Author Topic: Fishing for "was I invited"?  (Read 3367 times)

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stitchygreyanonymouse

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Fishing for "was I invited"?
« on: May 30, 2013, 10:57:14 AM »
I think my gut feeling is correct etiquette: say nothing. But then another little voice says that Iím being one of those rude non-RSVPers. Help, please.

Note: I do not want to fish for an invite, I cannot attend anyway, I just want to make sure I haven't committed the sin of ignoring an invite and not responding one way or the other.

A coworker is getting married this weekend, and our office manager asked me yesterday if I was attending, saying so far, she thinks only she and one other coworker are going, but hadnít asked newest coworker yet (our office is 8 people total, including bride). She and other attendee are also some of the longest-employed company members, probably closest to the bride personally as well. Iím in the middle time-employed-wise, right after the bride, and we chat about personal things on occasion, although donít get together outside of work, if it matters.

I never received an invite. Definitely not at home, not on my desk or mailbox at work, and nothing came up in an email search. Thereís not one on the company bulletin board or anything that would imply company-wide invite.

Now, the faux pas I did commit was telling the office manager "I donít think I was invitedóare you sure she didnít just invite the two of you?" when I should have just said "No, unfortunately, I can't attend." But when office manager said that she was under the impression everyone was invited, that little second voice in my head started wondering if a.) the invite was extended on a day I was out of the office (thereíve been a few days in the past month), or b.) just never got to me somehow; and now Iím one of those rude non-RSVPing people. The other voice in my head says that if either were true, Bride clearly would have said something to me at some point, or followed up for head count, but she's also very shy and non-confrontational, so maybe not.

Should I say anything to the bride that can convey "sorry I canít attend, if I was invited, best of luck," or should I just keep my trap shut? If I should say something, can you help with what to say? Because Iím at a loss.

Shoo

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Re: Fishing for "was I invited"?
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2013, 11:07:21 AM »
You weren't invited.  Don't say anything at all.  If, by some chance, you *were* invited, I would hope the bride would follow up on any non-responses.  If and until that happens, don't mention it.

NyaChan

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Re: Fishing for "was I invited"?
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2013, 11:31:06 AM »
You weren't invited.  Don't say anything at all.  If, by some chance, you *were* invited, I would hope the bride would follow up on any non-responses.  If and until that happens, don't mention it.

I agree. 

Judah

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Re: Fishing for "was I invited"?
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2013, 12:07:10 PM »
If you'd been invited, you'd know. Since you don't know, you haven't been invited. Say nothing.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

-The Car Talk Guys

siamesecat2965

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Re: Fishing for "was I invited"?
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2013, 03:01:44 PM »
Yup, what they all said. And manager might have been mistaken in thinking everyone was invited. And since her view is second hand, I'd let it go. If you were invited, and just didn't get the invite, its up to bride, who sees you every day to follow up with you as to whether or not you're coming. And manager really shouldn't have said anything as she didn't seem too sure as to who was or wasn't invited.

Lynn2000

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Re: Fishing for "was I invited"?
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2013, 03:17:13 PM »
POD. Most likely, you weren't invited, and manager is mistaken (and shouldn't have said anything). There is the possibility the invitation got lost somewhere, of course (I have had that happen), but it's on the bride to follow up with people who haven't responded, if she really needed hard numbers or really wanted to know who was coming. If she doesn't say anything I would assume you aren't invited. After the wedding, you can certainly congratulate her, when it can't in any way, shape, or form be construed as a fishing attempt.
~Lynn2000

Deetee

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Re: Fishing for "was I invited"?
« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2013, 04:48:18 PM »
How about you send your coworker an email wishing them all the best for their wedding with just some friendly well wishing chatter and mention that you will be thinking of them fondly this weekend while you are out of town and you will be sure to toast them from wherever you are?

This makes clear you aren't fishing for an invite and on the off chance that there was a lost invite you have made yourlack of attendance clear.

stitchygreyanonymouse

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Re: Fishing for "was I invited"?
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2013, 10:09:58 AM »
Thanks everyone. That is what my etiquette-brain was telling me, but then there was that other voice.

*inviteseller

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Re: Fishing for "was I invited"?
« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2013, 05:58:15 PM »
I am with the others who say you weren't invited and office manager is making assumptions.  For you to say anything to her about it other than congratulations will look like you are fishing.

gellchom

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Re: Fishing for "was I invited"?
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2013, 09:42:19 PM »
I'm guessing the two who are attending weren't actually invited, either.

stitchygreyanonymouse

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Re: Fishing for "was I invited"?
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2013, 09:33:58 AM »
I'm guessing the two who are attending weren't actually invited, either.

I wouldn't assume that. Itís more than likely they were. They are pretty close to the bride, and I know at least one often spends time with her outside of work.

TootsNYC

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Re: Fishing for "was I invited"?
« Reply #11 on: June 19, 2013, 04:36:21 PM »
I'm guessing the two who are attending weren't actually invited, either.

I wouldn't assume that. Itís more than likely they were. They are pretty close to the bride, and I know at least one often spends time with her outside of work.

what may be going on is that they know they both are invited, and because of that, they're assuming "all office people" instead of realizing that it's just the two of them.