Author Topic: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105, #161  (Read 17525 times)

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nolechica

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #120 on: June 15, 2013, 01:39:38 AM »
This is why I'm so glad I went ahead and cut my hair in May, that way next February there will be no why are you ruining my pictures talk?  My sister and I have other things to hash out.  I say cut it and dye it, it's your hair, not hers and her piercings make me think she's being a SS.

delabela

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #121 on: June 15, 2013, 01:57:17 AM »
This is why I'm so glad I went ahead and cut my hair in May, that way next February there will be no why are you ruining my pictures talk?  My sister and I have other things to hash out.  I say cut it and dye it, it's your hair, not hers and her piercings make me think she's being a SS.

Why?  You have no idea if she plans to wear the piercings.  And frankly, a nose ring and upper ear piercing are significantly less noticeable than purple hair (I'm assuming she's wearing a dress that covers the belly button ring).  Not to mention she's the actual bride, so kind of likely to be in attention grabbing attire anyway.  If she was threatening to never speak to the OP again if she cut her hair, sure, then she'd be an SS.  But at the very worst, she's expressed a mild disappointment. 

MariaE

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #122 on: June 15, 2013, 03:18:53 AM »
As cake eater says, it's totally normal here to match. This is not an out of the ordinary request, and if this was a deal breaker going in, then perhaps the op shouldn't have agreed to participate. The op is not a guest, she's in the bridal party and she would have known beforehand. And, just as a point of order the bride had not demanded anything. In fact she has said in both cases do what you want, but has expressed a wish for her to hold off for a bit specifically with regards to the colour, but even then has said go ahead if you want to.

To the bolded - exactly. I'm pretty sure that if the OP was attending as a guest rather than part of the WP the response would be different.

OP - I'd be really annoyed about you changing your hair so dramatically just before my wedding. It really would ruin the pictures, because as Toots has said, the purple hair will stand out. And if you hate it, and never have it done again, it means that for two months, right at the time of my wedding, when I'd like a matching bridal party, as has traditionally been the case here, you've gone out and got a really different look for only that time period. It's just not cool.

CakeEater brings up a really good point here.
 
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nolechica

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #123 on: June 15, 2013, 04:25:52 AM »
This is why I'm so glad I went ahead and cut my hair in May, that way next February there will be no why are you ruining my pictures talk?  My sister and I have other things to hash out.  I say cut it and dye it, it's your hair, not hers and her piercings make me think she's being a SS.

Why?  You have no idea if she plans to wear the piercings.  And frankly, a nose ring and upper ear piercing are significantly less noticeable than purple hair (I'm assuming she's wearing a dress that covers the belly button ring).  Not to mention she's the actual bride, so kind of likely to be in attention grabbing attire anyway.  If she was threatening to never speak to the OP again if she cut her hair, sure, then she'd be an SS.  But at the very worst, she's expressed a mild disappointment.

That depends on what piercings she has in those holes, but I'd still go through with the hairdo.

perpetua

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #124 on: June 15, 2013, 06:18:43 AM »
I'm really struggling to understand the opinions here.

If what the bride wants is a perfect-looking day with matching people and perfect photographs then perhaps she should hire models or cardboard cut out stand ins.

If on the other hand what she wants is for the most special people in her life to stand up and celebrate the marriage with her, then what difference does it make what colour their hair is?

What's more important? Photographs or people? The spirit of the wedding day or the look of it? What's the purpose of wedding photographs anyway? To be able to look back and think "What a wonderful day with all the people closest to me" or "Didn't my wedding look fantastic?" I hope to heaven it's the former.

I also don't understand the 'upstaging' argument. If a bride is so insecure that she thinks she can be upstaged on her big day by a *haircut*, when everyone has come to see her wedding, then... wow.

OP, it's your hair. Wear it how you want.

peaches

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #125 on: June 15, 2013, 06:51:06 AM »
I recommend cutting your hair (if you wish) and delaying the color change till after the wedding.

The thing about color is that it doesn't always work out well. You could end up with a bad outcome that could be expensive to fix. Since finances are a consideration right now, that is another aspect to consider.

When I went away to college (many years ago), one of the first things I did was to add highlights to my sandy brown hair. This was a do-it-yourself project. I wanted this because my father would never let me tamper with my hair color when I lived at home. Well, it was a disaster. For some reason, the product brought out redness in my hair, and I looked more like a redhead than anything else. I panicked, as my brother's wedding was coming up soon.

I went to a salon, and they put a brown rinse on my hair, which turned it almost black. That looked really bad (think Elvira, with blue eyes and pale skin). Finally I found a salon that said they could use a dye remover that should get my hair back to normal. So they did that, and it did rinse out the dyes. My hair was basically its normal color, but with auburn highlights, a leftover effect from all of the dyes. (Strangely, my Dad never commented on this at the wedding.) I had chosen a deep pink dress for the wedding that really didn't go with my new hair. I can't remember what all of this cost me, but it ruined my budget for the semester.

So OP, do yourself (and your sister) a favor and save any dramatic hair experiments for after the wedding.
 

TurtleDove

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #126 on: June 15, 2013, 07:01:19 AM »
Perpetua, many of us have explained that in general we agree with you, but in this case it does not seem to be about the hair. The OP does not seem to be close to her sister and seems to not want to be a part of the day. Her new hairstyle would be a symbol in the photos of how irritated and passive aggressive the OP is about this wedding, not "oh, the OP always has such fun hairstyles - how great the relationship between OP and her sister on her wedding day!"

In short, the advice you don't understand is not based on whether someone (generic) should be able to wear their hair how they want when standing up in a wedding. It is based on this specific OP's apparent motivations for changing her hairstyle as a passive aggressive dig at her sister on her wedding day, a dig that will be memorialized in photos, with a hairdo that won't upstage the bride but does highlight the personal tension between OP and her sister on a day that shouldn't be about that.

Venus193

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #127 on: June 15, 2013, 07:05:20 AM »
My hair disaster happened on a Thanksgiving Eve.  I wanted to have it "cellophaned" into a Titian color.  What I had no idea about was that this process can only be done on virgin hair, which mine wasn't (It had been bleached using Sun In and a hairdryer). 

My hair turned brown with green highlights.  The operator panicked.  I was apprehensive, as I was also heading to fencing practice and my great love was the fencing master.  They told me they couldn't do any more for me then and said to come back on Friday when the manager was there.  My boyfriend didn't show at fencing practice due to a subway incident that left him stuck in a tunnel for almost two hours.  When I got home I called my mother to tell her what happened with my hair so I wouldn't hear any nasty comments the next day.  Then I bathed and washed my hair.  The dye started to bleed, so I repeated until that stopped.  When I was done the green was gone but I was still a brunette, which didn't please me.  My mother asked me what the problem was, saying the hair wasn't so bad. 

The next day the manager chewed out the operators, asking "Don't you go to the trade shows?  You're not supposed to do this procedure to hair that isn't virgin."  He then corrected it and I got the result I wanted.  Which in the end I didn't repeat because that color photographs very badly and looks neon on security monitors.

perpetua

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #128 on: June 15, 2013, 07:05:31 AM »
Turtledove - if the OP had said "I'm going to wear my hair like this because I know my sister will hate it" I'd agree with you, but I don't see where she's said that, unless I've missed it. From what I understand the OP wants her hair like that because she wants her hair like that.

No, the day shouldn't be about that. It should be about the marriage. Hair is rather inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, or at least it should be.

CakeEater

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #129 on: June 15, 2013, 07:39:32 AM »
I'm really struggling to understand the opinions here.

If what the bride wants is a perfect-looking day with matching people and perfect photographs then perhaps she should hire models or cardboard cut out stand ins.

If on the other hand what she wants is for the most special people in her life to stand up and celebrate the marriage with her, then what difference does it make what colour their hair is?

What's more important? Photographs or people? The spirit of the wedding day or the look of it? What's the purpose of wedding photographs anyway? To be able to look back and think "What a wonderful day with all the people closest to me" or "Didn't my wedding look fantastic?" I hope to heaven it's the former.

I also don't understand the 'upstaging' argument. If a bride is so insecure that she thinks she can be upstaged on her big day by a *haircut*, when everyone has come to see her wedding, then... wow.

OP, it's your hair. Wear it how you want.

This argument is often given here, especially the cardboard cutouts or actors bit. It always seems to imply that anyone who wants their wedding to be a certain way - especially the look of their bridal party - is some kind of shallow dictator who only cares about putting on a show.

Well, all weddings are about a show to a certain extent. Of course they're about the ceremony of commitment, but if that was the only thing anyone cared about, why does anyone dress up? Why do we have wedding dresses, and fancy cake, and bouquets and flowers arrangements and special cars?

Most people ask their guests to adhere to a dress code. If we were only allowed to care about the spirit of the day and not the look of it, we'd be happy if everyone turned up in their pyjama bottoms if that's how they were happiest. It's a pretty rare wedding that is set up like that.

If we were only allowed to care about people, and not photographs, it wouldn't be OK to drag your bridal party down to the beach and ask them pose for photos. It wouldn't be OK to have your wedding on the beach at sunset because you like that look, because Great Aunt Mary doesn't really like sand between her toes, and we care more about people than looks, right?

People spend a lot of time, money and effort making their wedding look a certain way, yes, partly for the photos. As to the bolded, those two concepts aren't mutually exclusive. I look at my wedding photos and think both of those things.

Being in the bridal party, especially in Australia where the OP is, means matching dresses, hairstyles, and often jewellery and makeup. It's a look, just like asking everyone to dress formally. I wouldn't accept the job if I didn't want to do that.

We don't know why the OP's sister asked her to be a bridesmaid, but she did it under the assumption that the OP would look substantially like she did at the time of asking, especially given the update that the OP hasn't had a haircut in 5 years. She's not a completely shallow person who only cares about her photos because she wants her wedding to look like the vast majority of weddings she has ever been to ie. matching bridal party.

And as many have said - it's not about being upstaged by a haircut. It's about the stir it would cause if your normally conservative-looking sister had a radically different look just before your wedding. Regardless of how much the OP intends the new style to be just for her, the bride and others are going to assume that's she's doing it to make a statement. It's the statement, and not the cut, that has the potential to upstage the event.

Does the OP want her sister to spend the day of her wedding telling people that, no, sister and I aren't fighting - she didn't do her hair like that to annoy me, etc etc. And of course people shouldn't ask/gossip, but some will, and it might just take some of the shine off for the bride. All of which is avoidable if the OP just waits 6 weeks to get her hair done.


 

KenveeB

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #130 on: June 15, 2013, 08:26:41 AM »
This is why I'm so glad I went ahead and cut my hair in May, that way next February there will be no why are you ruining my pictures talk?  My sister and I have other things to hash out.  I say cut it and dye it, it's your hair, not hers and her piercings make me think she's being a SS.

Why?  You have no idea if she plans to wear the piercings.  And frankly, a nose ring and upper ear piercing are significantly less noticeable than purple hair (I'm assuming she's wearing a dress that covers the belly button ring).  Not to mention she's the actual bride, so kind of likely to be in attention grabbing attire anyway.  If she was threatening to never speak to the OP again if she cut her hair, sure, then she'd be an SS.  But at the very worst, she's expressed a mild disappointment.

Not to mention that she's had the piercings etc for long enough that it's a part of who she is. It's not a sudden decision to dramatically change her looks right before the wedding. If OP had had this style for a long time (or at least before she was asked to be in the wedding) and the bride wanted her to change it, that would be a different story. But this hair isn't "part of who OP is." It's a change she suddenly wants to make, and Bride just asked her to hold off making it for a couple of extra weeks.

Turtledove - if the OP had said "I'm going to wear my hair like this because I know my sister will hate it" I'd agree with you, but I don't see where she's said that, unless I've missed it. From what I understand the OP wants her hair like that because she wants her hair like that.

I don't think she has to say it. I think it's coming across strongly in her actions. OP is obviously very unhappy about a lot of aspects about the wedding, including aspects that are completely 100% normal, particularly in her area. And she suddenly decides after 5 years of a particular hairstyle that she has to get a very dramatic, attention-getting cut and color right before her sister's wedding that she's unhappy with? She already knows (based on the comments in the first thread) that matching hair was something her sister was planning on, but now she's going to get this done just before the wedding? Sorry, but it's coming across loud and clear to met how she feels.

And more importantly, even if it's all just a total coincidence and not connected at all, that's still how most people are going to see it. Do you really want to be looking at pictures in 20 years and someone says, "Yeah, there's OP with her stupid purple hair, she was SO mad about Sis's wedding!" That's the point PPs have made about pictures lasting forever. And if everyone who sees the picture is constantly reminded that OP was mad about the wedding and went and dyed her hair purple out of spite, that's going to be what they remember, whether it's true or not.

sweetonsno

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #131 on: June 15, 2013, 09:19:55 AM »

Being in the bridal party, especially in Australia where the OP is, means matching dresses, hairstyles, and often jewellery and makeup. It's a look, just like asking everyone to dress formally. I wouldn't accept the job if I didn't want to do that.

We don't know why the OP's sister asked her to be a bridesmaid, but she did it under the assumption that the OP would look substantially like she did at the time of asking, especially given the update that the OP hasn't had a haircut in 5 years. She's not a completely shallow person who only cares about her photos because she wants her wedding to look like the vast majority of weddings she has ever been to ie. matching bridal party.


This, especially the bolded. The whole thing sounds a bit like a backwards version of the bait and switch. The invitation was extended under a particular assumption (based on cultural norms and an individual's long-standing habits), and now the invitee wants to change the terms.

*inviteseller

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #132 on: June 15, 2013, 09:28:35 AM »
I think it is wrong for brides to dictate what the wedding party looks like when it gets extreme (telling them to change hair completely, tan, lose weight ect), but in this case, I can see her getting upset that you want to do something so drastically different right at the time of the wedding.  If you had been sporting purple hair all along and she told you to change it...that is rude for her to say, but to make the drastic change right at the time of the wedding?  That seems like you are thumbing your nose at her.  So what if she has piercings?  She has had them for awhile, and they can come out for the wedding.  I know what it is like to give up hair styles for household needs...but if you have waited this long, a few more weeks will not hurt.  Honestly, it really doesn't sound like you want to be in the wedding due to either the expense or the fact that you don't get along with your sister, so I would suggest at this point to drop out.  I don't believe in the theory of "well I was in her wedding so I have to be in hers."  To be expected to have someone in my wedding party because I have to reciprocate or because they are family isn't right and it is obvious when one party doesn't want to be there. 

Snooks

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #133 on: June 15, 2013, 10:14:56 AM »
I really feel for your sister.  She's the last one to get married and she's done everything she was supposed to do for her big sisters' weddings, maybe at fifteen/twenty she didn't want to do any of the things she did for you or  your sister's wedding but she did them, either because she didn't want to upset you or because she didn't think she could say anything.  Now both you and your other sister have baulked at her hen party, you didn't want to set off from your family home with her and the other bridesmaids and now you want to change the hairstyle you've had for the last five years which could come across as spotlight stealing.

Your attitude comes across to me as "mommyjacking" and patronising to your sister.  All she wants is her wedding, the same way you got your wedding, let her have that.

Olympia

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58 p4
« Reply #134 on: June 15, 2013, 10:49:02 AM »
At lot more efficient to get it done at all once, though, when you consider coming up with time for the appointment, travelling there, etc...and would they charge the same for two separate appointments as they would for one?  I don't know enough about hair stylists to say. Plus it's way more fun to see the final effect all at once!

True. Plus, there's the fun of the anticipation. 8 weeks it is, then! :D