But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105, #161

[mich3554]

Here is my take on things.....

On your other thread, you posted this statement:

Definitely seems to be about all having the same hair/makeup colours rather than necessarily being together getting ready.

What it looks like on the outside is a rather passive aggressive response to the fact that your sister wants all her bridesmaids to look similarly and you know this and you are rationalizing an extreme change of hair in response to this fact as a birthday gift to yourself.

It may or may not be, but to me it does come across as a petty.

JMHO

[whatsanenigma]

Here is my take on things.....

On your other thread, you posted this statement:

Definitely seems to be about all having the same hair/makeup colours rather than necessarily being together getting ready.

What it looks like on the outside is a rather passive aggressive response to the fact that your sister wants all her bridesmaids to look similarly and you know this and you are rationalizing an extreme change of hair in response to this fact as a birthday gift to yourself.

It may or may not be, but to me it does come across as a petty.

JMHO

To me personally it does not come off as petty, but  no matter how innocent your intentions, if your sister gets the idea somehow that you're deliberately being passive aggressive, it will probably be impossible to convince her otherwise and she might hold that grudge a long time-deserved or not.

Whether or not this potential fallout is worth it is up to you.

[TootsNYC]

To me, it's less about the impact on that day and more about the pictures, which are forever. And which matter far more to the bride than to the bridesmaids.

Also, if you think you're going to tick her off, then that "ticked off" feeling will last as long as the pictures.

i know whereof I speak--my immature-for-his-college-age BIL started drawing funny cartoon pictures on my *marriage license* when he signed as a witness.

And now, forever and ever, I have proof of his immaturity and lack of solemnity *on my marriage license.*

I'm normally moderately fun-loving and stuff, but this was my official marriage license, and I was not amused. And while I keep trying to not still be annoyed at it (a couple of decades later), I am.

To the bride and groom, a wedding is not JUST "their special day"--it's a single day that creates a lifetime of memories.

Don't be part of a bad one. Especially not a bad one that she'll be reminded of every time she looks at her wedding pictures.

[TurtleDove]

OP, based on the totality of what we know about your relationship with your sister, you know that changing your hair in connection with her wedding will upset your sister.  Of course you are perfectly "entitled" to do with your hair as you please, but to me making such a drastic change close to your sister's wedding, especially when your general lack of enthusiasm about your sister's wedding is so obvious, comes across as more about a desire to send a message to your sister than it does as a legitimate desire to change your hairstyle.  I bet you are imagining that it would feel really good to get everyone all affluffle about how self centered your sister is in connection with her wedding and in general - I mean, she even got upset that you changed your hairstyle!  How utterly selfcentered of her!   I don't think this is what would actually happen.  I can almost assure that the reality would not taste nearly as sweet, and would lesson the opinion your family and friends have of you.

In short, go ahead and change your hair if you want to, but be prepared to have people think differently of you forever (and not different good).

[Surianne]

I see this as very different than drawing pictures on a marriage license.  The OP's hairs is hers to cut or dye as she sees fit.  She's not "ruining" photos by vandalizing them, she's just going to look like the person she wants to be.   There's nothing petty, immature, or passive aggressive (terms used by a variety of posters) about that. 

Her life doesn't halt just because her sister is getting married.  If she wants to change her hair, get a tattoo, gain/lose weight, or get pregnant -- all things that come up in life and change someone's appearance -- she should do that when she wants to, not when her sister dictates it's okay.  The amount of control brides seem to expect these days from guests/participants at their wedding is getting really out of line.

The idea that your friends and family will think less of you for changing your hair is really assuming the worst of people, I think. 

[citadelle]

I see this as very different than drawing pictures on a marriage license.  The OP's hairs is hers to cut or dye as she sees fit.  She's not "ruining" photos by vandalizing them, she's just going to look like the person she wants to be.   There's nothing petty, immature, or passive aggressive (terms used by a variety of posters) about that. 

Her life doesn't halt just because her sister is getting married.  If she wants to change her hair, get a tattoo, gain/lose weight, or get pregnant -- all things that come up in life and change someone's appearance -- she should do that when she wants to, not when her sister dictates it's okay.  The amount of control brides seem to expect these days from guests/participants at their wedding is getting really out of line.

The idea that your friends and family will think less of you for changing your hair is really assuming the worst of people, I think.

I think the concept is not that family would think less for changing hair, but for a perception, valid or not, that the change in hair is an insult to the sister.

_{fixed quote}

[TootsNYC]

I see this as very different than drawing pictures on a marriage license. The OP's hairs is hers to cut or dye as she sees fit.  She's not "ruining" photos by vandalizing them, she's just going to look like the person she wants to be.   There's nothing petty, immature, or passive aggressive (terms used by a variety of posters) about that. 

Her life doesn't halt just because her sister is getting married.  If she wants to change her hair, get a tattoo, gain/lose weight, or get pregnant -- all things that come up in life and change someone's appearance -- she should do that when she wants to, not when her sister dictates it's okay.  The amount of control brides seem to expect these days from guests/participants at their wedding is getting really out of line.

The idea that your friends and family will think less of you for changing your hair is really assuming the worst of people, I think.

RE the bolded: I think the impact is bigger, actually. I don't usually look at my marriage license. But people frame their wedding pictures and put them up in their homes.

If the OP's appearance is linked to a negative feeling, then it's never going to go away.

And yeah, she could gain weight or get pregnant, but those are generally not quite so *discretionary*, and they not often linked with a negative opinion.

Dying your hair an unusual color is a definite "in your face" sort of gesture--It's attention getting by its very nature.

I'm less concerned about the opinions of everybody else and MORE concerned about the opinion of the bride.

If the delay isn't long, then I would say, "delay." Why have this negative exchange be memorialized in the memorialized as well as the photographs?

[TurtleDove]

The idea that your friends and family will think less of you for changing your hair is really assuming the worst of people, I think.

For me, based on everything I have read about the OP and her sister, this is not about the hairstyle.  I am guessing that will come across to friends and family in real life.  I would not care at all if the OP changed her hairstyle, except I "know" she did it in part to upset her sister.  I am not saying I can read the OP's mind, I am saying that is how it comes across to me, and I don't think my take on this is unique.  The OP can think I am wrong for seeing it that way, and can think her friends and family are wrong for seeing it that way, but that won't change what they think.  If the OP cares what her friends and family thinks, I think it makes sense to wait to change her hair so drastically until after the wedding, when there is no chance it would reflect poorly on her.

By the way, I could never pull off that hairstyle but it is really cool!

[WillyNilly]

The idea that your friends and family will think less of you for changing your hair is really assuming the worst of people, I think.

For me, based on everything I have read about the OP and her sister, this is not about the hairstyle.  I am guessing that will come across to friends and family in real life.  I would not care at all if the OP changed her hairstyle, except I "know" she did it in part to upset her sister.  I am not saying I can read the OP's mind, I am saying that is how it comes across to me, and I don't think my take on this is unique.  The OP can think I am wrong for seeing it that way, and can think her friends and family are wrong for seeing it that way, but that won't change what they think.  If the OP cares what her friends and family thinks, I think it makes sense to wait to change her hair so drastically until after the wedding, when there is no chance it would reflect poorly on her.

By the way, I could never pull off that hairstyle but it is really cool!

Exactly. I think this is one of those "when is a hairstyle more then just a hairstyle" moments. If this new hairstyle is radically different then anything the OP has ever done before and its done right before the sisters wedding, its going to be seen as a purposeful act of rebellion and not simply a new hairstyle.

Which is why I think many people are saying go ahead and cut it, but don't dye it right away. Because surely the OP has cut her hair plenty of times previously, so doing so wont be a huge departure from normal.

[TootsNYC]

And, of course the OP wants to have this new style. So I think we're hoping that cutting her hair will feel less like she's giving everything up for her sister and more like a compromise.

[whatsanenigma]

And, of course the OP wants to have this new style. So I think we're hoping that cutting her hair will feel less like she's giving everything up for her sister and more like a compromise.

I agree with this.

[camlan]

It's usually possible to style short hair so that, from the front at least, it has the look of an updo. Unless the sister really wants long tendrils on her bridesmaids, it should be possible to mimic the overall look and feel of the hair style the sister really wants.

So that's a compromise the OP can offer her sister. Get the haircut, wait on the highlights, and agree to style her hair to look as much like the other BMs as possible.

In general, I come down firmly in the camp of bridesmaids don't have to have the same hairstyle. But in this case, there's a delicate balance between what the two sisters each want, and overall family harmony. While I don't think the OP needs to give in to every last demand made by her sister, yielding a few points here and there where she can may go a long way to keeping the peace.

And I think Toots made a very good point. If the sister really doesn't want purple hair in her wedding party, having pictures with that purple hair in her wedding album may only serve to remind her, over and over, of what the sister might see as a deliberate slight.

[CakeEater]

Definitely wait. I agree with everything TootsNYC, WillyNilly and TurtleDove have said.

On the matching bridesmaids thing - it's very traditional here for biridesmaids to have matching hair, dresses and makeup. Of all the weddings I've been to in the last 10 years, which is lots, only one has had a choose your own dress and hairstyle bridal party. Every other has had matching. It's not about being props - it's just a tradition, and what's expected. You agree to be a bridesmaid, you accept that you'll be matching all the others in most circumstances.

[MummyPumpkin83]

Thanks for all your advise...

Some answers
For my wedding the 2 bridesmaids, my sisters (middle sis was 20 and younger sis was 15 ) did not like the dress my husband and I had picked, so we compromised and they got a dress that they liked, and I agreed to. My mum paid. All 3 of us picked the shoes. Again I think mum paid. They went through magazines together and picked a hairstyle together, that happened to match. Again mum paid for the hair and makeup.

For my middle sis wedding we all wore the same skirt and top outfit, same shoes as picked by the bride, but all had our own preferred hairstyle and makeup. 5 bridesmaids here. Outfits paid for by bride and my mum (she had a friend of mum mum make the skirt). We paid for our hair and used our own makeup.

Younger sis has chosen same colour and length dress but different neck lines for each of her 5 bridesmaids. She picked which neckline (over the protestations of middle sis who doesn't particularly like her dress but will wear it). She picked the dresses from an overseas website so we paid for our dress and some of us will need to pay for alterations. She chose our shoes, bride and bridesmaids all wearing the same. Bride paid for shoes. And wants us all to have the same hair and makeup, which we have to pay for as well.

It's not so much that its my milestone birthday, but that I haven't had a good haircut in about 5 years and am dying for a change. The birthday is a good excuse. I have previously been very short, last time was about 5 years ago which I have let grow to my current length.

Wedding is about 6 weeks after my birthday.

I have spoken to my sis and she has said the same as many of you, if you really can't wait six week I guess you can have the cut but wait for the colour, and if you really can't wait for the colour have that too. Image a guilt trip inducing tone.

[delabela]

I think your sister shows a great ability to understand your position and it's good that you appear to have come to a compromise.

Do you actually want to be in the wedding?  In my read of your posts, you come off a bit judgmental and dismissive of your sister.  Now, I don't know if my reading is wrong, or if maybe something is lost in the translation to writing, but you seem to resent what a lot of people would consider reasonable requests (not everyone, but a fair number of people).