Birth announcement - a week afterward?

[magician5]

It might grate on me a little, but I think the issue is "do they feel I'm one of those family members who won't take 'no' for an answer?" Maybe a blanket 'everybody-or-nobody' policy is best to defend one's most precious time.

I wonder: would the people who get most upset be the same people who most need to be on the 'wait to tell 'em' list? And if you can be trusted to let them have a week's peace, can you guarantee that you won't be tempted to spill the news to someone they wouldn't have told?

[TootsNYC]

I see your point, but note this probable edit in *meaning*:

Every family is different and I totally respect privacy after childbirth (I have two little ones myself) but it's the medical aspect that makes me a bit uncomfortable with the plan.

Dear loved ones-

We have a major medical event coming up for two of our family members in the next few weeks.  It's completely natural and usually has a very positive outcome, but there are risks.  Whenever it happens, we're going to stop communicating with everyone for a week. If something does go wrong, we will of course be in touch immediately. However, if all proceeds safely, we will not contact you. If we stop answering our phones and updating Facebook, please don't keep trying to reach us or come over.  We'll tell you if we're OK when we're ready.

-Us

That doesn't quite sit right with me.  I can think of other approaches that assure family, for example, that we will let them know if there are complications, but share that they are asking for privacy through this transition.

But, again, every family is different.

No news is good news.

(and I keep bringing this back to my own reaction, and I would want to know. Just know. I would want to be told. But of course, *I* would not go to the hospital or the house, etc. And I wouldn't call. But I'd be stalking their Facebook page!)

It might grate on me a little, but I think the issue is "do they feel I'm one of those family members who won't take 'no' for an answer?" Maybe a blanket 'everybody-or-nobody' policy is best to defend one's most precious time.

I wonder: would the people who get most upset be the same people who most need to be on the 'wait to tell 'em' list?

I think so! And if I were the person being excluded under an "everybody or nobody" policy, I'd like to have it explained to me, in confidence. It would keep me from being less hurt, and then I could also help "manage" the other grandma by modeling an accepting behavior.

[TeamBhakta]

I think so! And if I were the person being excluded under an "everybody or nobody" policy, I'd like to have it explained to me, in confidence. It would keep me from being less hurt, and then I could also help "manage" the other grandma by modeling an accepting behavior.

Here's the thing, though: people who need to be told "you're (one of) the reason(s)" will say to the expecting parents "I'm just being helpful. Clearly you can't appreciate my big heart / awesomeness / Mary Poppins bag of parenting wisdom (Now I must figure out another way to weasel around your request. Or pout and act butt hurt, until you feel the birth is all about meeee.)"

[TootsNYC]

I think so! And if I were the person being excluded under an "everybody or nobody" policy, I'd like to have it explained to me, in confidence. It would keep me from being less hurt, and then I could also help "manage" the other grandma by modeling an accepting behavior.

Here's the thing, though: people who need to be told "you're (one of) the reason(s)" will say to the expecting parents "I'm just being helpful. Clearly you can't appreciate my big heart / awesomeness / Mary Poppins bag of parenting wisdom (Now I must figure out another way to weasel around your request. Or pout and act butt hurt, until you feel the birth is all about meeee.)"

No, no--I mean, I'm the *reasonable* grandma, who is being excluded because they don't want to play favorites ("everybody or nobody"), and so I'd like to be told, "we aren't going to have any of the grandmas because it's just too difficult w/ the other grandma, so please help us by not kicking up a fuss"--Or, maybe, just "we're just going to exclude everybody" and then I can draw my own conclusions, but I don't feel as personally hurt.
  Then I could switch into "helpful" mode and view my staying away as "helping them w/ family difficulties." And if the other grandma whined, I could say, "yes, it was a bit disappointing, but what a wonderful little time they had, as a new family!" to sort of indicate how reasonable I thought it was.

[Secret]

"I think this is totally a know-your-audience kind of thing. When I had my babies, because they were c-sections, I was in the hospital for about 4 days. I was thrilled to have visitors after the first day, and in fact, my best friend was even there while I was in labor and I was glad to have her as a distraction - at least part of the time."

I totally agree with this!  The same thing happened to me.  Visting hours would come and go and I'd be like, "People come visit!"  But when I got home, the adjustment and the increased getting out of bed for midnight feedings and care  and post surgery issues took a toll and I really did not want visitors. 

However, I explained this to my husband that I preferred to have  visitiors in the hospital rather than coming to our house in the week or 2 after and he completely disagrees with me.

[TeamBhakta]

I think so! And if I were the person being excluded under an "everybody or nobody" policy, I'd like to have it explained to me, in confidence. It would keep me from being less hurt, and then I could also help "manage" the other grandma by modeling an accepting behavior.

Here's the thing, though: people who need to be told "you're (one of) the reason(s)" will say to the expecting parents "I'm just being helpful. Clearly you can't appreciate my big heart / awesomeness / Mary Poppins bag of parenting wisdom (Now I must figure out another way to weasel around your request. Or pout and act butt hurt, until you feel the birth is all about meeee.)"

No, no--I mean, I'm the *reasonable* grandma, who is being excluded because they don't want to play favorites ("everybody or nobody"), and so I'd like to be told, "we aren't going to have any of the grandmas because it's just too difficult w/ the other grandma, so please help us by not kicking up a fuss"--Or, maybe, just "we're just going to exclude everybody" and then I can draw my own conclusions, but I don't feel as personally hurt.
  Then I could switch into "helpful" mode and view my staying away as "helping them w/ family difficulties." And if the other grandma whined, I could say, "yes, it was a bit disappointing, but what a wonderful little time they had, as a new family!" to sort of indicate how reasonable I thought it was.

I don't know, I'd worry about Reasonable Grandma slipping up with "Well, Cousin Suzy, you know they aren't doing it because of me. It's Other Grandma who's overly pushy. Just between you and me, of course."

[turnip]

Like a lot of situations, I think this is one of those "Yes, they can do this.  Yes, their family has every right to hurt feelings because of it" scenarios.    The couple can delay their announcement but they have to be prepared not everyone may take it well. 

I have to be honest, for me I'd rather have the announcement of my child's healthy birth be a joyous, wonderful experience for everyone, and then deal with the fallout of having to say "No, thank you" to kind offers.    It sounds like this couple overall has a loving family which is a wonderful blessing to new parents.  I'd err on the side of letting them in, rather than keeping them out.

[siamesecat2965]

For acquaintances, friends you don't see often, coworkers, and distant family...I think it's completely fine to wait a week.  I think parents, siblings, grandparents, and close friends should be told within a day or so of the birth, but only if they are people you can trust to respect the "No visitors until X day" preference.  If they won't respect the decision to have some alone time after the birth, then I don't think they've earned the right to be notified right away.

This. While I don't have kids or plan to have any, I might do the same thing. Alhtough I know my mom well enough to know she would respect any wishes I had, whether it be to be with while giving birth, coming to the hospital, or coming to see us at home, whatever I wanted, she would be on board with.

but its ultimately up to the parents. if this is what they want, then I say fine, and if anyone gets upset then oh well.

[LeveeWoman]

"I think this is totally a know-your-audience kind of thing. When I had my babies, because they were c-sections, I was in the hospital for about 4 days. I was thrilled to have visitors after the first day, and in fact, my best friend was even there while I was in labor and I was glad to have her as a distraction - at least part of the time."

I totally agree with this!  The same thing happened to me.  Visting hours would come and go and I'd be like, "People come visit!"  But when I got home, the adjustment and the increased getting out of bed for midnight feedings and care  and post surgery issues took a toll and I really did not want visitors. 

However, I explained this to my husband that I preferred to have  visitiors in the hospital rather than coming to our house in the week or 2 after and he completely disagrees with me.

I'd tell him he can have things the way he wants them when he has the next baby.

[siamesecat2965]

I have never understood people - friends or cousins, etc - who go to the hospital to visit after a baby is born. It has always struck me as such a selfish cruel unloving thing to do - its only about the visitors desire to see the baby and fails to respect the new parents. To me, it just seems like such a personal, and exhausting, and overwhelming time.

The thing is, it isn't like that for everyone though.  We visit people in the hospital because it is expected of us and we care about those people, not because we are trying to satisfy some selfish desire to see the child.  It is customary in our family and in our community unless someone decides not to have visitors - asking first is a must!  I think the difference is that for some people, when they are exhausted or overwhelmed, the presence of family or close friends is a comfort not a hindrance.  It isn't that way for everyone of course, especially if there are relationship issues like the couple here, but when people ask to visit, not having been told they aren't welcome, it is often because they don't automatically think it is an imposition.  Not everyone shows up demanding to be served you know - when I visited a family friend in the hospital after her third child, I held the baby and gave a gift within 5 minutes and then took the other two kids out of the room for a walk to the cafeteria and gift shop so she and her husband could have some time to relax.

I went to see my very close friend the day after she gave birth, in the hospital. BUT, I asked if it was ok, and even told her, if for some reason, as it gets closer to the time I'm expected (after work) text me, and even if I'm in the parking lot, I will turn around and go home. She wanted me there, and I was happy to oblige, but had she said you know what, I had a c-section and feel icky and don't want any visitors, that would have been fine as well.

[guihong]

We did this, but in reverse.  DH's parents knew our second son was coming via emergency C-section and came down, but DS2 was in such bad shape we didn't tell anyone else for at least a week until we were sure he would make it .  I didn't want the church ladies or my Mom's group over, as DS was in fragile health and little immune system even when he was home.

There are a lot of grandparents mentioned on this site who wouldn't respect boundaries and would push in (obviously, as this is an etiquette site).

[LadyR]

I just had a baby. I notified everyone within 24 hours, however we set clear boundaries ahead of time. The only visits for the first week were my bff, our respective parent and two of DH's three siblings and their families. Our families are close and we wanted to share our new child with them right away.

When my older son was born, we had friends decide to visit us the first weekened, and it wasn't welcome. This time we set a date for a meet the baby party and made it clear people can meet him then. We've had ine friend (other than bff) come up before the party, but he asked if he could and it was a weekend when he'd be our only visitor so we said yes.

[Outdoor Girl]

I don't visit anyone in the hospital after having a baby unless they make it clear they'd like the visit.  I saw my SIL (and brother) the day after my oldest nephew was born because they happened to be in a hospital near me.  I didn't see youngest nephew right away but he was born at home (on purpose) anyway.

The only person I've visited who wasn't family was a good friend.  I was in town for the day and her husband and older child met up with a group of us for a meal.  He suggested I swing by - she was fine but baby had some jaundice so they were keeping them both for an extra couple of days.  I didn't stay long but appreciated the chance to see her while I was in town.

[darkprincess]

Baby number 1 resulted in lots of people in the waiting room. After they were told that no one but dear hubby could be in the room through labor one grandmother wouldn't leave while they were checking for dilatation. They were eventually escorted out. Everyone pouncing on us after baby was born which meant 9 people were able to push their way into the OR recovery room while I tried to recover from an emergency C-Section, They then watched while I tried to feed baby for the first time and then played pass my newborn baby around while I was on painkillers. I had actually told them not to come until X time, which doctor's had assured me would be hours after we had given birth. They came 6 hrs before that. We had visitors who brought their boyfriends (who we had never met), family that stayed for hours and hours, family that volunteered to stay at our house and help, yet I still was expected to host for three day so they could "hold" and bond with baby.

It sounds like the mother to be knows what type of behavior might occur and they are trying to avoid what I had as a nightmare.
Baby 2 was an entirely different matter. No none knew when we were exactly due, no one was told we were in the hospital until baby was born and we had alone time with baby. Nurses were told that visits could not exceed 1 hour, no matter who they were. No one was allowed to stay the night at our house. We were able to bond as a family. My recovery was so much quicker and easier, and better I didn't leave the experience wanting to never see family again.

[lakey]

It's a shame that they feel they have to do this, but sometimes people have relatives who don't respect boundaries.