Author Topic: Birth announcement - a week afterward?  (Read 11508 times)

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mime

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #15 on: June 12, 2013, 11:56:42 AM »
My baby is due this Sunday. Only the grandparents and my brother will be welcomed during the first week. Those five people would be extremely hurt, and rightfully so given the nature of our relationships if we waited a week before letting them know the baby had arrived. In my case, I want their presence and support during that time. Not anyone else. We know from experience that these wishes will be respected.

The OP's friends' relationship with their own parents/family/friends could be very different from that, though. If the grandparents-to-be have a history of trampling boundaries (and I see that was confirmed as I was writing this), then I can understand the absolute need to take measures to reserve a week of private family time before letting anyone else know. They need to do what is best for their health/sanity and their family above the wishes and even the feelings of anyone else whose lives will not suddenly be turned upside-down once the baby is born.


TeamBhakta

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #16 on: June 12, 2013, 11:59:27 AM »
I don't see anything wrong with it. Heck, people on one of my other boards sometimes do that with their births; it's easier than "Oh, wow. You stopped by. Uninvited. Our first week home. And you want snacks. And now I have to put on nicer, less comfy clothes & play hostess...." I'm hoping to do the same if I have kids, since I cannot stand people coming and going, trying to be overly helpful, etc when I'm feeling under the weather
« Last Edit: June 12, 2013, 12:01:21 PM by TeamBhakta »

Pen^2

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #17 on: June 12, 2013, 12:04:57 PM »
I can actually see the upside of this.  We told the grandparents right away and other people a day after, and we were also inundated with calls, e-mails, etc.  My DS also ended up back in the hospital a couple of days after we brought him home, and it was very stressful.  It would have been nice to wait a week before dealing with everyone else.

MrTango, do you know whether they have a close relationship with their families?  Perhaps suggest to them that they should at least tell close family members (e.g., the grandparents) right away, but wait on everyone else, especially if the grandparents can be helpful and can respect boundaries.

OP here:

I do know their parents, and though they didn't say as much, I think the bolded is likely their concern.

His mother is somewhat pushy, but I really believe her intentions are in the right place.  She would be constantly offering help cooking, cleaning, taking care of shopping, etc.  If they declined, she'd respect that, but her constant offers to help would stress my friends out.

Her mother, on the other hand, is pushy, overbearing, and manipulative.  My friends can handle being around her in small doses, but I doubt they'd be able to handle her that soon after the birth.

*fixed the bolding

In that case, this seems quite reasonable. It's their pregnancy and their child; if the grandparents are going to make things difficult for them, then they can exercise their right to tell them when the mother and child have recovered some of their health and are better able to cope.

lowspark

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #18 on: June 12, 2013, 12:10:07 PM »
I have never understood people - friends or cousins, etc - who go to the hospital to visit after a baby is born. It has always struck me as such a selfish cruel unloving thing to do - its only about the visitors desire to see the baby and fails to respect the new parents. To me, it just seems like such a personal, and exhausting, and overwhelming time. These days I might send a text or FB message, in the past I'd drop a card in the mail to be waiting for them when they got home, but I wait until the people are home to call and certainly to visit.

If I have been caring and supportive and interested prior to the actual birth, I never thought people would consider me uncaring for not immediately rushing out to see them. 

I definitely think with over-bearing parents, this couple has the right idea. Their pushy moms created a situation where they have been deemed "stressful" and "unwelcome" - now they can bear the burden of that reputation.

I think this is totally a know-your-audience kind of thing. When I had my babies, because they were c-sections, I was in the hospital for about 4 days. I was thrilled to have visitors after the first day, and in fact, my best friend was even there while I was in labor and I was glad to have her as a distraction - at least part of the time.

I can really understand people who don't feel the way I did, but I don't think you can make a blanket statement that everyone feels one way or the other. Which really means that you ought to just ask the Mom (or dad or whoever is close enough to know) if they want visitors or not and act accordingly.

But in fact, I think that's true for anyone in the hospital. A friend of mine just recently had a bad fall which required surgery on her arm and she was in the hospital for a couple of days. Another friend (closer than I) emailed a bunch of us to let us know. I made sure with that friend (who made sure with injured-friend) that she wanted visitors before I just dropped in.

NyaChan

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #19 on: June 12, 2013, 12:13:21 PM »
I have never understood people - friends or cousins, etc - who go to the hospital to visit after a baby is born. It has always struck me as such a selfish cruel unloving thing to do - its only about the visitors desire to see the baby and fails to respect the new parents. To me, it just seems like such a personal, and exhausting, and overwhelming time.

The thing is, it isn't like that for everyone though.  We visit people in the hospital because it is expected of us and we care about those people, not because we are trying to satisfy some selfish desire to see the child.  It is customary in our family and in our community unless someone decides not to have visitors - asking first is a must!  I think the difference is that for some people, when they are exhausted or overwhelmed, the presence of family or close friends is a comfort not a hindrance.  It isn't that way for everyone of course, especially if there are relationship issues like the couple here, but when people ask to visit, not having been told they aren't welcome, it is often because they don't automatically think it is an imposition.  Not everyone shows up demanding to be served you know - when I visited a family friend in the hospital after her third child, I held the baby and gave a gift within 5 minutes and then took the other two kids out of the room for a walk to the cafeteria and gift shop so she and her husband could have some time to relax. 

WillyNilly

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #20 on: June 12, 2013, 12:14:10 PM »
^ I was talking about people who just show up. "Oh Nancy had the baby?  I'll head over there as soon as I'm done with work!" Or people who aren't sure close - when DH was still just a boyfriend his friend's wife had a baby. I had met the friend about a dozen times the wife once. DH-then-BF invited me to come with him to the hospital, I declined... but many other sort of random folks didn't (I know the wife much better now, and she' mentioned it).

Basically I see it as an "invite" situation. now with some relationships the 'invite' is just an expectation, but my point is random, not super close, not best friends, etc who show up.
« Last Edit: June 12, 2013, 12:15:54 PM by WillyNilly »

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #21 on: June 12, 2013, 12:15:37 PM »
My mental picture of a baby arrival is that the parents (or designated relative) are so elated that they can't wait to share the news, post photos, etc. However, if there are people who will turn the happy event into a stressful, exhausting experience, you do what you have to do to protect yourself.

One of my most cherished memories is the phone call I got from my father informing me of the birth of my niece.  I would've been very hurt if the news had been withheld from me for a week. 
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

Deetee

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #22 on: June 12, 2013, 12:17:15 PM »
I can totally get behind not wanting visitors. (Well not personally as I was " hosting" dinners for 10 a couple days after) But I was also good with leaving them to fend for themselves) I can't understand not telling anyone for a week. It seems so cold. For the sake of family relations, I would strongly suggest that you make the announcement and mention no visits. Then don't answer the phone or the door. That's fine.


TootsNYC

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #23 on: June 12, 2013, 12:25:29 PM »
I would be hurt not to be notified, but I'd also be OK with it.

The *biggest* reason I'd be hurt is that I think I *can* say, "Do you want me to come over? Shall I some see you guys in the hospital, or is that overwhelming?"

And I'd be hurt because they'd be deliberately shutting me out of one of their most joyous moments, and I'd worry that they didn't love me, or that they felt they needed to protect themselves from me.

However, if I were a pushy person, I'd be even MORE upset, because--well, I'd be pushy and have no sense of boundaries, right?


I got descended upon with Kid No. 1--I looked up during visiting hours, and there were 25 people in my room, no joke. All people I loved and whose presence was perfectly appropriate, but it was all of them, all at once! (C-section, so I was in there for a few days)

For Kid No. 2, esp. since it was a premature birth, I told my MIL that she could *tell* people in the family, but that nobody was to visit. (Another C-section, so again, in there a few days, but not really comfortable.) Well, *she* could visit, but not the other people.

But I could *trust* her, and I could *trust* the other relatives, to respect the boundaries I had set. I could say, "well, come and meet the baby, but then go home," and she'd do it.

If you can't trust people to respect your boundaries, then I think you'd have to almost flat-out lie to them. Which is too bad. (and there you go--respect preserves honesty; lack of respect destroys it)

Sharnita

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #24 on: June 12, 2013, 12:31:54 PM »
Do they normally go week at a time without communicating with family/ friends?If so then I think the plan works. Ortherwise it seems like they go unexpectedly silemt and worry people or outright lie when they do talk to people. Eithet could have a damaging impact on relationships.

StuffedGrapeLeaves

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #25 on: June 12, 2013, 12:34:59 PM »
I can actually see the upside of this.  We told the grandparents right away and other people a day after, and we were also inundated with calls, e-mails, etc.  My DS also ended up back in the hospital a couple of days after we brought him home, and it was very stressful.  It would have been nice to wait a week before dealing with everyone else.

MrTango, do you know whether they have a close relationship with their families?  Perhaps suggest to them that they should at least tell close family members (e.g., the grandparents) right away, but wait on everyone else, especially if the grandparents can be helpful and can respect boundaries.

OP here:

I do know their parents, and though they didn't say as much, I think the bolded is likely their concern.

His mother is somewhat pushy, but I really believe her intentions are in the right place.  She would be constantly offering help cooking, cleaning, taking care of shopping, etc.  If they declined, she'd respect that, but her constant offers to help would stress my friends out.

Her mother, on the other hand, is pushy, overbearing, and manipulative.  My friends can handle being around her in small doses, but I doubt they'd be able to handle her that soon after the birth.

*fixed the bolding

In this case I can see why they would want to wait.  I hope they have their spines nice and strong, because they are going to continue to need them with parents like these.

MrTango

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #26 on: June 12, 2013, 12:38:45 PM »
Do they normally go week at a time without communicating with family/ friends?If so then I think the plan works. Ortherwise it seems like they go unexpectedly silemt and worry people or outright lie when they do talk to people. Eithet could have a damaging impact on relationships.

I don't know if they've considered this.  The next time I talk with my friends, I'll point that out and let them decide what they think is best.

QueenfaninCA

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #27 on: June 12, 2013, 12:47:49 PM »
Do they normally go week at a time without communicating with family/ friends?If so then I think the plan works. Ortherwise it seems like they go unexpectedly silemt and worry people or outright lie when they do talk to people. Eithet could have a damaging impact on relationships.

POD. I think it's close to impossible to keep this secret for a week especially if the relatives know the due date and the baby is not way early.

Eeep!

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #28 on: June 12, 2013, 01:02:05 PM »
Do they normally go week at a time without communicating with family/ friends?If so then I think the plan works. Ortherwise it seems like they go unexpectedly silemt and worry people or outright lie when they do talk to people. Eithet could have a damaging impact on relationships.

POD. I think it's close to impossible to keep this secret for a week especially if the relatives know the due date and the baby is not way early.

I agree that I think this would only work if no one knew the due date either. Because I have heard that pretty much as soon as you hit your due date, or even a bit before, people start asking you if you had your baby yet. (Both my boys were early so I was saved this phenomenon but I had friends who went through it.)  Even if the people are well meaning, not nosy, they will still probably get "how are you holding up?" type questions. So either they will have to ignore all of them - which might cause people concern. Or lie. Which is kind of awkward.  Especially if the mom is the type to ask to help, etc., I really doubt she would let the due date pass without saying anything. (Again, not necessarily from a bad place.)
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Oh Joy

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Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
« Reply #29 on: June 12, 2013, 01:12:31 PM »
Do they normally go week at a time without communicating with family/ friends?If so then I think the plan works. Ortherwise it seems like they go unexpectedly silemt and worry people or outright lie when they do talk to people. Eithet could have a damaging impact on relationships.

I don't know if they've considered this.  The next time I talk with my friends, I'll point that out and let them decide what they think is best.

Every family is different and I totally respect privacy after childbirth (I have two little ones myself) but it's the medical aspect that makes me a bit uncomfortable with the plan.

Dear loved ones-

We have a major medical event coming up for two of our family members in the next few weeks.  It's completely natural and usually has a very positive outcome, but there are risks.  Whenever it happens, we're going to stop communicating with everyone for a week.  If we stop answering our phones and updating Facebook, please don't keep trying to reach us or come over.  We'll tell you if we're OK when we're ready.

-Us


That doesn't quite sit right with me.  I can think of other approaches that assure family, for example, that we will let them know if there are complications, but share that they are asking for privacy through this transition.

But, again, every family is different.