Birth announcement - a week afterward?

[MrTango]

A close friend of mine and his wife are expecting and they mentioned that they had an idea of how and when to announce the baby's birth.

Their idea is to wait until at least a full week after their baby is born to notify anyone.  Their logic is that this way, they get that time as a family to bond with the baby and recover without having to deal with visitors.  Once they're home fom the hospital with the baby and they've had a few days, they'll call people (starting with their parents) and deliver the happy news.

The only reason they told me about this plan is because they asked if we could feed their cats while they're in the hospital.

My feeling about this is that it's entirely up to the parents to determine who to notify and when to notify them of a baby's birth, but I'm wondering what others think.  Specifically, if your adult child was expecting, would you be upset if no one called to let you know about the labor & delivery until a week later?

[amylouky]

Yes, I'd be upset, but that doesn't mean they don't have the right to do it. Their family, their choice.

[LeveeWoman]

I'd be a bit miffed, but it's not my body or baby.

[Cz. Burrito]

For acquaintances, friends you don't see often, coworkers, and distant family...I think it's completely fine to wait a week.  I think parents, siblings, grandparents, and close friends should be told within a day or so of the birth, but only if they are people you can trust to respect the "No visitors until X day" preference.  If they won't respect the decision to have some alone time after the birth, then I don't think they've earned the right to be notified right away.

[lowspark]

So when they say they aren't going to notify anyone, they include the grandparents-to-be in this? Wow. I think that says a lot about their re-lationship with their parents.

Yeah, I'd be shocked and hurt if my kids did that to me. However, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't. Not to mention, I'm in regular enough contact with them (mutually) that we wouldn't just go a week without communicating somehow (email, text or talking), especaially if they were imminently due to have a baby!

[Pen^2]

I don't see anything wrong with putting off the announcement per se... in this instance, I find it odd that they'll tell you over their own parents (cats aside), but it's their family, so good luck to them.

My husband almost died when he was born, and was in hospital for a while afterwards. There was no announcement because they honestly didn't know if he'd survive and they were spending all their time at the hospital anyway, and couldn't contact people easily (this was in the ancient and semi-mythical pre mobile phone era: PMP). So no-one else really knew for about a fortnight. It's just the way it was, and when you've just given birth and find out that your baby is probably about to die, I don't think you can blame the parents for prioritising things the way they did: choosing to spend time with their newborn son and the doctors over time with their siblings.

This is different, though. They're planning on not telling people purely for their own convenience. I can understand where they're coming from--who needs hundreds of visitors when mother is exhausted from having a baby explode out of her in slow motion? But I think it would be nicer to maybe say something more like, "baby was born, hooray! Name, date and time, weight, gender. Mother and baby are very worn-out, so thank you for waiting a few days before visiting to give them time to recover."

But I don't know this couple. Maybe they have a lot of pushy or even toxic relatives who would very happily gate-crash the hospital room and be overbearing and taxing. In that case, this might be warranted.

[Jones]

This is genius. I've never heard of such a thing before, but I can definitely see the upside to it!

[cwm]

When my sister was expecting, we had a family meeting as to who would be told what, when, and how. She had a list of who she wanted at the hospital (five people), who could be told same-day (five more people, by text message or phone call only), and everyone else could wait until she was home and settled before they knew the details.

It ended up being that she didn't wait long enough, as my niece wasn't very well at first and had to spent nearly all day every day on a bili-bed. Sis wasn't sleeping well, the kid wasn't sleeping well, and as soon as the announcement went out, sis got innundated with phone calls and text messages and people stopping by. They'd want to see the baby, who really did need to be left alone on the bili-bed, or the phone would wake the baby or my sister and she wasn't getting any real rest at all. My mom ended up sending out an email that mother and baby were doing as well as could be expected, but to PLEASE leave them alone until further notice. She got called rude. She took my sister's phone away and screened calls, lived in with her to help take care of the baby and be the mean one to turn people away, and my sister was miserable.

If this family wants to wait a week to announce the birth, that's their decision. I'm firmly supportive of them. And if they later decide that a week isn't enough time, then that's fine too. It's their child, it's their lives being disrupted, they have every right to spread the word when and how they feel comfortable.

[bah12]

As a family member, I would be hurt.  But my family is extremely close and we don't feel burdened by each other's presence.  We also know when to give each other space.  So, this, for me, would communicate that I am not trusted to honor the family time they desire to have.  And I would feel that I am a burden by being excited for the new baby.

However, those would be my feelings and my feelings don't make what this family is doing wrong. I can actually see the logic behind the desire to wait a week before letting anyone know that the baby has arrived.

I do wonder about the practicality and reality of pulling this off.  If the family isn't constantly in touch, I can see where it could work.  But in my family, it would be too difficult.  We like to visit each other at least every couple of weeks and we call regularly.  Especially close to my due date, as well as close to all of my sister's due dates, we were constatly in touch.  I can't imagine how I could have hidden some time in the hospital and later a baby in my home effectively.

[StuffedGrapeLeaves]

I can actually see the upside of this.  We told the grandparents right away and other people a day after, and we were also inundated with calls, e-mails, etc.  My DS also ended up back in the hospital a couple of days after we brought him home, and it was very stressful.  It would have been nice to wait a week before dealing with everyone else.

MrTango, do you know whether they have a close relationship with their families?  Perhaps suggest to them that they should at least tell close family members (e.g., the grandparents) right away, but wait on everyone else, especially if the grandparents can be helpful and can respect boundaries. 

[NyaChan]

I think my immediate family would rather be notified about a birth in our close family, even if it were only a text, and told not to contact the parents until they call us than to be unaware for that week.  But then again, I would be hard pressed not to text "Congratulations!" or some such thing back (only if the notification was directly to my phone though) which would be violating the no contact rule so maybe this couple isn't so far off after all.

[MrTango]

I can actually see the upside of this.  We told the grandparents right away and other people a day after, and we were also inundated with calls, e-mails, etc.  My DS also ended up back in the hospital a couple of days after we brought him home, and it was very stressful.  It would have been nice to wait a week before dealing with everyone else.

MrTango, do you know whether they have a close relationship with their families?  Perhaps suggest to them that they should at least tell close family members (e.g., the grandparents) right away, but wait on everyone else, especially if the grandparents can be helpful and can respect boundaries.

OP here:

I do know their parents, and though they didn't say as much, I think the bolded is likely their concern.

His mother is somewhat pushy, but I really believe her intentions are in the right place.  She would be constantly offering help cooking, cleaning, taking care of shopping, etc.  If they declined, she'd respect that, but her constant offers to help would stress my friends out.

Her mother, on the other hand, is pushy, overbearing, and manipulative.  My friends can handle being around her in small doses, but I doubt they'd be able to handle her that soon after the birth.

*fixed the bolding

[WillyNilly]

I have never understood people - friends or cousins, etc - who go to the hospital to visit after a baby is born. It has always struck me as such a selfish cruel unloving thing to do - its only about the visitors desire to see the baby and fails to respect the new parents. To me, it just seems like such a personal, and exhausting, and overwhelming time. These days I might send a text or FB message, in the past I'd drop a card in the mail to be waiting for them when they got home, but I wait until the people are home to call and certainly to visit.

If I have been caring and supportive and interested prior to the actual birth, I never thought people would consider me uncaring for not immediately rushing out to see them. 

I definitely think with over-bearing parents, this couple has the right idea. Their pushy moms created a situation where they have been deemed "stressful" and "unwelcome" - now they can bear the burden of that reputation.

[demarco]

This is genius. I've never heard of such a thing before, but I can definitely see the upside to it!

I can see the upside, too.  I don't know about a whole week and it depends on the family situation but postponing notification at least until you are home from the hospital might be a very good idea in some cases. 

[LeveeWoman]

I can actually see the upside of this.  We told the grandparents right away and other people a day after, and we were also inundated with calls, e-mails, etc.  My DS also ended up back in the hospital a couple of days after we brought him home, and it was very stressful.  It would have been nice to wait a week before dealing with everyone else.

MrTango, do you know whether they have a close relationship with their families?  Perhaps suggest to them that they should at least tell close family members (e.g., the grandparents) right away, but wait on everyone else, especially if the grandparents can be helpful and can respect boundaries.

OP here:

I do know their parents, and though they didn't say as much, I think the bolded is likely their concern.

His mother is somewhat pushy, but I really believe her intentions are in the right place.  She would be constantly offering help cooking, cleaning, taking care of shopping, etc.  If they declined, she'd respect that, but her constant offers to help would stress my friends out.

Her mother, on the other hand, is pushy, overbearing, and manipulative.  My friends can handle being around her in small doses, but I doubt they'd be able to handle her that soon after the birth.

*fixed the bolding

Good boundaries.