Author Topic: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105, #161  (Read 17583 times)

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Olympia

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #150 on: June 15, 2013, 01:49:17 PM »
I'm really struggling to understand the opinions here.

If what the bride wants is a perfect-looking day with matching people and perfect photographs then perhaps she should hire models or cardboard cut out stand ins.

If on the other hand what she wants is for the most special people in her life to stand up and celebrate the marriage with her, then what difference does it make what colour their hair is?

What's more important? Photographs or people? The spirit of the wedding day or the look of it? What's the purpose of wedding photographs anyway? To be able to look back and think "What a wonderful day with all the people closest to me" or "Didn't my wedding look fantastic?" I hope to heaven it's the former.

I also don't understand the 'upstaging' argument. If a bride is so insecure that she thinks she can be upstaged on her big day by a *haircut*, when everyone has come to see her wedding, then... wow.

OP, it's your hair. Wear it how you want.

Actually, *MY* argument (and I am the one who has been most vocal about the pictures) is that the pictures WILL be about the people and the emotions, and NOT the visuals.

And that what will be captured, and will remain, and will be brought back EVERY time those pictures are looked at (by the bride, not by the bridesmaid--honestly, how many bridesmaids show the pics to their children and grandchildren? BRIDES do that.), is the NEGATIVE EMOTIONS that surround this issue.

That's what has happened to me w/ my marriage license. I found it in the "important documents" folder recently, and was irritated all over again, that my immature BIL treated the *solemnizing* of MY MARRIAGE and the witnessing of *MY* legal document like an opportunity to show off how iconoclastic he was by drawing cartoons around his signature.

Every time the OP's sister looks at her wedding pictures and sees her sister with purple hair, she is going to be annoyed and irritated. She is going to remember that her sister ASKED HER about her hair and then IGNORED HER request. Every time.

And you know what--why did the OP even talk to her sister about this, if she wasn't going to actually follow the request her sister made? Why bring it up, if she's just going to decide she doesn't give a flying leap about her sister's preference?

She *KNEW* it might be a problem, and if she didn't want to take her sister's preferences or her sister's wedding into consideration, she should just have kept her mouth shut and gone and gotten her hair cut and dyed.

I'm not sure why you're shouting at me, TootsNYC. Perhaps if you could phrase your response without all the caps, we could have a discussion about your point?

I think you might be confusing shouting with using capital letters for emphasis.

Accepted netiquette has unnecessary caps equal to shouting, at least in my part of the world.

Oh, I think you're confused. An entire post, or entire sentence, would be shouting. If it's just specific words, then that's generally more for emphasis. At least that's been my experience in the 20+ years I've been using the Internet. :)

AnnaJ

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #151 on: June 15, 2013, 03:16:48 PM »
I'm really struggling to understand the opinions here.

If what the bride wants is a perfect-looking day with matching people and perfect photographs then perhaps she should hire models or cardboard cut out stand ins.

If on the other hand what she wants is for the most special people in her life to stand up and celebrate the marriage with her, then what difference does it make what colour their hair is?

What's more important? Photographs or people? The spirit of the wedding day or the look of it? What's the purpose of wedding photographs anyway? To be able to look back and think "What a wonderful day with all the people closest to me" or "Didn't my wedding look fantastic?" I hope to heaven it's the former.

I also don't understand the 'upstaging' argument. If a bride is so insecure that she thinks she can be upstaged on her big day by a *haircut*, when everyone has come to see her wedding, then... wow.

OP, it's your hair. Wear it how you want.

Actually, *MY* argument (and I am the one who has been most vocal about the pictures) is that the pictures WILL be about the people and the emotions, and NOT the visuals.

And that what will be captured, and will remain, and will be brought back EVERY time those pictures are looked at (by the bride, not by the bridesmaid--honestly, how many bridesmaids show the pics to their children and grandchildren? BRIDES do that.), is the NEGATIVE EMOTIONS that surround this issue.

That's what has happened to me w/ my marriage license. I found it in the "important documents" folder recently, and was irritated all over again, that my immature BIL treated the *solemnizing* of MY MARRIAGE and the witnessing of *MY* legal document like an opportunity to show off how iconoclastic he was by drawing cartoons around his signature.

Every time the OP's sister looks at her wedding pictures and sees her sister with purple hair, she is going to be annoyed and irritated. She is going to remember that her sister ASKED HER about her hair and then IGNORED HER request. Every time.

And you know what--why did the OP even talk to her sister about this, if she wasn't going to actually follow the request her sister made? Why bring it up, if she's just going to decide she doesn't give a flying leap about her sister's preference?

She *KNEW* it might be a problem, and if she didn't want to take her sister's preferences or her sister's wedding into consideration, she should just have kept her mouth shut and gone and gotten her hair cut and dyed.

I'm not sure why you're shouting at me, TootsNYC. Perhaps if you could phrase your response without all the caps, we could have a discussion about your point?

I think you might be confusing shouting with using capital letters for emphasis.

Accepted netiquette has unnecessary caps equal to shouting, at least in my part of the world.

Oh, I think you're confused. An entire post, or entire sentence, would be shouting. If it's just specific words, then that's generally more for emphasis. At least that's been my experience in the 20+ years I've been using the Internet. :)

OK, I'm confused - I'm seeing bolded words, not capital letters, which I thought was the accepted way to show emphasis (I agree all caps is yelling).

Sophia

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #152 on: June 15, 2013, 03:31:01 PM »
If you haven't gotten a haircut in a while because it was out of the budget, then you can't afford the $150 (going by memory) for a hair style and makeup that will be gone the next day.  It is reasonable for your sister to ask that your hair be as attractive as you can make it.  It isn't reasonable for her to ask to completely control your appearance. 

This is what I would do, tell your sister you won't be using the services of the hair stylist and makeup artist she hired.  Make an appointment to have your hair cut and styled the day of the wedding.  A haircut usually includes a style.  Your hair will look very cute and you won't look like a stepford wife. Then some time after the wedding get the purple dye done.   



whatsanenigma

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #153 on: June 15, 2013, 03:42:16 PM »
If you haven't gotten a haircut in a while because it was out of the budget, then you can't afford the $150 (going by memory) for a hair style and makeup that will be gone the next day.  It is reasonable for your sister to ask that your hair be as attractive as you can make it.  It isn't reasonable for her to ask to completely control your appearance. 

This is what I would do, tell your sister you won't be using the services of the hair stylist and makeup artist she hired.  Make an appointment to have your hair cut and styled the day of the wedding.  A haircut usually includes a style.  Your hair will look very cute and you won't look like a stepford wife. Then some time after the wedding get the purple dye done.

That might work, but only if the OP knows for sure that she's going to like this new haircut.  If she ends up hating it (hopefully not) then regardless of how anyone else at the wedding feels, OP herself will feel awkward and self conscious and will hate the pictures.

Hmmmmm

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #154 on: June 15, 2013, 04:15:14 PM »
I wouldn't do a drastic change to my hair right before a family wedding. A couple if decades ago, I was to be a MoH. Bride didnt care how I styled my hair. My hairstylist talked me into a shorter cut about 3 weeks before the wedding. I ended up hating it. Every time I see those wedding pictures at my friends home or the ones she gave me, I cringe. I was just glad it was grown out a year later when I was the MoH at my sister's wedding. I really would have hated to have that style in her wedding photos.


thedudeabides

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #155 on: June 15, 2013, 04:35:27 PM »
Why are you planning on being in this wedding when it seems like you have absolutely no desire to do so?

PeterM

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #156 on: June 15, 2013, 04:41:14 PM »
ITA - There are unkind motivations from the OP.

This is one of the bigger mileage varies situations I've seen on Etiquette Hell, because the only unkind assumptions and motivations I myself am seeing come from the people piling onto the OP. There are enough people on both sides of this argument to make me think the truth may be somewhere in the middle.

MrTango

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #157 on: June 15, 2013, 04:55:03 PM »
ITA - There are unkind motivations from the OP.

This is one of the bigger mileage varies situations I've seen on Etiquette Hell, because the only unkind assumptions and motivations I myself am seeing come from the people piling onto the OP. There are enough people on both sides of this argument to make me think the truth may be somewhere in the middle.

That is a possibility, however I tend to think that the more important factor in the OP's situation is not her intent, but what others will perceive her intent to be.  Many people here who aren't personally involved in the situation are piling on the OP based on their perceptions of the OP's intent (correct or not).

The OP's sister and family will be just as likely to perceive her intentions as to want to "ruin" her sister's wedding, or to show defiance toward her sister, and those perceptions will determine how they treat the OP going forward, regardless of the OP's actual intentions.

TootsNYC

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #158 on: June 15, 2013, 05:44:39 PM »
I agree with PeterM, that there are a lot of assumpions about motivation on the part of the OP that are really probably over the top.

But I agree w/ MrTango that the *perception* that forms in the minds of the OP's family is the thing that's going to cause her difficulties.

Iris

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #159 on: June 15, 2013, 06:03:34 PM »
ITA - There are unkind motivations from the OP.

This is one of the bigger mileage varies situations I've seen on Etiquette Hell, because the only unkind assumptions and motivations I myself am seeing come from the people piling onto the OP. There are enough people on both sides of this argument to make me think the truth may be somewhere in the middle.

That is a possibility, however I tend to think that the more important factor in the OP's situation is not her intent, but what others will perceive her intent to be.  Many people here who aren't personally involved in the situation are piling on the OP based on their perceptions of the OP's intent (correct or not).

The OP's sister and family will be just as likely to perceive her intentions as to want to "ruin" her sister's wedding, or to show defiance toward her sister, and those perceptions will determine how they treat the OP going forward, regardless of the OP's actual intentions.

I don't think that we have any need to ascribe unkind motivations to the OP though. I can easily put myself in her shoes. I think that a tupperware shower is horribly tacky and would be embarrassed to be associated with it, but the OP went along with that (with just a little grumbling to us) for the sake of family peace. Ditto for the extraordinarily badly written poem begging for money on the invite. Expecting someone to arrive two and a half hours before said tupperware party to 'set up' is OTT as well, but again, well, you're a bridesmaid, suck it up. Organising a hen's night with activities that your sisters (and bridesmaids) won't feel comfortable doing is a small slap in the face, but it's just a small one, so let it slide. Your sister wants you to come out of your way to get your hair done, but it's nothing to do with wanting to be with you, it's just so she can check that you've done it 'right'. That's slightly hurtful and inconvenient, but okay, the request isn't that unreasonable and MIL can help DH with the kids. Oh, but now DH has to video the wedding so the entire burden of childcare is on MIL, which you maybe aren't comfortable with, but okay... and so on.

There are a *lot* of straws here. And that's assuming that they're the bestest buddies in the first place which many sisters aren't. It's not unreasonable and certainly not unkind for the OP to want to do one thing, just for her, without "But think of the weeeedddddiiiiing." I'm assuming that dropping out of the wedding would cause an entirely separate WBT and isn't worth it.

Doesn't change my advice though, I'd buy/make a big calendar, mark "Survived The Wedding Treat Day" on it, and cross off the days. If the only way the expense of a haircut/colour can be justified is as a birthday present, I'd put the money in an envelope on my birthday and put it in a safe place. Again, though, that comes from my personal hatred of drama in all its forms, rather than a rock solid etiquette platform.
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NyaChan

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #160 on: June 15, 2013, 06:21:25 PM »
I don't really think the OP's motivation is an issue for me.  When I strip the problem down to its bones, I basically see that

1) The OP has a right to do whatever she wants to her hair, whenever she wants to do it.
2) Having this right will not free her from the consequences of exercising it.

Whether the bride is being unreasonable or not, and it seems there are mixed opinions on that, it can only make OP look good to let this hair issue slide for a month or two.  In other words, if you are determined to cut and color your hair now, go ahead, it is absolutely up to you.  However, I think it would be very gracious and sisterly of you to delay it.

MummyPumpkin83

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #161 on: June 15, 2013, 06:26:00 PM »
Iris seems to have hit the nail on the head.
I haven't said a word to my sister about any of the complaints I have voiced here or to my husband.

I volunteered to run games at the kitchen tea, including purchasing prizes. I got there about an hour early, and took the 20 month old so he could meet some of our relatives who had only seen him in photos.

The travel to my parents house to get ready was presented to me as a done deal. And we were told what the cost if our hair would be, not asked if we were able to afford it.

I've said I haven't had a good hair cut for 5 years. I have had trims. It's about that time in my usual cycle of hair cuts for another short one. A good hair cut and style is more expensive than a trim, and thus justified as a birthday treat.

I did not contact my sister to ask her about the hair. I posted to face book that I was thinking of celebrating my birthday with a new haircut or tattoo. Friends posted ideas, I posted the pic I linked to here. My sister replied that I was having my hair up for the wedding and purple didn't really match the wedding colours, then she called me while I was busy at work to again state that it didn't really go with her "vision" but if I couldn't wait I could do it.

I would probably have gotten the cut without the colour without even thinking about the wedding. Now there is part of me that wants to do all of it just because I'm the big sister and who is she to boss me around?  ;)
However given my previous experience with colouring my hair, I am not willing to risk being covered in hives for her wedding so will wait to colour my hair until afterwards.
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MariaE

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #162 on: June 15, 2013, 06:29:11 PM »
I don't really think the OP's motivation is an issue for me.  When I strip the problem down to its bones, I basically see that

1) The OP has a right to do whatever she wants to her hair, whenever she wants to do it.
2) Having this right will not free her from the consequences of exercising it.

Whether the bride is being unreasonable or not, and it seems there are mixed opinions on that, it can only make OP look good to let this hair issue slide for a month or two.  In other words, if you are determined to cut and color your hair now, go ahead, it is absolutely up to you.  However, I think it would be very gracious and sisterly of you to delay it.

This is where I stand on the issue as well. Is this really a hill to die on? If no, then great, wait until after the wedding. If yes, then that speaks volumes about your relationship with your sister, and I think it would be appropriate to bow out of the wedding party.

Just because you (general) have a right to do something doesn't mean that it is the right thing to do.

The OP posted while I was typing. So glad to hear you're postponing the colouring until after the wedding!
 
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delabela

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105, #161
« Reply #163 on: June 15, 2013, 06:40:57 PM »
Well, good for you, OP, for being willing to compromise - I'd be willing to be you will be glad you did in the future.  I hope the wedding goes well for all of you.

Snooks

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Re: But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105
« Reply #164 on: June 15, 2013, 06:42:00 PM »
Iris seems to have hit the nail on the head.
I haven't said a word to my sister about any of the complaints I have voiced here or to my husband.

I volunteered to run games at the kitchen tea, including purchasing prizes. I got there about an hour early, and took the 20 month old so he could meet some of our relatives who had only seen him in photos.
<snip>
I would probably have gotten the cut without the colour without even thinking about the wedding. Now there is part of me that wants to do all of it just because I'm the big sister and who is she to boss me around?  ;)
However given my previous experience with colouring my hair, I am not willing to risk being covered in hives for her wedding so will wait to colour my hair until afterwards.

As others have said you may not have voiced them but there's a strong chance your sister knows about them.  Also, taking your 20 month to an event for your sister so other members of the family could meet him seems to pull from the focus of the event to me.

I'm sure that winking face is to show you're joking but I don't actually think you are.  It speaks volumes of your attitude to your little sister.