Author Topic: Dealing with a Bossy Pants (UPDATE #50 and 64)  (Read 17949 times)

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weeblewobble

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #30 on: June 13, 2013, 01:43:48 PM »
Actually, I think your "OK" response is a pretty good one.  You're responding politely, but not engaging or escalating.  But you're also not giving her a fix of bowing to her "advice."

And I think you need to sit down with your husband and explain that while you fully support his friendship with his BFF, he has to find a way to maintain it without you spending time with Alice. Don't let him pressure you into a social situation that makes you miserable. You're in a very delicate stage in your transition to motherhood and find her presence stressful and damaging to your confidence.  Your DH should be helping you REMOVE stress from your home, not creating situations where you are required to invite it in.

If he's worried that you're not socializing enough, he can take the baby for an afternoon and you can go out with friends or take a class that interests you.                                         

doodlemor

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #31 on: June 13, 2013, 01:51:30 PM »
You have received some excellent advice, LeeLee, and I especially think that you should stick it to her with her daughter's behavior.  I would be be tempted to say something like.......How come you have all of this advice to give me when your own daughter doesn't know how to behave in my home?  That would be rude, but this woman crossed the line long, long ago.

I would also like to remind you of the Miss Manners standards of ........How kind of you to take an interest in my personal business, and.....How kind of you to say so.  I would say these things in an increasingly peeved/sarcastic way as an event progressed.

Perhaps these would keep her in line after an initial confrontation, if you still want to have anything to do with her.

TootsNYC

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #32 on: June 13, 2013, 01:53:07 PM »
I think when two BFFs get married, there's a natural pressure from BOTH friends for their spouses to be close as well.

But it doesn't necessarily work. That makes it harder, sometimes.

You can totally reassure your DH that you support his friendship and are eager for him to spend that time with his BFF. But you might consider telling him that when he pressures YOU to include Alice as though that relationship is of the same quality, it actually sabotages your willingness to make sure he gets time with his BFF. And ask him to help you buffer that.

He's going to need to resist pressure from his friend to include the wives; he's going to need to assist you in creating an "out," and he's also going to need to *not be the one* who automatically rolls "the wives" into the plans.

NyaChan

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #33 on: June 13, 2013, 01:58:05 PM »
You have received some excellent advice, LeeLee, and I especially think that you should stick it to her with her daughter's behavior.  I would be be tempted to say something like.......How come you have all of this advice to give me when your own daughter doesn't know how to behave in my home?  That would be rude, but this woman crossed the line long, long ago.

I would also like to remind you of the Miss Manners standards of ........How kind of you to take an interest in my personal business, and.....How kind of you to say so.  I would say these things in an increasingly peeved/sarcastic way as an event progressed.

Perhaps these would keep her in line after an initial confrontation, if you still want to have anything to do with her.

I don't think retaliatory rudeness is the answer here.  If someone is rude to you in your home, you are free to ask them to leave.  No need to snipe right back at them. 

WillyNilly

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #34 on: June 13, 2013, 02:22:04 PM »
You have received some excellent advice, LeeLee, and I especially think that you should stick it to her with her daughter's behavior.  I would be be tempted to say something like.......How come you have all of this advice to give me when your own daughter doesn't know how to behave in my home?  That would be rude, but this woman crossed the line long, long ago.

I would also like to remind you of the Miss Manners standards of ........How kind of you to take an interest in my personal business, and.....How kind of you to say so.  I would say these things in an increasingly peeved/sarcastic way as an event progressed.

Perhaps these would keep her in line after an initial confrontation, if you still want to have anything to do with her.

I don't think retaliatory rudeness is the answer here.  If someone is rude to you in your home, you are free to ask them to leave.  No need to snipe right back at them. 

I agree but i think there is a non-rude way to do this. When she points out a flaw in yoru home/parenting/whatever look at what her daughter is doing and instead of responding to her snark, comment on the daughter.

BP: Your floors are too shiny, you need to fix this someone will slip!
Response: Please get your daughter's shoes off the upholstered chairs

BP: You need more room around your toilet, your bathroom is too cramped
Response: You daughter may not chase my cats like that, they are live beings and they live here, she needs to respect them

BP: Colic Cure is no good, you need to use the Rx stuff I used!
Response: your daughter is not allowed to open the china cabinet, please keep a closer watch on her

Basically make it like you are too distracted to hear her bossiness because you are too concerned over her kid.


Alternately on a totally different method I think you are welcome to invite her to not partake in things she complains about. just breezily and with a smile excuse her.

BP: Your floors are too shiny, you need to fix this someone will slip!
Response: Oh you can just wait out on the patio if you are concerned, we won't be long, just finishing up our coffee

BP: You need more room around your toilet, your bathroom is too cramped
Response: No problem, there is a diner about a mile down the road, you are welcome to use theirs

BP: Colic Cure is no good, you need to use the Rx stuff I used!
Response: well I would certainly never ask you to use my remedies, so no problem

gramma dishes

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #35 on: June 13, 2013, 02:25:36 PM »
Talk to your DH first.  Make sure he knows that you don't expect him to fix the situation, but that Alice is insulting you, your home and your parenting.  Tell him that the next time Alice makes a remark that you will not ignore it and you WILL call her out on her rudeness.

I wish I had done this when DS was a baby and I had to deal with my own Bossy Pants.  When I reached my breaking point I yelled "If I want s***t from you I'll squeeze your head!".  Not my proudest moment.

Maybe not your proudest moment, but it certainly made me laugh!   ;D

CakeBeret

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #36 on: June 13, 2013, 02:36:39 PM »
Alternately on a totally different method I think you are welcome to invite her to not partake in things she complains about. just breezily and with a smile excuse her.

BP: Your floors are too shiny, you need to fix this someone will slip!
Response: Oh you can just wait out on the patio if you are concerned, we won't be long, just finishing up our coffee

BP: You need more room around your toilet, your bathroom is too cramped
Response: No problem, there is a diner about a mile down the road, you are welcome to use theirs

BP: Colic Cure is no good, you need to use the Rx stuff I used!
Response: well I would certainly never ask you to use my remedies, so no problem

I think this is pure gold. I would absolutely take this tactic.

Also, OP, I think you have the patience of a saint. At 3 weeks postpartum I would have lost my head, said some very rude things, and turned her out of my home.
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lowspark

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #37 on: June 13, 2013, 02:51:07 PM »
I think this has pretty much been said already but I'm going to go ahead and say it again.

Stop socializing with this woman.

You do not have to
-go to her house
-host the gathering of the wives at your house just because the husbands are going out

Your husband can have a bff whose wife you don't want to befriend. Yes! It can be done!

It sounds like you do get along with the other wives, so in the future rather than the automatic meeting of all the wives at your house, why not invite one or two of them (only) to get together when the husbands do? There's no rule that says all the wives have to socialize just because their husbands are. Also no rule that says it has to be at your house, even if you are centrally located.

If your husband is really concerned about how much you're socializing then you just need to clarify that you want to decide whom to socialize with and that his bff's wife does not fit that bill.

I agree that your current approach is pretty good already: just saying OK and bean dipping or moving on. But the real solution to dealing with this lady is to get her out of your life as much as possible. Your husband's social life should not hinge on whether you are friends with his friends' wives. Just as he picks his friends, you need to pick yours.

Biker Granny

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #38 on: June 13, 2013, 02:51:59 PM »
I love all the responses...may I add one more?  It worked with my SIL.

After my son was born, she reached my limit.  To control my temper I actually took a deep breath....she wanted to know what that was for....So I told her.
SIL...I know you know what your doing but what did you say to me about YOUR SIL right after your 1st son was born.
SIL...."I told you that she everytime she was around me she always had to point out what I was doing wrong."
Me: "How did that make you feel?"
SIL: "Like I was a dodo head......ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh....I get it! (light bulb moment)."

Turn the tables on her...ask her how she would feel if someone did this to her.

bopper

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #39 on: June 13, 2013, 02:53:25 PM »
1) If they have to come...up front tell your DH and tell everyone with the new baby you may have to nurse/feed him privately and still may need to take a nap.  Then when she is being a pain, go hide.

2) Tell your DH that Alice is a bossy pants and either maybe the wives need not come hang at your house as you don't enjoy Alice (he may think you enjoy the visits). Maybe Alice doesn't like this either.

gramma dishes

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #40 on: June 13, 2013, 03:28:05 PM »


...   I agree that your current approach is pretty good already: just saying OK and bean dipping or moving on. ...

The only thing I don't like about saying "Okay" is that it implies, to me at least, acceptance of and compliance with whatever Miss Bossy said.  It sounds like the OP not only accepts it, but will at least consider making the suggested changes.  It doesn't actively encourage Miss Bossy to stop criticizing everything about the OP, what she's doing, and how she's doing it.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2013, 03:31:15 PM by gramma dishes »

VorFemme

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #41 on: June 13, 2013, 03:34:37 PM »


...   I agree that your current approach is pretty good already: just saying OK and bean dipping or moving on. ...

The only thing I don't like about saying "Okay" is that it implies, to me at least, acceptance of and compliance with whatever Miss Bossy said.  It sounds like the OP not only accepts it, but will at least consider making the suggested changes.  It doesn't actively encourage Miss Bossy to stop criticizing everything about the OP, what she's doing, and how she's doing it.

Depends on the tone of voice....a dragged out "oookkkaaayyy" while looking at Bossy Pants the right way can get across the message that this is advice that will NOT be taken - but you are too polite to say "stuff it in your ear".
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blue2000

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #42 on: June 13, 2013, 04:39:22 PM »


...   I agree that your current approach is pretty good already: just saying OK and bean dipping or moving on. ...

The only thing I don't like about saying "Okay" is that it implies, to me at least, acceptance of and compliance with whatever Miss Bossy said.  It sounds like the OP not only accepts it, but will at least consider making the suggested changes.  It doesn't actively encourage Miss Bossy to stop criticizing everything about the OP, what she's doing, and how she's doing it.

Depends on the tone of voice....a dragged out "oookkkaaayyy" while looking at Bossy Pants the right way can get across the message that this is advice that will NOT be taken - but you are too polite to say "stuff it in your ear".

I would agree with this - there is a simple "Okay!" to say "I'll do that, thanks!" and then there is the "Ohhh-KAY. Beandip?" which is more of a "You are a crazypants and I'm going to change the conversation..."

Much like a nicely-timed "Isn't THAT interesting..." or "Really. Huh." There are lots of phrases you can use if you have the right tone. :D
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JoyinVirginia

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #43 on: June 13, 2013, 05:11:05 PM »
I have not read the entire thread yet. My advice:
Yes, laugh at her and then ignore when she is at your house,
And, NO MORE GATHERINGS AT THEIR HOUSE , you have perfect excuse in that ” little boy does better on his own schedule, at his own house.”
DH complains, ”I am taking care of little boy, you go out and have fun”
You do not have to be joined at hip with dh esp of he does role play games you have no interest in

peach2play

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #44 on: June 13, 2013, 05:54:12 PM »
Just say, "No, thank you for the suggestion though." Usually confuses the heck out of them because they have to puzzle over the meaning of the word no.