Author Topic: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105, #161  (Read 18296 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #135 on: June 15, 2013, 11:03:38 AM »
I'm really struggling to understand the opinions here.

If what the bride wants is a perfect-looking day with matching people and perfect photographs then perhaps she should hire models or cardboard cut out stand ins.

If on the other hand what she wants is for the most special people in her life to stand up and celebrate the marriage with her, then what difference does it make what colour their hair is?

What's more important? Photographs or people? The spirit of the wedding day or the look of it? What's the purpose of wedding photographs anyway? To be able to look back and think "What a wonderful day with all the people closest to me" or "Didn't my wedding look fantastic?" I hope to heaven it's the former.

I also don't understand the 'upstaging' argument. If a bride is so insecure that she thinks she can be upstaged on her big day by a *haircut*, when everyone has come to see her wedding, then... wow.

OP, it's your hair. Wear it how you want.

Actually, *MY* argument (and I am the one who has been most vocal about the pictures) is that the pictures WILL be about the people and the emotions, and NOT the visuals.

And that what will be captured, and will remain, and will be brought back EVERY time those pictures are looked at (by the bride, not by the bridesmaid--honestly, how many bridesmaids show the pics to their children and grandchildren? BRIDES do that.), is the NEGATIVE EMOTIONS that surround this issue.

That's what has happened to me w/ my marriage license. I found it in the "important documents" folder recently, and was irritated all over again, that my immature BIL treated the *solemnizing* of MY MARRIAGE and the witnessing of *MY* legal document like an opportunity to show off how iconoclastic he was by drawing cartoons around his signature.

Every time the OP's sister looks at her wedding pictures and sees her sister with purple hair, she is going to be annoyed and irritated. She is going to remember that her sister ASKED HER about her hair and then IGNORED HER request. Every time.

And you know what--why did the OP even talk to her sister about this, if she wasn't going to actually follow the request her sister made? Why bring it up, if she's just going to decide she doesn't give a flying leap about her sister's preference?

She *KNEW* it might be a problem, and if she didn't want to take her sister's preferences or her sister's wedding into consideration, she should just have kept her mouth shut and gone and gotten her hair cut and dyed.


perpetua

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #136 on: June 15, 2013, 11:16:25 AM »
I'm really struggling to understand the opinions here.

If what the bride wants is a perfect-looking day with matching people and perfect photographs then perhaps she should hire models or cardboard cut out stand ins.

If on the other hand what she wants is for the most special people in her life to stand up and celebrate the marriage with her, then what difference does it make what colour their hair is?

What's more important? Photographs or people? The spirit of the wedding day or the look of it? What's the purpose of wedding photographs anyway? To be able to look back and think "What a wonderful day with all the people closest to me" or "Didn't my wedding look fantastic?" I hope to heaven it's the former.

I also don't understand the 'upstaging' argument. If a bride is so insecure that she thinks she can be upstaged on her big day by a *haircut*, when everyone has come to see her wedding, then... wow.

OP, it's your hair. Wear it how you want.

Actually, *MY* argument (and I am the one who has been most vocal about the pictures) is that the pictures WILL be about the people and the emotions, and NOT the visuals.

And that what will be captured, and will remain, and will be brought back EVERY time those pictures are looked at (by the bride, not by the bridesmaid--honestly, how many bridesmaids show the pics to their children and grandchildren? BRIDES do that.), is the NEGATIVE EMOTIONS that surround this issue.

That's what has happened to me w/ my marriage license. I found it in the "important documents" folder recently, and was irritated all over again, that my immature BIL treated the *solemnizing* of MY MARRIAGE and the witnessing of *MY* legal document like an opportunity to show off how iconoclastic he was by drawing cartoons around his signature.

Every time the OP's sister looks at her wedding pictures and sees her sister with purple hair, she is going to be annoyed and irritated. She is going to remember that her sister ASKED HER about her hair and then IGNORED HER request. Every time.

And you know what--why did the OP even talk to her sister about this, if she wasn't going to actually follow the request her sister made? Why bring it up, if she's just going to decide she doesn't give a flying leap about her sister's preference?

She *KNEW* it might be a problem, and if she didn't want to take her sister's preferences or her sister's wedding into consideration, she should just have kept her mouth shut and gone and gotten her hair cut and dyed.

I'm not sure why you're shouting at me, TootsNYC. Perhaps if you could phrase your response without all the caps, we could have a discussion about your point?

Olympia

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #137 on: June 15, 2013, 11:21:46 AM »
I'm really struggling to understand the opinions here.

If what the bride wants is a perfect-looking day with matching people and perfect photographs then perhaps she should hire models or cardboard cut out stand ins.

If on the other hand what she wants is for the most special people in her life to stand up and celebrate the marriage with her, then what difference does it make what colour their hair is?

What's more important? Photographs or people? The spirit of the wedding day or the look of it? What's the purpose of wedding photographs anyway? To be able to look back and think "What a wonderful day with all the people closest to me" or "Didn't my wedding look fantastic?" I hope to heaven it's the former.

I also don't understand the 'upstaging' argument. If a bride is so insecure that she thinks she can be upstaged on her big day by a *haircut*, when everyone has come to see her wedding, then... wow.

OP, it's your hair. Wear it how you want.

Actually, *MY* argument (and I am the one who has been most vocal about the pictures) is that the pictures WILL be about the people and the emotions, and NOT the visuals.

And that what will be captured, and will remain, and will be brought back EVERY time those pictures are looked at (by the bride, not by the bridesmaid--honestly, how many bridesmaids show the pics to their children and grandchildren? BRIDES do that.), is the NEGATIVE EMOTIONS that surround this issue.

That's what has happened to me w/ my marriage license. I found it in the "important documents" folder recently, and was irritated all over again, that my immature BIL treated the *solemnizing* of MY MARRIAGE and the witnessing of *MY* legal document like an opportunity to show off how iconoclastic he was by drawing cartoons around his signature.

Every time the OP's sister looks at her wedding pictures and sees her sister with purple hair, she is going to be annoyed and irritated. She is going to remember that her sister ASKED HER about her hair and then IGNORED HER request. Every time.

And you know what--why did the OP even talk to her sister about this, if she wasn't going to actually follow the request her sister made? Why bring it up, if she's just going to decide she doesn't give a flying leap about her sister's preference?

She *KNEW* it might be a problem, and if she didn't want to take her sister's preferences or her sister's wedding into consideration, she should just have kept her mouth shut and gone and gotten her hair cut and dyed.

I'm not sure why you're shouting at me, TootsNYC. Perhaps if you could phrase your response without all the caps, we could have a discussion about your point?

I think you might be confusing shouting with using capital letters for emphasis.

Surianne

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #138 on: June 15, 2013, 11:23:01 AM »
Turtledove - if the OP had said "I'm going to wear my hair like this because I know my sister will hate it" I'd agree with you, but I don't see where she's said that, unless I've missed it. From what I understand the OP wants her hair like that because she wants her hair like that.

No, the day shouldn't be about that. It should be about the marriage. Hair is rather inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, or at least it should be.

I agree.  I'm just not seeing the passive aggressiveness from the OP that others are.  From my reading, it sounds like she wants to get a new haircut and colour for her birthday because she'll enjoy it. 

I'm pretty partial to my long hair -- I can't imagine cutting and dyeing it just to annoy my sister!

perpetua

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #139 on: June 15, 2013, 11:23:31 AM »
I'm really struggling to understand the opinions here.

If what the bride wants is a perfect-looking day with matching people and perfect photographs then perhaps she should hire models or cardboard cut out stand ins.

If on the other hand what she wants is for the most special people in her life to stand up and celebrate the marriage with her, then what difference does it make what colour their hair is?

What's more important? Photographs or people? The spirit of the wedding day or the look of it? What's the purpose of wedding photographs anyway? To be able to look back and think "What a wonderful day with all the people closest to me" or "Didn't my wedding look fantastic?" I hope to heaven it's the former.

I also don't understand the 'upstaging' argument. If a bride is so insecure that she thinks she can be upstaged on her big day by a *haircut*, when everyone has come to see her wedding, then... wow.

OP, it's your hair. Wear it how you want.

Actually, *MY* argument (and I am the one who has been most vocal about the pictures) is that the pictures WILL be about the people and the emotions, and NOT the visuals.

And that what will be captured, and will remain, and will be brought back EVERY time those pictures are looked at (by the bride, not by the bridesmaid--honestly, how many bridesmaids show the pics to their children and grandchildren? BRIDES do that.), is the NEGATIVE EMOTIONS that surround this issue.

That's what has happened to me w/ my marriage license. I found it in the "important documents" folder recently, and was irritated all over again, that my immature BIL treated the *solemnizing* of MY MARRIAGE and the witnessing of *MY* legal document like an opportunity to show off how iconoclastic he was by drawing cartoons around his signature.

Every time the OP's sister looks at her wedding pictures and sees her sister with purple hair, she is going to be annoyed and irritated. She is going to remember that her sister ASKED HER about her hair and then IGNORED HER request. Every time.

And you know what--why did the OP even talk to her sister about this, if she wasn't going to actually follow the request her sister made? Why bring it up, if she's just going to decide she doesn't give a flying leap about her sister's preference?

She *KNEW* it might be a problem, and if she didn't want to take her sister's preferences or her sister's wedding into consideration, she should just have kept her mouth shut and gone and gotten her hair cut and dyed.

I'm not sure why you're shouting at me, TootsNYC. Perhaps if you could phrase your response without all the caps, we could have a discussion about your point?

I think you might be confusing shouting with using capital letters for emphasis.

Accepted netiquette has unnecessary caps equal to shouting, at least in my part of the world.

delabela

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #140 on: June 15, 2013, 11:26:41 AM »
Turtledove - if the OP had said "I'm going to wear my hair like this because I know my sister will hate it" I'd agree with you, but I don't see where she's said that, unless I've missed it. From what I understand the OP wants her hair like that because she wants her hair like that.

No, the day shouldn't be about that. It should be about the marriage. Hair is rather inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, or at least it should be.

I agree.  I'm just not seeing the passive aggressiveness from the OP that others are.  From my reading, it sounds like she wants to get a new haircut and colour for her birthday because she'll enjoy it. 

I'm pretty partial to my long hair -- I can't imagine cutting and dyeing it just to annoy my sister!

After 5 years, an inability to wait 6 weeks is certainly suspect.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2013, 11:28:23 AM by delabela »

Surianne

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #141 on: June 15, 2013, 11:39:43 AM »
I'm not getting where the 5 years thing is coming from delabela?  Do you mean not having a new hairstyle in 5 years?  I don't see anything suspect about that.  Not everyone changes their hair often.  The OP wants to do it for a milestone birthday, which I assume also doesn't happen that often.  And it's not an inability to wait 6 weeks - there's just no reason she needs to, because the bride's demands are (to me) unreasonable.   

Edit:  Here's another thought.  If the main concern is that the OP will take attention away from the bride, can she get the cut done now and make sure that her family and friends see it before the wedding?  Post photos on Facebook, perhaps.  Then any chatter about the haircut will happen now, a full 6 weeks before the wedding, and it won't be even remotely tied to the wedding.  Everyone will be over the excitement (if there is any) of the new hair by the day of the wedding.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2013, 11:41:27 AM by Surianne »

KenveeB

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #142 on: June 15, 2013, 12:00:04 PM »
I really feel for your sister.  She's the last one to get married and she's done everything she was supposed to do for her big sisters' weddings, maybe at fifteen/twenty she didn't want to do any of the things she did for you or  your sister's wedding but she did them, either because she didn't want to upset you or because she didn't think she could say anything.  Now both you and your other sister have baulked at her hen party, you didn't want to set off from your family home with her and the other bridesmaids and now you want to change the hairstyle you've had for the last five years which could come across as spotlight stealing.

Your attitude comes across to me as "mommyjacking" and patronising to your sister.  All she wants is her wedding, the same way you got your wedding, let her have that.

Poddity pod pod! I've been in several weddings and done a lot of stuff I didn't really want to, but it was stuff the bride wanted. (And wasn't bridezilla, just reasonable requests.) If at my wedding all of my bridesmaids all of a sudden don't want to be bothered with all this stuff because they have other things going on in their lives, I'm would be really hurt. So it's okay for them to make demands of me for their weddings, but I shouldn't do anything for my own? I've had other stuff going on in my life for every single wedding I've been in, but I still did the wedding stuff because it was about my friend.

Tea Drinker

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #143 on: June 15, 2013, 12:35:31 PM »
Maybe you could offer the compromise of getting the haircut you want now, and having it dyed later, if your sister will pay for the second hairdresser's appointment. That way she doesn't have a purple-haired bridesmaid, and you don't have the extra expense of two hairdressing appointments at a time when your budget is tight.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

mstigerlily

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #144 on: June 15, 2013, 12:56:37 PM »
I'm on Team Cut Now-Color Later.

I've dyed my hair several times. I have naturally darker hair and have highlighted my hair in varying shades of red, and once, purple. The purple barely showed because we didn't bleach the highlighted parts first. However the reds often showed up very bright, even once being more like orange and hot pink before they faded to more natural reds. The next time the same dyes looked natural from the start. You never know.

Maybe you could offer the compromise of getting the haircut you want now, and having it dyed later, if your sister will pay for the second hairdresser's appointment. That way she doesn't have a purple-haired bridesmaid, and you don't have the extra expense of two hairdressing appointments at a time when your budget is tight.
This is not a great idea. First, it'll probably cost your sister a lot of money- my highlights can vary, probably averaging between 50-65 dollars for a 'sunburst'. As a bride, I'd be a little annoyed by that. Secondly, it's bad for your hair! With dyes and bleaches that doing that in such a quick turn around could really do some damage. If you dye your hair now, dye it for the wedding, and then dye it back after the wedding- hopefully you'd just end up with damage, not breakage.

CookieChica

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #145 on: June 15, 2013, 01:04:57 PM »
OP, why are you in this wedding? You don't seem interested or excited about any part of it. And that's fine for someone who is just showing up the day of and suffering through a few hours but it seems in bad taste for a member of the bridal party.

I think we're all rehashing a million things here and making assumptions about OP and OP's sister that are unfair. Bottom line: Sister has begrudgingly but without ultimatum told the OP to do what she wants.

sparksals

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #146 on: June 15, 2013, 01:09:15 PM »
Perpetua, many of us have explained that in general we agree with you, but in this case it does not seem to be about the hair. The OP does not seem to be close to her sister and seems to not want to be a part of the day. Her new hairstyle would be a symbol in the photos of how irritated and passive aggressive the OP is about this wedding, not "oh, the OP always has such fun hairstyles - how great the relationship between OP and her sister on her wedding day!"

In short, the advice you don't understand is not based on whether someone (generic) should be able to wear their hair how they want when standing up in a wedding. It is based on this specific OP's apparent motivations for changing her hairstyle as a passive aggressive dig at her sister on her wedding day, a dig that will be memorialized in photos, with a hairdo that won't upstage the bride but does highlight the personal tension between OP and her sister on a day that shouldn't be about that.


Parking my pod right here. 

sparksals

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #147 on: June 15, 2013, 01:11:28 PM »


<snipped>

I don't think she has to say it. I think it's coming across strongly in her actions. OP is obviously very unhappy about a lot of aspects about the wedding, including aspects that are completely 100% normal, particularly in her area. And she suddenly decides after 5 years of a particular hairstyle that she has to get a very dramatic, attention-getting cut and color right before her sister's wedding that she's unhappy with? She already knows (based on the comments in the first thread) that matching hair was something her sister was planning on, but now she's going to get this done just before the wedding? Sorry, but it's coming across loud and clear to met how she feels.

And more importantly, even if it's all just a total coincidence and not connected at all, that's still how most people are going to see it. Do you really want to be looking at pictures in 20 years and someone says, "Yeah, there's OP with her stupid purple hair, she was SO mad about Sis's wedding!" That's the point PPs have made about pictures lasting forever. And if everyone who sees the picture is constantly reminded that OP was mad about the wedding and went and dyed her hair purple out of spite, that's going to be what they remember, whether it's true or not.


ITA - There are unkind motivations from the OP.

sparksals

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #148 on: June 15, 2013, 01:13:28 PM »
I really feel for your sister.  She's the last one to get married and she's done everything she was supposed to do for her big sisters' weddings, maybe at fifteen/twenty she didn't want to do any of the things she did for you or  your sister's wedding but she did them, either because she didn't want to upset you or because she didn't think she could say anything.  Now both you and your other sister have baulked at her hen party, you didn't want to set off from your family home with her and the other bridesmaids and now you want to change the hairstyle you've had for the last five years which could come across as spotlight stealing.

Your attitude comes across to me as "mommyjacking" and patronising to your sister.  All she wants is her wedding, the same way you got your wedding, let her have that.

Poddity pod pod! I've been in several weddings and done a lot of stuff I didn't really want to, but it was stuff the bride wanted. (And wasn't bridezilla, just reasonable requests.) If at my wedding all of my bridesmaids all of a sudden don't want to be bothered with all this stuff because they have other things going on in their lives, I'm would be really hurt. So it's okay for them to make demands of me for their weddings, but I shouldn't do anything for my own? I've had other stuff going on in my life for every single wedding I've been in, but I still did the wedding stuff because it was about my friend.


Podding the pods.


SoCalVal

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #149 on: June 15, 2013, 01:22:44 PM »
I also think, if you must, cut your hair now and dye it after the wedding.  Putting aside the fact it is YOUR hair or any of the negatives attached to this particular situation, you are going to be participating in someone's wedding, never mind that it's your sister's wedding.  Take the high road and wait to color your hair until after the wedding.

While your sister may not have the right to dictate what you do with your own hair, is this really a hill worth dying on?  As others have pointed out, it's been five years so another eight weeks is minor.  As you have pointed out, you don't know how the dye will take so why not wait until after the wedding?  To me, it wouldn't be worth the possible fallout.  Yes, your sister is not happy, but, "guilt-tripping" tone aside, she did ultimately say it's up to you.  However, was she supposed to lie and act like she was okay with it?  When I know my feelings about something make me a bit of an SS, I will tell DH this and tell him I know I'm out of line and that the decision is ultimately his but that, honestly, I know I won't be happy about it.  Your sister is telling you what she knows is the right thing -- it's your hair so it's up to you.  Granted -- she probably should've been upfront and said what she was feeling, instead of using a guilt-tripping tone, that she wouldn't be happy with you coloring your hair.  However, it sounds like there have already been so many problems between you regarding her wedding that it wasn't worth addressing directly (and, I know, I just wouldn't want to deal with discussing it further but would be unable to leave the emotion out of my voice).

For me, I wouldn't think it worth it if I were you.  Two months more to make the dramatic change I'm gifting myself for the sake of letting someone else's special day be more important?  Sure, why not?  In the end, I'll know I took the high road and that there shouldn't be any fallout resulting from my actions because I chose to go this way (and I've recently taken the high road a few times lately when I've wanted very much to go in the other direction).

In this situation -- your hair, your choice but so not worth it to me knowing the bride's not thrilled about it.