Author Topic: I cancelled dinner plans  (Read 8454 times)

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Mopsy428

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I cancelled dinner plans
« on: June 13, 2013, 09:57:11 PM »
My parents invited me over for dinner tomorrow night. They're having my brother, my FSIL, one of my sisters, and my FSIL's mother, who is visiting her daughter. I just told her that I will not be attending because I found out that she's serving a seafood casserole with scallops. I'm allergic to scallops. She told me that I can have salad. Unfortunately, the salad has spinach, which I cannot eat (or I "can" eat, but I don't want to spend Friday night with stomach issues.)

Now she's irritated with me, and I don't know why. I told her that I honestly don't understand why she's having all this food that I cannot eat. I am not sitting around a dinner table, staring at food I cannot eat, so I'm just not going to dinner. It's not like she doesn't know I am allergic to scallops. And I've told her multiple times that I do not eat spinach because it does not like me.

Am I way out of line? I do admit that I'm furious that someone would invite me over and serve something that I can't eat.

Roe

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2013, 10:00:33 PM »
The fact that any mother would serve something her child is allergic too, makes me angry on your behalf.

You are not out of line.  I'd say she is the one out of line. 

White Lotus

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2013, 10:06:54 PM »
Don't go, citing lack of food you can eat, or offer to bring your own meal, since they are not serving anything you can eat.  I usually end up doing the latter.  Sometimes I do it in the form of something everyone can share, like, oh, Mac and cheese or baked beans or gyoza or something.  Sometimes, I bring my own bento/tiffin box just for me, which sounds like the better deal in your case.  I don't do it without first declining and saying why, and, if pressed, offering to bring my own.
"I'm sorry I won't be able to come.  I'd enjoy the company, but you aren't serving anything I can eat, and I certainly don't expect you to alter your menu."  "Oh, but...."  "Well, I could bring (my own/complimentary dish) if that would be OK with you."  It is usually a very simple conversation, and I very rarely stay home.

Zizi-K

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2013, 10:29:37 PM »
I think your reaction is perfectly reasonable. There's a wide, wide world of food out there to pick from, and I too would find it odd (and quite hurtful) that my own mother would choose to serve exactly the two things I couldn't eat. The situation might be different if it were a more distant relative or a friend not conversant in your allergies. But it's your own mother, for goodness' sake! I wouldn't go either. If you really want to socialize with the other guests, bringing your own food (as someone else mentioned) is a good compromise. But personally, I think I'd be too ticked to show up.

greencat

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2013, 10:35:48 PM »
My mother tends to get a bit mixed up about food preferences (she gets my likes and dislikes switched with those of my brother) and needs to be clearly and repeatedly told about food allergies/intolerances for several days before a planned visit so she doesn't forget and buy something on the bad list.  However, if I couldn't eat something she was planning as a main dish, she would probably change the plans or offer to make me my own special main dish without the offending ingredient. 

LeveeWoman

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2013, 10:46:43 PM »
My parents invited me over for dinner tomorrow night. They're having my brother, my FSIL, one of my sisters, and my FSIL's mother, who is visiting her daughter. I just told her that I will not be attending because I found out that she's serving a seafood casserole with scallops. I'm allergic to scallops. She told me that I can have salad. Unfortunately, the salad has spinach, which I cannot eat (or I "can" eat, but I don't want to spend Friday night with stomach issues.)

Now she's irritated with me, and I don't know why. I told her that I honestly don't understand why she's having all this food that I cannot eat. I am not sitting around a dinner table, staring at food I cannot eat, so I'm just not going to dinner. It's not like she doesn't know I am allergic to scallops. And I've told her multiple times that I do not eat spinach because it does not like me.

Am I way out of line? I do admit that I'm furious that someone would invite me over and serve something that I can't eat.

The only person out of line here is your mother. Shame on her!

missmolly

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2013, 11:22:38 PM »
I can't imagine my mother doing this. My bro's vegan and I'm lactose intolerant. There is no way she would serve up a dinner where one or both of us could eat little or nothing. Sometimes she's made special versions of the main dish for us where the recipe includes cheese or milk, but she would never just shrug us off with only salad.

You are not out of line in the slightest.
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doodlemor

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2013, 11:28:42 PM »
Your mother's behavior is shameful, OP, and she is the one out of line.  I'm sorry that you have this to deal with in your life. 


MrsJWine

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2013, 11:32:03 PM »
I think that there are very few people you can expect to keep track of what you're allergic to. Your own mother, though, ought to be one of those people. Is she otherwise malicious? This seems super weird to me if there aren't other things going on.


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delabela

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2013, 11:33:28 PM »
That's just crazy.  You are absolutely not wrong to cancel.  Your mother is being thoughtless and cruel.

*inviteseller

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2013, 11:42:49 PM »
I am angry on your behalf!  Your mother has no right to be angry that you backed out of a meal because you cannot eat the meal!  She knows you are allergic but chooses to invite you to that meal anyways???  My step mother is good for making carnivore meals for when she invites me over..I do not eat meat!  She knows it as I have not eaten meat  for 26 years and if they decide to order pizza, they order it with pepperoni and tell me to just pick it off  :o :o.  And I feel for you with the spinach...I am like that with cooked onions.  I can eat it, but I am going to pay a heavy price later.  If your mom whines at you, just remind her that when someone invites someone into their home for a meal, it is rude to serve them a food that is a known allergen...then take yourself out to your favorite restaurant and treat yourself. 

Penguin_ar

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #11 on: June 14, 2013, 08:02:00 AM »
You did the right think and were not rude at all.
It would be different if she at least offered you options, such as making two dishes, one you can eat, or, like sometimes happens to me as a vegetarian, offered to make a veggie burger just for me. Or even a microwave meal!  But to expect you to sit there and watch others eat while you nibble the bread is not acceptable.

bopper

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #12 on: June 14, 2013, 08:15:21 AM »
"Mom, you want me to come but you are serving food you know I cannot eat. What's the deal?"

lowspark

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #13 on: June 14, 2013, 08:28:21 AM »
No. You're not out of line. Even if she forgot, which is pretty creepy since she's your mother, when you said you weren't coming because of your allergy, she should have immediately decided to change the menu.

My son is vegetarian and when he comes over for dinner, I just always make it totally veg. When he comes over for a holiday (when meat is, well, not exactly required, but certainly expected by all the other guests) I make sure there are plenty of vegetarian dishes that he likes in addition to making an extra veggie main dish specifically for him.

I mean, really, he's my son! I can't imagine him coming over to my house for dinner and sitting down at the table and seeing nothing he could eat.

As for the spinach salad, even if you could eat that, how satisfying would it be while everyone else ate the hearty main course?

Two options for her: Completely change the menu or Serve another main dish which you are not allergic to in addition to the scallops. Otherwise, I think you almost have no choice but to decline.

acicularis

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #14 on: June 14, 2013, 09:02:54 AM »
You're not out of line. It's not like you cancelled because a better offer came along.

Weird that she wouldn't remember your food allergy. Weirder still that when reminded she didn't offer to make something different, or something in addition to what she'd planned.

I'm also allergic to scallops, and would have cancelled. Even if I was able to eat other things, the smell of the scallops would likely nauseate me, and I wouldn't put myself through that.