Author Topic: Dealing with a Bossy Pants (UPDATE #50 and 64)  (Read 15591 times)

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Piratelvr1121

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #45 on: June 13, 2013, 06:17:37 PM »
I like WillyNilly's suggestions.  In fact, when Alice is telling you "You need to do this with your baby", a "You need to keep your child under control in my house." retort wouldn't be uncalled for, I think. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

TootsNYC

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #46 on: June 13, 2013, 07:08:31 PM »
Just say, "No, thank you for the suggestion though." Usually confuses the heck out of them because they have to puzzle over the meaning of the word no.

I do love this! Say it very cheerily. And do the "cut and paste" thing, simply so that she WILL notice the repetition, and maybe realize that she gets it a lot, and maybe she'll realize she sticks her nose in a lot.

Phoebe

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #47 on: June 13, 2013, 08:15:35 PM »
I really like all of these suggestions.  You could even include your pediatrician as an example of a mentor who has more experience with babies than Alice does.

I have a feeling Alice might be making a few return engagements on Ehell. ;D


figee

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #48 on: June 13, 2013, 08:51:53 PM »
Not a parent but I wonder about the other group member who is the lucky recipient of Alice's advice who is currently pregnant. Could you maybe team up with her?

Alice: Other member, you really need to have your birthing bag ready to go now including your special birthing music. You know I did it without painkillers and it really is the best way. You need to change your ob-gyn to one which will refuse you the drugs!
OP: (chipping in cheerfully). Isn't it great how we're all different! For me, we packed the bag between contractions, didn't have birthing music and I had as many drugs as they would give me! Seems to have worked out! Other pregnant member, is this the first grandchild in the family? Is everyone excited? (wander away with other pregnant member, cutting Alice out).

Then if Alice goes on about bring a mother for longer:
OP: Its been a while since you had a newborn, hasn't it?  Other pregnant member, have you decorated the nursery/ kept up work - how's that project going?

Dunno. It might work.

TootsNYC

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #49 on: June 13, 2013, 08:57:50 PM »
My problem with that is that is gets into the substance of the advice.
And now you're actually arguing with her about something, even though you don't give a flying leap what she said. And Bossy Pants will just keep arguing her point--because, after all, she's right, right?

And even if she isn't really right, she will NEVER admit it; directly contradicting her, even if it's to say, "we're all different," will simply be a trigger for her to get pushier. It sure does w/ my relative.


It's JADE-ing.

The OP has NO intention of following her advice--probably not ever. Even if she did the thing Bossy Pants suggested, it wouldn't actually be "following her advice."

I think Bossy Pants' victims should stay on the surface--They should focus ONLY on the idea that the giving of the advice is out of line, and that nothing below that matters.

Then they can decide how they're going to handle it. Are they going to go on the offensive? Are they going to try to "lovingly alert her" to the faux pas she has made? Are they going to lightly ridicule her?

Are they going to ignore her? (and they can help one another with that, if they work together)

LeeLee88

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants
« Reply #50 on: June 13, 2013, 09:16:48 PM »
Update already!  The subject of the next gathering came up earlier this evening, and I told DH that I'd been meaning to talk to him about that.  I explained that I didn't want to go to gatherings at Alice and her DH's house anymore because during my entire pregnancy she got all sermony with me about what I should and should not be doing, and ever since the baby was born, she's gotten way worse, to the point of essentially calling me incompetent and critiquing my house keeping skills in our own home. 

(Did I mention that her most recent visit was when the baby was about a week and a half old?  Yeah, she actually had the nerve to critique right then.  I was all right with folks visiting, and she completely ruined that.  Complete with her child also dumping her toys everywhere to get stepped on, and coming into the room to stare at me while I was trying to breast feed.  I'm not proud to admit that I snapped at the kid the second time she came in to the room, but I'm hoping that exhaustion and general postpartum stress will bring me some forgiveness.)

So anyway, I told DH that I know that he really wanted me to be friends with Alice, but it just wasn't going to happen.  Primarily because again, I don't appreciate being spoken to the way Alice spoke to me, and especially not in my own home.  I explained that obviously there wasn't any reason he and his BFF couldn't still hang out together at the monthly gatherings and go on their day trips and such, and that I'm sorry we couldn't all be the big, happy friends family he wanted, but I just don't have it in me to deal with Alice anymore.  DH said he understood my feelings, and that he was very sorry that last visit went so badly.  He said he was worried that I wasn't getting socialized because I'm with the baby all day, every day, and he's worried about me not having an outlet for all the stress I feel from that.  He said it obviously doesn't help me if I dread going to gatherings because of Alice, so he won't try to get me to go anymore.  So fortunately, I don't have to bother with Alice at the monthly gatherings anymore, and if she is in our home again, it will only be for the infrequent large gatherings where there will be many others that will require my hostessing attentions.  Or the occasional birthday celebration where we all meet in a restaurant of the birthday person's choice, but again, she's better behaved in front of large groups, especially when men are involved. 

Another upside is that DH and I sat down and hashed out a plan where whatever the outlet I choose is, he'll take the baby so I can go do that and decompress.  For now, it's getting back to the gym to use that sweet, sweet elliptical machine.  I can read my Kindle, listen to music, and sweat like crazy.  I know it took us a little while, but I blame a part of that on my own pride.  I wasn't so ready to admit that I really needed a break, but yeah, I do, and I have a great partner who's insisting on taking over in the evenings, so I'm going to take advantage of that.   

ETA:  You all gave me some excellent advice, and I wanted to say that I'm really, really appreciative of that.  Next time I find myself in close proximity to Alice (especially if the other pregnant wife is around, although she's much bolder than I am, and I think she'd actually tell Alice exactly where she could stick her "advice") I'll be making a point to re-visit this thread and memorizing some lines/techniques to throw out at her should she start her junk up again.  Thank you!
« Last Edit: June 13, 2013, 09:21:01 PM by LeeLee88 »

gramma dishes

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants (UPDATE #50)
« Reply #51 on: June 13, 2013, 09:26:06 PM »
Sounds like you have a winner as a husband!   ;)

Glad you were able to talk about this with him and that he 'got it'.  Not all husbands would.  And kudos to him for wanting to do things by himself with his son, even at this very early age.  It's so cool when babies get to actually bond with and trust BOTH parents.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants (UPDATE #50)
« Reply #52 on: June 13, 2013, 10:49:08 PM »
Sounds like you have a winner as a husband!   ;)

Glad you were able to talk about this with him and that he 'got it'.  Not all husbands would.  And kudos to him for wanting to do things by himself with his son, even at this very early age.  It's so cool when babies get to actually bond with and trust BOTH parents.

Can we clone him?!

Calypso

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants (UPDATE #50)
« Reply #53 on: June 13, 2013, 11:20:38 PM »
I have to say, LeeLee, I read far too many stories of husbands/fathers acting like Boy-men...your husband is a man, in the best possible sense of the word.

Lucky LeeLee, lucky new son, and lucky LeeLee's DH (after all, he's married to you).

cicero

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants (UPDATE #50)
« Reply #54 on: June 14, 2013, 12:45:11 AM »
Aww I think I'm in love with your husband!

Glad you were able to work this out

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LeeLee88

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants (UPDATE #50)
« Reply #55 on: June 14, 2013, 08:23:13 AM »
I did get pretty lucky in the husband draw, yeah :-).  Especially since he he was raised that men don't really get involved until the child is older and thusly more "interesting".  Heck even my own dad was a bit of a turd when we were just babies. He's still living down the time he told my mom that he couldn't feed one of us in the night because he had a "real job".  He was summarily ejected from bed with two feet in his back and told, "while you're up, how about you feed the baby?"/

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants (UPDATE #50)
« Reply #56 on: June 14, 2013, 08:27:26 AM »
I did get pretty lucky in the husband draw, yeah :-).  Especially since he he was raised that men don't really get involved until the child is older and thusly more "interesting".  Heck even my own dad was a bit of a turd when we were just babies. He's still living down the time he told my mom that he couldn't feed one of us in the night because he had a "real job".  He was summarily ejected from bed with two feet in his back and told, "while you're up, how about you feed the baby?"/

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love your mom, too!
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

wyliefool

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants (UPDATE #50)
« Reply #57 on: June 14, 2013, 08:30:50 AM »
I just had to stop by to say that the idea of remodeling the bathroom with a newborn in the house is the stupidest idea ever in the history of ideas. Bonus points if it's the only bathroom.

Also, I'm a fan of 'whatever'. You can substitute it for your 'ok' responses. It's still brief and yet conveys more dismissal.

barefoot_girl

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants (UPDATE #50)
« Reply #58 on: June 14, 2013, 09:30:12 AM »
Your husband sounds terrific and I am really glad that he 'gets' what a pain Alice is. My advice (which I suspect you no longer need) was to channel Mrs Brown, and reply to every Alice-ism with a sickly sweet smile and a "That's nice". In Mrs Brown-speak, "That's nice" is what you say instead of "%^$& off".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JddNDtC-Yrs  (WARNING- Not safe for work or for nervous dispositions)

chibichan

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Re: Dealing with a Bossy Pants (UPDATE #50)
« Reply #59 on: June 14, 2013, 10:12:42 AM »
You can try this :

Alice : You need to blah,blah,blah....

You : No , I don't.

Alice: No really , you should do this,this,this...

You : Well , I won't .

Alice : Well , I've been a mother longer than you and -

You : Yeah , whatever . ( Wyliefool is right - that tends to stop most peopllle in their tracks.)

or

" I don't want any advice from you , Alice ."

" Focus on your own child / house / self , Alice ."
The key to avoiding trouble is to learn to recognize it from a distance.