (Read 7895 times)

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AllGoodThings

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Re: Breaking the News
« Reply #15 on: June 12, 2013, 11:21:24 PM »
I wouldn't bring up money at all as that would open the door to her offering to pay. Just let her know that Christmas at home is not possible this year.

Judah

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Re: Breaking the News
« Reply #16 on: June 13, 2013, 03:16:09 PM »
Just tell her. "Mom, I've decided I'm going to spend Christmas with Dad's side of the family this year. You get me every year, and I haven't seen them in years. I'm looking forward to seeing them, since it's been so long."

But this isn't accurate--the OP is seeing dad's family at Tgiving, which uses up her $$.

So I'd say, "Mom, I can't swing the trip home--I don't have the money or the time."

And don't talk to her about "hate to ask for coverage"--just tell her you CAN'T. Don't even hint that any other decision is even possible.

And if she ever starts to lament that you won't be there, don't pooh-pooh her, but say, "yeah, it stinks, I'm bummed too. Maybe next year it'll work out. Are you decorating the house differently this year? What time of day should I call? Do you think we should try to work out Skype so I can talk to everyone? Do you have a speakerphone?"

Oy! I totally misread the OP.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

-The Car Talk Guys

bopper

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Re: Breaking the News
« Reply #17 on: June 27, 2013, 03:15:51 PM »
Also add when you will see her next.
"...so I will miss you guys but plan to see you next Christmas/Thanksgiving"





JoyinVirginia

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Re: Breaking the News
« Reply #18 on: July 01, 2013, 01:42:44 PM »
I agree with prior posters to focus on work/research commitment, others have covered for you in past, this year you have to be in lab every day, no one to cover.  That is how my work is, we are deciding who will be going on vacation when for rest of year, and who will do coverage when someone else is out

mbbored

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Re: Breaking the News
« Reply #19 on: July 02, 2013, 06:54:11 PM »
Thanks for the advice, everybody! She's sad but handling it well. I'll ship presents, which I always do, and Skype in for the present opening.

The surprising part of the events is when my siblings found out I wouldn't be home for Christmas but I'd be going to Grandma's for Thanksgiving is that they all changed their Thanksgiving plans to meet me there (car trip distance for them.) We aren't always the greatest at staying in touch but it's so nice to feel loved

White Lotus

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Re: Breaking the News
« Reply #20 on: July 03, 2013, 05:04:54 PM »
Go with the work.  Anything else leads to a JADE.  Just can't be done.  You have TG off and have plans with your elderly grandmother already, and you must work over the winter break.  Repeat as needed. 

gmatoy

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Re: Breaking the News
« Reply #21 on: July 10, 2013, 06:29:13 PM »
Thanks for the advice, everybody! She's sad but handling it well. I'll ship presents, which I always do, and Skype in for the present opening.

The surprising part of the events is when my siblings found out I wouldn't be home for Christmas but I'd be going to Grandma's for Thanksgiving is that they all changed their Thanksgiving plans to meet me there (car trip distance for them.) We aren't always the greatest at staying in touch but it's so nice to feel loved

I love a happy ending! Glad that your siblings are making an effort and that you feel loved!

Mikayla

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Re: Breaking the News
« Reply #22 on: July 14, 2013, 02:55:42 PM »
Thanks for the advice, everybody! She's sad but handling it well. I'll ship presents, which I always do, and Skype in for the present opening.

The surprising part of the events is when my siblings found out I wouldn't be home for Christmas but I'd be going to Grandma's for Thanksgiving is that they all changed their Thanksgiving plans to meet me there (car trip distance for them.) We aren't always the greatest at staying in touch but it's so nice to feel loved

Awesome ending!

Also, on the "softening the blow" aspect, I think the important part here is that your mom may need to develop new expectations about you -- the single person -- being the one to travel great distance every single year.  I went through this myself.

For example, just because you're in a 2 bedroom condo right now doesn't mean that in 18 months, when you're "due" for a Christmas visit, it's out of the question that you'd  be in a serious relationship and sharing a house.  Something major might be ongoing with career or studies. 

So it's about an attitude adjustment.  Some parents need time for this; others (like mine) respond better to hitting it head-on.  I did this with a heartfelt but direct email, confirming how much I love "Christmas with the family", but if I can't do it, then they need to accept this at face value.  Applying pressure won't change the result, and it just creates awkwardness.