But it's my hair!... More info #58, #63, #74, #84, #86, #105, #161

[TootsNYC]

I agree w/ delabela--it seems as though you and your sister have a pretty unpleasant dynamic going on.


I think bridesmaid dresses are not the same as *purple* hair.

I'm not a fan of brides dictating the same exact hairstyle (same level of formality, yes). So a haircut, yes, even a particularly striking one, I don't think a bride should be upset about.

But I can see someone being a bit bummed w/ purple hair at a more formal wedding.

[WillyNilly]

Thanks for all your advise...

Some answers
For my wedding the 2 bridesmaids, my sisters (middle sis was 20 and younger sis was 15 ) did not like the dress my husband and I had picked, so we compromised and they got a dress that they liked, and I agreed to. My mum paid. All 3 of us picked the shoes. Again I think mum paid. They went through magazines together and picked a hairstyle together, that happened to match. Again mum paid for the hair and makeup.

For my middle sis wedding we all wore the same skirt and top outfit, same shoes as picked by the bride, but all had our own preferred hairstyle and makeup. 5 bridesmaids here. Outfits paid for by bride and my mum (she had a friend of mum mum make the skirt). We paid for our hair and used our own makeup.

Younger sis has chosen same colour and length dress but different neck lines for each of her 5 bridesmaids. She picked which neckline (over the protestations of middle sis who doesn't particularly like her dress but will wear it). She picked the dresses from an overseas website so we paid for our dress and some of us will need to pay for alterations. She chose our shoes, bride and bridesmaids all wearing the same. Bride paid for shoes. And wants us all to have the same hair and makeup, which we have to pay for as well.

It's not so much that its my milestone birthday, but that I haven't had a good haircut in about 5 years and am dying for a change. The birthday is a good excuse. I have previously been very short, last time was about 5 years ago which I have let grow to my current length.

Wedding is about 6 weeks after my birthday.

I have spoken to my sis and she has said the same as many of you, if you really can't wait six week I guess you can have the cut but wait for the colour, and if you really can't wait for the colour have that too. Image a guilt trip inducing tone.

Please note the bolded. You sort of come off ticked that you have to pay for the dress and hair. But reread your post - when you got married everything was paid for, for you, by someone else and bridesmaids paid nothing. When middle sister got married, your parents (mom) paid for half the bridesmaids' stuff and the bride the other half. Your youngest sister is getting none of her bridesmaid stuff paid for by your parents.

Now I get it, when you got married your bridesmaids were minors in the care of your parents. But still, please don't get all sorts of bent out shape your sister expects you pay for your dress and hair - its not like you paid for her dress and hair when you got married. When you were a bride you let those costs get pushed off to someone else (your parents), so really its not at all bad for your youngest sister to also push those costs off to someone else either... its just that apparently your parents aren't picking up the tab this time.

[MariaE]

With that kind of time frame definitely wait until after the wedding to colour. Personally I'd wait with the haircut as well, but that's less drastic, so I think you'd be ok to go ahead with that.

But getting the colour done as well when the two events are so close would seem more than a little petty. I actually think it's okay for you sister to give you a mild guilt trip on that one. It is a small thing she's asking of you, whereas it is a big thing to her.

Is it worth upsetting you sister/family over? If so, I'd probably advice you to step out of the wedding party.

[MummyPumpkin83]

Thanks for all your advise...

Some answers
For my wedding the 2 bridesmaids, my sisters (middle sis was 20 and younger sis was 15 ) did not like the dress my husband and I had picked, so we compromised and they got a dress that they liked, and I agreed to. My mum paid. All 3 of us picked the shoes. Again I think mum paid. They went through magazines together and picked a hairstyle together, that happened to match. Again mum paid for the hair and makeup.

For my middle sis wedding we all wore the same skirt and top outfit, same shoes as picked by the bride, but all had our own preferred hairstyle and makeup. 5 bridesmaids here. Outfits paid for by bride and my mum (she had a friend of mum mum make the skirt). We paid for our hair and used our own makeup.

Younger sis has chosen same colour and length dress but different neck lines for each of her 5 bridesmaids. She picked which neckline (over the protestations of middle sis who doesn't particularly like her dress but will wear it). She picked the dresses from an overseas website so we paid for our dress and some of us will need to pay for alterations. She chose our shoes, bride and bridesmaids all wearing the same. Bride paid for shoes. And wants us all to have the same hair and makeup, which we have to pay for as well.

It's not so much that its my milestone birthday, but that I haven't had a good haircut in about 5 years and am dying for a change. The birthday is a good excuse. I have previously been very short, last time was about 5 years ago which I have let grow to my current length.

Wedding is about 6 weeks after my birthday.

I have spoken to my sis and she has said the same as many of you, if you really can't wait six week I guess you can have the cut but wait for the colour, and if you really can't wait for the colour have that too. Image a guilt trip inducing tone.

Please note the bolded. You sort of come off ticked that you have to pay for the dress and hair. But reread your post - when you got married everything was paid for, for you, by someone else and bridesmaids paid nothing. When middle sister got married, your parents (mom) paid for half the bridesmaids' stuff and the bride the other half. Your youngest sister is getting none of her bridesmaid stuff paid for by your parents.

Now I get it, when you got married your bridesmaids were minors in the care of your parents. But still, please don't get all sorts of bent out shape your sister expects you pay for your dress and hair - its not like you paid for her dress and hair when you got married. When you were a bride you let those costs get pushed off to someone else (your parents), so really its not at all bad for your youngest sister to also push those costs off to someone else either... its just that apparently your parents aren't picking up the tab this time.

My mum paid for the girls $30 dresses after they rejected the $80 dresses I had already purchased. My mum saved my "rent and board" from the last few weeks I was living at home to pay for hair and makeup.

I am a bit hung up on the money as we have been asked to purchase our dress mine was $130ish, which was supposed to be made to measure and now needs alterations. Provide items for kitchen tea. $50 for pole dancing, $30 for dinner, $extra for drinks/ dancing, plus extra to cover the bride, $150 for hair and make up I don't get to choose.

Parents are picking up the tab in other areas for this wedding.

[Surianne]

Yeah, it sounds to me like the sister has been very demanding and controlling in a way that the OP and the other sister weren't in the past with their own weddings.  So there's no precedent here.  The hair thing seems like one more way to control the OP.

OP, if I were you there's no way in heck I'd put off my preferred hair style/colour 6 weeks for this.  If the wedding were *next* week, sure, but ask you to postpone your life choices for a month and a half? That's ridiculous. 

[snowdragon]

    Honestly, I think brides dictating hair styles is going too far.  Would the advice be the same if the bride was demanding the OP cut her hair, if she did not want to? 
     I think having to wait six weeks to get my hair the way I wanted it would cause me to resent the bride.  If the OP has to consider the consequences of having her hair the way she wants,,,,then the sister and family need to consider how the OP feels.  How is the OP going feel remembering the wedding ( and possibly seeing the pictures) if what she recalls is " I could not even get a hair cut because of that wedding" ?
   And if I had to pay $150 for a hair do, that I didn't want ( or feel good in ) while being forced to forgo a hair do that I do want for a month and a half , I'd resent it all the more.
   Honestly having reading this thread and the other, I feel sorry for the OP and think that the sister is not going to end her demands until folks start standing up to her.  Even after the wedding

[TootsNYC]

In today's world, $130ish is not an expensive dress. It's not cheap, not by any means, but it's not really "over the top."

I can't remember if it was clear what the time difference is--how many years it's been since a $80 dress was considered reasonable.

And the messages brides get about what is appropriate/expected/etc. has intensified in recent years. Were the other weddings within about 5 years of this one?

I'd think you can absolutely say no to pole dancing.

And Martha Stewart Weddings, among other places, has said that when a bride insists the bridesmaids get their hair and makeup professionally done, she really should foot the bill.
   Most grown women can completely take care of their own hair and makeup (Kate Middleton did her own makeup for her wedding--I would think you could do yours too; she had someone help her w/ her hair, simply because it's easier than doing it yourself).

[TootsNYC]

How is the OP going feel remembering the wedding ( and possibly seeing the pictures) if what she recalls is " I could not even get a hair cut because of that wedding" ?

I'm the one who brought up the pictures.

The bride's pictures of her OWN wedding are WAY more meaningful to her than a bridesmaid's copy of a couple of pictures from someone ELSE's wedding.

The bride is the one who will live with the pictures, and the memory for far longer, because the day is more meaningful to her.

[Surianne]

    Honestly, I think brides dictating hair styles is going too far.  Would the advice be the same if the bride was demanding the OP cut her hair, if she did not want to? 
     I think having to wait six weeks to get my hair the way I wanted it would cause me to resent the bride.  If the OP has to consider the consequences of having her hair the way she wants,,,,then the sister and family need to consider how the OP feels.  How is the OP going feel remembering the wedding ( and possibly seeing the pictures) if what she recalls is " I could not even get a hair cut because of that wedding" ?
   And if I had to pay $150 for a hair do, that I didn't want ( or feel good in ) while being forced to forgo a hair do that I do want for a month and a half , I'd resent it all the more.
   Honestly having reading this thread and the other, I feel sorry for the OP and think that the sister is not going to end her demands until folks start standing up to her.  Even after the wedding

Well put; this is what I was trying to get at, but you said it better.

[snowdragon]

How is the OP going feel remembering the wedding ( and possibly seeing the pictures) if what she recalls is " I could not even get a hair cut because of that wedding" ?

I'm the one who brought up the pictures.

The bride's pictures of her OWN wedding are WAY more meaningful to her than a bridesmaid's copy of a couple of pictures from someone ELSE's wedding.

The bride is the one who will live with the pictures, and the memory for far longer, because the day is more meaningful to her.

The OP's body is way more meaningful to her than someone's pictures if their wedding. The Op will have to live with her body and the memory far longer because  her body is more meaningful to her.
 
  Really there is little that would be more personal than one's body and control over it.  If the bride does not like looking at the OP's hair in her pictures, she can have the OP photoshopped out.  The OP does not have that option for her own body.
 

[TootsNYC]

I guess I don't think of hairstyles as "my body"--a hairstyle is completely impermanent.

And my point is less that the pictures will be "ruined" (bcs they won't) but that the conflict over the hairstyle will always be visible in them.

And any annoyance or resentment will never quite be forgotten. And that the person who will revisit the pictures will be the BRIDE. And that the long-lasting bad feelings are something to keep in mind.

[Two Ravens]

How is the OP going feel remembering the wedding ( and possibly seeing the pictures) if what she recalls is " I could not even get a hair cut because of that wedding" ?

I'm the one who brought up the pictures.

The bride's pictures of her OWN wedding are WAY more meaningful to her than a bridesmaid's copy of a couple of pictures from someone ELSE's wedding.

The bride is the one who will live with the pictures, and the memory for far longer, because the day is more meaningful to her.

The OP's body is way more meaningful to her than someone's pictures if their wedding. The Op will have to live with her body and the memory far longer because  her body is more meaningful to her.

The OP has stated she hasn't had a good haircut in 5 years. If she could wait that long, it does not seem like a huge sacrifice to wait 6 more weeks.

If the hairstyle is so important to her, why not have her hair cut now, rather than waiting till 6 weeks before the wedding?

[delabela]

How is the OP going feel remembering the wedding ( and possibly seeing the pictures) if what she recalls is " I could not even get a hair cut because of that wedding" ?

I'm the one who brought up the pictures.

The bride's pictures of her OWN wedding are WAY more meaningful to her than a bridesmaid's copy of a couple of pictures from someone ELSE's wedding.

The bride is the one who will live with the pictures, and the memory for far longer, because the day is more meaningful to her.

The OP's body is way more meaningful to her than someone's pictures if their wedding. The Op will have to live with her body and the memory far longer because  her body is more meaningful to her.
 
  Really there is little that would be more personal than one's body and control over it.  If the bride does not like looking at the OP's hair in her pictures, she can have the OP photoshopped out.  The OP does not have that option for her own body.

This strikes me as a bit melodramatic - sister isn't asking her to get plastic surgery or lose 50 pounds.  OP can have purple hair and take a thousand pictures of it any other day of her life.  And sister did wear what OP wanted (through compromise) at her wedding.  Sister's willing to compromise on the hair here, as per the OP's report of their conversation.  OP had her day and it would be kind of her to support her sister to have hers. 

I can't think of a wedding I have been to where the hairstyles were not on some level dictated by the bride.  I'm sure that some people do it that way, but that's not my experience.

Honestly, if this wedding is too much money and OP doesn't want to comply with the (again, in my opinion, very reasonable) requests, she should bow out.   

[jmarvellous]

Just wait.
I'm not saying she's "right" or "wrong" but ... just wait. Six weeks. It'll be OK. You'll look fine with your hair, longer or shorter, in an updo or styled, and you won't annoy the heck out of your sister/extended family or draw attention away from the bride.
Your purple hair will be just as big a deal six weeks out from your birthday as on it. If it weren't a big deal, it seems, your sister might not care so much about it.

I just got married, and I had one cousin show up with a new septum piercing, new plugs in her ears, jet-black newly dyed hair, 8+ new visible tattoos (I lost count), bold makeup, a verrry short homemade dress and sky-high heels (she's 19 and got all the mods in the last year). She was "just" being her, but it was the focus of several of the photos she was in because it was SO different from all the other guests (and we had some "weird" guests -- but our friends dressed in a wedding-appropriate manner, at least, and their changes weren't so dramatic), and so different from her "usual" look. She actually did look cute, IMO (aside from her badly applied makeup), but wow!

I'm not saying purple hair is anywhere on her level, but I am saying that as the bride, I will remember seeing her as much as or more than the people whose company I kept for longer or enjoyed more. Just something to think about when making any dramatic changes for an event you're somewhat resentful about attending in the first place.

[MummyPumpkin83]

How is the OP going feel remembering the wedding ( and possibly seeing the pictures) if what she recalls is " I could not even get a hair cut because of that wedding" ?

I'm the one who brought up the pictures.

The bride's pictures of her OWN wedding are WAY more meaningful to her than a bridesmaid's copy of a couple of pictures from someone ELSE's wedding.

The bride is the one who will live with the pictures, and the memory for far longer, because the day is more meaningful to her.

The OP's body is way more meaningful to her than someone's pictures if their wedding. The Op will have to live with her body and the memory far longer because  her body is more meaningful to her.

The OP has stated she hasn't had a good haircut in 5 years. If she could wait that long, it does not seem like a huge sacrifice to wait 6 more weeks.

If the hairstyle is so important to her, why not have her hair cut now, rather than waiting till 6 weeks before the wedding?

Now is my birthday, well only 2 weeks to go. So we are about 8 or so weeks out from the wedding.