Author Topic: It's not rude, but not done either  (Read 9993 times)

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DottyG

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #60 on: June 13, 2013, 11:21:36 PM »
Ok, I really must not have gotten the point of the OP's question. I'm bowing out, because I think I'm seeing this thread as something different than it was supposed to be.


LifeOnPluto

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #61 on: June 13, 2013, 11:31:05 PM »
DottyG, if it's any consolation, I completely agree with you about the bathroom stall thing. It squicks me out when another woman, for whatever reason, chooses the stall right next to mine.

It's not so bad when it's a small bathroom with only 2 or 3 stalls. But a larger bathroom, with 10 or so stalls? And all other factors (lighting, waste bins, locks, etc) being equal? I personally think it's weird. 

MariaE

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #62 on: June 14, 2013, 12:44:03 AM »
DottyG, if it's any consolation, I completely agree with you about the bathroom stall thing. It squicks me out when another woman, for whatever reason, chooses the stall right next to mine.

It's not so bad when it's a small bathroom with only 2 or 3 stalls. But a larger bathroom, with 10 or so stalls? And all other factors (lighting, waste bins, locks, etc) being equal? I personally think it's weird.

The thing is though that I'd like as not just not notice that the stall next to mine is taken. It simply wouldn't register. So I wouldn't consciously be choosing "a free stall next to one that's taken", I'd be choosing "a free stall and that's all I notice".
 
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Gyburc

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #63 on: June 14, 2013, 06:07:05 AM »
Back on the public transport topic, I once offended someone quite badly (it appeared) by moving away from them on a bus.

It was a coach with reclining seats, and I prefer if at all possible not to sit behind someone who has reclined - I like a bit more space. I was the first and only person on the coach, and at the next stop a woman got on, sat down in the seat directly in front of me, and put the seat back. Fine - her prerogative, so I moved seats.

She glared at me pretty much solidly for five minutes.  ??? Sometimes you can't win.
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laud_shy_girl

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #64 on: June 14, 2013, 06:11:30 AM »
I think the bus seat thing depends on where on the bus I sit.

If the bus is empty but I sit right at the front I wouldn't find it odd to be sat next too. As a Previous poster said, they sit near the front so it's easier to get off. If I headed to the back/middle (not the very back as I know some people really like the very back seats.) of a large empty bus then yes I would find it odd as I head further back in the hope the front fills up first and no one will sit next to me.

As far as toilets I have the quirk that I prefer the toilet farthest from the door so head for the back and use the first available stall closest to the far wall. I wouldn't necessarily consider who was in the stall next to me, but then my occupant detecting ability is poor as I have stood waiting for a stall to free up only to realise after 10min that they are all in fact empty but look locked.  ::)
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acicularis

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #65 on: June 14, 2013, 08:35:02 AM »
Interesting that these all seem to be "personal space" issues!

Here's one I experienced a few years ago:  The pool I belong to has umbrellas for everyone's use. Once someone has set up under an umbrella, it's considered taken. It's usually one family per umbrella, or perhaps a couple moms who came together, and their kids. Sometimes a couple families arriving together may share one of the larger ones (in years when there have been larger ones). Sometimes a friend arriving later is invited to share the umbrella space. But in general, it's one family per umbrella and you only share if you arrived together or were invited to join someone.

So imagine my surprise one day when I glanced over and saw someone I didn't know sitting at the very edge of the shade cast by "our" umbrella. She was not there when we arrived, and must have slipped in while I was busy putting sunscreen on kids and reminding them of ground rules for being at the pool, etc. OK, I didn't exactly "own" that shade, but it felt very odd. Especially since she never said "hello" or asked to share our shade. It almost appeared like she was trying to ignore us in hopes that it would make her invisible or something. Very odd. I couldn't tell if this was rude, just odd, or just that I have an exaggerated idea of how large my personal space bubble is and I need to get over it. 

But then it got weirder. As the day wore on and the shade moved (and got smaller), she moved. She never moved when I was looking, but there was no denying that she was edging ever closer to me. At the rate she was going, she was going to end up in my lap! I was beginning to not just be annoyed, but worry that we'd run out of shade. One of my daughters is in a wheelchair, and I need enough shade to keep her chair shaded and enough for her to stretch out on the ground on a towel sometimes too. I didn't want to come back from taking her for a swim and not have enough space in the shade.

I have no idea why I didn't say anything, except that I don't know what I would have said. When she first arrived, I was kind of thrown off balance. And the shade was certainly big enough at first, so I guess I worried that I would be the rude one if I said anything. And as time wore on, the longer I didn't say anything, the harder it got to say anything! Very silly, I know.

I finally caught her in the act of moving, and managed to catch her eye. "I'm watching my grandchildren, I have to stay out of the sun," she said. "Uh huh," I answered. "I have to keep her out of the sun, too," I said, indicating my daughter in her wheelchair. She said nothing more, and went back to reading her magazine. I rearranged some of our things to mark our territory, and when my chair was no longer in the shade, left it there as a barrier, figuring she wouldn't be so bold as to actually climb over our stuff to get to our shade. (And actually, I often leave my chair in the sun anyway, since my daughter needs the shade more than I do. I also tend to rearrange our things to follow "our" shade, so what I did wasn't all that different from what I usually do.)

Eventually, she left. She never camped out in "my" shade again, although I did see her do it to other people. I have no idea if other people were bothered by it, or if I'm just more prickly than the average person over personal space issues. I do wonder, though, why she didn't just sit under one of the pavilions when there were no free umbrellas, if shade was so important to her.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #66 on: June 14, 2013, 09:57:20 AM »
I need to sit in the shade, too, and I would very likely grab the edge of someone's shade but I would never do it without asking!  And as the shade got smaller, I'd find another spot or go to the pavillion, rather than crowd somebody.

Umbrella over pavillion might be a question of airflow so if there was a breeze, I'd want to be more out in the open to catch it.
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AngelicGamer

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #67 on: June 14, 2013, 10:26:23 AM »
Public transport - when I take the EL, I'm usually getting on at one stop after the start of the line.  I will put my backpack on the seat right next to me because I like to have a bit of my own space.  Right after the Jefferson Park stop, I pick up my backpack and it stays on my lap until Pulaski if I'm going to the end of the line.  But that's due to the train getting crowded during those stops.  On the Metra, I travel off peak usually, so I usually have my backpack on the seat next to me.  I seem to attract older men and women who want to talk to me about Deity of Choice due to my disability, so headphones and backpack are good buffers!  On the bus, I also travel off peak, so the same thing applies.

For the bathroom, I really don't notice.  I also go to the handicap stall because there's more space and my ankles might be acting up that day.

For the movie theaters - I usually get there anywhere from 45 minutes to a half hour early, depending on type of movie and how long it's been out.  If someone sits right in front of me or right behind me, I usually chuckle and they sometimes strike up conversation with me.  I've had a lot of good conversations that way - the one right before Iron Man 3 was really good because the guy was a comic book geek!  So we had a good talk about the comic storyline that the movie was following.  Didn't get a chance to talk to him after - he left right as the credits were starting.




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Judah

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #68 on: June 14, 2013, 10:32:29 AM »
And a completely empty theater.  Mom and I joke about how long it's going to be before someone comes in and decides on the seat either right in front of us or right behind us.  Or even right next to us.  Doesn't matter where we are - it's not like we always sit in some kind of "preferred section" of the place.  SERIOUSLY?!  A whole empty theater, and the only spot you could find was the one on top of us?!

I have my preferred seats in movie theaters, so if someone is sitting in or close to my preferred seats, I'm going to sit close them. I see no reason to choose less desirable seats just because someone is sitting next to where I want to sit.  I expect the theater to fill from the center out.

In a bathroom, I pick the stall I pick based on a lot of factors, but the stall next to it being taken is not one of them. It wouldn't even register with me.
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secretrebel

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #69 on: June 14, 2013, 11:38:57 AM »
This is happening to me right now!

AngelicGamer

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #70 on: June 14, 2013, 11:44:42 AM »
This is happening to me right now!

Hopefully not the bathroom one!   ;) ;D




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Eeep!

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #71 on: June 14, 2013, 01:04:35 PM »
Interesting that these all seem to be "personal space" issues!

Here's one I experienced a few years ago:  The pool I belong to has umbrellas for everyone's use. Once someone has set up under an umbrella, it's considered taken. It's usually one family per umbrella, or perhaps a couple moms who came together, and their kids. Sometimes a couple families arriving together may share one of the larger ones (in years when there have been larger ones). Sometimes a friend arriving later is invited to share the umbrella space. But in general, it's one family per umbrella and you only share if you arrived together or were invited to join someone.

So imagine my surprise one day when I glanced over and saw someone I didn't know sitting at the very edge of the shade cast by "our" umbrella. She was not there when we arrived, and must have slipped in while I was busy putting sunscreen on kids and reminding them of ground rules for being at the pool, etc. OK, I didn't exactly "own" that shade, but it felt very odd. Especially since she never said "hello" or asked to share our shade. It almost appeared like she was trying to ignore us in hopes that it would make her invisible or something. Very odd. I couldn't tell if this was rude, just odd, or just that I have an exaggerated idea of how large my personal space bubble is and I need to get over it. 

But then it got weirder. As the day wore on and the shade moved (and got smaller), she moved. She never moved when I was looking, but there was no denying that she was edging ever closer to me. At the rate she was going, she was going to end up in my lap! I was beginning to not just be annoyed, but worry that we'd run out of shade. One of my daughters is in a wheelchair, and I need enough shade to keep her chair shaded and enough for her to stretch out on the ground on a towel sometimes too. I didn't want to come back from taking her for a swim and not have enough space in the shade.

I have no idea why I didn't say anything, except that I don't know what I would have said. When she first arrived, I was kind of thrown off balance. And the shade was certainly big enough at first, so I guess I worried that I would be the rude one if I said anything. And as time wore on, the longer I didn't say anything, the harder it got to say anything! Very silly, I know.

I finally caught her in the act of moving, and managed to catch her eye. "I'm watching my grandchildren, I have to stay out of the sun," she said. "Uh huh," I answered. "I have to keep her out of the sun, too," I said, indicating my daughter in her wheelchair. She said nothing more, and went back to reading her magazine. I rearranged some of our things to mark our territory, and when my chair was no longer in the shade, left it there as a barrier, figuring she wouldn't be so bold as to actually climb over our stuff to get to our shade. (And actually, I often leave my chair in the sun anyway, since my daughter needs the shade more than I do. I also tend to rearrange our things to follow "our" shade, so what I did wasn't all that different from what I usually do.)

Eventually, she left. She never camped out in "my" shade again, although I did see her do it to other people. I have no idea if other people were bothered by it, or if I'm just more prickly than the average person over personal space issues. I do wonder, though, why she didn't just sit under one of the pavilions when there were no free umbrellas, if shade was so important to her.

That is weird and would bug me too.
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KenveeB

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #72 on: June 14, 2013, 01:18:22 PM »
And a completely empty theater.  Mom and I joke about how long it's going to be before someone comes in and decides on the seat either right in front of us or right behind us.  Or even right next to us.  Doesn't matter where we are - it's not like we always sit in some kind of "preferred section" of the place.  SERIOUSLY?!  A whole empty theater, and the only spot you could find was the one on top of us?!

I have my preferred seats in movie theaters, so if someone is sitting in or close to my preferred seats, I'm going to sit close them. I see no reason to choose less desirable seats just because someone is sitting next to where I want to sit.  I expect the theater to fill from the center out.

Ditto to me. I'm very picky about where I sit in a theater. I arrive very early to make sure I get the seat I want. If someone else is already near it, I'd still sit there, even if the rest of the theater is empty. It's not like all the seats are equal -- they have different angles to the screen and for the volume, and have different benefits such as legroom or ease of getting out for bathroom/snack breaks. My only rule is that I won't sit in the seat next to someone I don't know when the theater is empty, because that feels creepy and one seat off isn't a big enough deal. But if it's going to be a crowded movie, I will.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #73 on: June 16, 2013, 12:06:15 AM »
I'm a little surprised at those posters who say that it "wouldn't register" whether a bathroom stall was taken or not. In my experience, it's often fairly obvious when someone is using a stall. Apart from the lock on the door being set to "engaged" (if it's that type of lock), you can often hear the noises (eg feet shuffling, or toilet paper jigging on the roll, etc), or see the shadow cast under the door by the person inside. But I acknowledge it can often depend on the set-up of the bathroom.

Re: movie theatres, some of them have allocated seating, and I've noticed that for some reason, cinemas often sell seats that are close together. So if you're in a theatre with allocated seating, and someone else sits right next to you, they might not be obnoxious or socially clueless - it could be that the cinema allocated them that particular seat.


kareng57

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Re: It's not rude, but not done either
« Reply #74 on: June 16, 2013, 12:13:56 AM »
I would also like to hear other instances that may not have been rude, but did leave a "why would you do that"?

Two that immediately came to mind when you asked that.

Women who, despite there being 10 empty (clean, perfectly fine) other stalls, insist on coming into the one right next to you.  Dang, get away.  A TAD bit of pretend privacy would be nice, thank you.

And a completely empty theater.  Mom and I joke about how long it's going to be before someone comes in and decides on the seat either right in front of us or right behind us.  Or even right next to us.  Doesn't matter where we are - it's not like we always sit in some kind of "preferred section" of the place.  SERIOUSLY?!  A whole empty theater, and the only spot you could find was the one on top of us?!


Washroom stalls?  I truly don't understand.  They're not "open" such as urinals in men's rooms are, so I wonder how you'd even know that someone was using a stall next to you when there were unoccupied stalls further away?