Author Topic: I cancelled dinner plans  (Read 9827 times)

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IrishGenes

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #30 on: June 15, 2013, 06:02:18 PM »
Have you been allergic to these foods all your life and would your mother have cooked differently for you as a child?  I was diagnosed with more than a dozen food allergies and sensitivities last year at age 40.  Since I haven't lived with my parents in the past 18 years, my mother has not cooked for me regularly as she did when I was living with my parents at a young age.  Now she sometimes forgets what I can and cannot eat, simply because she never had to think about it when I was growing up.

Any chance this might be part of the issue now?
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Surianne

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #31 on: June 15, 2013, 06:35:35 PM »
Have you been allergic to these foods all your life and would your mother have cooked differently for you as a child?  I was diagnosed with more than a dozen food allergies and sensitivities last year at age 40.  Since I haven't lived with my parents in the past 18 years, my mother has not cooked for me regularly as she did when I was living with my parents at a young age.  Now she sometimes forgets what I can and cannot eat, simply because she never had to think about it when I was growing up.

Any chance this might be part of the issue now?
[/quote

Yeah, that's where I was headed with asking how many allergies she had -- if they're adult allergies, and there are a few of them, it's probably not that easy to remember.  Particularly with the spinach.  It's not a life-threatening allergy so I don't know that it would have been easy to remember that spinach in salad would make the OP's stomach upset. 

Fine to cancel attending dinner, but without more info I'm not sure how awful the mother was here.  Very possible she didn't think of spinach in the salad being a problem.

Asharah

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #32 on: June 15, 2013, 07:26:08 PM »
Somewhere there is a story where the poster's husband had a garlic allergy, and her step-monster made steak with chopped garlic on it, garlic bread and vegetables cooked in garlic butter because "Nobody could really be allergic to garlic." Then acted surprised that poster and hubby didn't stay for dinner.
Asharah

ZaftigWife

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #33 on: June 15, 2013, 07:35:18 PM »
I recently developed a new life-threatening allergy (to pineapple). I developed my allergies after I no longer lived at home and yet my mother is always so accommodating of my allergies, and those of my children.

So I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around a mother serving only things her child can not eat!

I developed my nut allergy about 5 years ago, and even though I've told my mother repeatedly about it, she always forgets.  I know it's not malicious; when she put pecans in every single side dish except the mashed potatoes one Thanksgiving, she felt terrible about it (and made much drama about the situation, but that's for another thread).

Danika

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #34 on: June 15, 2013, 08:52:53 PM »
I've been following this thread but haven't posted because I wasn't sure if my telling my story would add to the thread at all, but then something else happened to me that caused me to think more about this and I wanted to reply.

First, you were not rude to cancel. I think you were wise to do so. You were being put in a position where you were invited to come over and stay hungry while watching other people eat. And when you didn't eat, you'd either look like a jerk for snubbing your mom's food or like a liar for saying you're allergic to things while your mom could say that she didn't know you had those food issues. Even if everyone else knows about your food allergies, you'd still sit there sad and dejected while watching others eat. Or else you'd have to bring your own food and then look like a special snowflake for doing that. And it would be an insult to you, in front of others, that your own mother doesn't care enough to cook something you can eat.

I can relate to this situation. And I agree with the PPs that say that there's more going on here.

I'm my parents' only child. But my mother always claimed not to remember that I am allergic to nuts. Now, my nut allergy has never landed me in the ER. I just have my throat close up and my mouth itches, but I can survive a few bites from food that has nuts in it, and have done so on many occasions when I didn't know there would be nuts. But I don't eat a whole piece of whatever. My mother knows this because my allergy is not new.

I had a strained relationship with my parents and rarely saw them. Then, when I was pregnant, my mother wanted to be grandmother of the year and insisted upon throwing me a baby shower. It was going to be a shower for her friends and family only. After I resisted, and after a lot of convincing on her part, I figured, for her sake, because she was excited, I would accept the offer.

There is more to the story of our poor relationship. Then, when dessert came, she served a carrot cake that she made from scratch. I generally prefer chocolate cake. She announced "I made carrot cake because Danika loves carrot cake." I like it, not love it. But I figured there was no point in correcting her publicly and saying I don't love it... and then it had nuts in it. She baked it from scratch. There was no need for her to add nuts to it.

So I didn't even get to eat a piece of cake at a party that was allegedly for me. And when her friends asked me in a shocked tone why I wasn't having any cake, I replied "I'm allergic to nuts." And they looked at me incredulously and said "why would your mom put nuts in the cake then?" I replied "I don't know."

When I mentioned to my mom for the 1,000,000th time that I'm allergic to nuts, because I've told her at many other events, she said what she always says "I forgot." She has no food allergies. I think she thinks I'm making it up. Although, she has seen me have more severe reactions to other foods to which I am allergic (like Florida Fuerte Avocados). I can't fake swollen lips and a swollen tongue, so it's not just my imagination.

I was never sure why she put nuts in the cake. Maybe she wanted to test to see if I had a bad reaction, to call my bluff because she thinks I made the allergy up. She thinks all allergies are fake, not just mine, all allergies that any humans have. But there's more in our history. She always makes food, whines if I don't put enough on my plate and eat enough, and then calls me fat. So maybe she figured I was getting fat in my pregnancy and was "helping" me by not offering a dessert I could eat. At a party that I only attended to make her happy, by the way, because I didn't want that baby shower.

My mother is emotionally and verbally abusive in other ways. This is a small example. I wasn't going to post all of this here because it's a lot of drama and a tangent.

However, I got an email from an acquaintance yesterday and that put it in perspective for me so I wanted to post that tidbit.

We have a group of neighbors (ETA: same general neighborhood, but not living on the same street) who get together from time to time. I've met this acquaintance twice, never at her house or mine, but just at gatherings around town. I must have mentioned at some point that my doctor had me on a gluten-free diet, but I don't remember saying that. She's having an event at her house next weekend and it's potlock. I emailed her to get her address and she replied that she remembered that I had been on a gluten-free diet and wondered if I still were because she would modify what she planned to make.

This acquaintance, basically a stranger, remembered a diet that I was on for a limited time and was offering to help me! My own mother could not remember a life-long allergy of her only child, and when she did "accidentally" put nuts in something and was corrected by me and her friends, didn't even apologize.

My acquaintance/neighbor is more thoughtful and considerate than your mother and mine. Which explains why my mother has now been cut off completely for the past two years. Obviously, there's more to the story between me and my mother. I suspect there is with you too.

I say, good for you for protecting yourself from her manipulations. You were not rude. And even based on just this incident, I don't think she's very caring. Don't go. Be proud of yourself for protecting yourself and standing up for yourself.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2013, 08:59:39 PM by Danika »

TootsNYC

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #35 on: June 16, 2013, 06:08:30 PM »
Have you been allergic to these foods all your life and would your mother have cooked differently for you as a child?  I was diagnosed with more than a dozen food allergies and sensitivities last year at age 40.  Since I haven't lived with my parents in the past 18 years, my mother has not cooked for me regularly as she did when I was living with my parents at a young age.  Now she sometimes forgets what I can and cannot eat, simply because she never had to think about it when I was growing up.

Any chance this might be part of the issue now?

I'm perfectly willing to buy that. But I can't imagine any mother*--or any hostess--in my acquaintance who wouldn't say, "Oh, right! I forgot! OK, I'll make a small amount of X just for you" or "eek, it's going to be hard to make another dish; can I ask you to bring something?"



In other words, this:


I developed my nut allergy about 5 years ago, and even though I've told my mother repeatedly about it, she always forgets.  I know it's not malicious; when she put pecans in every single side dish except the mashed potatoes one Thanksgiving, she felt terrible about it (and made much drama about the situation, but that's for another thread).

OK, maybe the drama was bad, but at least she felt bad because it was too late to do anything about it.

That's what's weird to me.

(and a reminder to me--I never put pecans in every dish, but I've had meals where I've put pecans in one things, walnuts in another, and almonds in a third. I was cooking for family, and there were no allergies, but I'm going to remember for any larger/stranger gatherings I have, to not put nuts in EVERYthing!)


*I don't know--maybe some mothers would feel some "authority-based" need to insist that their children (even if grown) "behave" by "eating what's put in front of them." Or if there's a lot of drama, they might be exasperated about it--I know that I felt that way in the past w/ my daughter and her almost pathological need to have perfectly plain pasta, and all the fuss that was involved around it. I can think of one instance that I'm not proud of.

Roe

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #36 on: June 16, 2013, 07:13:53 PM »
I recently developed a new life-threatening allergy (to pineapple). I developed my allergies after I no longer lived at home and yet my mother is always so accommodating of my allergies, and those of my children.

So I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around a mother serving only things her child can not eat!

I developed my nut allergy about 5 years ago, and even though I've told my mother repeatedly about it, she always forgets.  I know it's not malicious; when she put pecans in every single side dish except the mashed potatoes one Thanksgiving, she felt terrible about it (and made much drama about the situation, but that's for another thread).

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that a person's MOTHER would forget something so important!  And then to add it to *every* dish.  Seems there is more here than a simple "I forgot." 

cicero

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #37 on: June 16, 2013, 08:28:28 PM »


Am I way out of line? I do admit that I'm furious that someone would invite me over and serve something that I can't eat.
You are not out of line.

I am assuming that there is more background to the story. I can't imagine a mother making a dinner that is centered on two foods you cannot eat, and expect you to come to dinner.

I always ask about allergies and also if people are vegetarians etc. What's the point of inviting someone to a meal that they can't eat.OK there is the socializing party but it's going to be awkward if the OP can't eat a thiing
« Last Edit: June 16, 2013, 08:30:36 PM by cicero »

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IrishGenes

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #38 on: June 16, 2013, 08:42:29 PM »
I recently developed a new life-threatening allergy (to pineapple). I developed my allergies after I no longer lived at home and yet my mother is always so accommodating of my allergies, and those of my children.

So I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around a mother serving only things her child can not eat!

I developed my nut allergy about 5 years ago, and even though I've told my mother repeatedly about it, she always forgets.  I know it's not malicious; when she put pecans in every single side dish except the mashed potatoes one Thanksgiving, she felt terrible about it (and made much drama about the situation, but that's for another thread).

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that a person's MOTHER would forget something so important!  And then to add it to *every* dish.  Seems there is more here than a simple "I forgot."

I agree that it seems odd that nuts were added to *every* dish.  However, just yesterday, my mother picked up take-out for our family and my sandwich had pesto on it (which, until several months ago, I didn't realize pine nuts were an ingredient in pesto).  She didn't remember my nut allergy, and I do know for certain that she would not have done this intentionally.  In some cases like my own family, it really can be a simple mistake.  I'm not saying it is a mistake with the OP, but I would really like to think so.
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Roe

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #39 on: June 16, 2013, 08:59:03 PM »
I recently developed a new life-threatening allergy (to pineapple). I developed my allergies after I no longer lived at home and yet my mother is always so accommodating of my allergies, and those of my children.

So I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around a mother serving only things her child can not eat!

I developed my nut allergy about 5 years ago, and even though I've told my mother repeatedly about it, she always forgets.  I know it's not malicious; when she put pecans in every single side dish except the mashed potatoes one Thanksgiving, she felt terrible about it (and made much drama about the situation, but that's for another thread).

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that a person's MOTHER would forget something so important!  And then to add it to *every* dish.  Seems there is more here than a simple "I forgot."

I agree that it seems odd that nuts were added to *every* dish.  However, just yesterday, my mother picked up take-out for our family and my sandwich had pesto on it (which, until several months ago, I didn't realize pine nuts were an ingredient in pesto).  She didn't remember my nut allergy, and I do know for certain that she would not have done this intentionally.  In some cases like my own family, it really can be a simple mistake.  I'm not saying it is a mistake with the OP, but I would really like to think so.

A sandwich with pesto, I could see how that might work.  I wouldn't think pesto contained nuts either.   But a quick take out sandwich with pesto is not the same thing as a Thanksgiving meal where one can only eat the mashed potatoes!  Not the same thing at all. 

ZaftigWife

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #40 on: June 17, 2013, 12:50:41 AM »
I just can't wrap my head around the fact that a person's MOTHER would forget something so important!  And then to add it to *every* dish.  Seems there is more here than a simple "I forgot."

There was sweet potato casserole with pecans, two kinds of stuffing (one with pecans, one with chestnuts and pecans), broccoli casserole with pecans, and pecan pie for dessert.  I am not joking! 

The next time I saw my allergist and he asked about any exposures, I told him about Thanksgiving; he stared at me for several seconds before asking, "Does your mother hate you?"

At least I got to eat turkey and mashed potatoes. :D

hannahmollysmom

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #41 on: June 17, 2013, 02:04:30 AM »
While my kids and son-in-law are not allergic to anything, there are still several things they do not like. When I have a family gathering, I still try to make dishes that I know at least one of them likes. I serve several dishes to try an accommodate them, as I want them to enjoy coming to dinner. I would never make a meal that I know none of them would eat.

Seraphine1

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #42 on: June 17, 2013, 03:15:50 AM »
Just a note about pesto - I'm allergic to tree nuts, but can still have pine nuts (which are technically seeds, not nuts).  Some brands of pesto are fine for me.

However, if they use cashews as well as pine nuts, I'm toast.  I'm a pretty avid label reader!

Allyson

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #43 on: June 17, 2013, 03:27:01 AM »
As for someone forgetting, I can see that happening. Some people do have genuinely bad memories, and are not being manipulative or evil or uncaring. I think it depends on a few things, like is this person forgetful about everything, or do they just conveniently 'forget' things they don't want to deal with? Also, is it an adult allergy and the person never lived at home while dealing with it? And, is there a big long list of allergies and the parent forgot one?

MamaMootz

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Re: I cancelled dinner plans
« Reply #44 on: June 17, 2013, 08:20:49 AM »
Somewhere there is a story where the poster's husband had a garlic allergy, and her step-monster made steak with chopped garlic on it, garlic bread and vegetables cooked in garlic butter because "Nobody could really be allergic to garlic." Then acted surprised that poster and hubby didn't stay for dinner.

That was me, Asharah. She to this day does not think she did anything wrong, and thinks that we did it on purpose to drive a wedge between her and my dad. And we both walked out at the time she did it. And I explained to my dad why, but never got an apology. We just don't eat over there anymore.
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