Author Topic: How should someone react or respond to this? Update #14 Final #16  (Read 8259 times)

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Free Range Hippy Chick

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Re: How should someone react or respond to this? Update #14
« Reply #15 on: May 31, 2013, 06:28:24 AM »
NyaChan, I'm sorry you're upset, and I understand why you are, but I honestly don't think you need to be. No matter which of you and your sister is in the wrong - and that's assuming that either of you is, and that it's not just one of those family things that blows up because of a difference of opinion - it is not your mother's business. You are not out of order in telling her, politely, to keep out of it, which is what you did. I don't think you were out of order in telling her that you were insulted that she was taking sides without ever hearing your version, and I certainly don't think you did anything wrong in planting the idea that perhaps your sister needs to apologise to you and not you to her.

I second Marbles' suggestion if the matter is raised again: "When she's ready to apologise, I'm sure she'll call."

Important point here: if your mother's feelings are hurt it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Say that out loud, several times. She wasn't part of the original argument, so she doesn't get a vote about it. The only people who do are the 'combatants' - you and your sister - and you get to sort it out whatever way suits you. Your mother is entitled to her opinion, but she's not entitled to have anybody pay any attention to it.

NyaChan

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Re: How should someone react or respond to this? Update #14
« Reply #16 on: June 18, 2013, 03:36:48 PM »
Final Update -  Sorry, I realized I never actually added this on, possibly because I was in a state of shock.

The next night after a very awkward day of us not really talking, I was watching TV when my parents went up to bed.  Then my mom came back down all shifty and half frowning.

In a kind of odd voice, she said:  "I was thinking about what happened and I realized that I never did ask you what your side was.  I know it's too late now, but I'm sorry and I'll try to be more careful. That's all, good night."  And she left.

I half expected the world to come to an end, because I could not recall any instance of getting an unequivocal apology from my parents before, no hedging, no blaming me, nothing.  She hasn't brought up the matter since then and has only asked if I've talked to my sister a couple of times in the context of "did she tell you about this funny thing?"   :)

TootsNYC

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Re: How should someone react or respond to this? Update #14 Final #16
« Reply #17 on: June 18, 2013, 04:01:15 PM »
If you ever want to, you might make this point to your mom:

"Sometimes a person is just venting. They assume that they're safe venting to their mom. And they don't actually intend to ever pursue their gripe with whoever it is they're venting out. Sometimes they absolutely intend to completely let it die. But they want to vent because it helps them mentally put the matter to rest. And they think they're safe venting to their mom.
  "But when you then pursue the issue, you take something that *would* have completely died away without ANY bad feelings, and you turn it into some big whole thing. And you end up with BOTH sides being upset over something that would have just faded away into background noise.
   "You need to leave the relationship between me and Sis alone. Don't interfere. Otherwise you make it hard for either of us to back down, or hard for either of us to forgive and forget.
   "So no, I don't want to tell you my side of it. I don't want you to talk about it with either of us ever again. We aren't enemies--we've been in quite cordial contact over other things, just as we always are.
   "Let us manage it. That way it won't get messed up."

BeagleMommy

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Re: How should someone react or respond to this? Update #14 Final #16
« Reply #18 on: June 18, 2013, 04:24:16 PM »
NyaChan, let's hope this becomes a precedent with your mom.  It's a start.

Congrats on your graduation!